The Fickle Fifth Of Fate

January 27, 2022

"What you're seeing and what you're reading is not what's happening."
Donald J. Turmp

Between testifying before the House Jan 6 Select Committee and testifying in the case being brought by New York State Attorney General Letitia James, various Turmp assholes associates have invoked the Fifth Amendment, apparently worried about self-incrimination more than one thousand times thus far. And that is only the ones who dared even show up either when invited or subpoenaed. Several of these traitors are still fighting subpoenas before being forced to appear and presumably also hiding their sorry asses behind the fabulous, furry Fifth Amendment, which I believe provides the constitutional guarantee to keep and bear lies, high crimes and misdemeanors.

The Fifth Finger

Those with good memories and/or poor life choices may recall that Turmp himself has expressed some very strong and powerful opinions on the Amendment that is three down from the sacred Second. The disgraced, twice-impeached, two-time-popular-vote-losing, coup-plotting ex-president and failed blogger who is banned from Twitter once said, “You see the mob takes the Fifth. If you’re innocent, why are you taking the Fifth Amendment?” The (allegedly…not really) most guilty many in America also said, “When you have your staff taking the Fifth Amendment, taking the Fifth, so they’re not prosecuted…I think it’s disgraceful.”

Take Two Fifths And Call Me In The Morning

The NY AG’s office submitted a 160-page filing in court stating that investigators found “significant evidence” that The Trump Organization used “fraudulent or misleading” asset value numbers to get bigger loans or reduce taxes. Turmp money-man Allen Weisselberg expressed his undying affection for the Fifth Amendment 500 times in response to questions in the New York investigation. Eric Turmp also spent six hours pleading the Fifth 500 times in the same case. Both of these criminals know where the bodies are buried, but does Eric know where his brain is buried?

Right-wing conspiracy theorist, sociopath and seditious radio loudmouth Alex Jones desperately tried to not incriminate himself nearly 100 times during his interview with the Jan 6 Select Committee. John Eastman, one of Turmp’s very fine lawyers, who offered up a well-thought-out (so to speak) coup plan in writing to Dear Leader, serenaded the committee with 146 Fifth Amendment pleas during his dis-appearance.

Long-time Turmp confidante and proud sleazebag Roger Stone did not provide the number of times he took the Fifth, and claims that he – apparently for the first time in his life – did nothing wrong, but that he asserted the Fifth because he believes Democrats will conspire against him. Good one, Rog.

We are still waiting to hear nothing from Mike Flynn, Rudy Giuliani, Sydney Powell, Steve Bannon, Ivanka, and Donald Drunk, Jr. So much bullshit, so little time. I shudder at the very thought that I might agree with Don, Sr., but I do have to wonder how many innocent people have invoked the Fifth Amendment throughout the course of American history. If there actually are any, he will not be one of them.

Don and Donner

“Fifth Amendment. Fifth Amendment. Fifth Amendment. Horrible.”

Donald Turmp, the elder

When will Eric’s dad have a chance to, pardon the word – exercise – his Fifth A rights? Can you avoid incriminating yourself when everyone who doesn’t watch Fux News already heard the recording of your crime? How exactly does that work? And why the fuck do we have to wait so long for him to be forced to listen to and struggle to explain away another of his patented, impeachment-worthy “perfect phone calls” where he once again tried to play the “I would like you to do us a favor, though” card, in a desperate, demented and astoundingly illegal attempt to strong-arm the Georgia secretary of state to “find 11,780 votes” in order to overturn the repeatedly certified vote in that state? Many people – Donald Turmp, for example – are unaware that votes are not something you “find.”  They are something you count once they have been cast. By people commonly known as voters.

For the rest of us, ingesting the fifth might be the best option for the time being:

Meanwhile, Fucker Carlson cheerleads for Putin invading Ukraine, and disgraced former House Speaker Newt Gingrich suggested that “when you have a Republican Congress,” members of the Jan 6 Select Commission “face a real risk of jail” for exposing the truth of his party’s complicity in trying to overthrow the duly elected government they pretend to be part of. Or as Gingrich put it, “for the kind of laws they’re breaking.” Fascist much, Newt?

I. Mangrey testifying. I know what I saw and heard.