A Poor Excuse For Dr. Seuss

A Little Something You Can Read,
Not Our Usual, Painful Screed.

September 16, 2020

From the folks who brought you Good Night Goon and Donald and the Very, Very Large Uh-Brain, here comes another gem for the little ones who are surely collateral damage of all the angst and trauma resulting from trying to survive these trying times.

Air Force One

We have a toddler-in-chief, who is the personification of a tantrum, so we’re presenting another adorable literary hors d’oeuvre that even Little Donny’s very, very large uh-brain could digest. We don’t really care if he likes it, but we hope you will. Without any further ado, Paying Attention brings you…

 

   Tell me Donald, what will be,
   Do you like democracy?

I do not like democracy,
It’s bad for you, it’s not for me.

   But will you win it fair and square,
   Can you do it? Do you dare?

I will not win it fair and square,
I will not risk it, here or there.

I have to win, God told me so,
Or else it’s off to jail I go.

It’s rigged, it’s fixed, the nerve the gall,
Go fuck yourselves, I hate you all.*

It’s fixed, it’s rigged, why can’t you see,
I know it’s true, it’s rigged by me.

   But don’t you think it’s wrong to cheat,
   You ugly, orange blob of meat?

I always cheat because I have to,
If you were losing, what would you do?

I will cheat to win the House,
I will cheat ‘cause I’m a louse.

I will cheat the ballot box,
I will cheat, my brain is rocks.

I will cheat and foment hate,
I will cheat in every state.

   We've heard you say you'll cheat like heck,
   We've seen you cheat, we know you're dreck.

I cheat, so what, I also lie,
If I told the truth I think I’d die. 

I will cheat, I’ll screw the Blacks,
I'll cheat in my ill-fitting slacks.

I will cheat them thanks to Putin,
I will cheat, there’s no disputin’.

I will cheat with Russian hackers,
I will cheat with wealthy backers.

   But cheating’s not the way to go,
   You lying, hateful so-and-so.

I will cheat, disrupt the mail,
I will cheat them without fail.

 

I will cheat with William Barr,
I will cheat the best by far.

I will cheat by helping COVID,
Then I’ll just say, “Look what I did.”

I will cheat so I can win, then
I will cheat some more again.

I will cheat, to me it’s fun,
I might even use a gun.

I will cheat ‘cause I’m in charge,
My brain is small, my ego large.

   Your ego's large, we know that's true,
   What else the fuck is wrong with you?

I will cheat them through the census,
You’ll get shot if you’re against us.

I will cheat, it’s what I do,
I’m scum, a slob, it’s nothing new.

I will cheat, and here’s advice,
I told my folks to go vote twice.**

If you cheat and vote for me,
I swear I’ll pay your legal fees.

I will cheat, I’ve made that clear,
You can’t stop me. Do you hear?

   We hear you fine, it hurts, you know,
   We're dying, literally, to see you go.

I will cheat, don’t be so fussy,
Or I will grab you by the pussy.

I will cheat November Third,
Sure I’ll cheat. Just take my word.

Cheating is my middle name,
As you know, it starts with “J”.

I will cheat, that is my game,
Cheating Donald is my name.

   But you will lose, with any luck,
   You horrid, filthy…oh look at the time.

*Except of course for all the other racists and whackos who I hear like me very much.
*This is, in case you’re wondering, true and also a felony.

Actual footage of Chrump and children

I. Mangrey regressing. Don’t be a Grump. Dump the Chrump