October 20, 2023
Mildewed moron Jim “Never
Gonna Fuckin’ Be Speaker” Jordan stuck his proverbial dick in the speakership guillotine
this past week. With peer popularity to rival the dislikes of Ted Cruz and Matt
Gaetz, Jordan saw his vote total in the quest for 217 crater under the crushing
weight of his enmity. Vote #1 saw Hakim Jeffries pull down 212, with Jordan
squeezing out a paltry 200. Vote #2 gave Jeffries the same 212, with Jordan’s
total slipping to 199. All this came after all manner of threats against Jordan’s
fellow Fascist Party colleagues and their families.
people hate him just because he’s an asshole
An election denier
to the end, and never one to be out-dumbed, Jordan pushed forward for a third
spanking. He got what he wanted. Vote #3 saw Jordan’s target number reduce to
215; fortunately for democracy, his actual vote count melted down to 194. Some people
might see a trend here. No telling what Jordan is seeing.
To Rep. Jordan,
This is how voting
works, asshole. People register their wishes on the record and other people
count up the votes. The person with the larger number of votes is known as the
winner. The person with the smaller number, and as it turns out this appellation
applied to you well before even your first defeat at the hands of people who
know you very well, is the loser. In your case, as regards your pathetic
attempts to strongarm people to vote for you, you are a three-time loser. In
this case, anyone who cared to was able to watch the voting, the counting, and
your repeated losing live on television. No Dominion voting machines built for
Hugo Chavez. Maybe you were in the room where it happened, but we have no
confidence that you are able to interpret what is happening right under your
nose, and we know that there is no result not to your liking that you will
accept as fact.
Fuck you very much,
I. Mangrey
This has been a Paying Attention™ Special Broken News report.
We now return you to your regularly scheduled happy thoughts.
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