The Fateful Eight

Slow White and The Seven Dweebs

Blank Friday Eve
November 26, 2015

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. As you know, refugees are all over the news these days. Thanksgiving of course is the day we Americans celebrate the most notable, impactful immigrants in American history. That’s right, those greedy, gold-obsessed, disease-ridden, genocidal white people from across the Great Water, who came here unannounced and uninvited, claimed everything as their own, and then proceeded to hate on anyone who came after them for horning in on their land. In horror honor of this special day, I give you an eight-course, fat-free, feast of fiends. Ingest it slowly, there might still be a few bones.

Slow White

Carly Fiorina, who is running on a Stop Planned Parenthood From Eating Babies’ Brains platform is rising like a lead balloon in the polls. One thing you have to give her - she has totally outlasted Bobby Jindal. Keep your eye on this one – she is poised to break the 5% mark in just a few months, perhaps as soon as July. I can’t wait until Chrump asks her to be his VP.

Carly. Baby. You’re already lying. So just lie down. Eat the damned apple already and...

Chrumpy

Fascist-in-training Donald Chrump still leads the Field of Drains with just over a third of the anti-government/anti-qualifications vote. Chrump was recently asked if he thought his proposal to create a Muslim-American database was any different than how the Nazis required Jews to register with authorities. His response? “Who are you with?” The reporter told him, “I’m with NBC News.” Chrump’s repeated reply was, “You tell me.” And then he chrumped away.

Next, Chrump displayed his presidential finesse after his supporters hurled a few racial epithets, beat, kicked, subdued and removed a Black Lives Matter protester during a recent rally. One lone peaceful protester. As the man was escorted out Chrump repeatedly yelled “Get him the hell outta here.” He later said, “Maybe he should have been roughed up.” I suppose it’s only a matter of time until we hear him say, “Hey, the Blacks love me. Some of my best friends are blacks.”

For his next trick, when asked if he would bring back waterboarding, Chrump groused, “I would bring it back, yes. I would bring it back. I think waterboarding is peanuts compared to what they’d do to us, what they’re doing to us, what they did to James Foley when they chopped off his head. That’s a whole different level and I would absolutely bring back interrogation and strong interrogation." A real tuff guy. He doesn’t even care if it works, he just wants it done.

Lastly, Chrump pulled a Palin saying he saw thousands of Muslims dancing in the streets in Jersey City, New Jersey as the Twin Towers fell on 9/11. According to everyone else on the planet, this never happened. Trump defended himself by telling an NBC News reporter that he saw it, that he has "the world’s greatest memory" and that everybody knows that. Chrump’s memory is so good that he can even remember things that never happened. Hey, it’s a gift. Oh, and he told the NBC reporter that he couldn’t remember where he saw it.

Sleepy

Researchers have discovered that Dr. Ben Carson, part-time presidential candidate, well-known somnambulist and Hearse Whisperer, has been using his skull in an unexpected way. In a stunning report, one that will no doubt be dubbed overly scientific, researchers at Wossamotta U are poised to publish their findings. It turns out that Carson’s cranium does not enclose a brain with which to comprehend all the issues that are important for a presidential candidate to understand in order to become a viable alternative for the highest office in the land, but merely to store grain. This tiny silo, situated atop the retired medico’s neck makes it abundantly clear that Carson was, not as is commonly thought – a brain surgeon – but in actual fact, a Grain Surgeon. This would explain his insistence, to this day, that the Egyptian pyramids were not, as science, history, and common sense tell us – mausoleums for departed pharaohs – but according to Carson’s “own personal theory…that Joseph built the pyramids to store grain.” That would be Joseph, son of Jacob, son of Isaac, son of Abraham. According to Convoluted Rice expert Uncle Dr. Ben, “…it would have to be something awfully big – when you stop and think about it, and I don’t think it’d just disappear over the course of time – to store that much grain.” Actually, this is not what you deduce once you stop and think about it; it is what you suppose when you stop thinking about it.

Ben Carson valiantly trying to remember what planet he’s on – he will not prevail.

Bashful

John Kaisich, the supposedly sane one of the group, who is finding it impossible to gain traction among the Republican’t faithful as a result of his insistence on saying things that are not batshit crazy, is making his move to appeal to a whiter wider audience. While Kasich said just two months ago that the U.S. should accept refugees from Syria, last week he sent a letter to President Obama urging the federal government to stop sending any more Syrian refugees to Ohio. Of course governors have no power to make such un-American decisions, but that won’t stop Kaisich from pandering to constituents who are too busy wetting their pants to think straight. As white icing on his vanilla cake, the Ohio governor is now proposing the creation of a new government agency to push Judeo-Christian values around the world. He sees this as part of a national security plan to defeat ISIS. Crazy, stupid and/or just desperate?

Happy

Fiscally incompetent man-child Marco Rubio’s latest bon mot was in reference to same sex marriage, "We cannot to abide by that because government is compelling us to sin. So when those two come into conflict, God’s rules always win.” That’s right folks. Screw separation of Church and State. That’s a different America.

Rubio also explained that he couldn't be happier about the recent Paris terror attacks. He described the ISIS attacks as a "positive development," for the conversation everyone is having in the run up to November 2016. His newest ad entitled, "What happened in Paris could happen here' is a childish attempt to frighten everyone. To his credit, he does not at any time lunge off camera to grab a bottle of water. In response to Chrump's call to close down mosques, Marco Bozo chirped, "Well, I think it’s not about closing down mosques. It’s about closing down any place, whether it’s a café, a diner, an internet site, any place where radicals are being inspired," the senator said. I guess we can say good-bye to movie theaters, video games, libraries, Alabama, Montana and NRA gatherings once president Rubio takes charge. If you don’t wet your pants, Marco will wet them for you. Here’s what the ad looks like, sans the silly noises coming from his mouth:  
 

Rubio paints it black. Be afraid…or else.

Personally, I would say that we have nothing to fear but Rubio himself. Oh, and Ted Cruz…

Sleezy

Raphael “Ted” Cruz,Jr.’s father fought alongside Castro before emigrating from Cuba. As Cruz said in a recent interviewed, “If my father were part of a theocratic or political movement like radical Islamism, that promoted murdering anyone who didn’t share your extreme faith, or forcibly converting them, then it would make perfect sense [to not let them into this country]. Unwittingly proving that this is exactly what his father was a part of, Junior continued, “He started fighting when he was 14, he spent four years fighting, was throwing Molotov cocktails, I mean he was fighting alongside Castro.” Yes, that Castro. Some of you may recall that Castro was basically the ISIS of the Fifties and Sixties in the eyes of America. And Raphael “Ted”, Jr.’s dad was clearly for Castro before he was against him. Not sure when he infiltrated America.

Unfortunately Ted is far and away the smartest of the bunch. Make no mistake, he might be the worst of them in many ways, but he is very smart. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Dopey

J.E.B. is just dying (not literally, but I respect the sentiment) to put American lives on the line in Middle East. It’s not his fault. It’s a genetic thing. His dad and Iraq. His brother and Iraq. At least J.E.B. is thinking outside the bush…I mean box, by going into Syria. When the hell is someone going to wake up smell the Saudis? It sure won’t be a Bush, they’re family. Don’t forget old “Bandar” Bush. Or almost every 9/11 hijacker.

J.E.B refused to back away from his position that America should prioritize bringing in Christian – not Muslim – refugees of the Syrian civil war. The astute reporter asked how exactly you can tell them apart. J.E.B., unflinching, mewed, “Well you’re a Christian. You can prove you’re a Christian. It’s – ” “How?” the reporter pushed back. Bush shrugged his head and shoulders, “I think you can prove it – if you can’t prove it then, you know, you err on the side of caution.” If J.E.B. was smart he would do the rest of his campaign in mime.

Doc

Rand Paul also thinks he is running for president, especially now that he might pick up Bobby Jindal’s voter. 

And for Dessert...
this headline from Talking Points Memo:

    Scientists: Ted Cruz Understands Less About Climate Than A Kindergartner

And this graph from the article:

I. Mangrey reporting. Happy Thanksgiving.
Enjoy your family and friends. And maybe a little food.

Reality Is An Illusion

Schmuck Gets In Your Eyes

In My Room
November 18, 2015

I think our petulant Republican’t friends are long overdue for a time-out. They need to be sent to their room and most importantly, not be allowed to watch any more television until they can prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that they can tell the difference between what happens on television and what happens in real life. They blamed the Columbine massacre on music. They blame gun violence on video games. They blamed the Oklahoma City federal building bombing on Muslims until it became evident that it was white-as-snow and Christian-as-Mike-Huckabee, Timothy McVeigh. Speaking of Rev. Huckabee, he insists the U.S. should prioritize Christians over Muslims when considering who to admit to the country because he doesn’t “know of any other group of people uniquely who are targeting these individual civilians.” Maybe he should take his head out of his ass so he can see that there are lots of white folks (mostly, if not all Christians) who are terrorizing and killing Americans right here in the good old U.S. of A. Huckabee and his buddies blame inner city violence on Barack Obama, but don’t blame anyone (except maybe Obama) for cops killing unarmed black people, or white zealots murdering doctors who perform abortions. I could go on…but you knew that.

Just for the record, a partial list:

June 18, 2015 - Charleston, SC: 9 dead
May 23, 2014 - Isla Vista, CA: 6 dead, 7 wounded
December 14, 2012 - Newtown, CT: 27 killed, one injured
September 28, 2012 - Minneapolis, MN: 6 killed, 2 injured
August 5, 2012 - Oak Creek, WI: 6 killed, 3 injured
July 20, 2012 - Aurora, CO: 12 killed, 58 injured
October 12, 2011 - Seal Beach, CA: 8 killed, 1 injured
January 8, 2011 - Tucson, AZ: 6 killed, 11 injured

All white, American citizen shooters. Take that ISIS.

The Republican’ts blame ISIS on Obama rather than on their one-time hero, now persona non grata (even though his brother is crawling for president), George W. Bush who set the stage for precisely what we see today as regards terror attacks. According to one captured ISIS member, “The Americans came. They took away Saddam, but they also took away our security. I didn’t like Saddam, we were starving then, but at least we didn’t have war. When you came here, the civil war started.” Many people predicted this exact situation would result from Bush’s illegal, ill-advised, ill-managed, Halliburton-enriching invasion of Iraq.

TV or Not TV, That is The Question

The Republicants insist on looking to television for public policy and military tactical guidance. For example, Fux News-model Gretchen Carlson explained to a Fux military analyst how a character on Homeland “actually seems to sometimes know more about this war on terror and ISIS, than possibly the administration.” This inimitable “journalist” then showed a clip of her fictional hero to prove her point. Unsurprisingly, the dialogue included nothing more than things everyone everywhere has known about ISIS and their ilk, along with the standard ‘bomb-Iraq-into-a-parking-lot’ rhetoric we hear every day from John McCain and Lindsey Graham, and now the likes of Chrump (who put it most succinctly – “I would bomb the shit out of ‘em”), Carson and all the others vying for Bull Goose Looney. Carlson’s conclusion? “I mean, should we be listening to Homeland?” Her expert guest responded, “Yeah we probably ought to Gretchen. I don’t watch it, I know it’s a wonderful show. As you know, I have no idea what I’m talking about, but I do know a good idea when I don’t see it.”*



TV Reality

One could be excused for believing that ‘reality TV’ is real (after all it clearly has ‘reality’ right there in its name) since it involves real people – despite the fact that these real people are often scripted and placed in quite un-real situations for the sake of, oh let’s say ratings. But really, “24” was neither reality TV nor real, or anything vaguely resembling either one. That didn’t stop people like Dick Cheney and countless others from using Jack Bauer, the show’s protagonist, as a role model for Cheney’s torture program. Cheney even imagined (though more likely he simply lied through his teeth) that his fantasy program achieved great (or any) results.

Dick’s good buddy, Antonin Scalia also has great difficulty discerning reality from fiction. And this is the guy who insists he knows exactly what the Founding Fathers were thinking when they debated and wrote the Constitution. Yes that’s right, the Supreme Court justice who said no jury would ever convict Jack Bauer for waterboarding anyone, maintains that he accurately and unerringly interprets the precise and singular meaning of each and every word we pay him to understand and rule on. Really?

Now, these treacherous cretins want to know, “Why can't we take out these bastards?"** You know, because as anyone who watches - and believes what they see - on the teevee knows, it’s just a Game Of Thrones, a Family Feud over Blood And Oil, where the Price Is Right and you keep the evildoers from Breaking Bad by putting the Bold and The Beautiful, you know - your MacGyvers, your A Team, some American Gladiators and their Friends and other assorted Heroes - on the Frontline for 48 Hours or 60 Minutes, whichever comes first, and show them Who’s The Boss. Then, assuming all is not Lost, it’s Hee Haw and MISSION ACCOMPLISHED - a regular Bonanza - without a hint of Scandal, keeping the Empire intact, and the Homeland is saved forever. Just another day at The Office. If that doesn’t work just keep at it until you are the Last Man On Earth and you can live The Life Of Reily in your Little House On The Prairie or sail off on The Love Boat, and the rest of your life will be Happy Days. To me it is much more like Mystery Science Theater 3000 - just another less-than-B movie to which I must add witty banter and silly commentary.

Then of course there is good old The Donald Chrump, a hate enthusiast who is himself a reality TV show, but unlike all the others, is simultaneously completely phony all too real. The Republican’t field is rife with Trojan Whores hoping to insinuate themselves into the White House to fling their feces across the globe.

*I may have inadvertently added that last sentence. It was not my fault. Stuff happens.
** Actually asked by CNN reporter during press conference in Turkey this week

Also, too…

Professional abstinator and trusted (not sure by whom) abstinence counselor Bristol Palin is pregnant for the second (third?) time despite being entirely unmarried to two fiancés. At best one assumes that the fathers of her children are her ex-fiancés. When an interviewer said to Mama Grizzly, Sarah, "Of course, there are those who say, 'Come on, this goes against everything you stand for,'" the older, not necessarily wiser Palin cackled back, "Well, the cool thing about putting your faith in God, is he certainly is a God of second chances and third and fourth and fifth chances." I’m guessing this clan, especially happy-go-fucky Bristol, will need all the chances they can get. And we can all give thanks to God that she is safely tucked away in Wasilla, and nowhere near the White House.

Last And Least

Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal announced he has suspended his presidential campaign, which unbeknownst to anyone other than Bobby Jindal was an actual thing. I kid you not.

I. Mangrey reporting.

There is nothing wrong with your computer. Do not attempt to adjust the picture.

Bush It

Tweedle Dope and Tweedle Dork

Lost in the Bushes
November 4, 2015

You would be forgiven, nay applauded, for being oblivious to the fact that John Ellis Bush is still running for the Republican’t nomination for president. And you would have my undying envy. J.E.B. believes that his candidacy remains viable because his big brother’s approval rating has risen out of the toilet. Huh? He believes this despite the overwhelming evidence that just about everyone not named Bush (or on the Bush payroll) can see very clearly - that J.E.B. is a talentless, ineffectual hack with the personality of a block of Velveeta cheese.* Yet we have been told for years that he was the smart Bush. More Bush-style misunderestimation or oxymoron?

Of course nothing says more about a presidential candidate’s qualifications than having his failure-of-a-brother become less spectacularly unpopular thanks to the American public’s inability to remember anything other than their own names for longer than 15 minutes. Perhaps all this explains why J.E.B. is languishing at around 5% in national polling. And don’t even ask who he is losing to. Or to whom he is losing, for those of you partial to grammar.

From a guy who is far ahead of J.E.B. in the polls

Bush was recently asked if people were underestimating his comeback ability at this point in the GOP race in light of his lackluster performance. J.E.B. responded, "They don't know me. They don't know me. I eat nails when I wake up, then I have breakfast."

I don’t think the phrase “I eat nails” means what Bush thinks. It does not mean that every morning, before getting out of bed that you spend a half hour biting your fingernails down to the cuticles because you are afraid of your own shadow, finally mustering up the courage to scurry downstairs to have an actual food-type breakfast spoon-fed into your quivering mouth. 

New-Improved-Same-Old-Same-Old

J.E.B., treading political water like a three-legged poodle fallen off a cruise ship out at sea, is pulling out all the stops to save his campaign. He has suddenly come out with a new e-book - Reply All - which means he just couldn’t wait the time it would take for binding and printing and paying money for same. The Smart Bush has also brought in a top staffer from brother George’s barely-eked-out reelection** campaign to be his new chief operating officer. I guess we can expect a major swift-boating effort against Chrump and Carson any minute now. Too bad for J.E.B. that neither of these candidates ever had military experience to exploit like George’s campaign did to decorated veteran John Kerry. That is, unless you count Dr. Ben’s heroic episode at the Popeye’s organization - the details of which the poor doctor (take that any way you wish) simply cannot pin down. All of this is part of the new “improved” “Jeb Can Fix It” tour. Does he mean he can fix his pitiful campaign? Fix your last traffic ticket? Fix the country? Like he fixed Terri Schiavo? Fix it so America will never open its eyes ever again? Fix you J.E.B.

Meanwhile…

Current frontrunner and current-and-future-non-president Ben Carson is on a book tour and wants to assure us that because he’s not a politician he “doesn’t sit around and strategize.” Heaven forbid. I’m not a fan of politicians as a rule, but I think strategizing is okay to do, whatever your ambitions are. Maybe it’s just me. What I really want to know is: Are Ben Carson learning? Carson claims he was sabotaged by a rival who disclosed Ben’s ten-year long relationship with discredited snake oil company, Mannatech Inc. I mean come on, how could God’s own candidate resist anything with Manna in it? Mannatech settled a false advertising lawsuit in Texas for $7 million over claims its products cure autism and cancer and Carson has practically been a spokesmodel for them. But despite myriad facts to the contrary, he takes umbrage at the very notion, saying of those who would dare spread such verifiable evidence, “That’s a submarine that’s sent by them.” Mental Ben failed to mention whose fault it was that he lied through his teeth when questioned about it during the last debate. Maybe he was sleeptalking again.

Way back in 2014 Carson told an audience, “A large number of Americans, they go into that voting booth looking for a D, an R, or a name that looks familiar. The name could be Satan, they would say, ‘Ah yeah, I recognize that name.’ Sometimes it’s worse than Satan.” Couldn’t have said it better myself doc.

Q: How can you tell that Ben Carson is lying?
A: His eyes are open…or closed.

*not actually cheese, but a pasteurized process cheese food product (not to be confused with weapons of mass destruction related program activities)

**only considered re-election by those unwilling to accept that George W. Bush was not in fact elected in 2000, but was instead appointed by the Supreme Court after they stopped the recount in Florida (whose governor at the time was, strangely enough, John Ellis Bush). George W. Bush would be more accurately described as an appointment process president fool product.

I. Mangrey reporting. I'm the derider.

Debate Prep Poop

Happy Trails To You, Until We Vote Again

University of Colorado Boulder
October 28, 2015

I’m sorry to keep bothering you with all this as you are most likely trying your best to ignore all the pseudo-presidential-primary goings on, seeing as it is more than twelve months before the 2016 election. And you are wise to do so, but just in case you wish to eavesdrop just a bit more I give you this next installment of I. Mangrey @ Politics in anti-anticipation of tonight’s debate.

Don Cry For Me, Are You

Rapidly deflating Republican’t primary contestant and world-class hot air buffoon, Donald Chrump is approaching the Hindenburg phase of his trash-talking campaign. Chrump appears more and more exasperated as he watches arch rival Ben Carson overtake his cartoon campaign with a childlike simplicity and utter lack of awareness usually reserved for your Sarah Palins and Michelle Bachmanns and with all the effervescence excitement of a coma ward.

Chrump’s latest tweet has him (or the recently fired intern who Chrump accused of dissing Iowans in his name via Twitter) predicting “what I am sure will be a very unfair debate!” Apparently Chrump is concerned that other candidates will be permitted to speak.Chrump is hard at work trying to convince actual people that he is just like them. "It has not been easy for me," he said. "I started off in Brooklyn. My father gave me a small loan of a million dollars. I came into Manhattan, and I had to pay him back. And I had to pay him back with interest. But I came into Manhattan. I started buying up properties, and I did great." I assume Mr. Chrump is waxing psychotic about his pre-multiple-bankruptcy phase. Who among us cannot identify with Chrump’s ordeal – a strict father doling out no more than the bare minimum of millions – one. Imagine how you would feel if someone you looked up to had the gall to give you not ten, not three, but one measly little million of dollars.* Thankfully my father never tried to pull such a pathetic stunt with me. And that is the main reason we are still on speaking terms to this day.

NEW From the “mind” of Donald Chrump

If you think America is crippled now, and Chrump does,
just elect Chrump and crippled America will
quickly become the good old days
 

Chrump told an excited sociopathic audience, drooling on his every word, “They now have Super Duper PACs (Political Action Committees) and those PACs control the candidates. Carson is controlled by his PAC. Bush is controlled by his PAC. Rubio is controlled by his PAC. I am not controlled by any PAC. I am controlled only by my PECKER (Pathetically Excessive Creep Kicks Every Rival). And yes it’s a Super PECKER as you might imagine. It’s clearly not my brain doing all this. I do whatever my PECKER tells me to do.

*This, strangely enough, does not include several other millions of dollars Daddy Chrump bestowed upon his Little Donnie. Some of these millions, even strangelier enough, came in the form of an illegal loan. Apparently the fart doesn’t fall far from the tree. None of this actually seems strange once you realize that every word that escapes from Chrump’s front hole is a lie. And he is not really a politician, so there is simply no excuse.

Mental Ben

Since Ben Carson is retired from performing brain surgery (Whew!) and is no longer pointing out more lucrative targets to ill-meaning gunmen in Popeye’s organizations, he seems to have only two speeds – Hitler and Slavery. Just about everything Carson dislikes can somehow be likened to slavery (Obamacare, abortion) or Hitler (sane gun laws, politically correct language in America). "I mean, [our society is] very much like Nazi Germany,” said Carson in 2014. He recently told a New Hampshire crowd, “You know I think back to Nazi Germany — and I know the politically correct police say you are not allowed to say Nazi Germany but I am going to say it anyway because I don’t care what they say,”. "And some people say 'Oh nothing like that could happen in America.' I beg to differ." I don’t know who exactly Carson believes the politically correct police are or just what laws he imagines they have been enforcing, but I don’t know anyone who says you are not allowed to say Nazi Germany. There’s the rub. Ben’s imagination, such as it is, is simply limited to saying things that make him appear to be Hitler...I mean less than intelligent.

Why can’t the good doctor be more like convicted felon and ex-House Majority Leader Tom Delay (is that a great name for a Republican’t congressman or what!?) who merely wants to impeach Obama if he implements an executive order that would compel high-volume gun dealers to perform background checks on buyers. See, is that so difficult? Even the old Hammer didn’t have to bring up Hitler on this one.
 

Ben knows as much about politics, economics, foreign policy, religion, the environment, women’s health, Hitler, slavery, history, government, the Second Amendment, the rest of the Constitution as I know about separating conjoined twins. And I have no doubt he would make as good a president as I would a neurosurgeon. So it is with this in mind that I ask you for your vote, next November. Yes, I am officially announcing my candidacy for America’s most amazing brain surgeon. My Super PAC (Perpetual Aggravation Committee), IMangrey@Politics 2016 will be accepting large donations of any size in the very near future. And not just from my father. Remember, if you are conjoined twins you are not permitted to donate twice as much, at least not until you have been surgically separated.

I. Mangrey reporting. You reader retorting.

One September Eleventh Too Many

Bushghazi

October 24, 2015

I know the old expression. It’s no use beating a dead bush. But a bird in the hand is worth two in the horse. I think George W. Bush said that. You know he at least thought it. Either way, it’s hard to ignore the chance to pile on George’s (not) surprisingly incompetent brother as he staggers toward the 2016 nomination.

The latest Bush called the Benghazi incident, “a stunning example of incompetence.” And he knows a thing or three about incompetence – it’s in his genes after all. September 11, 2012 is a date this Bush wants to etch into America’s memory…in the hope of erasing much of our memory of September 11, 2001. You know, the part where his brother (who by most accounts was considered presidentimmediately before, during and after the 9/11 attack)went a napping, and preferring tax cuts for the rich to protecting America from terror attacks on home soil, wasted no time taking the month of August 2001 off. He had after all, been acting as president for seven months by then.

Trump recently shocked everyone named Bush when he said. “When you talk about George Bush, I mean, say what you want, the World Trade Center came down during his time. He was president, O.K.?” Not sure why this seemed so shocking other than the absolute aversion to anything factual perpetually displayed by Republican’ts. 

J.E.B. providing evidence that he is the smart Bush

Fux News’ Megan Kelly asked J.E.B. whether it’s a double standard to shut down questions about President George W. Bush’s handling of the Sept. 11, 2001 terror attacks while saying Clinton bears responsibility for the 2012 Benghazi attacks that claimed four American lives. “Not at all because if someone had evidence that there was a pending attack, there was – a lot of investigations after 9/11, if there was tangible evidence that there was an attack that was pending and no one acted, of course there would have been criticism, but that’s not the case,” responded Bush. J.E.B. and all Republican’ts prefer to blame Bill Clinton for 9/11 – and anything else that happened before Obama became president. Clinton warned Bush about bin Laden on his way out. Everyone warned Bush once he was appointed president after having lost the 2000 election to Al Gore. Al Queda was coming to America to wreak havoc. Bush went on vacation, getting an early start on his record-breaking down time, and ignored his own intelligence – well not his own intelligence of course, but the intelligence briefings he received from those with actual intelligence.

Trying desperately to rehabilitate his big brother’s legacy, J.E.B. told Kelly, “There’s a saying in Libya; I know it’s in Florida, I think it’s in Libya: Fool me once, shame on…shame on you……fool me, won’t get fooled again.” Clearly choosing his brother’s reputation over his own presidential bid, J.E.B. reportedly had to lay off a bunch of campaign staff. I can hear it now, “You don’t have to let me go sir, I’m happy to quit.”

Ben Crazhi

For many Republican’t voters a man’s Christianity is much more important than his sanity. Take Ben Carson. Please. Carson has repeatedly said that God told him to run for president. God now has him leading Chrump in Iowa presumably because he displays more down-home Christian values.



Iowans particularly like the fact that Uncle Ben claimed Obamacare was the worst thing since slavery. They also agree with Bedtime Ben that Hitler (Ben’s favorite subject) prevailed because he implemented gun control – Just. Like. Obama. Iowa’s likely GOP caucus attendees are impressed that Ben the Bigot doesn’t believe a Muslim should ever be president and they think the fact that he has no foreign policy experience is a good thing. Because who wants a president that understands what goes on in the rest of the world?

Carson demonstrates how he will deal with foreign policy issues

Ben has shifted from presidential campaign to book tour in support of his new book, A More Perfect Union: What We the People Can Do to Reclaim Our Constitutional Liberties, which is purported to be about the Constitution – something Dr. Carson knows a thing or two (but definitely not three) about. He knows there is something called the Constitution and that our founding fathers defeated Hitler. Chrump, for his part, has never claimed to know anything about the Constitution, but he does know that he doesn’t believe polls that don’t say what he wants to hear.

I. Mangrey reporting.

Is That A Gun In Your Hand, Or Are You Just Mad To See Me?

A Bullet Is Worth A Thousand (S)Words (Or Lives)

Never Never Land
October 9, 2015

Since we cannot seem to have a multiple-digit-IQ type dialogue about gun laws, maybe it’s time to change the conversation. I just can’t take any more of the grunting and shooting coming from the Guns Über Alles crowd. Almost 20 years ago Republicants, insisting that gun play had nothing to do with public health, saw to it that government-funded research on gun violence was ended. Now why didn’t I think of that? Don’t you miss the days when Congress was able to get things done?

Republican’t expert witness testifying before Congress (and naptime)

It’s like all that climate change nonsense. Who wants to waste valuable time on something that happens so slowly and is, according to a number of very loud people, actually a hoax? I sure don’t. So what if Exxonknew by the late 1970s that the Earth’s climate was being seriously compromised, and would continue to be compromised, by fossil fuel consumption? Come on, their middle name is fossil fuel consumption - well actually, their middle name is XX, but that’s a little scary and/or vaguely pornographic. Don’t be such a baby. And so what if in the 1980s they analyzed their data and decided their next move was financing an aggressive climate change denial effort? What would you do if you were Exxon? Admit that your entire raison d’être was killing the planet and anyone who happened to be living on it? That’s crazy talk. That’s no way for a responsible corporation-person to behave. Grow up already. Solutions are messy and require inordinate amounts of effort - unless you are investigating something that is actually nothing, like Benghazi. It’s much easier to round up loud stupid people to convince people that if they can’t see it right in front of them it doesn’t exist.

Get A Clue

Clearly America is unready and unwilling to make guns more difficult to obtain – more difficult say than adopting a dog or cat, or becoming a massage therapist or breastfeeding in public. Every day time there is a mass shooting the gun worshippers simply turn the other glock, cry out for more guns and blame everything on the mentally ill. Guns don’t kill people, mentally ill people kill people. Some might say that pretty much anyone who kills someone else, especially for no immediately recognizable reason, is mentally unwell. I am not including in this category the 11 year old who fatally shot his 8 year old neighbor because she wouldn’t let him pet her dog in White Pine, Tennessee this week. He’s just a kid; I’m sure he has excellent role models at home.

And what do you get?

The thing is, most mentally disturbed individuals never kill anyone, whether with a revolver, a dagger, a candlestick, a rope, a lead pipe, a sixteen ton weight or a pointed stick or whatever. So the one thing that remains constant in all gun related murders is...all together now – GUNS. Or maybe you prefer to blame the bullets. Chris Rock talked about making bullets cost $5000 each so people would think twice about using them so frivolously. This of course assumes that there is thought involved. But bullets don’t kill people either, it’s all that senseless bleeding. If people just had the presence of mind not to bleed so much after standing in front of a moving bullet, there wouldn’t be any problem at all. You’re welcome.

Open-carry Jesus

It seems increasingly unavoidable that America will go for anything other than, not just concealed-carry or open-carry, but mandatory-carry. I get the feeling that if anyone tries to take one single gun away from any of these güüns the rest of them will cry “Tyranny” and start shooting up the place. In the New America, anyone who insists on walking around without a firearm will be required by law to be removed from the gene pool. Problem solved.

                          Dr. Ben revving up the crowd at the second debate

And apparently Republican’t candidate and neurologically challenged narcoleptic ex-neurosurgeon, Ben Carson contributed the following to the dialogue while discussing the most recent (as of this moment*) mass shooting, in Oregon, “Not only would I probably not cooperate with him, I would not just stand there and let him shoot me. I would say ‘Hey, guys, everybody attack him! He may shoot me but he can't get us all.’” Then Ben had a good laugh. Yeah, you tell ‘em Ben. You’ve got it all figured out - not like it’s brain surgery or anything. I hope this brain-dead ex-brain surgeon gets a chance to show off his technique soon. Hopefully, he’s not one of those goofy bleeders.

I. Mangrey reporting. Shoot ‘em if you’ve got ‘em.

UPDATE: I spoke too soon. Another shooting in Arizona before I could get this to press.

Bush Craters, Ben Dozes, Bill Kills

A Case of Cheap Campaign

Everywhere and Nowhere
October 3, 2015

Bush Happens: Don’t Forget To Wipe Your Feet

A mass shooting is defined as an incident involving the killing and/or wounding of four or more people. Over the first 274 days of 2015 there were 294 mass shootings in America. This is almost certainly a consequence of the obvious backwards evolution of the human species known as Global Harming or Global Primate Change.

I have hate to keep bringing this up, but J.E.B. The Smart Bush seems bound and determined to eclipse his big brother’s catastrophic battle with words. In response to the daily mass shooting, this time in Oregon, J.E.B. made the mistake of opening his talking hole after Obama reminded everyone that mass shootings were a bad thing and maybe we should do something about it. J.E.B.’s response? “Look, stuff happens. There’s always a crisis. And the impulse is always to do something and it’s not always the right thing to do.” Yeah like opening your mouth. It must be difficult to speak with all those feet in there.

Did I just hear almost everyone say, “9/11 anyone?” J.E.B., I bet that if some of that stuff happened to just one member of your family, you would turn right around and invade (insert name of random country here). And then just to be on the safe side you would cut taxes on the wealthiest Americans. Stuff happens? That’s exactly what then-Secretary of Death and Destruction Donald Rumsfeld said about the chaotic immediate aftermath of his dream-come-true “liberation of Baghdad” in response to stuff happening here on 9/11.

Now I get why you don’t go for all that Black Lives Matter nonsense J.E.B.; not even white lives matter to you. Clearly the only things you value are the last little bit of the Second Amendment and tax cuts for the rich. GFY! To be fair, after this latest mass murder, every single one of your fellow Republican’t candy-dolts came out clearly in favor of more guns. Imagine if after 9/11, the United States went and destabilized the entire region whence the attackers came while simultaneously arming our enemies. Oh wait, that’s exactly what we did thanks to your big brother and Cheney. Never mind.

Bed Carson

Have you ever tried to watch Ben Carson speak? Does he make you sleepy? He can’t even keep his own eyes open when he’s talking. Of course, if you were saying the things he says, I guess your best bet would be to make people think you were talking in your sleep.

 

Only one of these things is not like all the others

Advertisement

Don’t forget to miss out on the latest in Bill O’Reilly’s inspiring and uplifting “Killing” series – Killing Reagan. This promises to be as enjoyable and worthwhile as having a wart installed.

I. Mangrey reporting. I know not what course others may take; but as for me, give me Bernie or give me death!

Don't Mess With-Consin

Walker, Wisconsin Deranger

September 22, 2015

How can God be so fickle? Poor Scott Walker. While announcing his candidacy Walker told us that “running was God’s calling…I am certain: This is God’s plan for me…” Well, God and the Koch brothers – who actually have more money than God. A few short months (though it seems like years) later, it appears that God has told Walker to stop running. During his farewell mumblings Walker told the audience (I assume there was an audience), “The Bible is full of stories about people who were called to be leaders in unusual ways. Today, I believe that I am being called to lead by helping to clear the field...” World’s Greatest Quitter, Sarah Palin must be very proud.

Dead-eye, Deader-between-the-ears, Scott Walker

The Chrump said now that Walker has left the race he feels sorry for him. In a grand gesture, Chrump has offered to purchase all twelve of Walkers supporters. “It’s not like I’m buying votes,” said the reality-TV star/faux presidential candidate, “I’m offering to buy people. That’s not the same thing. Yeah, I know, some people would say that sounds even worse, but I’m not one of those people and none of Scott’s followers is black. And I’m not a Muslim, like some people say certain people living in the White House are. I’m just your average Joe-$10 billion pack. Yes, I know some people say I don’t have $10 billion, but those people are lost in the facts and figures. My hair tells me that I have $10 billion, so that’s what you need to believe. Nobody does money better than I do. I now have all of Scott Walker’s people and both of Rick Perry’s. I can’t be stopped. I will do great things, even better than tearing up critical, pristine Scottish coastline to build a golf course and bullying old people and another place to put my name in giant letters. I’m doing great in the polls. The Blacks and Latinos love me. The ladies love me. The Jews love me. I love my daughter, and not just like a dad. The Obama’s love me; I don’t care where he was born, he’s a nice guy for a Muslim – as some say he is. Jeb Bush is uglier than Carly Fiorina – who I said was beautiful so I wouldn’t look like such a jerk after I called her ugly – and he can kiss my ass.”

I’ll leave the rest to your imagination.

In Other News…

of the morbidly stupid, J.E.B. (The Smart Bush) who is married to a Mexican, when asked if he was in favor of refugees and immigrants integrating into U.S. society and if he would help "empower them to become Americans," responded, "We should not have a multicultural society." As usual, Bush claims he was misunderstood and was not using ‘multiculturalism’ the way everyone else uses the word. I guess he’s just too smart for the rest of us.

And Finally…

In honor of the start of Yom Kippur, the holiest day on the Jewish calendar, Sen. Marco Rubio held a fundraiser at the Dallas-area mansion of real estate magnate Harlan Crow. I don’t believe Mr. Crow, whose eclectic art collection includes two of Hitler’s paintings, a signed copy of Mein Kampf (Come on, who doesn’t have one of those?) and some place settings Hitler once used, is Jewish. Some people, even some in Rubio’s home state of Florida, found this upsetting. I’m not sure why.

I. Mangrey reporting. Chrump that.

Little Ado About Even Less

Oh Ye Of Little Brains

Almost in the fetal position
September 17, 2015

I can’t tell you how much I enjoyed the second Republican’t debate because I know of no word or words to express an amount so staggeringly insignificant. These poor little children can’t do anything without being in the shadow of Ronnie Reagan’s mythical bosom, standing right in front of Reagan’s Air Force One at the Reagan Library. Forget the fact that none of the modern-day Republican’ts would give the actual Reagan the time of day because by their standards, St. Ronnie would be nowhere near enough to the right of Bernie Sanders. They would pound the real Reagan mercilessly for repeatedly raising taxes, bloating the federal government, cuddling up to Iran, running scared out of Lebanon and let’s not forget his heretical attack on Second Amendment rights as governor of California. Though, to be fair, this was in response to black men exercising those oh-so-special rights, and nobody knows that better than today’s Republican’ts.

Mike Huckabee, who continues to talk like a late-stage syphilitic, reminded us that none of the racist-homophobes-who-despise-poor-people-and-social-programs on the Reagan Library stage were socialists. Like you-know-who. As you know, a socialist is someone who believes the nation’s wealth should be used to assure life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness for all Americans, while Huckabee believes the nation’s wealth should be used strictly to enrich the wealthiest Americans while average citizens should be able to use their own bootstraps to stay afloat. Socialists believe that people should all have equal rights with no interference from any particular special interest group or religion while Huckabee believes his religion trumps any law Reverend Mike doesn’t like. Clearly he’s not a socialist…or an American.

These folks keep muttering about finding America again or getting their country back. Where the hell do they think they’re living? Latvia? Human Ambien prescription, Ben Carson thinks Obamacare is worse than slavery. The Chrump says America sucks and he will make it great again by doing great stuff. Ted Cruz wishes he was back in Cubanada or something. Carly Fiorina thinks Planned Parenthood is Jeffrey Dahmer or Adolf Hitler or Hannibal Lecter.

J.E.B. moaned that, “The next president of the United States is gonna have to fix an extraordinarily difficult situation.” Does this guy have the memory of a guppy? Has he ever met his older brother? Was he anywhere near America in 2008 when Obama took office? Was J.E.B. in fact born yesterday? The smart Bush added, “As it relates to my brother, there’s one thing I know for sure – he kept us safe. I don't know if you remember (delusional applause), do you remember the rubble?”  Yes, about that rubble. I don't suppose you recall how that rubble came to be in that particular place, and under your brother's feet at the moment you so selfishly invoke? Heckuva job Bushie. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

The Chrump went after little Rand Paul before even taking a breath. At one point The Classless One grumped, “I never attacked him or his looks, and believe me, there’s plenty of subject matter right there.” Well, if he hadn’t attacked Paul’s looks before (he did), he managed to do so while bragging (lying) that he hadn’t. Chrump has the same relationship with the truth as Dick Cheney.

Proto/Future Trump?

It’s entirely possible that Chrump’s head originally escaped from the Star Trek set and the Trebbles are the science fiction version of a planet inhabited by the progeny of whatever is living on Chrump’s head. This is what a post-Chrump world will look like.

Either way there is an antidote right under our noses:

Bernie live-tweets 2nd debate



I. Mangrey reporting. My brain hurts.

UPDATE: Happy Anniversary, Occupy!