January 9, 2022
Our top team of
diligent reporters has solved one of the crucial mysteries of Turmp’s Keystone-Kop-Coup.
Exactly what was America’s first inciter-in-chief doing after unleashing his
horrendous horde on Mike Pence and the Congress, with the hope of overthrowing
the newly elected Biden government? The AWOL Asshole disappeared for three hours during which time
countless people begged him to call off his dystopian dogs. This will go down
in the annals of journalism as the biggest exposé since the missing 18 minutes in
Nixon’s Watergate Tapes.
This shocking video shows unquestionably that the disgraced, twice-impeached, two-time-loser-of-the-popular-vote, seditious, badly-dyed, deranged ex-president and failed blogger’s tragic dereliction of duty, disdainfully ignoring the hellish nightmare he perpetrated. We see the cowardly leader, who said he would go to the Capitol alongside his manic MAGA minions instead taking a joy ride around one of his failing resorts while the Capitol churned with the murder and mayhem he set in motion à la Charles Manson.
UPDATE:
This blog apologizes
for an inexcusable error. Apparently the driver in the video above was in fact an
orangutan named Rambo. While we strongly believe that you will agree this mistake
is completely understandable, we take full responsibility. And we would like to
extend our sincere apologies to you the reader, and to Rambo and orangutans
everywhere. Rambo clearly shows great intelligence and excellent eye/hand
coordination, in stark contrast to the goon we thought we were showing.
We will endeavor to
be more vigilant in the future.
This has been a Paying Attention™ Special Broken News report.
We now return you to your regularly scheduled
series of cocktails.
Sir, I know Rambo. I served with Rambo. Rambo is a friend of mine. And Turnip, sir, or whatever you want to call him, is no Rambo.
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