Time To Require White People To Prove They Should Be Allowed To Vote
November 17, 2020
Unfortunately, with
all the insanity and trauma leading up to the recent election, the warehouse
containing one of Paying Attention’s most important and necessary products –
the Mental Detector™ – was under a court-ordered lockdown.
Something about neglecting to pay rent or bribe officials or some such thing. And
apparently many people are saying there is some sort of pandemic going on. Who can
really tell?
We now suggest
that folks, especially those responsible for supplying equipment for our poll
workers (many of whom braved the deadly Chrump Virus pandemic in order to help
us vote out the most dangerous, criminal and certifiably insane presidents in
our nation’s history), stock up on this critically important device in order to
have it on hand for every future election. This might be especially critical
for the upcoming senate run-off races in Georgia, which will determine whether
the Biden/Harris administration will be free to enact its agenda or will be
paralyzed by Bitch McConnell’s anti-American death-grip.
It is now obvious
that Mental Detector™ technology was desperately needed during the
recent election. Clearly there was a problem with the American electorate as
more than 70,000,000 alleged humans voted to keep a pathological liar, conman
and fascist in power in a country that is supposed to be a beacon of democracy
for the world. There must be a way to ensure that such a creature never again
contaminates our political discourse, let alone our White House.
Alas, it is too
late to protect an election which, despite protestations to the contrary by the
losing party, is over, done and dusted. We at Paying Attention believe we have
the answer to protect us going forward…
You Can Dumb, But You
Can’t Hide
October Surprise, 2018
Were you sickened to your core over Investi-Gate
and the whole Kavanaugh Caper? Are you
tired of Russian election meddling?
Looking for a way to offset the mental midgetry exhibited by many of the
blindly loyal, excessively white and witless Chrump voters?
Brought to you by the good folks at Paying Attention. The people who brought you VOTEGRA and RENT-A-COMA.
In case you haven’t noticed, American’s
electoral system is a complete and total disaster. We at Paying Attention are calling for a
complete and total ban on ignorant, purposefully uninformed, mentally defective
people being allowed to vote. We would
prefer that they be kept out of the White House as well. To quote our very own Disaster-in-chief,
“This American carnage stops right here and stops right now.” Only two words are necessary to drive home the
importance of this issue: Donald Chrump.
America needs a way to ensure that people casting ballots
are actually capable of doing so. We
cannot allow our cherished elections to be overrun by mercury-infested mental
midgets. Age is not the real issue. I suppose it is fair that children cannot vote
even though they are, in many ways, smarter than most adults, and the
consequences of elections impact them, if not more so, then certainly for a
longer time. Gender is not the issue –
even though all of our founding fathers, and their children, and their
children’s children and so on, all the way until 1920, found it unnecessary, if
not unacceptable, for women to vote. Race
is not the issue – at least not officially…anymore – with the exception of
Texas, North Carolina, South Carolina and a few other less flagrantly racist
states. We have already tried the
literacy test, and as it had nothing to do with literacy, it was disgraceful.
However, in these modern times where tiny cameras can be dispatched
into your colon to see what is going on in there, where satellites and drones
(some, the size of dragonflies) can tell how many hairs are on your head
(unless you happen to have them wrapped around and around and around like a
heap of badly-colored cotton candy), and microwave ovens can – according to
Kellyanne Conjob – turn themselves into spy cameras for George Soros, it is time
to bring modern technology to bear on our most fundamental and (theoretically) cherished
rights – the right to vote. And not just
the ability to have our votes hacked, changed or deleted. We need technology to Make Voting Great
Again. Remember, our Founding Fathers
only wanted wealthy, land-owning white males to vote…for electors (the
Electoral College), who in turn would decide who would be president. Now just about everyone can vote, but there
clearly needs to be more to voter registration than being over the age of 18,
not currently serving a felony rap, and having a pulse.
Morans like this should not be voting until they get some help
So You Think You Can
Vote
What we need is a way to determine that before you cast a
vote, that you have sufficient social and mental capacity to know what the hell
you are getting all of us into. There is
more at stake than making sure you can carry an assault weapon while you are
getting shit-faced at the local bar, or that you cannot be forced to make a
wedding cake for a gay couple, or that your teen-aged neighbor who was raped by
her father is forced to have that baby, or that your taxes – which are more
than most people make in a year or two – should be lowered. What this country needs is a Mental Detector. We need one in the White House, we need
several in the Capitol building, and since some of our elected officials are so
intent on voter ID, it is time to install mental detectors at all polling
places. It does not even matter if you
are Democrat or Republican’t, registered to vote, living or dead. (Apparently many dead people forget to cancel
their voter registration, but almost none of them vote. Some say this is
illegal, but what if it is simply incredible dedication?) All we really need to know, and obviously now
more than ever, is whether or not you are electorally competent before we let
you select people to run this nation for years on end. America needs the amazing new Mental Detector™
to weed out the mental defectives.
America needs mental detectors
Moron-a-Tron’s Mental
Detector™ can detect even the smallest hint of meaningful, reality-based
brain activity, and not just the kind that keeps your vital functions humming
along. Wouldn’t it be great to know what
you are talking to before wasting valuable time trying to discuss politics with
the guy screaming on the subway about how great Chrump is? Once it is determined that there is more than
a festering vacuum between the ears, the amazing new Mental Detector™
begins phase two. It measures brain
waves and can determine if the person being scanned has any factual knowledge
of American history, foreign affairs and maybe a current event or two. Addiction to Fux News and alternative facts is
immediately recognized by Mental Detector™.
Mental Detector™ can
ascertain if the subject has ever read, or has even the vaguest notion of what
is in the Constitution (the real one, not the imaginary one so many Americans
claim to have faith in), a reasonable grasp of current events (the real ones,
not the ones on Fux News, or what appears on Chrump’s Twitter feed), and the
way our government works.
Unfortunately, even the best mental detectors known to man
cannot fight voter suppression, gerrymandering, voting machine hacking and
Republican’t COLLUSION with Russian election meddling, but we need all the help
we can get. If you are not mentally
defective, get out and vote like your life depends on it. It probably does.
Mental Detector™ – Using science to make America
great again
Make sure your polling place has one
Another quality product brought to you by your good friends at Paying Attention
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