Predictions, Prophecies, Prognostications, Projections and
Piffle
The End (of The Year) is Near
December
29, 2022
Where
We Will Have Gone From Here
It
is time to pick up where we laughed off. Hopefully, you are sufficiently
soused, fittingly fried, tenuously toasted, or otherwise appropriately altered
as 2022 melts away like the Arctic and America’s
democracy. If you had already started your Rent-A-Coma experience
and are not seeing this in a timely manner, welcome back – I hope you are
feeling refreshed, or at least blissfully unaware of any of the disastrous
depredations that occurred while you were “out.” In any event, welcome to
Part II of our annual three-part series on the way it will be in 2023. But
buckle up, there’s still a very good chance of turbulence, and definitely some
Turmpulence and his verbal flatulence ahead. Though with this malignant
martinet, it is difficult and dangerous to get one’s hopes up, there is a new special federal prosecutor
in town, a laundry list of pending charges and more than a few active
investigations poised to puncture this hot-air buffoon.
“It makes me mildly nauseous to think we
might have had some impact on the election.”
James Comey May 3, 2017
“What do you mean we, white man?”
Ed Venture December 28, 2021
February 25, 2023
Phantom Of The Capitol
Trump is finally tracked down
and remanded to Capitol Police. Not having enough time or physical strength to
dig himself a Saddam Hussein-type spider hole to hide in, Trump was found
waist-deep in countless buckets of KFC and classified documents in the
once-padlocked room where most of Trump’s stolen classified documents had been
discovered almost a year ago. According to reports, a desperate Trump was
dragged, kicking and screaming and foaming at the mouth, and ultimately just
babbling, “I won! I won! You can’t treat the president of America this way. Did
you see the size of my crowd?” and still clutching a stack of stolen documents.
He is locked in the jail below
the Capitol awaiting trial. Or possibly forgotten and left to rot.
The Phantom of The Capitol – still clinging to his precious documents
(somehow, more than he came in with; where do you suppose he was hiding them?)
May 1, 2023
What's That Smell? Is That Musk?
Elon Musk shows up for his
latest Twitter press conference presumably in a towel – one hopes. Apparently
having not slept for several days (weeks? months?) Musk addressed his latest
mass suspension of anyone who did not vote for Donald Trump twice. He
repeatedly referred to his latest plaything as “Twister” and rarely opened his
eyes throughout the event, ultimately having to be helped off the podium and
laid in the back seat of what appeared to be a blood-stained Tesla Model X,
having been almost knocked over by the vertically-opening door as he
belligerently attempted to shoo away his support team. Obviously in no
condition to drive, the Tesla CEO presumably engaged self-driving mode and
rammed in short order into a hedge before one of Musk’s entourage replaced him
behind the wheel, disabled autopilot (and Musk) and silently sped off before
wreaking any further havoc.
The following day, Musk
unwittingly suspended himself from Twitter. He reportedly took a vow of silence
that lasted about an hour. He has incessantly been heard from since.
July 21, 2023
That's Not A Compliment
Trump wins No Balls Putz Prize
for cowardly behavior in the face of his own massive stupidity, for acting
below and beyond comprehension. For inciting insurrection, stealing classified
documents, spending an entire year whining about his big election lie, and
generally being a fascist fuckwit.
Nap
Time
Go
and have a nap or a concussion, maybe some Prozac or a quick round of
Rent-A-Coma. There is a good chance Part III is coming soon. Get
ready for the end of 2020 Part II, aka 2021. We’ve got the Magic 8 Ball in
overdrive – we asked again later, survived countless hazy replies, and
celebrated a surprising number of “Signs point to yes”. These are not fake
predictions.
Ed Venture, I. Mangrey, T. Doff and Shay King continue bringing you the future before it gets away.
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