As the horror sank in and I
was able to drag myself out of bed, after dashing off a couple quick posts, I decided
I couldn’t take it anymore. I shut the garage, got in my car, and started it
up. I lay back and waited for the sweet relief of carbon monoxide. After a half
hour or so it dawned on me that I have a fucking electric vehicle, dashing my otherwise beautiful and flawless plan.
Rent-A-Coma it is.
So, I resigned myself to
continue living, as I hope you have. But another thing occurs to me. This could
be the best day of the rest of our lives. Oops, did I type that out loud?
So, I want you to get up
now. I want all of you to get up out of your chairs. I want you to get up right
now and go to the window. Open it, and stick your head out, and yell: ‘I’m as
mad as hell, and I’m completely fucked beyond all imagination or hope!’
Wake me after the
asteroid hits. On second thought, where the hell did I put my ENDITOL?
I suddenly understand the
appeal of authoritarianism. Because right now I feel like Joe Biden should step
down, leaving Kamala Harris as president. President Harris should then expand
the Supreme Court by executive order*, declare martial law* and have Trump locked up for committing treason* by colluding with Russia…again.
And when Trump’s minions
begin their long-lusted-after uncivil war, President Harris can deal with the
new insurrection just as Trump promised he would deal with “the enemy from within,”
and I quote, “and it should be very easily handled by, if necessary, by
National Guard, or if really necessary, by the military, because they can’t let
that happen.”
What’s good for what
countless generals and intelligence experts labelled the “greatest threat to America”
is good for a patriot protecting America from that “enemy from within.”
_____________________________________________________ *Can she do that? Well, thanks to the new improved presidential immunity
edict, when you’re a president they let you do it. You can do anything. Grab the
pussy by the balls.
The final day of voting is upon us. One citizen – who should
not have been able to vote due to being a convicted
felon who has yet to serve
any time – was seen exiting the voting booth in southern Florida. Given his
history, one imagines he found a way to cheat. Here he is with his immigrant
Stepford Wife
Just settling in to glue my face to the TV as the returns
trickle in. As of now, the race is too stupid to call. And we don’t want a
premature Electoral College.
It's always good to start off with
a little pizza to calm the nerves
Polls where I am close in less than an hour. As of now,
Harris is the projected winner in Vermont. And, as Vermont goes, so goes the District of Columbia. Trump has taken Indiana – the home state of the
no-thanks-to-Trump-still-alive Mike Pence. Harris is crushing Trump in South
Carolina 194 to 78. The game is afoot.
And then some snacks as the evening
progresses…or disintegrates
We started an office pool for when Little Donny Douchebag
will declare victory. The early pick is 8:30 Eastern, the latest is 11:15. Only
T. Doff thinks Trump will drop the N-word while doing so.
We were considering a pool for when Trump will concede, but
everyone picked the same thing – when hell and/or Mor-on Lago freezes over. The
closest we think he will get will be claiming he has “concepts of a concession
speech.”
I. Mangrey reporting. Stay tuned.And keep your ENDITOL
handy.
So, here we are at long last. Will it last long? When will we know whether or not the Great Experiment has burst into flames and burned down the house? I am on my
way out the door to go and cast my vote to continue life on Earth for humanity.
I’m not kidding around here, this is not hyperbole.
We live in uncertain and highly toxic times. There is a
non-zero chance that things could go very, very wrong very soon. Possibly by the end of
the day today. And possibly wronger than we have ever seen.
Dementia-addled fascist Don Trump, who several decorated
generals – who worked for the only sociopathic anti-American president in this
nation’s history – have warned is in fact “fascist to the core” appears to be
in a dead heat with a highly qualified, pro-democracy opponent. With democracy
and sanity on the line, everyone you know is in a tizzy. Many are wondering which
country they should relocate to.
America is at a crossroads. More accurately, America is tied
to the railroad tracks with the Trump-train barreling down at breakneck speed.
Did the 2024 election fuck your buzz all to hell? Are you
worried that America will become the Ted Cruz of nations? Do you have a
headache that goes all the way to your toes? Are you scared to be you in
America anymore? Are you worried you won’t be able to position your right arm
at the required angle?
I am not a convicted felon, and I will not vote for one, despite his being a person of off-color. We may
find ourselves in dire straights, with no good options. You might be searching
for a way to cope with something you never imagined you would see in your
lifetime. Maybe you will reach for your last pack ofRent-a-Coma
But whenRent-a-Coma
just won’t cut it, the folks here at Paying Attention™ are here for you with a
brand-new must-have product, just for these trying times…
On November 6th* ask
your doctor if the afterlife is right for you. Ask for ENDITOL by name.
Take two (or ten, or whatever) and
forget about the mo(u)rning
It’s always good to be prepared.
_________________________________________
*Or whenever the final Unpopular Vote/Electoral College tally is called…maybe
January 6, 2025.
Okay, one more thing I have to get off my chest before I attempt
to get the last night of sleep I’m likely to get for several days.
“The day that I left,
I shouldn’t have left. I mean, honestly, because we did so, we did so well.” Convicted Felon Trump, November
3, 2024
Yes, he did well, much better than should have ever been
possible, but funny thing – he didn’t do nearly as well as Joe Biden, who
happened to be the one guy he had to do better than.
And hot off his ode to Arnold Palmer’s penis, Daffy Don also
decided to treat his low IQ, deplorable, garbage (yeah, that’s right, I said
it) rallygoers in Milwaukee with a very beautiful, very strong and powerful pantomime
of a blow job on his failed, some say flaccid microphone. It seems all his
douchey dancing to the Village People’s iconic YMCA has opened Donny’s
eyes and mouth to a whole new world. Good for him. At least he’ll have a
fulfilling new hobby in his retirement. In all fairness, he looks pretty good
at it. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
But, there is unquestionably, and massively, something,
actually everything, wrong with him.
DJ BJ
Donny Does Mic
It is also important to note that law enforcement across the
country is preparing to protect America from Trump and his
supporters/cult/militia freaks after Trump goes down in electoral flames.
Because, as we are contending that Trump said
It’s my way or the death ray. All the voices in my head are
telling me I’m so far ahead in the polls, with the biggest rallies where no one ever leaves and I make them wait for hours, there’s no way I can lose. And I will be perfectly
within my rights as a psychotic narcissist to incite my poorly educated – I
love the poorly educated – white people to commit unspeakable crimes in my name
in order to get me into the White House and out of jail, where I clearly
belong. Everybody knows this and many people are saying it.
In a stunning
bombshell, on the eve of the most frightening and consequential election in our
lifetime, the results of the 2024 presidential election are no longer in doubt.
After months of undercover work, risking life and lunch by spending far too
much time in direct contact with convicted felon and rapidly deteriorating
elder snakesman DarnOld Trump, our Peabody-knowing reporter Allison Wunderland
has made a shocking discovery.
Obviously, we cannot
disclose the means by which Wunderland literally uncovered this
It turns out that
when the geological deposits of orange dye, spray tan, pancake and several
hardened layers of Sherwin Williams Rhumba Orange latex are peeled away,
something unexpected though widely applauded is exposed…
It turns out that
the worst, most anti-democracy, most criminal – in and out of office –
president, who refused to leave office after losing his re-election bid and
insisted on running again will not be returning to finish the job of ending
democracy in America. Why? Because he has an expiration date. Which just
happens to be tomorrow – November 5, 2024.
Houston
(Lansing, Madison, Harrisburg, Columbus, Carson City, Raleigh, Atlanta, Phoenix),
We Have A Problem
How the hell is this election even close to
being close? And what's going on with Trump's makeup? Is that blackface or dickface?
As part of his closing argument, Trumptook a swipe at sea birds he
says are destroying windmills. He is deteriorating rapidly, no longer knowing
what he’s for or against. Like how much he hates windmills. Speaking from his
new campaign bus/garbage truck, Trumptold no one in particular
WE WILL LEAVE NO TERN UNSTONED!
This has been your Paying Attention™ Thought For The Day.
