Predictions,
Prophecies, Prognostications, Projections and Piffle
I Can See Next Year From Here
December 31,
2023
Anyone can put
together a look back at the year that was. Not that there’s anything wrong with
that. But it takes true courage, a complete disregard for common sense and real
spunk to pretend to know what will happen in the year to come.
So, here it
is. The final installment of what to expect in 2024.
Donald Trump –
the long COVID of presidents – still has us gnashing our teeth, fighting to
keep food down, losing sleep and praying that the Constitution will ultimately
prevail despite the unrelenting and seditious efforts of its arch enemies –
Donald Turmp, his Fascist Party, and the Supremely Extreme Court. Hopefully, Trump’s
legacy will attain a fate similar to so many of Turmp’s other fraudulent, and
ultimately failed ventures.
Ed Venture
Unmanageable Editor
August 16, 2024
The Call Is
Coming From Inside The Louse
During an
alleged bathroom break at a courthouse, perpetual defendant Trump makes a
series of perfect phone calls to secretaries of state, county election
officials, the few local election workers who have not been threatened by
MAGAts, and random Second Amendment fetishists in seven battleground
(figuratively speaking, for now) states attempting to persuade them to not
certify the election results in their states, though everyone knows Biden will win
their popular votes by double-digit margins in the 2024 election that is more
than a month away. According to reports, Desperate Don even rang up Brad
Raffensperger in Georgia for old times’ sake, to give it one more shot. People
waiting in the courtroom wondered what was taking so long, but they just
figured Trump was full of shit and needed extra time in order to flush five or
six or fifteen times. And Trump says it’s windmills killing dolphins.
September 11, 2024
He Cannot Not Tell A Lie
Under oath Trump, sweating more than a badly beaten football team in a cramped post-game sauna, swears up, down and sideways, “Melanie made me do it. She is a very foreign and possibly very dangerous person. She’s the brains in the outfit and she might be part of the fake Russia hoax. I think she might even be from Russia. I only do what she tells me. I obviously don’t understand how anything works. It was all Melanie and Ivanka. I think Ivanka was out to get me from the beginning because I refused to date her. This is the God’s truth. I forgot to bring my Bible, but Two Corinthians – am I right? Cross my heart and hope you die.
She’s the one – that foreign-sounding loser over there. I never met her before.
September 24, 2024
The election is
put in jeopardy when unexpectedly, Donald Trump holds himself hostage, having
himself handcuffed to Ivana’s coffin near the first tee at the failing
Bedminster Resort and Golf Abyss. He threatened to take himself out if his
demands are not met. As you might imagine, his demands included “stopping the
vote count as soon as I have more votes, since last time I was winning bigly
and then suddenly they said they kept counting votes and they said I lost. I
did not lose and you know it and everyone knows it.” The self-hostage also
demanded “a $5B ransom and a get-out-of-jail-free card, plus all the fake witch
hunt charges must be dropped” and something about calling off the 2028 election
just to be safe.” At least we don’t have to worry about this self-loathing
cretin developing Stockholm Syndrome.
You can see how important this tax-break,
I mean gravesite is to Donald. It has been left this way presumably to make it
easier to dig up when the time comes to retrieve the classified documents
buried with his dear ex-wife. You would think being Ivanka’s mother would have
bought her a modicum of caring; after all, he did date her.
Before we finish our predictions for
2024, this brief word from our sponsor…
November 6,
2024
Joe Biden
defeats Donald “Just Call Me President Anyway” Trump in a landslide-and-a-half.
Trump only managed to win Texas, Florida, Mississippi, South Carolina and
almost every mental institution.
Trump seeks refuge
at his hideous home at Mor-on Lago, where he is greeted by the only crowd still
having any interest his existence. A flock of vultures.
November 28, 2024
Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade included, among its famous giant balloons, a giant deflated Trump balloon dragged through the streets until it disintegrated into dust.
Fake Hoax Alert
After being
crushed (for the third time) at the polls, and seemingly nearly picked clean by
vultures, it is revealed that Donald Trump was in fact a creation of an AI
program that had been infected with a virus.
The virus was
described by one expert as “the COVID of computer viruses,” adding “while the
Trump bot was completely fake, a digital disaster, the human COVID-19 virus
was absolutely real and killed millions of actual people.” Countless computer
technicians tried everything they could think of to quell the virus, including
shining a powerful light inside the computer and pouring bleach inside it.
While this approach did manage to destroy every computer it was tried on, it
was unsuccessful in eliminating the virus itself, which is why Trump was able
to continue his surreal existence long enough to practically destroy America in
four years and then attempt one more interminable term in office.
Thank goodness the American people
managed to win the day, even overcoming the absurd Electoral College – always
there at the ready to override the will of the actual electorate. Efforts are
still under way to determine the orangins, uh oranges of the virus, uh where
the virus came from, and ensure it cannot create anything as horrific ever
again.
December 25, 2024
Donald J. Trump, STFU In
Peace
It was as if the entire world,
well the entire world minus the toxic vein of fascist fuckwads, asked Santa for
one thing and Santa delivered. People were dancing in the streets. Atheists were
thanking God. The world lost a malignant cancerous growth that threatened life
as we know it. On his long-overdue deathbed, Donald Trump finally concedes the
2020 election. Just kidding, his final words were, “Biggest crowds ever…stolen
elections...11,780 votes…president for life…covfefe.”
December 31, 2024
This Will Have Been The Year That Will Have Been
We are predicting that the year 2024 will come to an end, at
midnight or there abouts. We are simply not stupid enough to even consider
predicting how. There is a non-zero percent chance that we will once again be
relieved to wring out another year.
To be fair, we have to share one more
prediction. It is not our prediction, and since it is very unlikely that anyone
will have gotten this far, we decided to put it here. See if you can guess
whose prediction this is for 2024…
“THE STOCK MARKET IS ONLY HIGH BECAUSE PEOPLE, & INSTITUTIONS,
BELIEVE & EXPECT ME TO WIN THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION OF 2024. IF I DON'T
WIN, IT IS MY PREDICTION THAT WE WILL HAVE A STOCK MARKET "CRASH"
WORSE THAN THAT OF 1929 - A GREAT DEPRESSION!!! MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!”
Yes, as everyone knows, the economy rises or
falls based on who will be the next president. That was an actual quote from an
actual (as far as we know at the moment) person – ex-president Donald “Flopsweat”
Trump.
Out With (ano)The(r) Bad Year, In With The Completely
Unpredictable (With The Exception Of Our Predictions) And Potentially Fatal New
Year
In any event,
hope for the best, expect the worst. Remain vigilant. Sleep with one eye open.
The year 2024 is coming for you and is plotting to kill you if you’re not
prepared.
Mel Brooks – Hope For The Best
And this is not
a prediction, this is a guarantee: the word of the year will be
Either that or the ever-reliable gift from the Hopi language
Anyway, that’s it for Paying Attention™ in 2023 and now we all know what to expect in
2024 – or at least some of it. For now, just enjoy New Year’s Eve, think
responsibly, and for now, forget the future ever happened.
Feel free to ignore all predictions except this one from the world’s foremost authority: “If we don't change direction soon, we'll end up where we're going.”
From Ed Venture, I. Mangrey, T. Doff
and Shay King, and our research and legal teamS:
We know what you did next summer.
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