Bringing You the Future Before It’s Too Late, Part III

Predictions, Prophecies, Prognostications, Projections and Piffle

Still trying to bag the elusive Monarch Butterbrain

I Can See Next Year From Here

December 31, 2022

Well, here it is. The final installment of what to expect in 2023. Well, according to some 60 percent of Americans we still have a 46^th president, despite repeated, albeit buffoonish and patently illegal attempts to pretend the 45^th presidency, a presidency which will live in infamy, never ended. Unfortunately, in democracies the pathetic loser, even one who was impeached twice – once for colluding with Russia yet still losing the popular vote, and once for accusing his opponent of doing what he actually did, stealing the next election and then planning and inciting a coup – is not simply rounded up along with his criminal cronies and thrown in jail. Pardon us while we indulge in a little dream candy…

Some very fine people on both sides…of the bars?
(The Best People, L-R: Manafort – convicted felon, Stone – convicted felon,
Flynn – convicted felon, Meadows – probably nearing indictment,
Giuliani – about to be disbarred/indicted, Pence – hanging still pending,
Don, Jr. – cokehead/heir to daddy’s throne/debts,
Bannon – convicted felon, King Pin – up to eyeballs in shit)

Donald Trump – the long COVID of presidents – still has us gnashing our teeth, fighting to keep food down, losing sleep and praying that the Constitution will ultimately prevail despite the unrelenting and seditious efforts of its arch enemies – Donald Turmp, the Ratpublican Party and the Supreme Court. Hopefully, Trump’s legacy will attain a fate similar to so many of Turmp’s other fraudulent, and ultimately failed ventures.

Ed Venture
Unmanageable Editor

August 16, 2023

Dim Bulbs vs. Bright Shiny Object

Ratpublicans in the House suddenly lose interest in Hunter Biden’s laptop after only 14 separate hearings, including several hundred hours of testimony – mostly from the My Pillow Guy – revealed even less than the dozen or so Benghazi hearings Ratpublicans held last time they were in the majority. According to reports someone entered the Capitol during one of these senseless, revenge-porn-esque hearings and began shining a laser pointer around the room. This so distracted McCarthy’s mental munchkins that they ended up following the red dot out of the building, past the Hang Mike Pence Memorial Gallows, and straight into the Potomac. No one noticed they were missing for several months, during which much of the people’s work got done.

September 24, 2023

And The Winner Is...

The January 6^th Committee Hearing miniseries racked up 12 Emmys in unprecedented fashion. Never before has any show crossed over categories so comprehensively. The Committee won Emmys for Best Documentary, Best Reality Show, Best Drama and Best Miniseries. Chairman Bennie Thompson won for Leading Actor, Liz Cheney for Best Supporting Actress and Jamie Raskin and Adam Schiff shared Best Producer honors. 

I thought the committee did a great job, but I must admit I was expecting the Spanish Inquisition. Or at the very least, a comfy chair or some soft cushions.

Chairman Bennie Thompson, overcome with joy after accepting his Emmy

Donald Trump won a newly created category, slated to become a one-time-only award (kind of like the 2000 Bush v. Gore Supreme Court decision that appointed a president, but was asterisked as not useable as precedent in the future) for Biggest Asshole/Defendant In A Very Public Investigation. Trump was not given an actual Emmy for his efforts, but was told to spend some quality time with his No Balls, Putz Prize, and was given a number of excellent suggestions for off-label usage.

November 8, 2023

He Cannot Not Tell A Lie

Under oath Trump, sweating more than a badly beaten football team in a cramped post-game sauna, swears up, down and sideways, “Melanie made me do it. She is a very foreign and possibly very dangerous person. She’s the brains in the outfit and she might be part of the fake Russia hoax. I only do what she tells me. I obviously don’t understand how anything works. It was all Melanie and Ivanka. I think Ivanka was out to get me from the beginning because I refused to date her. This is the God’s truth. I forgot to bring my Bible, but Two Corinthians – am I right? Cross my heart and hope you die.”

She’s the one – that foreign-sounding loser over there. I never met her before.

November 30, 2023

Donald J. Trump, STFU In Peace

On his long-overdue deathbed, Donald Trump finally concedes the 2020 election. Just kidding, his final words were, “Biggest crowds ever…stolen election...11,780 votes…covfefe.”

December 31, 2023

This Will Have Been The Year That Will Have Been

We are predicting that the year 2023 will come to an end, at midnight or there abouts. We are simply not stupid enough to even consider predicting how. There is a non-zero percent chance that we will once again be relieved to wring out 2023.

Do I smell smoke?

Out With (ano)The(r) Bad Year, In With The Good

So, that’s it for Paying Attention in 2022 and now we all know what to expect in 2023 – or at least some of it. There is no way to predict all the idiocy that the new wafer-thin Ratpublican majority has in store. Election deniers will make up more than one-third of the 118^th House of Representatives. For now, just enjoy New Year’s Eve, think responsibly, and for now, forget the future ever happened.

Feel free to ignore all predictions except this one from the world’s foremost authority: “If we don't change direction soon, we'll end up where we're going.”

From Ed Venture, I. Mangrey, T. Doff and Shay King, and our research and legal teamS:

Hello 2023, come right in, we’ve been expecting you.

Don’t let the sun, the moon or any other

proximate Celestial body catch you crying

Bringing You the Future Before It’s Too Late, Part II

Predictions, Prophecies, Prognostications, Projections and Piffle

The End (of The Year) is Near

December 29, 2022

Where We Will Have Gone From Here

It is time to pick up where we laughed off. Hopefully, you are sufficiently soused, fittingly fried, tenuously toasted, or otherwise appropriately altered as 2022 melts away like the Arctic and America’s democracy. If you had already started your Rent-A-Coma experience and are not seeing this in a timely manner, welcome back – I hope you are feeling refreshed, or at least blissfully unaware of any of the disastrous depredations that occurred while you were “out.” In any event, welcome to Part II of our annual three-part series on the way it will be in 2023. But buckle up, there’s still a very good chance of turbulence, and definitely some Turmpulence and his verbal flatulence ahead. Though with this malignant martinet, it is difficult and dangerous to get one’s hopes up, there is a new special federal prosecutor in town, a laundry list of pending charges and more than a few active investigations poised to puncture this hot-air buffoon.  

“It makes me mildly nauseous to think we
might have had some impact on the election.”
James Comey May 3, 2017

“What do you mean we, white man?”
Ed Venture December 28, 2021

February 25, 2023

Phantom Of The Capitol

Trump is finally tracked down and remanded to Capitol Police. Not having enough time or physical strength to dig himself a Saddam Hussein-type spider hole to hide in, Trump was found waist-deep in countless buckets of KFC and classified documents in the once-padlocked room where most of Trump’s stolen classified documents had been discovered almost a year ago. According to reports, a desperate Trump was dragged, kicking and screaming and foaming at the mouth, and ultimately just babbling, “I won! I won! You can’t treat the president of America this way. Did you see the size of my crowd?” and still clutching a stack of stolen documents.

He is locked in the jail below the Capitol awaiting trial. Or possibly forgotten and left to rot.

The Phantom of The Capitol – still clinging to his precious documents
(somehow, more than he came in with; where do you suppose he was hiding them?)

May 1, 2023

What's That Smell? Is That Musk?

Elon Musk shows up for his latest Twitter press conference presumably in a towel – one hopes. Apparently having not slept for several days (weeks? months?) Musk addressed his latest mass suspension of anyone who did not vote for Donald Trump twice. He repeatedly referred to his latest plaything as “Twister” and rarely opened his eyes throughout the event, ultimately having to be helped off the podium and laid in the back seat of what appeared to be a blood-stained Tesla Model X, having been almost knocked over by the vertically-opening door as he belligerently attempted to shoo away his support team. Obviously in no condition to drive, the Tesla CEO presumably engaged self-driving mode and rammed in short order into a hedge before one of Musk’s entourage replaced him behind the wheel, disabled autopilot (and Musk) and silently sped off before wreaking any further havoc.

The following day, Musk unwittingly suspended himself from Twitter. He reportedly took a vow of silence that lasted about an hour. He has incessantly been heard from since.

July 21, 2023

That's Not A Compliment

Trump wins No Balls Putz Prize for cowardly behavior in the face of his own massive stupidity, for acting below and beyond comprehension. For inciting insurrection, stealing classified documents, spending an entire year whining about his big election lie, and generally being a fascist fuckwit.

Nap Time

Go and have a nap or a concussion, maybe some Prozac or a quick round of Rent-A-Coma. There is a good chance Part III is coming soon. Get ready for the end of 2020 Part II, aka 2021. We’ve got the Magic 8 Ball in overdrive – we asked again later, survived countless hazy replies, and celebrated a surprising number of “Signs point to yes”. These are not fake predictions.  

Making predictions takes intense preparation and concentration

Ed Venture, I. Mangrey, T. Doff and Shay King continue bringing you the future before it gets away.

Bringing You the Future Before It’s Too Late, Part I

Predictions, Prophecies, Prognostications, Projections and Piffle

The End (of The Year) is Near

December 26, 2022

Where Will We Have Gone From Here

Well, here we are once again. One year dies out, another takes its place. 2022 was filled festooned with the hit miniseries January 6^th Committee v. Trump and The Stupid. So it goes. We survived the campaigns of Herschel “Abortion King” Walker, Doug “Election Decider” Mastriano, Mehmet “I Always Get My Crudités At Wegners” Oz and Kari “On, Like Trump In A Skirt” Lake. Though, Lake is still carrying on, and carrying on Trump Ratpublicans’ new normal by refusing to accept the results of any election they lose.

The COVID pandemic Trump tried to turn into a random genocide mutated its way into our hearts for another year, as Trump mutated into an even more pathetic, more dangerous and more indictable version of himself. Vladimir Putin invaded Ukraine in an attempt to remove it from the map so he can start World War III and become the next Russian tsar. The United States Extreme Court overturned more long-standing law by overturning Roe v. Wade, which played no small part in handing Ratpublicans the weakest midterm showing in decades, allowing Democrats to increase their Senate majority, and add governorships and state legislature majorities across the country.

Climate crisis catastrophes accelerated in number and degree across the globe as oil companies continued to sabotage all attempts to reduce human impacts on global conditions.

NASA launched the James Webb telescope to see if there is intelligent life anywhere in the universe. Nothing so far.

Save America From Americans

Still, thanks to Ratpublicans insisting on eliminating elections, democracy and reality in general, the stupidity is so overwhelming and so widespread that our entire system of political and social norms, such as they are, risk collapsing into chaos and fascism. It is not hyperbole to imagine long-term irreparable damage to civilization itself if these medieval Machiavellian morons have their way. This is not one of our predictions (Or is it?), but just something think and gnash your teeth about.

Now, Back To The Future

Many people do not realize that predicting the future is not an exact science. Truth be told, science is not always an exact science. A large swath of America does not even think science is real. In reality – as if that’s still a thing – nobody can predict the future…as if that’s still a thing. Nonetheless, we will put our non-existent reputation on the line to tell it like it will be. Our record has been as good as anyone’s since our first foray into Predictions, Prophecies, Prognostications, Projections and Piffle back in 2013.

I. Carnac, questioning all the answers that will be given in 2023

So, 2022, finally goes the way of all years, good, bad or ugly. It is all but guaranteed that we will be here to see it end.

In any event, here is what we predict you will see over the next 12 months…

January 6, 2023

If The Guy’s A Blight, You Must Indict

The Jan 6 Committee along with Attorney General Merrick Garland reconvenes in a surprise primetime appearance to announce the warrant for the arrest of Donald Trump.

A somewhat less somber than usual AG Garland:

Two years ago today in this hallowed edifice, then-president and life-long asshole, racist, fascist conman Donald Trump – you’ll pardon the expression – incited a premeditated coup attempt. His supporters beat law enforcement officers with American flags, Blue Lives Matter banners, pointed sticks, and assorted other weaponry as they attempted to subvert the will of the majority – an uncommonly large majority – of the American electorate. Obviously, seeing as Mr. Trump was sorest winner when he did actually win the Electoral College – with the help of Russia (even says so in the Mueller report, though Mueller himself was unwilling to say that), he was not expected to take losing well, especially losing in such spectacular fashion. Frankly, he got crushed. But really, what could he have expected? The first time, no one knew what a Trump administration would really look like. Well, some of us kind of did know, but once people got a good, long whiff of the criminality, incompetence and blatant racism and authoritarianism, who but the most deplorable among us would vote for him a second time. Okay, so he did get many more votes the second time around, but that’s not the point. He lost. He lost big. He committed innumerable crimes in the attempt to overturn his loss and now his ass belongs to the law. The only thing left to say is, “Lock him up!”

January 11, 2023

This Is An Ex-president

As authorities search for the disgraced, twice-impeached, failed insurrection leader and Fifth-Amendment-dependent ex-one-term-president, Trump attempts to hide out in a Monty Python sketch from 50 years ago.

But is ultimately caught because he is too big, fat and stupid to blend in…

Trump, placed in the appropriate Python sketch,
more than just tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk

And so begins the Paying Attention™ panoply of predictions for 2023. As always, Ed Venture, I. Mangrey, T. Doff and Shay King bring you the future before it’s too late.

Go and get an appropriate attitude adjustment and gird your loins folks, we’re just getting started.  It is predicted that Part II will be appearing very soon.

Thought For The Day

A Simple Twist Of Hate

December 24, 2022

There is a saying most of us have heard. Though often attributed to Albert Einstein, its actual origin is in doubt:

“Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

When it comes to Ratpublicans, particularly in the current context of needing, and most Americans wanting, common sense gun reform (including a ban on assault weapons), meaningful abortion rights, civil rights and voting rights, increased taxes on the very rich, and immediate and robust action on climate crisis, this wise saying must be modified ever so slightly:

“Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and desiring the same results.”

Of course, this is not merely insanity, it is evil. And it turns out that this also holds true for pretty much all Ratpublican policies. 

Unfortunately, the problem is not isolated to Ratpublicans, though they have taken things to the extreme. As Dahlia Lithwick in her new book Lady Justice: Women, the Law, and The Battle to Save America, Elie Mystal in his recent best seller Allow Me To Retort: A Black Guy’s Guide to The Constitution, and others insist, our laws and customs are working exactly as they were designed. Kind of insane.

Far too many of our founding designs and documents protected the rights of slavers and gave none whatsoever to women or indigenous peoples. The bizarre Electoral College (something absent in every other democracy), the badly designed Senate (which gives states like Wyoming excessive representation, and there are simply too many Dakotas, Virginias and Carolinas), and an unelected (over 95 percent white and male throughout its history) Supreme Court.

You’ll notice there is no Sanity Clause.

BONUS FUN:

The Flynnstones

This has been your Paying Attention™ Thought For The Day.

Thought For The Day

Whole Lotta Crimin’ Going On

December 23, 2022

The January 6 Committee finally released their massive 845-page report yesterday. I was hoping that rather than crush Trump with a 16-ton weight they might have chosen to expose him to a death by a thousand transcripts.

Even though this would have been a much more effective strategy a few months ago, controlling the daily news cycle with the drip, drip, drip of a transcript here, a report excerpt there, would likely have suffocated any more MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENTS and more trading card releases, or any other Trumpian attempts to distract from his crimes against democracy from getting any media oxygen.

It seems that we might be gifted with the best of both worlds. There are reports that more transcripts are likely to be released. After all, a report is just a narrative derived from more than a thousand interviews – some of them presenting more than just the hundreds (probably thousands) of invocations of the Fifth Amendment and claims of “I don’t recall” regurgitated by dozens of witnesses. Transcripts likely have countless juicy, gory and hifuckinglarious details. Drip, drip, drip.

But now, coming in at slightly less than 16 tons, the big one is out, just in time for the holiday. It should make a good conman stuffer.

Personally, I plan to wait for the movie. Rumor has it that the ever-festering Trump will be played by a CGI potato since there are no self-respecting actors appear willing to play the disgraced, twice-impeached, failed insurrection leader and Fifth-Amendment-dependent ex-one-term-president. Not for all the Trump NFTs in the world.

He oughta be in pictures

And it will surely all be detailed in Mike Pence’s new book:

On Second Thought…

Former Deputy Solicitor General of the United States Neal Katyal said, “The Republican Party is no longer the party of the Second Amendment, they’re now the party of the Fifth Amendment.”

This has been your Paying Attention™ Thought For The Day.

Playing The Trump Cards

MAJOR GENERAL ANNOUNCEMENT

December 22, 2022

Disgraced, twice-impeached, failed insurrection leader and Fifth-Amendment-dependent ex-one-term-president and professional life-long grifter Donald Trump, who continues to insist he is still president, has once again drenched himself with shame and ignominy with yet another pathetic scam to bilk his mentally-challenged supporters. This time we find Dumb Donald hawking kitschy (i.e., pathetic and ugly) digital trading cards. For a mere $99 you (well, not you, but someone nothing like you) can “have” for your very own (sort of) a custom made photoshopped image of Trump – though not one of your own choosing, but instead a randomly selected one – delivered to…your email?

These images depict El Trumpo as many things he has never been – astronaut, military man, cowboy, football player, elephant rider, president…and all of them show Donald the Hutt as svelte as all get-out. As if all that was not enough, each purchase entitled the buyer to enter a lottery to win any of a number of special prizes, one of which was lunch with the Donald itself.

Fortunately for you, it's already too late to get your filthy little hands on any of Trump's long awaited In-The-Pokey-Mon Cards. For one thing, they never really existed in the first place – they were worthless NFTs, whatever the fuck they are (were). If you don’t understand exactly, or even vaguely, what NFTs are, then good for you. Also, according to the biggest liar in the history of humankind (despite not being fully human, but some bizarre, experiment-gone-very-very-wrong human/animal hybrid) – Donald Trump – these ersatz digital excretions sold out almost immediately. Just like Trump himself. Chances are, he had them bought up by a sympathetic (emphasis on pathetic) party, or simply bought them himself, or more likely made them disappear, or most likely the whole event was fake news designed to distract the spotlight away from other things like being referred to the Justice Department for insurrection and other bad behavior, or his tax returns finally seeing the light of day. We really need to start ignoring anything he says or does unless it involves him testifying or being frog-marched out of Mor-on Lago.

For those of you stuck in a horrible depression, having missed out on the dumbest opportunity of a lifetime – this side of investing with Sam Bankman-Fried's cryptocurrency scam FTX – we here at Paying Attention™ feel your digital pain. We are making available our own very beautiful none-of-a-kind custom images of the greatest president since P.T. Barnum, purely out of love for you, the American people, and not as a way to con you out of your hard-earned dollars – hopefully, millions and millions of dollars.

Trump In The Wind, Little Donny In Bed With Food, Don With Binky,
Tweeting In The Oval, Fuckface Von Clownstick & Jon Stewart, Trump & Pet COVIDs,
MAGAmorphosis, Don & Vlad Forever, Trumpiñata, Daffy Don

But wait, there’s more…

Donny Dowrong, Hair Trump: Der Furor, Trump Stress Conference,
Trumpolini Testifies, Dead Trump Sketch, Maj. “King” Trump Riding The Bomb,
Trump Of Man, Trump Gets His Way, Cave Trumps Hunting Rats

As a special offer for this wonderful holiday season – yes, that’s right I said holiday season – the wonderful people here at Paying Attention™ are making these incredible images of “your favorite president of all time – better than Lincoln, better than Washington”* available, for a limited time only for a mere $1,000,000 each. You, and you alone will be the exclusive owner of the very, very beautiful image of your choice.** And you can even choose the one you want, none of this random assignment shit you get from other scam artists. Act now and get an ice crusher.

Ann Artist at work

__________________________________________________
*Yes, he actually fucking said this in his MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT
**Unless someone else is also willing to buy the same one

Ann Artist
Art Director, Paying Attention™

Schmuck Of The Day: Son of Scam

The Fruit Doesn’t Fall Far From The Tree

December 19, 2022

The Shit Doesn’t Fall Far From The Asshole

Donald Fucking Junior was at some right-wing whine and sleaze fest complaining – on stage, in public (not to mention constantly on social media) – about being silenced.

“What the hell is wrong with you people? My father was
the best president since President George III” Don Trump, Jr.,
shown here holding onto his brain for dear life

Someone should tell Son of Scam that there’s a big difference between being silenced and most people not giving a flying fuck what the hell you are saying.

This has been your Paying Attention™ Schmuck Of The Day. No contest.

Thought For The Day

(Crowd) Size Matters

December 17, 2022

I truly believe that in general Joe Biden is trying to do what he can for this country – all of this country, as opposed to the Ratpublican focus on doing what is best for the wealthiest 1%. There can be no question that Biden and the Democrats, with the glaring exceptions of Joe Mansion and Kyrsten Say-no-ma, are the only ones trying to salvage voting rights in this country.

I have been holding off on reporting this story, hoping that Biden would finally wake up and do the important work of presidenting. However, I just cannot comprehend Biden's continued refusal to address the critical issue of crowd size. Whether it be his inauguration, his rallies, his upcoming State of The Union address, which will likely be boycotted by the disloyal opposition, who are too busy kissing Putin’s ass.

Biden has steadfastly refused to address this critical issue that was all but the sole focus of the previous, and to more than two thirds of Ratpublicans, still current administration, albeit in absentia.

“Bing, bing, bong, bong, bing, bing” bitches!

Sorry Joe, no one can out-Bing, bing, bong, bong, bing, bing the master baiter

Come on Joe, on January 6^th Donny Danger was so big on size he was willing to bring a bunch of armed lunatics into his very great pre-insurrection pep rally to make his insignificant penis crowd look bigly. Admittedly, he knew the knife, spear, bear spray, handgun, assault rifle-toting throng was not there to hurt him, they were there to hurt you, but still it takes…something…to let all those unhinged fascists join his hatefest. And he made sure to tell everyone that it was the biggest crowd ever gathered anywhere. Ever.

This has been your Paying Attention™ Thought For The Day.

SPECIAL FEATURE: PAYING ATTENTION™ DAILY AFFIRMATION

December 16, 2022

Disgraced, twice-impeached, failed insurrection leader and Fifth-Amendment-dependent ex-one-term-president Donald Trump and dozens of his congressional hench-monkeys continue to find themselves under a judicial microscope for plotting to overturn the 2020 election of Joe Biden and inciting an insurrection to overthrow the government. 

As always, The-Once-And-Future-Thing attempted to distract from his all-you-can-tweet buffet of legal imbroglios. Two days ago Trump teased a MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT that would be revealed the following day.

Yes, he actually posted this (and it was a video)

It turned out the MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT was that the former Grifter in-Chief was selling crap. Did he mention he's really rich?

I couldn’t make this shit up, believe me.
And if I could, I wouldn’t.
But if I did, you should shun me.

Only $99 each – collect them none

Even Trump aficionado and human sewer Steve Bannon said, “Make it stop.”

Unfortunately, there have been too many times when we have seen Donald Turmp under fire, under investigation, under interrogation, under oath, only to emerge nowhere near scathed enough to satisfy truth, justice or the American way. Once again, those of us with IQs that are not preceded by a decimal point find ourselves hoping against hope, watching as the Russian-roulette-cylinders of justice spin ceaselessly, with the barrel of justice now pointed squarely at the orange-dyed temple of the man who tried to steal America. Will it finally land on the chamber with the proverbial bullet in it when the metaphorical trigger is pulled? Will the trigger ever actually be pulled?

In any event, let us bathe ourselves in positive thoughts and imagery, that we may summon into existence that which we desire. Here is a little something to help set the mood:

This has been your Paying Attention™ Daily Affirmation
It’s like a moment of Zen, only more New Agey.