Saturday, February 18, 2023

Broken News

Tricky Nikki

February 18, 2023

Speaking of pathetic losers, on-again-off-again Trump sycophant, Nikki “Nothing” Haley has officially thrown her empty head into the ring to become the Ratpublican presidential nominee in 2024…or Trump’s running mate, depending on which way the foul wind is blowing when the time comes.

Haley announced her intention on Valentine’s Day as a love letter to herself, and a threat to sanity and reality. She previously served as Trump’s ambassador to the United Nations and his executive ass-kisser. If anyone doubts Haley’s single-mindedness, here is what she said in April 2021:

“I would not run if President Trump ran, and I would talk to him about it.”

For the record, Trump announced his intention to run in 2024 in November 2022. That would be three months before Haley’s announcement and nearly two years after the above quote. Perhaps Nikki has a problem understanding the arrow of time. Perhaps she is a gutless worm. Or just an average Ratpublican.

Nikki Haley and her best bud-enemy-best bud-enemy Trump (seen here trying to
remember her name and if he ever tried to rape her or if she’s just not his type)

Colicky Nikki

Haley kicked off her doomed-to-failure campaign tying herself to money-grubbing pastor and professional fucknut John Hagee, who Haley tagged to deliver the invocation/obituary at her kick-off event. Hagee, you may recall gained notoriety with his provocative (i.e., disgusting, hateful and decidedly un-Christian) comments about Jewish people, Catholics, Hitler, and LGBTQ+ people.

After Hagee left the stage Haley reclaimed the microphone and said, “To Pastor Hagee, I still say I want to be you when I grow up.” And when might that be?

The putrid polecat pastor claimed the Holocaust was a divine plan from God, Hurricane Katrina was God’s punishment for Pride parades in New Orleans, and women are “only meant to be mothers and bear children.” While Hagee has let all of this stand, he did ultimately apologize for calling the Catholic Church “the great whore.”

Most candidates wait until at least the second day of their campaign to shoot themselves in the face (also known as the Reverse Cheney). No one can figure out why the hell Tricky Nikki is running and she most certainly wind up begging Trump to be his running mate before long.

Nonetheless, everyone is anxiously awaiting the childish, impotent, misogynistic senseless yet successfully degrading nickname The Orange Stain will bestow upon the ex-governor of the great secessionist state of South Carolina – Haley’s Vomit.

Icky Nikki

While running for governor of South Carolina – the state that brought you the Civil War – in an interview with the pro-Confederacy group Sons of Confederate Veterans – is that pro-Confederate enough for ya? – Haley was asked directly whether states have the right to secede. Her answer was “I think that they do, I mean, the Constitution says that.”

Judges?

No, I’m afraid the idiot from South Carolina is incorrect Alex. In fact, she could hardly be more incorrect. Unless she decided to run for president in 2024. That would be embarrassingly and grotesquely incorrect. What’s that? She what? Oh my, how unfortunate. One might feel sorry for her if she wasn’t such a flaming hypocritical beeotch.

This has been a Paying Attention™ Special Broken News report.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled happy thoughts.

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