December 30, 2023
Before we begin, you need to know that there is a
secret word for today’s edition of Schmuck Of The Day. It’s a common word,
found every day around the nation.
These fascist Ratpublicans are simply impossible
to believe. At a recent New Hampshire town hall, South Carolina’s favorite
daughter, Nikki Haley – who is of Asian Indian descent, but is trying to get
right-wing, racist pig voters to think of her as white – did her state (you
know, the state that started the Civil War) proud.
Haley was asked by a voter, “What was the cause
of the United States Civil War?” Haley took a long, deep breath, turned tail
and literally walked away from the questioner and the question. Realizing there
was no physical escape, the soon-to-be-ex-candidate put on her tap shoes and began
her response with, “Well don’t come with an easy question.” Inquiring minds
want to know: Is there any easier question though?
Haley then proceeded to dance like she was
Gregory Hines in his prime. Tap, tap, bob, weave, tap, tap. “Roll of
government” this, “the rights of the people” that. Haley danced around the
truth for so long all one could think of was “they shoot horses, don’t they.” Haley
tried everything to avoid using the word ‘slavery,’ one with which one can only
assume she has at least a spit of familiarity. She finally ran out of breath,
thinking she had emerged victorious and put the annoying question to rest, and tried
to turn things around, asking her inquisitor, “What do you think the cause of
the Civil War was?”
After reminding Haley
that she was the one running for president, the man who asked the question thanked
Tricky Nikki adding, “In the year 2023, it’s astonishing to me that you answer
that question without mentioning the word slavery.”
Just when you thought Icky
Nikki had been utterly humiliated, she unsheathed her Jell-O-sharp wit and replied,
“What do you want me to say about slavery?”
Touché beeotch. At
least Haley avoided mooing, “Stand back, and stand by,” or referring to the
seditionists of the Confederacy as “very fine people.” Maybe next week.
Seriously, “What do
you want me to say about slavery?” Oh, I don’t know; anything? Maybe say the
word?
At one point during
Haley’s unsuccessful circumlocution, she meandered off course, which was the
whole point of course, saying “We need capitalism; we need economic freedom.”
Well governor, which is it?
With any luck, that gaseous
gash below her nose will finally heal shut and she can slink back to the
Secession State where she belongs.
I. Mangrey reporting. And retching.
BONUS TRACK
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