Investi-Gate

You Can Look, But You Can’t See

October 1, 2018 

The White Male House has finally been shamed into ordering the FBI to “investigate” what is has decided are “current credible accusations” against Angry Turd/Supreme Court nominee Bart O’Kavanaugh.  It is not uncommon for the scope of this type of investigation to be dictated by the president.  Or, in this case, presided over by a dictator.  While Chrump told reporters that the White Male House will be taking a hands-off approach to the FBI investigation, letting them do whatever they want to do, many people are saying that we have been lied to once or 5000 times by Chrump.

First there was Watergate, then Iran-Contra-gate, followed by any number of other ‘gates’.  What we’re getting ready to deal with in the coming week will one day be known as “Investi-gate”.

It will be interesting to see how much shit they can dig up on this asshole in one week.



Paying Attention has reached out to our deep background sources to uncover the restrictions placed on this investigation by the Chrump White Male House.  The scope of the investigation into the shrieking, heavily partisan, flagrantly dishonest, ex-black-out-drunk, misogynist (at least) Kavanaugh’s past is as follows:

The FBI may research the following information, and only the following information as regards the past of Mr. Kavanaugh, the future Supreme Court Justice.  They may inquire of the subject and two or three other people the subject’s name and date of birth.  They may investigate whether he puts his pants on one leg at a time, and if has always done so.  It is permitted to ask those who know him just how great a person he is.

The FBI may not ask anyone about the future Supreme Court Justice’s drinking habits.  They are forbidden from speaking to anyone other than Christine Blasey Ford about possible rape or rape-adjacent behavior.  Any information that sheds a negative light on the great and wonderful Mr. Kavanaugh, must be rejected as fake news and not revealed to anyone at any time.  All agents involved in this investigation must be men, real men.  If any more fake accusers emerge during the investigation, they will be ignored or possibly taken to court – depending on how much they continue to make fake accusations against this good and innocent man.  Now let’s get this fake investigation finished quickly so this confirmation can be confirmed in a jiffy, if not sooner.

Donald’s handlers forced him to briefly stop piling the hate and utter contempt on Christine Blasey Ford.  He managed to behave himself for several minutes, and was even told to go as far as calling Blasey Ford “very compelling,” and a “very credible witness.”  Chrump’s supporters are playing up Chrump calling Dr. Ford a “very fine woman.”  Let us not forget he also described some racists and Nazis as “very fine people.”  Naturally, Chrump’s handlers did not force him to say he actually believed Kavanaugh’s accuser.  Once beyond the gaze of his handlers, Hair Chrump weighed in on Fake Twitter:

 

Chrump’s newest lapdawg Lindsey Graham, self professed “single, white man from South Carolina who…will not shut up,” told 60 Minutes that he will vote to confirm Kavanaugh regardless of what the FBI uncovers.  Good to know where these Republican’ts’ loyalties lie.  And do not forget, Jeff Flake still voted to move Kavanaugh’s nomination to the full Senate, where you can be sure that most Republican’ts (very likely including Flake and Collins) will vote to rape women…I mean confirm Kavanaugh.

I. Mangrey reporting.  I wish I could drink enough to black out right about now.