MAGAvirus 'R' Us

Donald Chrump’s Super Spectacular MAGAvirus Two-Step

March 27, 2020

It’s broken, we bought it

As you may have heard, some number of very stable American geniuses believed that the novel coronavirus was at least in part caused by Corona beer.  You can bet your sweet bippy that these are the same people who thought it would be a good idea for a dubious reality show star who bragged about grabbing women “by the pussy” to be president.

Thanks to the infallible hunches and brilliant non-strategy of Der Furor, the virus he likes to call the “Chinese virus” the American version should now be re-branded as the “MAGAvirus.”  Yes, China withheld a good deal of information about the nature and extent of the nascent epidemic, but Chrump did them one better.  Chrump was warned repeatedly during the early stages, possibly before the coronavirus hit our shores.  He, in his infinite whatever-it-is-that-sure-as-hell-ain’t-wisdom, decided the best thing to do was to shove his head even further up his ass and pretend nothing was happening.

Once it became clear that something was happening, he said it was no big deal and it would magically go away in a few weeks.  Now, you might expect the leader of a great nation, despite publicly putting a hopeful spin on what he was told was going to be a major disaster, might rally his troops behind the scenes and make sure they were prepared for the worst-case scenario. 

You would be living in a dream world.  Our IMPEACHED-president instead “planned” for the best-case scenario, thereby all but assuring the worst-case scenario.  And that my friends is what is now breathing down our necks.  Thanks to Chrump America is #1 – we now have more coronavirus cases than any other country in the world.  And according to most experts – other than the brilliant President Death – the worst is yet to come.  I am currently wrapping my house in Saran Wrap.

Perhaps the most painful and depressing part of this – for anyone not either hospitalized or already dead because of Chrump’s Herculean ineptitude – is the fact that Chrump’s poll numbers are climbing because many Americans are impressed with the way he is “handling” the pandemic.  Just because Chrump is able to act like something vaguely resembling a president for several minutes a day, spending the majority of his now-daily virus rallies slamming the press, blaming Obama, spewing half-baked nonsensical plans for ignoring reality, and as usual, making shit up, desperate, stupid Americans have forgotten that Chrump made things exponentially worse before being badgered into pretending he cared, and now think he is “handling” things.

Can you imagine how much shorter the American wing of the pandemic could have been had it been named the “Budweiservirus”?

I. Mangrey rephrasing.  Do not drink unless drunken to.