Keep His (Tiny) Hands Where You Can See 'Em
February 28, 2023
One of Trump's hundreds of defense attorneys Jennifer Little, (above) learning first hand that her client
wasn't kidding when he told Billy Bush, "And when you're a star, they let
you do it. You can do anything. Grab 'em by the pussy. You can do
anything."
Just thought you might like to know.
This has been your Paying Attention™ Fun Fact
For The Night.
Cloudy With A Chance Of Nuclear Winter
February 25, 2023
Vladimir
Putin claims to be a devout Christian. Putting aside Putin’s latest foray into
murder (genocide?) and mayhem, I'm not sure his delusion of being a good
Christian is compatible with him pulling out of the last remaining nuclear
weapons treaty with the U.S.
I
guess he's planning to turn the other nuke.
Either
that or he's merely doing God’s work in trying to hasten the Rapture.
In The
Name Of God, What?
Speaking
of “good Christians,” Alaska Ratpublican Rep. David Eastman from Wasilla –
Sarah Palin’s slumping grounds (Eastman is also a native of Orange County, CA,
Dick Nixon’s old stomping grounds) – felt the need to publicly humiliate
himself for no apparent reason
“In
the case where child abuse is fatal, obviously it’s not good for the child, but
it’s actually a benefit to society because there aren’t needs for government
services and whatnot over the whole course of the child’s life.”
Eastman
was asked to clarify
“Talking
dollars, it gets argued periodically that it’s actually a cost savings because
that child is not going to need any of those government services that they
might otherwise be entitled to receive.”
Yes,
this was clearly about dollars, and not sense.
For
the record, Eastman is a lifetime member of the seditious Oath Keepers. He is against
abortion in all forms and has called abortion the “ultimate form of child abuse.”
Unsurprisingly, Eastman is a die-hard Trump supporter who claims not to have
entered the Capitol on January 6, 2021, but was definitely present at the
insurrection.
This has been your Paying Attention™ Thought For
The Day.
What do you
think?
Too
Much Talk, And Too Much More Talk
February 23, 2023
Okay, I admit it. I watch
too much news. And the latest shiny object, or hot air balloon, if you prefer,
is Emily Kohrs the foreperson from the Fulton County, Georgia grand jury that
was deciding on indictments related to Donald “Frankly, we did win this
election” Trump’s attempts to steal the election he still says he won.
Everyone knows that
Trump (and others) pressured Georgia Attorney General Brad Raffensperger to
find him 11,780 votes, which Trump (and everyone else who tried to pressure the
AG) knew did not exist in the real world.
Kohrs, who should not
be talking to anyone about her time on the grand jury at this point in time, is
now showing up in more places than Herpes. She is doing interviews with anyone
who has a mouth, an inappropriate question (which Kohrs thankfully did not
answer) and a film crew.
While this is all
possibly very exciting, it is just plain wrong. And she is just plain goofy. Kohrs
admits to never having voted, and had no idea that Trump made that perfect
phone call to Raffensperger – perfect evidence of guilt, that is. She also
spoke glowingly of the very nice and forthcoming Lindsey Graham.
Best of all, she was
absolutely smitten with meeting Rudy Giuliani, who she said caused her to pause
in order to shake his hand and express her admiration, and who Kohrs found to
be extremely thoughtful and honest during his testimony. Full disclosure: I’m
betting Giuliani was one of the witnesses most jurors found to have committed
perjury.
Kohrs seems pleasant
and innocent enough, her choice of heroes notwithstanding, but she was wrong to
poke herself into the public eye before it was appropriate. Now too many
pundits are trying to read into Kohrs’ enigmatic utterances, cutesy nods and
winks. Personally, I am simply going to ignore every little hint, since when
she says “It is not going to be some giant plot twist. You probably have a fair
idea of what may be in there. I’m trying very hard to say that delicately.”
She also told one of the many interviewers, “I wanted to hear from the former president, but honestly I kind of wanted to subpoena the former president because I got to swear everybody in, and so I thought it would be really cool to get 60 seconds with president Trump, with me looking at him and being like do you solemnly swear…I kind of thought that would be an awesome moment.” So yeah, that happened. Did I mention that she could be the twin sister of the banjo boy from Deliverance? Did I?
I have no way of knowing how someone who clearly has so little contact with what is going on – someone who absolutely gushed over Rudy Fucking Giuliani, and was simply giddy over the idea of subpoenaing Trump for her own jollies – could think what is obvious, is anything like what I think is obvious.
I will not count my
indictments before they are hatched. Plus, an indictment is not a finding of
guilt.
I remain nauseously
optimistic.
This has been a Paying Attention™ Special Broken News report.
We now return you to your regularly scheduled
plot twists.
Dasvidumbass
February 22, 2023
The Pro-Russia caucus in the Ratpublican party jumped to Vladimir Putin’s defense as American President Joe Biden made a surprise visit to the active war zone that is the Ukraine capital Kyiv to show solidarity with Volodymyr Zelenskyy. Dark Brandon not only showed up in war-torn Ukraine, with air raid sirens blaring as he strolled through the streets alongside Zelenskyy, but Amtrak Joe took a fucking super-secret 10-hour train ride from Poland to get there.
Now
For The Fucked Up Bullshit…
Meanwhile,
one of the most high-profile, low-IQ knuckle-draggers in Congress – Marjorie
Taylor Greene, or Empty G, as she is unpopularly known – on no less than
Presidents Day (which should revert back to a celebration of Washington and
Lincoln’s birthdays now that the 45th man to hold that office has
tainted the presidency permanently), called for so-called red states to secede
from the Union:
“We
need a national divorce. We need to separate by red states and blue states and
shrink the federal government. Everyone I talk to says this. From the sick and
disgusting woke culture issues shoved down our throats to the Democrat’s [sic]
traitorous America Last policies, we are done.”
It
appears that Empty G has forgotten that she lives in and represents
constituents in the state of Georgia, which she presumably believes is a red
state. Now I’m not a member of Congress, but I am a member of the American electorate,
and unlike Empty G I am a member of the human race, and I remember that way
back in 2020 the state of Georgia voted for Joe Biden to become president. Georgia
also has two Democratic senators. Marge doesn’t even have two viable brain
cells to rub together.
Which
begs the question, apparently, what makes a state red? And what makes Empty G
open the hole in her face that allows air and stupid to escape the cavity
between her ears? Someone call the Gazpacho Police before it’s too late.
Empty
G – Killing America One IQ Point At A Time
If memory
serves, I seem to recall secession was tried once before. If I remember
correctly, it was over states’ whites or something like that. I think the whole
thing has since been removed from history books – at least in Florida and Texas
– because it triggered fragile white folks who want to cancel culture. Anyway, it would
probably be a bad idea to try it again, even if it would not be over slavery
this time.
Maybe
we should do a kind of dry run consisting of making sure that no money from
blue states ever ends up in the hands of red states for a few years just to see
how things might play out. I mean who could blame them for wanting to ditch the
blue states? Blue states can’t keep up when it comes to unwanted pregnancies,
per capita murders, poverty, lousy education and racism.
If
the red states even survive more than a few months without blue states propping
them up, then they can decide if they still want to go it alone. Or maybe
they’ll just want to get Empty G and her pals to STFU. They can go and start their
own country for stupid white people…somewhere.
Sorry, but this needed to be said. And I could
not stop myself from saying it.
This has been your Paying Attention™ Fucked
Up Bullshit For The Day.
February 21, 2023
Donald Trump’s lap
weasel and flatulence funnel Mike Pence is hard at work trying to dodge a
subpoena from Special Counsel Jack Smith (and yes Mr. Drumpf*, that is his real
name, and he is real serious about protecting America from the likes of you). Most
legal experts believe that serving Pence with a subpoena means he is getting
closer to indicting the big fat cheese puff. And Pence, being still owned by and
stupid-glued to Trump, is choosing to protect his master, judge, jury and
would-be executioner in order to keep us from learning the truth.
Which begs the question, why does Mike Pence hate America? Why does he continue to support the ongoing insurrection and bigly…I mean Big Lie? Why doesn’t Pence want to tell the truth about what he knows about Trump’s attempted coup? Remember? The coup where Trump encouraged his mush-brained mutant MAGAts to – what was that again? Oh yeah, now I remember – Hang Mike Pence! Hang Mike Pence! In case anyone wasn’t sure if they were serious, they chanted it over and over – it even displaced “Jews will not replace us!” for a while – and in order to be prepared, they constructed a gallows outside the Capitol, wherein they went hunting for the vice weasel (among others). Meanwhile, Mighty Mike was running for his life, soiling his britches and preparing to claim he was the hero of the day. Even if he was the hero of that day (spoiler alert: he was not), he is now a sniveling coward and a traitor to this nation, refusing to speak under oath to the American people via Special Counsel Jack Smith. Pence claims he is merely protecting the separation of powers and the office he once held (spoiler alert: he is not).
Does Pence really
believe he can run for president, or is he trying to stay on the ticket that
almost got him strung up?
Don & Mike – getting the scam back together again
Whatever his goal, Mike Pence will go down in American history as a footnote, a failure and as Trump called him for refusing to aid and abet Trump’s attempt to ignore the will of the people (and the Electoral College this time) while inciting a coup, “a pussy.”
Don and Mike in happier times
__________________________________________________
*
This has been a Paying Attention™ Special Broken News report.
We now return you to your regularly scheduled
bewilderment.
February 19, 2023
A Fifth Amendment By Any Other Name
The disgraced,
twice-impeached, failed insurrection leader and Fifth-Amendment-dependent
ex-one-term Forty Fifth president is
now the Four-Hundred-Fifth-Amendment ex-president. Donnie Dementia hid behind
the Fifth Amendment - without calling it by its name – nearly 450 times during
his hours-long deposition as he stands accused of fraud in the state of New
York.
Dementia Donnie refused to call it by its name nearly 450 times, fooling no one but himself. Is it possible he listens to himself and remembered all the times he had less than flattering things to say about people taking the Fifth? More likely, someone remembered for him and gave him a piece of paper to try to keep him from ad-libbing himself into a perjury trap. Or uttering the words “Fifth Amendment.”
Trump did let those truthful words slip out one time, when he said “Anyone in my position not taking the Fifth Amendment would be a fool, an absolute fool.” This while his lawyers could be heard whispering, “Read the statement. Read the statement.” For the record, one can invoke the Fifth Amendment many hundreds of times and still be a fool. And guilty.
We Hold His Lies To Be Self Evident
Less than two weeks before the 2016 election, the FBI was throwing baseless allegations about Hillary Clinton’s emails – for the umpteenth time. These allegations were made in no small part because FBI agent Charles McGonigal, who we now know was being paid by Russian oligarch Oleg Deripaska – Putin’s (and Trump ally Paul Manafort’s) buddy who was helping Trump defeat Clinton – helped force FBI Director James Comey to announce these new accusations which probably caused Clinton to lose the Electoral College. Some might call this coordination between Trump, individuals in the FBI and Russian nationals loyal to Putin collusion.
Here’s what candidate Trump said about Clinton’s staff during the
campaign while Clinton’s staff was dealing with these allegations:
“Her staffers
taking the Fifth Amendment, over and over.”
“You have your
staff taking the Fifth Amendment. The Fifth. So they’re not prosecuted…I think
it’s disgraceful.”
“Fifth Amendment,
Fifth Amendment, Fifth Amendment. Horrible. Horrible.”
“So, there are five people taking the Fifth Amendment. Like you see on the mob, right? You see the mob takes the Fifth. If you're innocent, why are you taking the Fifth Amendment?”
It almost sounds like Trump thinks anyone who takes the Fifth has
something to hide. Funny thing about the Fifth Amendment, while it cannot be
used to imply guilt in criminal proceedings, it can be used in civil court to
do just that. Juries in civil court are permitted to make “adverse inferences
against” a defendant who pleads the Fifth. This means that they are within
their rights to think things like:
“Fifth Amendment,
Fifth Amendment, Fifth Amendment. Horrible. Horrible.”
“…taking the Fifth Amendment. Like you see on the mob, right? You see the mob takes the Fifth. If you're innocent, why are you taking the Fifth Amendment?”
are indicative of guilt as they decide the disposition of the case.
Oopsie.
It is starting to look like Trump would be better off pivoting to a non compos mentis defense.
I. Mangrey invoking.
February 18, 2023
Speaking of pathetic
losers, on-again-off-again Trump sycophant, Nikki “Nothing” Haley has
officially thrown her empty head into the ring to become the Ratpublican
presidential nominee in 2024…or Trump’s running mate, depending on which way
the foul wind is blowing when the time comes.
Haley announced her
intention on Valentine’s Day as a love letter to herself, and a threat to
sanity and reality. She previously served as Trump’s ambassador to the United Nations
and his executive ass-kisser. If anyone doubts Haley’s single-mindedness, here
is what she said in April 2021:
“I would not run if President Trump ran, and
I would talk to him about it.”
For the record,
Trump announced his intention to run in 2024 in November 2022. That would be
three months before Haley’s announcement and nearly two years after the above
quote. Perhaps Nikki has a problem understanding the arrow of time. Perhaps she
is a gutless worm. Or just an average Ratpublican.
Colicky Nikki
Haley kicked off her
doomed-to-failure campaign tying herself to money-grubbing pastor and
professional fucknut John Hagee, who Haley tagged to deliver the
invocation/obituary at her kick-off event. Hagee, you may recall gained
notoriety with his provocative (i.e., disgusting, hateful and decidedly
un-Christian) comments about Jewish people, Catholics, Hitler, and LGBTQ+
people.
After Hagee left the
stage Haley reclaimed the microphone and said, “To Pastor Hagee, I still say I
want to be you when I grow up.” And when might that be?
The putrid polecat pastor
claimed the Holocaust was a divine plan from God, Hurricane Katrina was God’s
punishment for Pride parades in New Orleans, and women are “only meant to be
mothers and bear children.” While Hagee has let all of this stand, he did
ultimately apologize for calling the Catholic Church “the great whore.”
Most candidates wait
until at least the second day of their campaign to shoot themselves in the face
(also known as the Reverse Cheney). No one can figure out why the hell Tricky
Nikki is running and she most certainly wind up begging Trump to be his running
mate before long.
Nonetheless,
everyone is anxiously awaiting the childish, impotent, misogynistic senseless
yet successfully degrading nickname The Orange Stain will bestow upon the
ex-governor of the great secessionist state of South Carolina – Haley’s Vomit.
Icky Nikki
While running for
governor of South Carolina – the state that brought you the Civil War – in an
interview with the pro-Confederacy group Sons of Confederate Veterans – is that
pro-Confederate enough for ya? – Haley was asked directly whether states have
the right to secede. Her answer was “I think that they do, I mean, the
Constitution says that.”
Judges?
No, I’m afraid the
idiot from South Carolina is incorrect Alex. In fact, she could hardly be more
incorrect. Unless she decided to run for president in 2024. That would be
embarrassingly and grotesquely incorrect. What’s that? She what? Oh my,
how unfortunate. One might feel sorry for her if she wasn’t such a flaming
hypocritical beeotch.
This has been a Paying Attention™ Special Broken News report.
We now return you to your regularly scheduled
happy thoughts.
Oopsie Daisy...BANG!
February 17, 2023
A Brazilian pro-gun lawyer was shot by his own weapon while visiting a hospital when the powerful magnetic field from an MRI scanner caused the pistol to fire on its own.
Leandro
Mathias de Novaes had a concealed handgun while accompanying his mother for a
scan at the Laboratorio Cura in Sao Paulo in January.
Despite
warnings from staff to remove jewelry and metal objects in the MRI room, Mathias
kept his weapon on his waistband. Maybe he did not know that guns were made of
metal.
The
magnetic field from the machine was so strong that the weapon was pulled from
his waist and fired off a round, which hit him in his stomach. Surely this was
the Hand of God at work.
Darwin Wins Again
The
40-year-old Brazilian was treated in hospital for more than two weeks before he
died from his wounds. Apparently, God works in slow ways, or maybe she just
wanted de Novaes to think long and hard about what a fucking moron he had been.
Mathias de Novaes was known for posting pro-gun content to his 12,000 followers on TikTok.
A
spokesman for the Order of Attorneys of Brazil in Cotia, São Paulo, said: “It
is with deep regret that OAB Cotia communicates to all fellow lawyers the
unexpected loss of our dear friend and lawyer Dr. Leandro Mathias de Novaes.
A spokesperson for Paying Attention™ and reasonable people everywhere said, “It is with great schadenfreude and a side order of good riddance to bad rubbish that we bid a fond farewhatever to Mr. de Novaes. This is an ex-pinhead.”
How
the hell is, I mean was this guy not American?
Just thought you might like to know.
Now wasn’t that fun?
This has been your Paying Attention™ Fun Fact
For The Day.
February 15, 2022
Now that they’ve gotten rid of metal detectors, begun the critical task of allowing smoking in the Capitol, and made the House of Representatives officially stick their tongue out at socialism, Ratpublicans are finally ready to take the people’s business seriously.
Fortunately, they
are able to multi-task.
While working
diligently and relentlessly to crash the world economy by holding the Debt
Ceiling hostage – in exchange for fucking up Social Security, Medicare,
Medicaid, food stamps, free school lunches for needy children, and other cool
stuff like that – Ratpublicans have taken up the vital issue of forcing schools
to serve chocolate milk and other artificially flavored milk to children. You know, because sugar is so good for the
developing brain and body, and you know, kids don’t have enough access to good
quality sugar and artificial toxins if they can’t get it at school.
This has been a Paying Attention™ Special Broken News report.
We now return you to your regularly scheduled
naptime.
The Asshole At The End Of The Universe
February 13, 2023
Speaking
at a Storehouse Dallas Church women's conference, Boenhead prayed for Joe Biden’s
death: “May his days be few and another take his office.” The Christofascist
crowd cheered.
One
Bad Turn Deserves Another
Lauren
Boebert deserves to be in a better place. Surely this world is not meant for
her. Perhaps a nice farm upstate, where she can frolic in the snow...or maybe
some quicksand. When I think about what Jesus might do if he was face-to-face
with this blaspheming mongrel, I am reminded of a scene from Billy Jack:
And
while you’re at it, recall Nancy Pelosi’s immortal words while under siege during
the Donald Trump* Stop-The-Election Insurrection of January 6, 2021: “I’m gonna
punch him out, and I’m gonna go to jail and I’m gonna be happy.”
__________________________________________________
* who now, in the congressional
record has been labeled a “pussy ass bitch”
Freak
out…
I
mean, Peace Out.
This has been your Paying Attention™ Fraught
For The Day.
You're welcome.
What has you fraught
for the day?
Paying Attention™ - Not Just An Angry Face
February 12, 2023
For
those of you looking for something, anything to do other than watch large men risk
bodily injury while providing each other with grist for their brain injury
mills, we offer you oodles of fake fun for the whole family.
We are not just about incisive, hard-hitting, relentless coverage of freakish current events here at Paying Attention™. We have also tried to bring you high quality entertainment over the years.
It all
began with our non-selling classic Son of A Bunch – the semi-fictitious
biography of the man who was supposed to be the worst president in the history
of the United States. Unfortunately, that title was all-too-quickly usurped by
a joke-candidate, who went on to become a not-so-funny joke-president, who
almost ended democracy in America, despite plagiarizing Ronald Reagan’s Make-America-Great-Again
slogan and Orwellianizing it beyond anyone’s most horrifying nightmares.
This was followed by lighter output like I. Mangrey’s children’s books Goodnight Goon:
and Donald and The Very, Very Large Uh-Brain:
We have also brought you
discoveries like Orange Dregs and Scam by Dr. Sues:
And
the anonymously written Bill Barr, the story of a man-elephant-sycophant
who sells his tiny little soul to a soulless orange-colored miscreant hell-bent
of making America his personal cash-cow:
We also dabbled in documentaries like the immensely unpopular (though not nearly as unpopular as its subjects) documentaries Whites Gone Wild, detailing anti-Semitic/racist white folks marching through the streets with torches, in support of Robert E. Lee, and chanting “Jews will not replace us!” in Twenty-Fucking-Seventeen – and with the explicit support of the president of the United States. This was followed by Girls Gone Stupid, which recounts the epileptic exploits of two dimwitted damsels who thanks to the spoils of gerrymandering became members of Congress, behaving like unsupervised children on meth, raised by brain-damaged monkeys, at the State of The Union address.
And even a non-existent movie
scavenged from a dumpster behind a condemned crackhouse, produced by the likes
of none other than repeatedly-convicted felon and Stalin fanboy Stephen Bannon – Being Nowhere:
And the long-unawaited
refake of the great Peter Sellers classic, featuring a cast of losers unlike
any seen in nearly 100 years:
Our latest effort follows the comical trials
and tribulations of an unfortunate boob who thinks himself a statesman, but
ends up giving up everything he owns – including his spine, his balls and control
of most motor functions – in order to pretend to be the leader of his group of
goofballs, goons and human gewgaws in the 118th Congress. Hilarity,
horror and horrific honkies ensue as the House of Reprehensibles perpetrates an insurrection
against itself. Think Fight Club…only much dumber.
This Kevin doesn’t stand a chance against the
dumbass crooks and crumb-bums attempting to take over his House…in fact, he
already handed them the keys, the security codes and the good silver.
Unfortunately, our beloved reality TV project remains on hold, but you might make your day a little brighter just imagining all the fun you hope to have watching the soon-to-be record-breaking, Emmy-winning, must-see
At long last, are you not entertained?
