Predictions, Prophecies, Prognostications, Projections and
Piffle
December 31, 2019
Get Ready For The Newest Year Ever
Well, here it is. The final installment of what to expect in
2020. With any luck, this will not be
the last year we get to see. There’s no
way to know for sure. Chrump will keep
us guessing, gnashing our teeth, fighting to keep food down, losing sleep and
fighting with all we have to keep America from being Chrumped again.
Ed Venture
Unmanageable Editor
Unmanageable Editor
July 22, 2020
Choosing Sides
In an unprecedented move, the entire LGBTQ community begs Lindsey Graham
to return to the closet. Long-time
activist Dan Savage stood on the steps of the Capitol to read a statement.
Dan Savage sticks it to Lindsey
Graham
“I hate to say this – I never thought this was possible – but we
believe that in this particular case being gay was a choice – and certainly not
ours. We implore Mr. Graham to
reconsider. After all, anyone who was so
ceaselessly mocked and utterly humiliated by Donald Chrump, and who called Chrump
a “race-baiting bigot” and a “kook” adding, “I think he's crazy. I think he's
unfit for office," and then turns around and says, “What concerns me about
the American press is this endless, endless attempt to label the guy as some
kind of kook not fit to be president,” can surely change his mind about his
sexual orientation. Besides Lindsey,
you’re not kidding anyone – there’s no way you’re getting any from anyone
regardless of sexual preference. Most importantly, nuzzling Donald Chrump’s balls to keep your job does
not make you gay, just pathetic. Please,
go back into the closet. And stay
there. You are making all of us
uncomfortable.”
August 6, 2020
Chrump Determined To Strike in US
The Presidential Daily Briefing (PDB), which has not been delivered to
the now-impeached-president since Donald Chrump proved himself incapable of
understanding or keeping secret vital national security information. Chrump gave up vital secrets directly to
Russians in the Oval Office just months after being inaugurated.
Today’s PDB, 19 years to the day after the infamous warning to George
W. Bush of Osama bin Laden’s plan one month prior to the Saudi attack on
American soil, warned of another significant threat to America.
The American intelligence community decided to take their warning
directly to the American public – via Twitter.
They warned that the mentally unstable, soon-to-be-lame-duck,
impeached-president “could not be trusted, in fact never could be trusted to
safeguard our nation. Not only that, our
intelligence shows that in his current state of accelerating mental
deterioration, he is a credible threat to perpetrate an act of disruption
intended please Vladimir Putin and to inspire his base to rally behind an
attempt to initiate martial law and circumvent the November election. The assumption is that this is a back-up plan
in the event that the vigorous efforts to sabotage the coming election via
foreign operatives, particularly Russia, appear insufficient to disrupt the
will of the American people, who clearly desire new “leadership.” We are currently putting in place preventive
measures to ensure the safety of our nation. We are doing everything possible,
despite interference from the Senate majority leader, to ensure that there will
be, God willing, a smooth transition of power to the 46th president
of the United States. Also, to that end,
we have decided to pay homage to former head of the FBI James Comey and release
secret emails, extremely imperfect phone calls and previously unknown video
footage of Donald Chrump grabbing several women by the you-know-what.”
September 24, 2020
Food For Fraught
George W. Bush famously almost lost a life and death struggle with a
pretzel. Not to be outdone, Donald
Chrump was almost done in when he accidentally (according to reports) swallowed
his phone. It is possible that, in the
heat of another of his innumerable hissy fits, he mistook the phone for one of
the dozen Whoppers (the ones that go into his mouth, not the ones that come out
of it) he was wolfing down in between outbursts. Sources inside the White House, between spasms
of uncontrollable laughter, told reporters that Chrump was on the toilet –
between flush #12 and 13 – rage-tweeting about a viral video showing a
10-month-old uttering her first words.
Hey you, monkey breath, where the hell is my
phone?
Apparently, the mother’s phone camera had been accidentally left on
while mom was momentarily out of the room. “I just stepped away for a few
seconds and had no idea what had happened until later, when I noticed my phone
had been recording. When I hit play I
heard Jenny say, with a big grin on her face, ‘Chrump is a fucking moron and a
poopy head.’ These were literally her
first words. According to the source,
“Mr. Chrump was banging on his phone, screaming and wheezing so loudly and
vigorously that he somehow ended up inhaling the damn thing. Several of us – Mr. Chrump often insisted
that there were witnesses to prove he needed to flush at least a dozen times –
debated what, if anything, we should do.
I know this isn’t right, but some of us figured this would be an easy out,
you know, if we just let him sort it out by himself, but then we worried there
might be consequences since there are still a few people around here who want
him to keep making America great again. So we begrudgingly removed the phone and handed him some pretzels.”
November 2, 2020
Rejection Eve
Every single poll has the surprise ticket of Bernie Sanders, Elizabeth
Warren and Stacey Abrams running away with the popular vote and the Electoral
College. It was only a few months ago
that Sanders floated the idea of a Deputy Vice President. “My good friend
Elizabeth Warren and I simply refused to not only take corporate/big donor
money, but to not attack each other during the primary. We realized that our combined support needed
to be kept whole to defeat the pathological liar Chrump. Let’s face it, Elizabeth and I are not exactly spring chickens, so we
decided it would be good to assure all Americans that we had a back-up plan in the
person of a very young, very dedicated and wonderfully charismatic extra running mate. We couldn't think of anyone better than the-had-it-not-been-for-absolutely-shameless-cheating-by-her-opponent,
would-have-been-governor of Georgia Stacey Abrams. This way, should anything befall either
Elizabeth or myself while in office, America would know ahead of time who will
be next in line. Together, we can surely
defeat Putin’s puppet and realize our campaign slogan, “Bring America Back To
Its Senses.”
The Dreamocratic Ticket
November 3, 2020
Ejection Day
At 10:15 PM Eastern Time Impeached-president Donald Chrump
stood in front of cameras at his Mor-on Lago Resort, where he had been holed up
for several weeks. It was presumed,
based on his having lost most of the Eastern states, much of the Midwest, the
entire West Coast and Texas and Arizona, that he would make a concession
speech.
Very
stable genius gives fake victory screech
“This fake election will not take my great presidency away
from me. You cannot vote out a president
who is doing such a great job. So long
as there are Mexican criminals and rapists destroying this country, I will stay
on the job until I decide America is great again. I just had a perfect phone call with Vladimir
Putin and he said very strongly that I won.
Mr. Putin has never lied to me – unlike the fake news and all my
advisors – and told me he counted the votes and I got all of them.”
December 24, 2020
S’no
Joke:
The Whitest Thing About Christmas Is The People Killing The Planet
The Whitest Thing About Christmas Is The People Killing The Planet
Those dreaming of a white Christmas will have to either keep dreaming
or move to the actual North Pole. If
they choose the latter, they had better do it this year, since the Arctic will
soon be the new Florida. Florida of
course, will soon be the new Atlantis.
Maybe there’s some snow back beyond those sand
dunes?
The reason for the angst gripping much of the U.S. this holiday season
is what the anti-science crowd are calling “fake weather.” Temperatures in Washington, DC and most of
the Northeast Corridor are predicted to top 120 degrees on Christmas morning. Reports of Santa sightings say he appeared to
be sporting a thong and, rather than toys, was delivering bags of ice.
Climate refugees mingle with those dreaming of
a white Christmas
in a desperate attempt to escape the burning Earth
in a desperate attempt to escape the burning Earth
Also on this day, Americans are once again free to say Happy
Holidays. Impeached-president Chrump’s Executive
order 45536 stated, “No American citizen shall be permitted to say anything but
Merry Christmas to other Americans during the time between July 4 and December
30 of any given year. It is acceptable
to add Happy New Year, but only after insisting there be a Merry
Christmas. Anyone overheard saying Happy
Holidays will be immediately deported – even if they are white. Jews will not be permitted to speak or appear
in public between Thanksgiving and the day after Christmas. It’s for their own
protection.” The order was issued by
Chrump just one month earlier and today is ruled too absurd to even rule on by
several district courts. According on
one judge, “People are free to say whatever the fuck they want. No one, not even a president, not even an
idiotic impeached president, can tell people how to greet each other. Ever.
Even at Christmas. And besides, you cannot issue executive orders after losing an election. No matter what Putin says.”
______________________
You might have noticed that we did not predict Chrump on the
brink of declaring war on South Korea, Canada, Mexico or Congress. It was simply not possible to divine the date
that Chrump threatened to kiss Putin’s ass (Chrump later claimed he obviously
meant ‘kick’). the Great Depression-like crash of the Stock Market, the tanking
of the economy, and Chrump’s revamped, big beautiful marshmallow border wall. We felt it unnecessary to tackle the
low-hanging fruit.
Well, that’s it for Paying Attention in 2019 (unless
something super crazy happens in the next 24 hours), and all we know about what
to expect in 2020. For now, sit back and pour yourself a beverage; a nice hot cup
of tea, a martini, maybe something from the hemp family. However you roll, make sure you have your
Rent-a-Coma on hand, just in case. It’s flying off the shelves. And, you never
know when it might come in handy. Go out
and party like you mean it.
From Ed Venture, I.
Mangrey, T. Doff, Shay King, and everyone here at Paying Attention:
SPECIAL – MEMBERS ONLY BONUS
VIDEO
Stevie Wonder – You Haven't Done Nothin'
EXTRA-SECRET – MEMBERS ONLY DOUBLE-BONUS
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The People's Prison
