Bringing You the Future Before It’s Too Late, Part III

Predictions, Prophecies, Prognostications, Projections and Piffle

They say Elba is lovely in January

The End (of The Year) is (Mercifully) Near Here

December 31, 2020

Where Will We Have Gone From Here

Well, here it is. The final installment of what to expect in 2021. Well, theoretically we will soon be rid of Donald Chrump, albeit 48 months too late. Chances are good, if you are reading this, that you are not dead. Hopefully well-stocked with toilet paper, and still COVID-19-free. Unfortunately and unsurprisingly, there is still no way to know for sure. Until at least January 6, 2021 – and very possibly until the 21^st – Chrump will keep us guessing, gnashing our teeth, fighting to keep food down, losing sleep and praying that the Constitution will ultimately prevail despite the unrelenting and seditious efforts of its arch enemy – the Republican’t Party, which is now a wholly-owned subsidiary of Donald Chrump. Hopefully, it will attain the fate of so many of Chrump’s business ventures.

Ed Venture
Unmanageable Editor

 

January 21, 2021

Bleaching A Conclusion

The virus is a hoax and drinking bleach will kill it

Thousands of Chrump loyalists, despondent over the fact that their man-baby was tossed out after a single term/tantrum, unable to complete his mission to destroy democracy and America, and to bring racism and discord back to pre-Civil War levels, decide it’s time to show everyone how great Chrump really was, hoping the Radical Left will finally realize what a stupid mistake they made. They drink disinfectant en masse to keep themselves safe from the tyranny of masks and the coronavirus. Most of them die quick, albeit horrible deaths. The survivors claim victory over the virus and Joe Biden.

 

January 25, 2021

The Whiter House

Initially, Chrump intended to tunnel back into the White House, 

but quickly gave up and went golfing

Finally-ex-president Donald Chrump promises to “build a bigger, better, much more beautiful and powerful Whiter House at Mor-on Lago in Florida. I will still be president of most white people. Especially the poorly educated – I love the poorly educated. And the great Betsy Devos made sure there will be millions more of these uneducated people who are smart enough to love Chrump. I won’t have to pretend I never heard of the Proud Boys or David Duke or worry about being impeached or hoaxed by the radical left liberal Antifa lovers. No one can tell me to wear a mask, or not to drink bleach or shine light up my ass, which I was totally joking about before – and everyone knows that, but I’m seriously doing now. Just look how healthy I am. No one has a healthier glow than Chrump. I have the best hair and I’m still the best-looking guy in America, and probably the world, I would say. Sleepy Joe Biden lost this election by a lot and I will not stop until I prove it, whether it be in court or possibly by some sort of Second Amendment thing. We’ll just have to wait and see.”

 

February 25, 2021

Promise Made, Promise Kept

Donald Chrump, desperate for attention since his Twitter following dropped by 90 percent and he can’t even buy time on television, takes a trip to New York City in order to force people to remember he exists. He told radio host Mike Pence, “I was cheated out of a second term and someone is going to pay. I still have some unfinished business. The first thing I’m going to do is walk down Fifth Avenue and shoot someone, maybe a bunch of people. When you’re white they let you do it. Many people still think I’m still president. My new Whiter House is going to be built very soon. I am also planning to build my own wall to stop Mexico from sending us all their criminals and rapists, who are voting against Chrump, even the dead ones. I alone can fix it. These horrible Mexican criminals and rapists are stealing jobs from real American criminals and rapists. Many of these great Americans are good friends of mine and got very strong and powerful pardons from Chrump while he was the greatest president in history.”

“Even those rats on the Supreme Court better look out if they don’t reconsider their very terrible decision to allow the totally illegal Sleepy Joe Biden and that dangerous radical liberal black lady he calls a Vice President to pretend to be president. That is still my job. I pretended to be president for four of the greatest years in America and I will continue to do the job I was greatly elected to do – with the biggest inauguration crowd in the history of the world.”

Armed, dangerous, and stupid: Chrump on Fifth Avenue in NYC

 March 1, 2021

Atlantic City, Tear Down That Eyesore

Atlantic City auctioned off the opportunity to be the one who pushes the button to demolish the now-closed Chrump Plaza Hotel & Casino. The proceeds going to Atlantic City’s Boys & Girls Club. Who will it be? Mike Bloomberg? Nancy Pelosi? George Soros? Barack Obama? Hillary Clinton Mary Trump? Melania? This, we will not divulge, preferring to let you be surprised and pleased when you discover the winning bidder. However, we will let you in on another interesting tidbit for this day.

Many people have offered to pay to dismantle this very
strong, powerful and colossal failure by hand. Others have
decided to simply take matters into their own hands.

Chrump accidentally wanders into Chrump Plaza in Atlantic City moments before it is demolished. normally, such a building is cordoned off well ahead of the demolition, but no one seemed to bother telling Donald not to go it at that time. Perhaps they assumed he would leave in time, perhaps everyone assumed he had left in time, perhaps no one cared.

July 21, 2021

Make America Suffer Again

A frustrated Chrump tries to poke America’s eye out

Chrump reveals his new “Re-president Me” campaign slogan and new hat. “Make America Mine Again. I did such a great job and I got the second biggest amount of votes ever. We have to get me back in the White House – the old one, not the one I’m building so greatly in Florida, or maybe Russia, I haven’t decided yet. And I will be totally self-funding with your money. So keep sending me money so we can have an even greater America than anyone ever thought possible. I alone can do it.” Chrump then led the credulous crowd in a new chant, “MAMA! MAMA! I want my MAMA!”

 

September 24, 2021

No Balls Putz Prize

For finally admitting he lost the 2020 election to Joe Biden, Chrump becomes the first winner of a new prestigious prize. The psychotic, orange narcissist has repeatedly either begged or insisted that he be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. Chrump has even claimed on occasion that he won several of them. Instead, Chrump is awarded the No Balls Putz Prize for outstanding cowardice, insanity and hatred. It is surely a distinct honor and well-deserved.

 

December 31, 2021

It is predicted that there will be no more predictions dealing with Donald Chrump. He will be either dead or irrelevant, or both. Good riddance to bad rubbish.

Well, that’s it for Paying Attention in 2020 (unless Chrump outdoes himself in the next 24 hours), and all we know about what to expect in 2021 – or at least some of it. For now, sit back and pour yourself a beverage; a nice hot cup of tea, a martini, maybe something from the hemp family. However you roll, make sure you have your Rent-a-Coma on hand, just in case. It’s still flying off the shelves. And, you never know when it might come in handy. For now, let's party like we're all in quarantine.  

From Ed Venture, I. Mangrey, T. Doff, Shay King, and everyone here at Paying Attention:

Sorry, that’s the best we can offer right now

John Oliver says good-bye to 2020

Bringing You the Future Before It’s Too Late, Part II

Predictions, Prophecies, Prognostications, Projections and Piffle

 The End (of The Year) is Near

December 29, 2020

Where We Will Have Gone From Here

It is time to pick up where we laughed off. Hopefully, you are sufficiently soused, fittingly fried, tenuously toasted, or otherwise appropriately altered as 2020 melts away like Greenland’s ice sheet. If you had already started your Rent-A-Coma experience and are not seeing this in a timely manner, welcome back – I hope you are feeling refreshed. In any event, welcome to Part II of our annual three-part series on the way it will be in 2021. Buckle up, good chance of turbulence ahead.

Eenie meenie chili beanie, the spirits are about to speak 

 

January 19, 2021

Take Your Carnage And Shove It

After seeing the breadth and scope of the sabotage inflicted on America by outgoing 45^th president, whose name escapes me at the moment, Joe Biden holds a hastily convened press conference. Looking more ashen than usual, the president-elect read a brief statement. 

“My fellow Americans, it is with a heavy heart that I stand before you today. Well, sort of. As everyone knows, I won the presidency by one of the largest percentages in our great nation’s history. I was proud of the campaign I ran and extremely grateful to the more than 80,000,000 Americans who put their faith in my ability to bring America back from the disastrous reign of my predecessor.

I was very much looking forward to taking on this all-but-impossible task because I love this country. However, as I looked over not just the damage the last guy did in the first three years and ten months of his time in office, but what he’s done since I crushed him at the ballot box and the Electoral College, I had to make a big decision. Just when we all thought, or at least hoped it couldn’t get any worse, Donald and his people attempted to destroy what little he had not already ruined in an effort to leave me with almost nothing to work with – something no administration could hope to recover from. It is with this in mind that I relinquish my presidency back to Donald Chrump. Mr. Chrump, I leave it to you to clean up the previously unimaginable shitstorm you created.”

“And I thought actually being president was going to be fun. This could be even better.”

“I look forward to watching Chrump dig his way out of this hell-hole. And, my fellow Americans, make no mistake, I’m not doing this because the ignorant motherfucker I was elected overwhelmingly to replace says I have to prove all of my votes were legitimate – pardon my French. And that's no malarkey. I’m doing this for the sheer entertainment of watching him try to figure out how to undo the shitscape he created in order to fuck with me. Again, French, sorry. Finally, I would say – Donald, go fuck yourself.” Biden had to be assisted off the podium, as it appeared he might collapse from laughing so hysterically.

 

12:00 Noon, January 20, 2021

The Dropout

Chrump recreates the wedding scene from The Graduate at his “Alternative Rally” where he launches his 2024 re-presidenting campaign. Screaming from the assembled crowd at the top of his lungs as Joe Biden takes the oath of office. Rather than screaming ‘Elaine’, he can be heard bellowing “I won! I won! Lock him up! Lock him up! Lock him up! Everyone knows I’m still the president!” After being ordered to leave the area, and seeming to be unable to drag his bulky mass to safety, Chrump is ultimately escorted kicking and screaming from the National Mall once and for all. As he is being hauled away, he is heard croaking, “Chrump 2024! Four more years! Maybe even eight or twelve! Chrump 2024!”

When you shove him in the paddy wagon, don’t be too nice

 

One Minute past Noon, January 20, 2021

Flee-Bitten

Manhattan District Attorney Cyrus Vance, Jr., who had been busy for several months interviewing numerous players in Donald Chrump’s world of crooked business in order to build a case against the life-long criminal, announces indictments for Donald Chrump and all of his non-Tiffany adult children. Chrump and progeny are detained at the airport as they attempt to flee the country. All are found to be in possession of one-way tickets to Ukraine. No word yet from NY State Attorney General Letitia James, who has been waiting less than patiently to get her subpoenas on the Chrump Crime Family. Oh, and the District of Columbia has some issues with Donald, et al.

That guy who used to be president has some splainin' to do

*************

Go and have a nap or a concussion, maybe some Prozac or a quick round of Rent-A-Coma. There is a good chance Part III is coming soon. Get ready for the end of 2020. We’ve got the Magic 8 Ball in overdrive – we asked again later, survived countless hazy replies, and celebrated a surprising number of “Signs point to yes”. These are not fake predictions.  

Making predictions takes intense preparation and concentration

Ed Venture, I. Mangrey, T. Doff and Shay King continue bringing you the future before it gets away.

Pardon Parcel

Letting His People Go

December 27, 2020

We interrupt the future to bring you the latest bullshit from the present. Unfortunately, Joe Biden remains president-elect. We still have to survive another 24 days under the current regime before he becomes the real thing. There are no guarantees folks. We are like a classroom full of frightened children desperately fighting to survive a psychotic active shooter firing blindly around the room.

When we last spoke, IMPEACHED Fake Lame-Duck president Donald Chrump threw a hand grenade into the finally-passed COVID-19 relief package needing only his dumbass signature to put badly needed – however insufficient – money into the pockets of real Americans. As usual, Chrump shits all over the place and walks away, fully expecting someone to come along and wipe his dumb ass.

Somebody pooped all over the Constitution

Remember, you can only get a pardon after you have been found guilty. And all these fucking pardons Chrump is doling out, how much is he selling them for in reality? Not all of the slimeballs he is letting off the hook have big bucks, but many do. For others, it is not a stretch to think he just envies murderers – one of the few crimes outside Chrump’s repertoire. He’s probably excited to think he will be able to hire these scum as security for the time he spends out of jail, with the added bonus of holding his pardon over their heads so he won’t have to pay them.

Besides the fact that he’s pardoning war criminals, crooked politicians and Jared Kushner’s dirtbag father, one would be remiss not to wonder what kind of arrangements – financial and otherwise – the self-proclaimed artist-of-the-deal is making for these pardons. Someone should be watching Chrump – at least until he’s behind bars – to see what kind of money floats into his coffers, and from whom.

Among the dozens of pardoned felons can be found each and every fellow Russian colluder – Mike Flynn, Paul Manafort, George Papadopoulos, Roger Stone and a few lesser lights who lied to investigators. Our sources have it on good authority that before he is dragged out of the White House, Chrump will pardon, Benedict Arnold, John Wilkes Booth, Lee Harvey Oswald, James Earl Ray, Sirhan Sirhan, Charles Manson, Osama bin Laden and the coronavirus.

Chrump has some choice words for his party

We have also heard that before he vacates the White House – if he does – Chrump intends to rename the Lincoln Bedroom the Jefferson Davis Suite, replete with Stars and Bars and CSA memorabilia. Since Chrump seems to have plenty of time on his hands, a rapidly deteriorating mind, and limitless power to fuck everything up to his heart’s content for another 24 days, we can expect much more mayhem.

People talk about Joe Biden's mental capacity. He could be dead over a week and still be more mentally and physically fit to be president than Chrump.

I. Mangrey reporting. Only 24 more shitting-our-pants days until Inauguration.

Bringing You The Future Before It's Too Late, Part I

Predictions, Prophecies, Prognostications, Projections and Piffle

The End (of The Year) is Near

December 26, 2020

Where Will We Have Gone From Here

The gang here at Paying Attention is once again poised to try our hand at divining the year to come. With Chrump’s crushing defeat by Joe Biden, and America barely surviving dozens of insane, evidence-free lawsuits tossed, laughed, kicked and generally humiliated out of court, and all efforts to replace Biden-pledged electors with cardboard cutout Chrump lackeys, it is barely possible to discern the present. Certainly hard to believe or stomach it. Many people do not realize that predicting the future is not an exact science. Truth be told, science is not always an exact science. A large swath of America does not even think science is real. In reality – as if that’s still a thing – nobody can predict the future…as if that’s still a thing. Nonetheless, we will put our dubious reputation on the line to tell it like it will be. Our record has been as good as anyone’s since our first foray into Predictions, Prophecies, Prognostications, Projections and Piffle back in 2013.

I. Carnac, questioning all the answers that will be given in 2021

Here we are, at the end of 2020, the year many feared might never end. The nascent year commenced with the giddy hope that the impeachment of Donald Chrump would bring sanity back to our lives, deep down we knew that Moscow Mitch’s lackeys would never do what was best for the country. No sooner had Republican’ts summarily dismissed the serious and proven charges against Chrump, but the Lord Almighty visited a plague upon the nation led by a blasphemous conman who had broken at least nine of the Ten Commandments on a fairly regular basis. It was only days later that we learned of a virulent, though fortunately not overly deadly virus taking hold across the globe. Donald Chrump’s response, as it has been to so many things he does not like, was to call it a hoax. It wasn’t. thanks to his inimitable handling of the problem, we now have more than 340,000 dead Americans, with no imminent end to the carnage in sight, despite the arrival of vaccines.

Then we had an election that was much closer than most had hoped, showing just how mired in racism, fascism and Chrumpism this nation is. Perhaps even worse was Chrump’s response – sedition, threats of martial law and a level of abdication of duty above and beyond what we had thought was laziest, least interested president in history. With any luck, and as of this moment, it is anything but certain that the Orange Usurper will vacate the premises in a timely manner, 2021 will in fact bring the end of Chrump’s time as un-president. Right now, it looks pretty unpromising.

In any event, here is what we believe you will see over the next 12 months…

January 6, 2021

Chrump Flunks Out of Electoral College...Again

Despite the fact that Congress has officially certified the Electoral College vote, Chrump and his big top of clown/lawyers are more desperate than ever after the Democrats took control of the Senate by sweeping the two pathetic, grifting Republican’t incumbents under the rug. They finally get the Supreme Court, anxious to do Chrump’s bidding, to look closely at all the ballots Chrump insisted were fake, rigged and illegal. Funny thing; it turns out that 90% of these votes by dead people, fake people, cats, dogs, emus and cheeseburgers were in fact for Chrump.

Thanks to Chrump’s relentless efforts, Biden's lead in the popular vote jumps to 20,000,000 and it turns out that Chrump lost Florida, North Carolina and Texas, giving Biden 388 to Chrump's 150. Chrump continues to insist he won.

Let’s all sing like the turdies do, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet

January 11, 2021

Cold Medalist

Having exhausted most means of fucking things up in order to leave the Biden administration the worst possible mess to clean up, Chrump turned his attention-deficit to just doing random stupid shit before relinquishing his imagined crown. On this day IMPEACHED Lame-duck Fake president Donald Chrump gives the Medal of Freedom to his long-time friend the COVID-19 virus. “Since the very lame and very outdated Constitution and many annoying people say that I can’t give myself the Presidential Medal of Freedom, I decided to do the next best thing and give this special recognition to the most powerful American of last year – the great China virus. I have spoken.” 

Chrump's crowning achievement

Ed Venture, I. Mangrey, T. Doff and Shay King bringing you the future before it’s too late.

Go and get a stiff drink and gird your loins folks, we’re just getting started.  It is predicted that Part II will be appearing very soon.

Chrump v. Republican’ts

The Snake Eating Its Tail

December 25, 2020

Donald Chrump is so angry with the Republican’t party for daring to display the slightest modicum of independence, some even having the gall to admit that Chrump was soon to be an ex-president, that he is even willing to claim a desire to do something to help people. Chrump, a master of delusion, assumed that he had complete control over McConnell’s boys, especially after they bailed his sorry ass out after being IMPEACHED.

After months of Democrats passing rescue measures, and Mitch McConnell trying to kill more Americans to pile on top of Chrump’s more than 300,000 personally-sponsored COVID-19 dead bodies, Moscow Mitch finally decided he had to make a deal with the House and pass legislation to delay, if only slightly and very temporarily, the further demise of countless American families teetering on the brink of poverty, starvation and death. Needless to say, McConnell did not do this out of any charitable or altruistic urges. He signed on to this pittance of a relief bill because he saw it was the only way he might hold on to his Senate majority seat. Nonetheless, a deal was finally struck to put another pittance into the pockets of desperate Americans trying to survive the economic side effects of the virus pandemic.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, into the fray that was finally no longer a fray, rides the Orange Knight. Chrump had at this point only one simple task, having ignored the months-long negotiations – to sign the bill into law. He instead pretended to that he did not like the hard-fought legislation, threw a hissy fit and forced an already fed-up nation to see his fake face and listen to his painful voice, and end up, as has so often been the case every time Chrump opens his mouth, in shock.

Crump went in front of the cameras and whined that Congress must, “increase the ridiculously low $600 to $2000 and to send me a suitable bill, or else the next administration will have to deliver a COVID relief package, and maybe that administration will be me.” After threatening to veto the bill, he simply did nothing – the worst possible play. Congress could, and likely would have overridden his sickening veto, but by refusing to either sign or veto, the bill will now just lie there, wasting away just like Chrump himself – a useless pile of words.

In an unmistakable attempt to make Ebenezer Scrooge look like Mother Teresa, the IMPEACHED Fake Lame-Duck president then flew out of Washington, DC to continue avoiding his job at Mor-on Lago, where some believe he will live out the remaining days of his ill-gotten, criminally-drenched, disastrous, single term in office.

They knew he was a snake before they took him in. Well, I sure as hell did.

I. Mangrey reporting. Endeavor to persevere. Happy Holidays…that’s right, I said it.

Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life

Brain Damage For Dummies

The Plot Sickens

December 23, 2020

This past Monday was the Winter Solstice. The day with the least amount of daylight each year. Unfortunately, we have yet to reach the day with the least amount of horrifyingly insane, fascist attacks on our democracy, our sanity and our physical health, courtesy of Donald Chrump. There is not as yet any absolute guarantee that we will ever see that day, though there is a good chance of that day arriving on January 20, 2021.

For the time being, Chrump is becoming increasingly despot...I mean desperate. He has been self-sequestered in his favorite bathroom (except when he is off golfing) since shortly after being unceremoniously crushed by the American electorate who decided to show Chrump the door. Many hope that door is constructed out of good old U.S. steel bars. By most accounts he is busying himself making pardon lists, plotting revenge, marinating in the counsel of other psychotic, autocratic morons, and trying to fuck the country up as much as possible in the off chance he decides to leave the White House when the clock strikes noon on January 20, 2021. But mostly, according to one Chrump advisor, “He's throwing a fucking temper tantrum” (actual quote). So what else is new?

Chrump recently wandered out of hiding to hold a press tantrum. He looked dazed and apparently forgot to get dressed, or perhaps he can no longer be bothered. Or maybe he thought he was still in his bathroom. In his current fugue state, he neglected to notify the press, so he ended up ranting into the void…for the most part. Our intrepid reporter Ann T. Soshal, who has been staking out the White House for signs of intelligent life, caught the act and transcribed every word, for better or worse. Ann subsequently tested positive for Severe, Horrendous Imbecile Trauma (SHIT), has been pulled from the field and is resting comfortably thanks to our stock of RENT-A-COMA. No one should have had to see that.

Chrump Speaks

Chrump verbally assaults no one in particular, 

desperate to hold on to a job he never did

“I’m still the president, even though I never get thanked enough for being the best president ever. No way will Sleepy Joe be president. He can pretend all he wants. Biden says he will have the most diverse cabinet in history. First of all, he lost the election. By a lot. I will soon have so much proof you won’t believe it. That I can tell you. I have the best proof. You will be amazed when you see it. And if I decide it’s not worth showing you, I’ll just make my military guard the White House so no one can get in. And then I will build a big, beautiful wall to protect me from all those fake voters. I will be sure to tell you when I’ve decided to stop being president. That’s how it works. Read the Constitution morans.”

Archive photo of Chrump addressing press corps

“Sleepy Joe is not sending us his best people – like I did. They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists. And some, I assume are good people. Not really, I’m just saying that because I’m so presidential.”

At this point, it seemed that despite his eyes and mouth remaining open, Chrump had completely lost consciousness for several minutes. Eventually he snapped out of it and picked up, one imagines, where he left off.

“Speaking of presidential, I don't even think Sleepy Joe has a Twitter account. He will never be up at 3:00 am tweeting on the toilet. What kind of president would that be? He doesn't have the energy. I don’t think he plays golf every week either.”

“His so-called fake cabinet is just a bunch of fake losers with too much experience. None of my amazing cabinet people had any experience and look how great they did. Who needs it? I had the best people. So many of them. I had more cabinet people than any other president. The most. And they were always ready to tell me how great I was.”

June 2017, a mere six months into the Chrump Moronarchy

Chrump also managed to get some words in edgewise on Fux News...

Chrump phoning it in as usual

“I know some of you think I will be leaving the White House on January 21^st. Don’t count on it. Only a loser would leave after one term where they didn’t even win the popular vote, even with help from Russia.”

“The great, disgraced General Mike Flynn, who was personally pardoned by your favorite president Donald Chrump after being convicted of lying to the FBI, says I can declare martial law in the states that said I lost. My great general says I should re-run the election in those states – it happens all the time – and I have the absolute right to do it. And, I know a lot about reruns. I had a tremendous show that should have won many Emmys, but the voting was, as always when Chrump is concerned, fixed and rigged against me. This is no way to treat the greatest, most successful president of all time.”

It seems Chrump’s recent demeanor and actions are setting off alarms in the West Wing. Really? His recent demeanor and actions?

Ed Venture
Managing Editor

Stolen Cusses

How Could Something Like This Happen?

December 19, 2020

Chrump continues to whine that “so many votes were stolen” in the 2020 election. He still insists that these “stolen” votes are the reason he lost to Joe Biden. Not because he is the worst president in history (and it truly pains me to say this because I was secure in the knowledge that George W. Bush – for so many reasons – was the worst, and would continue to be so for 100 years, but almost immediately had his record smashed to smithereens by Chrump). Not because he is responsible for the vast majority of the more than 310,000 (so far, with no sign of slowing down) COVID-19 fatalities. Or that all this death is causing millions of uninfected Americans to lose their jobs, or their businesses or fall into poverty. Is this not the greatest America ever?

Could it be because he was unable to trade Puerto Rico for Greenland? Because he still hasn’t shot anyone on Fifth Avenue? Is it because he never finished (or really ever started) his – to quote ex-Mexican President Vicente Fox – “fucking wall”? Or perhaps he hasn’t completely destroyed the environment yet?

Chrump voters: “No way he lost this fake election. 

We are very proud boys. We never lose.”

No way he lost because of his repeated tacit approval of racists and white nationalists and neo-Nazis or his contempt for Black Lives Matter, and for black lives for that matter. Couldn’t have been because he kidnapped thousands of innocent children and purposely made it difficult if not impossible for hundreds of these children to be reunited with their parents. Are you not entertained?

It could not have been because of the massive security “breach”, since we only found out about the latest cyber-attack in the past few days (not that any Chrump supporters would care that our enemies are attacking us on their beloved one’s “watch”). The New York Times described the “breach” as “among the greatest intelligence failures of modern times.” The greatest intelligence failure of course being Chrump himself. Russia began the attack some nine months ago, infiltrating a number private companies and government agencies, including, the National Nuclear Security Administration, which is responsible for maintaining America’s nuclear weapons stockpile…so nothing really important. Apparently, not as important as Chrump’s seditious attempts to overturn Biden’s victory, which has occupied the IMPEACHED Lame-duck Fake president’s guppy-like attention for the past six weeks. ‘Breach’ is in quotes because it is entirely possible that Chrump gave Putin permission to take whatever he wants, or perhaps Chrump had no choice but to do Putin’s bidding to avoid whatever blackmail is in play. The word ‘watch’ is in quotes because…well, you know damn well there is no watching going on other than Chrump and his mirror. Are you sick of all the winning yet?

No, it was none of these things. According to Chrump and millions of his brain-damaged faithful, including more than 200 members of the House of Representatives, and some undetermined number of senators, he lost because of stolen votes. More accurately, all of these sociopathic fascists continue – without a shred of actual evidence – to insist that Chrump in fact did not lose. He won. Well, guess what, our intrepid, albeit non-existent team of reporters has found these stolen votes. They are for sale on Ebay.

Cheat at half the price. Free shipping. Get your stolen votes today!

Greatly looking forward to not caring about this asshole, but this is still one of our favorites:

Cheeto Christ – Randy Rainbow

_____________________

*We now know for certain that it was Russia because after days of silence on the issue, Chrump is trying to blame China.

I. Mangrey reporting.

McConnell Concedes

Republican'ts Dip A Toe Into The Reality Pool

December 17, 2020

Six weeks after Joe Biden wiped the floor with McConnell’s presidential play-thing, and hours after Russia’s Vladimir Putin reluctantly offered Biden his “congratulations” for kicking his puppet out of Washington, DC, Moscow Mitch grudgingly acknowledged that Biden would be the next president of the United States. In his depress conference, McConnell said, “The time has come to admit what we’ve all known for many weeks. It’s time to stop pissing around and release America from the bonds of captivity. Besides, we have so many other ways to fuck this country and its people over, and I intend to do everything in my power to keep my knee on America’s neck.”

Moscow Mitch engulfed in racism, autocracy, insanity and stupidity

“I’ve already helped Donald Chrump kill most of the 300,000 victims of COVID-19, and I’ve seen to the deaths of countless businesses and households by personally obstructing relief funds that were critical for survival. Nobody fucks with Mitch McConnell, and I intend to dispute the results of the upcoming senate elections in Georgia after the Democrat candidates defeat my millionaire incumbents in January. Screw you all, and fuck the United States of America.”

House minority buffoon Kevin McCarthy remains under mental lockdown, refusing to admit that Joe Biden is President-elect, preferring to run away from reporters.

For his part, Chrump, who surely must be getting tired of all the Biden winning, continues his delusional, seditious tantrum of denial. He continues to foment violence as his angry, fact-free, racist minions begin their War on America in earnest. This could get even uglier than it has been for the past five years, since Chrump oozed onto the presidential scene. Chrump will not go away. His lizard-brain followers will not go away. Their racism and fascism go marching on.

Chrump immediately turned on McConnell for refusing to keep up the anti-democratic charade, which after all, is little more than another money-grabbing scheme by Chrump (who is unsurprisingly keeping money being donated for the imminent and critical Georgia senate races for himself). Also, this is what one would expect when a sore winner loses.

In more enjoyable news, a New York state judge ruled that the Chrump Organization must turn over documents related to a property under investigation by New York Attorney General Letitia James' office for alleged tax shenanigans.

The new American dream

Chrump continues to rely on laughing stock Rudy Giuliani as his attorney of record. It is certainly understandable that Chrump would hang all his legal hopes on a diminished, demented, washed up meltdown like Giuliani. After all, Chrump is nothing if not loyal and faithful, and he and Rudy were quite an item back in the day.

Rudy & Don in more "innocent", albeit nauseating times

I. Mangrey conceding victory...again.

Carpe Dumbass

The Reign Is Falling

December 15, 2020

First things first. Joe Biden continues his record-breaking string of election victories. Yesterday the Electoral College affirmed what Donald Chrump once described this way: “We had a massive landslide victory, as you know, in the Electoral College, I guess the final number is 306 and [my opponent] is down to a very low number.” This makes it approximately 50 times that Biden has defeated Chrump, forcing him into early retirement and rescuing America from certain death. No other candidate in history has beaten his opponent so many times in a single election. SAD.

People talk about Chrump Fatigue Syndrome – the feeling of hopelessness, despair and crushing ennui resulting from the sheer volume of insane conspiracy theories, hatred, fascism and stupidity with which we have been faced every minute of every day at the tiny hands of creation’s latest attempt to disprove, or at least negate the value of the existence of God – Donald Chrump.

We are living with battered life syndrome. America is suffering mental, emotional and now, thanks to the Chrumpvirus pandemic, physical abuse. But many Americans seem unable, and in many cases unwilling to free ourselves from our abuser. Many of us want to just look away, walk away and get away. As far and as fast as possible, in order to hold on to our last shreds of sanity and humanity. If you have not felt yourself harboring all manner of bad thoughts toward various individuals who voted for, enabled, excused and exulted Chrump, then you are either a very spiritual individual or completely oblivious to reality – the former to be showered with praise, the latter to be pummeled with abuse.

Just the other day, a Quaker friend of mine bared his pained soul, realizing that the only way to make progress with the tens of millions of COVID-coddling kooks is for some among them of high station to succumb to the deadly virus. And not just Herman Cain level; someone more currently important to their malevolent movement. But of course, those of special position are privy to treatments unavailable to us hoi polloi. Chrump and those he deems worthy are treated to cures you and I will likely never see.

The COVID-19 vaccine is still months away for most Americans, and most Chrumpians still refuse to listen to medical experts, preferring instead to get infected and infect the rest of us. With winter coming on, maybe it would be a good idea to give some cozy blankets loaded with coronavirus to all those deserving millions of mask-averse, virus deniers in all those red states. It’s the humane thing to do. They love the virus after all. They either think it doesn’t exist, claim not to care if they get it, or both. I say let them have it.

This is all a no-brainer to me. Just as surely as Charles Manson belongs behind bars for the deaths of Sharon Tate, et al, despite never having personally committed a single murder, Chrump, et al deserve the same consideration for their relentless complicity in the deaths of what will soon be 500,000 of our fellow citizens. Even if they hadn’t flaunted their station by accepting treatment unavailable to most. This behavior might be considered to be even worse than Hillary Clinton’s inappropriate use of email servers; that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Caveat Ex-prez

Gerald Ford and Barack Obama refused to hold their respective predecessors accountable for egregious acts against the Constitution and the American people (not to mention the countless deaths of Americans and others directly attributable to both). Each in his own time said we must look forward, not back. It worked very poorly in both cases. You cannot move forward very well without as reasonable assessment of where you’ve been. If you don’t know where you’ve been, and don’t clean up the messes you left behind, what makes you think you have any idea where you’re going next or why?

If more proof that these decisions to ignore the gross misbehavior of presidents once they were out of office are dangerous, and did nothing instill in the public that the Constitution is real and has real meaning, I give you Dick Cheney and Donald Fucking Chrump. These are the kinds of people you get when it is made clear that there is no accountability for crimes against the nation or against humanity. The messes made by Nixon and Bush II are not the kind you can just walk away from. They stick to your shoe like a contemptuous streamer of toilet paper.

He wears it well. You know someone had to put it there, there’s 

no way he wipes his own ass with those little hands.

To be fair, Chrump is not like toilet paper hitching a ride on America’s shoe as the country steps lively, attempting to ditch the stowaway. Chrump is more like stepping in an extra-large dollop of dog shit. If you don’t clean that shit off your shoes, you’ll just end up tracking all over your house. I hope you don’t have any fancy carpets.

President Death Strikes Again

Chrump decided he wasn’t killing enough people with his pet virus, so he murdered a black man in prison since the age of 18 for being adjacent to a murder. Many had asked for a stay of execution for this unfortunate man, but alas, worst of all to Chrump's mind, he was black.

I. Mangrey repapering.

Chrump’s Campaign-Capping Chores

To Do Or Not To Do, That Is The Question. Not.

December 13, 2020

El Presidon'te

Donald Chrump’s cult of malignant personality rages on. Having exhausted all legal means, such as they were, of defying the will of the people, Chrump – in typical Republican’t fashion – after failing to prevail using their normal anti-democratic antics of suppressing, purging and gerrymandering the life out of the electoral process, were forced to resort to, as they say in the business, making shit up. Given the current medieval state of affairs in this country, the conspiracy theories and outright lies injected into the already addled minds of the Chrumpublican true believers has led to the powder keg we now face.

Chrump supporters coming to grips with election results

It looks like the Supreme Court, unable to fudge the election without it looking more obviously fabricated than Donald Chrump’s fake hair and his clown-like face coloring. The last “best” appeal by 17 attorneys general, attempting to have the votes from numerous swing states Chrump lost simply thrown out, was summarily dismissed with little more than a whimpering semi-dissent from supreme disgraces Samuel Alito and Clarence “Uncle” Thomas. It’s all over but the unending, insane, seditious tweeting.

This is an ex-president

According to reports, Donald Chrump has spent over 20 percent of his time in office at one of his golf courses. Wasting our time by shirking the job he never wanted, let alone wanted to do, and wasting our money by bilking us for making the Secret Service pay for lodging and golf cart rentals so they can follow him around while he cheats on the links.

Many, including myself, have compared Chrump to Roman Emperor Nero, who famously “fiddled while Rome burned.” Nero is purported to have reveled in the beauty of the flames, offering no action to stop the devastation.

Unlike Nero, who stood by apathetically, Chrump is busy pouring gasoline on the flames. Chrump does not even have the degree of humanity Nero had, to appreciate the beauty of the flames.

Chrump is spending his final days, his last throes if you will, in office – when he is not obsessively lying and whining about how the election was fake, rigged, fixed, stolen, and the most unsecure ever – eradicating the environment, kissing the KKKonfederacy, pulverizing the postal service, riling up racists, fawning over fascists, eviscerating the economy, further fucking up foreign affairs, vilifying voting, debilitating the Defense Department, incapacitating intelligence, corroding the Constitution and generally torturing the transition process.

In a King George III-like frenzy of utter madness, Chrump has thrown himself into his "work" for the first time since taking office nearly four years ago. Not the work of the people, the country or anything vaguely concerned with managing reality, but the work of propping up Donald Chrump. And this is no easy feat. Have you seen what goes on from the neck down on that thing? I assure you it’s no better than what happens from the neck up and that is, as you know, one scary shitshow. After four years of, what by his standards passed for running the country, Chrump recently told his assembled virus fanciers, “I’ve probably worked harder in the last three weeks than I have in my life.” Really? As they say in the South when they mean something very different, “Bless his heart.”

I wish he would just shut the fuck up and fiddle.

I. Mangrey recoiling.