Mental Detector

You Can Dumb, But You Can’t Hide

October Surprise, 2018

Were you sickened to your core over Investi-Gate and the whole Kavanaugh Caper?  Are you tired of Russian election meddling?  Looking for a way to offset the mental midgetry exhibited by many of the blindly loyal, excessively white and witless Chrump voters?

Brought to you by the good folks at Paying Attention.  The people who brought you Votegra and Rent-A-Coma.  In case you haven’t noticed, American’s electoral system is a complete and total disaster.  We at Paying Attention are calling for a complete and total ban on ignorant, purposefully uninformed, mentally defective people being allowed to vote.  We would prefer that they be kept out of the White House as well.  To quote our very own Disaster-in-chief, “This American carnage stops right here and stops right now.”  Only two words are necessary to drive home the importance of this issue: Donald Chrump.

America needs a way to insure that people casting ballots are actually capable of doing so.  We cannot allow our cherished elections to be overrun by mercury-infested mental midgets.  Age is not the real issue.  I suppose it is fair that children cannot vote even though they are, in many ways, smarter than most adults, and the consequences of elections impact them, if not more so, then certainly for a longer time.  Gender is not the issue – even though all of our founding fathers, and their children, and their children’s children and so on, all the way until 1920, found it unnecessary, if not unacceptable, for women to vote.  Race is not the issue – at least not officially…anymore – with the exception of Texas, North Carolina, South Carolina and a few other less flagrantly racist states.  We have already tried the literacy test, and as it had nothing to do with literacy, it was disgraceful.

However, in these modern times where tiny cameras can be dispatched into your colon to see what is going on in there, where satellites and drones (some, the size of dragonflies) can tell how many hairs are on your head (unless you happen to have them wrapped around and around and around like a heap of badly-colored cotton candy), and microwave ovens can – according to Kellyanne Conjob – turn themselves into spy cameras for George Soros, it is time to bring modern technology to bear on our most fundamental and (theoretically) cherished rights – the right to vote.  And not just the ability to have our votes hacked, changed or deleted.  We need technology to Make Voting Great Again.  Remember, our Founding Fathers only wanted wealthy, land-owning white males to vote…for electors (the Electoral College), who in turn would decide who would be president.  Now just about everyone can vote, but there clearly needs to be more to voter registration than being over the age of 18, not currently serving a felony rap, and having a pulse. 

Morans like this should not be voting until they get some help

So You Think You Can Vote

What we need is a way to determine that before you cast a vote, that you have sufficient social and mental capacity to know what the hell you are getting all of us into.  There is more at stake than making sure you can carry an assault weapon while you are getting shit-faced at the local bar, or that you cannot be forced to make a wedding cake for a gay couple, or that your teen-aged neighbor who was raped by her father is forced to have that baby, or that your taxes – which are more than most people make in a year or two – should be lowered.  What this country needs is a Mental Detector.  We need one in the White House, we need several in the Capitol building, and since some of our elected officials are so intent on voter ID, it is time to install mental detectors at all polling places.  It does not even matter if you are Democrat or Republican’t, registered to vote, living or dead.  (Apparently many dead people forget to cancel their voter registration, but almost none of them vote. Some say this is illegal, but what if it is simply incredible dedication?)  All we really need to know, and obviously now more than ever, is whether or not you are electorally competent before we let you select people to run this nation for years on end.  America needs the amazing new Mental Detector™ to weed out the mental defectives.

America needs mental detectors

Moron-a-Tron’s Mental Detector™ can detect even the smallest hint of meaningful, reality-based brain activity, and not just the kind that keeps your vital functions humming along.  Wouldn’t it be great to know what you are talking to before wasting valuable time trying to discuss politics with the guy screaming on the subway about how great Chrump is?  Once it is determined that there is more than a festering vacuum between the ears, the amazing new Mental Detector™ begins phase two.  It measures brain waves and can determine if the person being scanned has any factual knowledge of American history, foreign affairs and maybe a current event or two.  Addiction to Fux News and alternative facts is immediately recognized by Mental Detector™.

Mental Detector™ can ascertain if the subject has ever read, or has even the vaguest notion of what is in the Constitution (the real one, not the imaginary one so many Americans claim to have faith in), a reasonable grasp of current events (the real ones, not the ones on Fux News, or what appears on Chrump’s Twitter feed), and the way our government works.

Can you spot the mental defectives in this picture?
Moron-a-Tron’s amazing new Mental Detector™ can!
The best mental detector on the market.

Unfortunately, even the best mental detectors known to man cannot fight voter suppression, gerrymandering, voting machine hacking and Republican’t COLLUSION with Russian election meddling, but we need all the help we can get.  If you are not mentally defective, get out and vote like your life depends on it.  It probably does.

Mental Detector™ – Using science to make America great again
Make sure your polling place has one


Another quality productrought to you by your good friends at Paying Attention