A Song for The Holiday Season

Impeachment (The Song)

December 16, 2019

The House Judiciary Committee has the Constitutional duty, as circumstances dictate, to vote whether or not to send articles of impeachment to the full House.  Yesterday the committee voted to send two articles of impeachment against washed up reality TV star and current part-time president Donald Chrump.  It is likely that the full House of Representatives will vote to impeach the motherfucker already, putting Chrump’s fate in the filthy hands of his co-conspirator and fellow Russophile Mitch McConnell.  McConnell has had his thumb on the scale all along by refusing to protect our elections from his benefactors in Russia who put considerable effort into aiding the Chrump campaign, in addition to Moscow Mitch’s other sweet deals with Putin’s pals. 

Orange haze all in my brain, lately things they don’t seem too sane

There is no shred of doubt that Moscow Mitch plans to pervert the impeachment trial in order to minimize the risk of any Republican’ts suddenly regaining consciousness and realizing what a dishonest, autocratic whack-job they have been enabling.  McConnell is also trying to avoid the chaotic media event Chrump craves.  Moscow Mitch had no shame in announcing on Fux News that he and his fellow Republican’ts are working dick in hand with the Chrump legal team to make sure there is no chance of justice breaking out in the Senate. 

Yeah, a fair………“trial” in the Senate. What a kidder.

McConnell told Sean Hannity’s viewers, “Everything I do during this, I’m coordinating with the White House counsel.  We’ll be working through this process, hopefully in a fairly short period of time, in total coordination with the White House counsel’s office and the people who are representing the president in the well of the Senate.”  We are still waiting for confirmation that McConnell is planning to let Chrump sit in on the trial so he can live-tweet the proceedings.

Lilly-Livered-Lapdog Lindsey Graham has made it clear that Republican’ts have no intention of calling any witnesses.  To be fair, this might be because every witness they have brought forth thus far has been somewhat less than helpful, probably because no one has either evidence or justification for the treasonous behavior of their Dear Leader.  Graham publicly proclaimed, “I’m not trying to pretend to be a fair juror here.”  Nonetheless, you would think there would be at least the pretense of a fair trial.  Fuggedaboudit.

A jury of Chrump’s peers – Mitch’s Bitches:
All fucked up and ready to go 

All of this is in stark contrast to the Senate Impeachment Oath that each senator will take (for more than half of them, fake) at the outset of Donald Chrump’s Happy-Day,  Super-Duper, Long-Overdue, God-Bless-America Fake Impeachment trial. The special oath states: “I solemnly swear…that in all things appertaining to the trial of the impeachment of [Donald J. Trump], now pending, I will do impartial justice according to the Constitution and laws: So help me God.”  Let me put this as delicately and appropriately as possible – Fuck you Moscow Mitch.

I am neither lawyer nor senator, but my understanding is that an impeachment trial pits the president/defendant – the impeachee – against the House of Representatives – the impeacher, with the full Senate acting as jury.  So, what we appear to have here is the jury colluding with the only-considered-innocent-because-he-won’t-be-found-guilty-despite-having-admitted-to-the-crime defendant. 

Ladies and gentlemen, Chrump may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot,
but don’t let that fool you, he really is an idiot.

In a desperate attempt to retain some semblance of sanity, and back away from the beckoning precipice of despair, we gamely offer another lighthearted Paying Attention song parody.  Get ready to sing along with anyone but Mitch.

From the upcoming musical West Wing Story:

Impeachment (sung to the tune of Maria, with apologies to Stephen Sondheim)

The most beautiful sound I ever heard

Impeachment, Impeachment, Impeachment, Impeachment

All the beautiful sounds of the world in a single word

Impeachment, Impeachment, Impeachment, Impeachment

Impeachment, Impeachment, Impeachment

We’re finally having Impeachment

And suddenly that word

Applied to such a turd

What glee

Impeachment!

My ears just love hearing Impeachment

It almost seems absurd

How wonderful a word

Can be!

Impeachment!

Say it loud and there's music playing

Say it soft and it's almost like praying*

Impeachment

I'll never stop saying Impeachment!

(And neither should you.  Not until the fat man screams.)

*other than for the purposes of this song, there is really no point in saying it softly

Early reviews for the upcoming musical West Wing Story are in…

“You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll lose your lunch, you’ll hate yourself in the morning.”
Rolling Stone

“Not since Hamilton has anything been so hysterically historical and so
historically hysterical.”
Yelp

“Don’t see West Wing Story if you’ve ever thought of suicide,
or ever plan to be around other people again”
Craig’s List

“Side effects include perpetual moroseness, cranio-rectal insertion, cheez whiz 
breath, enhanced interrogation, projectile apathy and many more.”
Doctors Without Berders

Randy Rainbow, if you’re listening, I hope you can make this idea a reality.  I think you will probably be rewarded mightily by our press.

Speaking of Randy Rainbow: