Saturday, December 30, 2023

Profiles In Garbage

Haley’s Vomit

December 30, 2023

Before we begin, you need to know that there is a secret word for today’s edition of Schmuck Of The Day. It’s a common word, found every day around the nation.

The secret word is ‘Slavery’

These fascist Ratpublicans are simply impossible to believe. At a recent New Hampshire town hall, South Carolina’s favorite daughter, Nikki Haley – who is of Asian Indian descent, but is trying to get right-wing, racist pig voters to think of her as white – did her state (you know, the state that started the Civil War) proud.

Haley was asked by a voter, “What was the cause of the United States Civil War?” Haley took a long, deep breath, turned tail and literally walked away from the questioner and the question. Realizing there was no physical escape, the soon-to-be-ex-candidate put on her tap shoes and began her response with, “Well don’t come with an easy question.” Inquiring minds want to know: Is there any easier question though?

Nikki Haley preparing to spew a whole lotta nothin’

Haley then proceeded to dance like she was Gregory Hines in his prime. Tap, tap, bob, weave, tap, tap. “Roll of government” this, “the rights of the people” that. Haley danced around the truth for so long all one could think of was “they shoot horses, don’t they.” Haley tried everything to avoid using the word ‘slavery,’ one with which one can only assume she has at least a spit of familiarity. She finally ran out of breath, thinking she had emerged victorious and put the annoying question to rest, and tried to turn things around, asking her inquisitor, “What do you think the cause of the Civil War was?”

After reminding Haley that she was the one running for president, the man who asked the question thanked Tricky Nikki adding, “In the year 2023, it’s astonishing to me that you answer that question without mentioning the word slavery.”

Just when you thought Icky Nikki had been utterly humiliated, she unsheathed her Jell-O-sharp wit and replied, “What do you want me to say about slavery?”

Touché beeotch. At least Haley avoided mooing, “Stand back, and stand by,” or referring to the seditionists of the Confederacy as “very fine people.” Maybe next week.

Seriously, “What do you want me to say about slavery?” Oh, I don’t know; anything? Maybe say the word?

At one point during Haley’s unsuccessful circumlocution, she meandered off course, which was the whole point of course, saying “We need capitalism; we need economic freedom.” Well governor, which is it?

With any luck, that gaseous gash below her nose will finally heal shut and she can slink back to the Secession State where she belongs.

I. Mangrey reporting. And retching. 

BONUS TRACK

Todd Rundgren – STFU


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