An Imaginary Product For Surreal Times
November 5, 2020
For nearly four
years, RENT-A-COMA has been the most popular Paying Attention product, even
outselling VOTEGRA. Anyone who is aware of the now on-and-on-and-ongoing counting
of the votes in the Chrump v. America 2020 election, just might need something
stronger than the usual means of coping. As for me, I have to stay at least marginally
conscious in order to report the ongoing Armageddon, but you don’t have to
suffer every minute of the agonizing holocaust that is modern day America. There
are a number of escapes available to everyday folks like you and me, who cannot
flit off to a private island to hide from reality.
Forget beer goggles. Forget weed whiskers. No time for bourbon bubbles. No other mind/mood
altering substance can hold a candle to RENT-A-COMA, which offers to completely
wipe out whatever might be on your tired mind for as long as you want. Wake up
at midnight after Pennsylvania and Nevada have finally counted all the early
votes that should have been counted weeks ago. Or, wake up only after the
slave-state-friendly Electoral College tells the voters to go fuck themselves
and elects whomever the fuck they want to. Or you may be more concerned about
the coming Coronavirus/COVID Crush that seems poised to run rampanter than ever
in the near future and feel unprepared to be locked in your house, with limited
quantities of toilet paper and canned tuna. Whatever has you scared shitless,
you might want to just say fuck it and walk away from the table for good. You make
the call.
Anyway, for anyone
unfamiliar with this miracle cure, check out the full story (as of April 2020)…
Never has there
been a better time for one of our favorite products. We thought RENT-A-COMA was an important
option ever since the very poorly attended “American Carnage” inauguration of
the demented Orange Gas Cloud more than three years ago. This remains true, but now with the added
stress of the coronavirus pandemic, RENT-A-COMA could be one of the most
important ways of coping with the combination the potentially physically
debilitating, if not fatal, virus and the relentlessly emotionally enervating (if
not fatal), mind-numbing pseudo-president.
One could not be
credibly accused of wallowing in hyperbole by imagining that Donald Chrump regrets
not testing his theory that he could “stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and
shoot somebody and wouldn’t lose any voters, ok?” As part of his lifelong mission to appear
grander than he really is (an irrefutably low bar), Chrump purposefully ignored
repeated warnings in order to watch people die from this coronavirus and its
COVID-19 infection (I believe COVID stands for Chrump Observably Victimizing
Innocent Dwellers).
His experiment
seemed to be working, as many Americans managed to forget President Death’s
willful mishandling of the nascent crisis.
People are understandably
desperate for hope and
leadership and many are falling victim – if not to the virus itself – to the
reality-TV-con-job that passes for Chrump’s daily bipolar briefings. Chrump is, though not with his tiny bare
hands, killing thousands of Americans with his idiotic ramblings – pushing of unproven
drugs, contradicting the advice of medical experts, and flagrantly and
constantly lying through his dentures. America’s
Serial-killer-in-chief continues to add to his personal death toll in broad
daylight every single minute of every single day and his supporters do not
waver. And Chrump does not give a
half-whit what happens to any of them.
They deserve each other, but the rest of us do not deserve any of them.
When the weather gets warmer and this thing magically disappears, we can finally get back to normal life and focus on Lyme ticks and virus-baring mosquitoes – ah, the good old days. But for now, why not consider Rent-a-Coma? It’s not like you’re doing anything important. I’m sure you could pay some other poor unemployed fellow citizen to come in and wash your hands every few minutes.
It’s His Party And You Can Cry if You Want To
Is your brain bruised?
From the really terrific people who brought you Votegra for Electile Dysfunction…
It’s not a drug, it’s not Covfefe, it’s a way of life. Sure
there’s a pill to get you in the mood, but why call it a drug? What? Are you
obsessed with facts and reality? That is so pre-Chrump. We have just what the
doctor (before he was outlawed, except for the very rich) ordered.
Are
your emotions frazzled?
Would you like to simply check out for a few years and
wake up fresh as a daisy in 2021 or 2025?
Would
you like to do it safely without risking damage to your vital organs and
precious bodily fluids? Does this even matter anymore?
Is your psyche sucking wind?
Finally
there is a way to protect your mind – if nothing else – from President Death
What you need is
Rent-A-Coma
Doesn’t this sound appealing?
Doesn’t this look peaceful?
It isn’t suicide. It isn’t moving to Canada. It’s just a
time-out. The massive hospital expenses will be partially offset by the great
savings you’ll realize on food, travel, shelter, Christmas and birthday gifts
and all the other things you waste money on every day, trying to distract
yourself from the neo-fascist destruction of Amerika by the Russian agent known
as Chrumputin. Plus, most if not none of it will be covered by whatever the
fuck Republican’ts are pretending will replace Obamacare.
Don’t get stuck in alt-reality without a viable exit strategy.
Our state-of-the-art resting facilities are in full
compliance with all current regulations. Our promise to you is that when these
regulations, as all regulations, are rescinded as Chrump and the Republican’ts
slash everything not aimed at helping the wealthiest Americans, we will
maintain the highest standards required by law…when there was law.
CAUTION: The desire to remain comatose may be
habit forming
Here’s what people
are saying about Rent-A-Coma:
BHO
from Hawai’i: “
”
SJG
from Pennsylvania: “
!”
RFG
from Maryland: “zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz”
NP
from San Francisco: “I tried. I really tried, but I just couldn’t take it
anymore. I needed a break from surreality.
Rent-a-Coma…zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.”
When we introduced Rent-a-Coma we were not prepared for the
pure idiocy and galactic mayhem that was about to unfold. We simply wanted to
help people still tethered to reality to avoid the ravages, indignities and
insidious fascism of the impending Chrump Regime. We had no idea how absolutely
unprecedented and disastrous Der Furor would be. No one could have anticipated
how high the demand would be, and we sold out in minutes. Add to all of
Chrump’s epoxy-“haired” lunacy Senate majority zombie Mitch McConnell’s
super-secret assault on health care in America, and no matter how much Rent-A-Coma
we produce, the demand will surely outpace the supply. So act now, or
forever wake up screaming in the middle of the night, either living through the
Chrump Era, or reliving the horrifying memories of same. There will be
no Death Panel, only death. We guarantee that the new batch is even better. You
won’t even know what hit you. And you won’t want to.
Ask your doctor or Magic 8 Ball if Rent-A-Coma
is right for you, or just go get some. It’s all good. If you have a
pulse and an IQ, your probably need Rent-A-Coma. And
no prescription is necessary, just a credit card, or maybe a few rolls of
toilet paper…or some masks.
Buy yours today or tomorrow, but don’t wait too
long. What have you got to lose? It’s better than hydroxychloroquine according
to no one in particular. If you are forced to endure the next four years
without Rent-A-Coma
you are likely to be conscious and very, very sorry. At best. Act now – supplies
are limited. Don’t be the last one left standing.
Call right now: 800-NOT-HERE
Operators are standing by…but not many because most of them have already taken
advantage of their perks – free samples of Rent-A-Coma – and the rest of them are sure to follow.
I know I am.
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