Friday, December 29, 2023

Bringing You the Future Before It’s Too Late, Part II

Predictions, Prophecies, Prognostications, Projections and Piffle 

The End (of The Year) is Near

December 29, 2023

Telling It Like It Will Have Been

It is time to pick up where we laughed off. Hopefully, you are sufficiently soused, fittingly fried, tenuously toasted, or otherwise appropriately altered as 2023 melts away like the Arctic and if many people have their way, America’s democracy. If you had already started your Rent-A-Coma experience and are not seeing this in a timely manner, welcome back – I hope you are feeling refreshed, or at least blissfully unaware of any of the disastrous depredations that occurred while you were “out.” 

It was with great trepidation, constipation and crustacean – no, that can’t be right… that we even forced ourselves to look at the coming year. 2024 promises to be horrifying, angst-ridden and exhausting. And that’s the best-case scenario. This election could have people running for the exits faster than the audience at the premier of Springtime For Hitler just before the lovely and talented Lorenzo St. DuBois took the stage and stole the show.

Lorenzo St. DuBois – best Hitler ever

As we watch 2023 dissolve into the American memory abyss, Donald Trump is desperately appealing each and every indictment, claiming that former presidents, even a disgraced, twice-impeached, four-time-indicted (so far), failed insurrection leading and Fifth-Amendment-dependent ex-one-term one has a lifetime get-out-of-jail-free cards. Never thought I would use the words ‘Donald Trump’ and ‘appealing’ in the same sentence.

In any event, welcome to Part II of our annual three-part series on the way it will be in 2024. With any luck the prediction gods will provide something to save the day, if not the year.  

January 16, 2024

It’s My Party And I’ll Win If I Want To

Trump wins the Iowa caucuses running away, but is either confused about having won or is so accustomed to whining, yelling and mooing about hoaxes, witch hunts and rigged elections, that he spends several hours between midnight and 3 am posting a series of all-cap screeds on his soon-to-be-forgotten fake media platform…I want to say Ruth Social, or something like that. Here’s a frightening and painful sample:

Despite being told by his team that he had actually won, Trump began kicking his aides and throwing food until he was finally subdued with the help of a tranquillizer dart, well several, since no actual elephant tranquillizers were available.

February 25, 2024

What's That Smell? Is It Musk?

Despite still insisting that he lost the “very fake and horrible” Iowa caucuses, Trump announces his running mate as he continues his for American fascism. Quoting Hitler with reckless abandon, praising Xi and Putin at every turn, many thought it would be Mike Flynn or perhaps super-genius and anti-Semitic, anti-social-media empresario Elon Musk. Others insisted Trump would choose Icky Haley or the sniveling Reejek Ramasmarmy.

It turned out to be a complete unknown. Someone who could rile up the base and drive the libs crazy. Someone who would never – at least not for the next 20 months or so – criticize Trump or say anything that would make Donald seem stupid by comparison. Though small in stature, and having never been in politics, this would-be second-in-command at least comes with no baggage, no skeletons in the closet. In fact, no skeleton whatsoever…

This would assure Trump that his VP would always stand by him, well at least once he was born and was given a name, if not quite able to actually stand yet. And there is no way little What’s-is-name would be able to run against his boss in 2028, 2032 or any election prior to 2060. After that, he could just be mysteriously shot or suffer a high-rise window mishap.

April 1, 2024

Golden (Or Is It Orange) Shower
                         or
             Piss On, Piss Off

Trump finds that pissing off the courts is not enough, so he whips out his mushroom-shaped, barely-functional phallus and reenacts the infamous Pee-pee Tape, only this time he’s the one providing the golden shower, pissing on the court, with his idiot lawyer Alina Habba taking friendly water, taking it on the chin, as it were.

Another dangerous leak from a not-so-anonymous leaker

July 21, 2024

TRUMP = MUD

As part of the settlement for E. Jean Carroll’s second defamation suit – the one she filed after Trump was found liable and forced to pay $5M in the first civil trial, immediately after which Donald went out and defamed her again – Trump was required to change the marquee on every property festooned with his name. The judge thought a new name would be appropriate

Trump lobbied the judge to go with “MUGSHOT TOWER” instead

Ironically, though figuratively his name is now “Mud,” revenues went up as soon the TRUMP logo came off those buildings that had still been saddled with it.

Nap Time

Go and have a nap or a concussion, maybe some Prozac or a quick round of Rent-A-Coma. There is a good chance Part III is coming soon. 

We’ve got the Magic 8 Ball in overdrive – we asked again later, survived countless hazy replies, and a surprising number of “Signs point to WTF”. These are not fake predictions.  

Making predictions takes intense preparation and concentration
in order to get oneself in touch with the spirits

Ed Venture, I. Mangrey, T. Doff and Shay King continue bringing you the future before it gets away.

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