Sunday, December 20, 2020

Stolen Cusses

How Could Something Like This Happen?

December 19, 2020

Chrump continues to whine that “so many votes were stolen” in the 2020 election. He still insists that these “stolen” votes are the reason he lost to Joe Biden. Not because he is the worst president in history (and it truly pains me to say this because I was secure in the knowledge that George W. Bush – for so many reasons – was the worst, and would continue to be so for 100 years, but almost immediately had his record smashed to smithereens by Chrump). Not because he is responsible for the vast majority of the more than 310,000 (so far, with no sign of slowing down) COVID-19 fatalities. Or that all this death is causing millions of uninfected Americans to lose their jobs, or their businesses or fall into poverty. Is this not the greatest America ever?

Could it be because he was unable to trade Puerto Rico for Greenland? Because he still hasn’t shot anyone on Fifth Avenue? Is it because he never finished (or really ever started) his – to quote ex-Mexican President Vicente Fox – “fucking wall”? Or perhaps he hasn’t completely destroyed the environment yet?

Chrump voters: “No way he lost this fake election. 
We are very proud boys. We never lose.”

No way he lost because of his repeated tacit approval of racists and white nationalists and neo-Nazis or his contempt for Black Lives Matter, and for black lives for that matter. Couldn’t have been because he kidnapped thousands of innocent children and purposely made it difficult if not impossible for hundreds of these children to be reunited with their parents. Are you not entertained?

It could not have been because of the massive security “breach”, since we only found out about the latest cyber-attack in the past few days (not that any Chrump supporters would care that our enemies are attacking us on their beloved one’s “watch”). The New York Times described the “breach” as “among the greatest intelligence failures of modern times.” The greatest intelligence failure of course being Chrump himself. Russia began the attack some nine months ago, infiltrating a number private companies and government agencies, including, the National Nuclear Security Administration, which is responsible for maintaining America’s nuclear weapons stockpile…so nothing really important. Apparently, not as important as Chrump’s seditious attempts to overturn Biden’s victory, which has occupied the IMPEACHED Lame-duck Fake president’s guppy-like attention for the past six weeks. ‘Breach’ is in quotes because it is entirely possible that Chrump gave Putin permission to take whatever he wants, or perhaps Chrump had no choice but to do Putin’s bidding to avoid whatever blackmail is in play. The word ‘watch’ is in quotes because…well, you know damn well there is no watching going on other than Chrump and his mirror. Are you sick of all the winning yet?

No, it was none of these things. According to Chrump and millions of his brain-damaged faithful, including more than 200 members of the House of Representatives, and some undetermined number of senators, he lost because of stolen votes. More accurately, all of these sociopathic fascists continue – without a shred of actual evidence – to insist that Chrump in fact did not lose. He won. Well, guess what, our intrepid, albeit non-existent team of reporters has found these stolen votes. They are for sale on Ebay.

Cheat at half the price. Free shipping. Get your stolen votes today!

Greatly looking forward to not caring about this asshole, but this is still one of our favorites:


Cheeto Christ – Randy Rainbow

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*We now know for certain that it was Russia because after days of silence on the issue, Chrump is trying to blame China.

I. Mangrey reporting.

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