Broken News

Tricky Nikki

February 18, 2023

Speaking of pathetic losers, on-again-off-again Trump sycophant, Nikki “Nothing” Haley has officially thrown her empty head into the ring to become the Ratpublican presidential nominee in 2024…or Trump’s running mate, depending on which way the foul wind is blowing when the time comes.

Haley announced her intention on Valentine’s Day as a love letter to herself, and a threat to sanity and reality. She previously served as Trump’s ambassador to the United Nations and his executive ass-kisser. If anyone doubts Haley’s single-mindedness, here is what she said in April 2021:

“I would not run if President Trump ran, and I would talk to him about it.”

For the record, Trump announced his intention to run in 2024 in November 2022. That would be three months before Haley’s announcement and nearly two years after the above quote. Perhaps Nikki has a problem understanding the arrow of time. Perhaps she is a gutless worm. Or just an average Ratpublican.

Nikki Haley and her best bud-enemy-best bud-enemy Trump (seen here trying to

remember her name and if he ever tried to rape her or if she’s just not his type)

Colicky Nikki

Haley kicked off her doomed-to-failure campaign tying herself to money-grubbing pastor and professional fucknut John Hagee, who Haley tagged to deliver the invocation/obituary at her kick-off event. Hagee, you may recall gained notoriety with his provocative (i.e., disgusting, hateful and decidedly un-Christian) comments about Jewish people, Catholics, Hitler, and LGBTQ+ people.

After Hagee left the stage Haley reclaimed the microphone and said, “To Pastor Hagee, I still say I want to be you when I grow up.” And when might that be?

The putrid polecat pastor claimed the Holocaust was a divine plan from God, Hurricane Katrina was God’s punishment for Pride parades in New Orleans, and women are “only meant to be mothers and bear children.” While Hagee has let all of this stand, he did ultimately apologize for calling the Catholic Church “the great whore.”

Most candidates wait until at least the second day of their campaign to shoot themselves in the face (also known as the Reverse Cheney). No one can figure out why the hell Tricky Nikki is running and she most certainly wind up begging Trump to be his running mate before long.

Nonetheless, everyone is anxiously awaiting the childish, impotent, misogynistic senseless yet successfully degrading nickname The Orange Stain will bestow upon the ex-governor of the great secessionist state of South Carolina – Haley’s Vomit.

Icky Nikki

While running for governor of South Carolina – the state that brought you the Civil War – in an interview with the pro-Confederacy group Sons of Confederate Veterans – is that pro-Confederate enough for ya? – Haley was asked directly whether states have the right to secede. Her answer was “I think that they do, I mean, the Constitution says that.”

Judges?

No, I’m afraid the idiot from South Carolina is incorrect Alex. In fact, she could hardly be more incorrect. Unless she decided to run for president in 2024. That would be embarrassingly and grotesquely incorrect. What’s that? She what? Oh my, how unfortunate. One might feel sorry for her if she wasn’t such a flaming hypocritical beeotch.

This has been a Paying Attention™ Special Broken News report.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled happy thoughts.

Fun Fact For The Day

Oopsie Daisy...BANG!

February 17, 2023

A Brazilian pro-gun lawyer was shot by his own weapon while visiting a hospital when the powerful magnetic field from an MRI scanner caused the pistol to fire on its own.

Leandro Mathias de Novaes had a concealed handgun while accompanying his mother for a scan at the Laboratorio Cura in Sao Paulo in January.

Despite warnings from staff to remove jewelry and metal objects in the MRI room, Mathias kept his weapon on his waistband. Maybe he did not know that guns were made of metal.

Macho, macho moron

The magnetic field from the machine was so strong that the weapon was pulled from his waist and fired off a round, which hit him in his stomach. Surely this was the Hand of God at work.

Darwin Wins Again

The 40-year-old Brazilian was treated in hospital for more than two weeks before he died from his wounds. Apparently, God works in slow ways, or maybe she just wanted de Novaes to think long and hard about what a fucking moron he had been.

Mathias de Novaes was known for posting pro-gun content to his 12,000 followers on TikTok.

A spokesman for the Order of Attorneys of Brazil in Cotia, São Paulo, said: “It is with deep regret that OAB Cotia communicates to all fellow lawyers the unexpected loss of our dear friend and lawyer Dr. Leandro Mathias de Novaes.

A spokesperson for Paying Attention™ and reasonable people everywhere said, “It is with great schadenfreude and a side order of good riddance to bad rubbish that we bid a fond farewhatever to Mr. de Novaes. This is an ex-pinhead.”

How the hell is, I mean was this guy not American?

Just thought you might like to know.
Now wasn’t that fun?

This has been your Paying Attention™ Fun Fact For The Day.

Broken News

Milk And Kookies

February 15, 2022

Now that they’ve gotten rid of metal detectors, begun the critical task of allowing smoking in the Capitol, and made the House of Representatives officially stick their tongue out at socialism, Ratpublicans are finally ready to take the people’s business seriously.

Fortunately, they are able to multi-task.

While working diligently and relentlessly to crash the world economy by holding the Debt Ceiling hostage – in exchange for fucking up Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid, food stamps, free school lunches for needy children, and other cool stuff like that – Ratpublicans have taken up the vital issue of forcing schools to serve chocolate milk and other artificially flavored milk to children. You know, because sugar is so good for the developing brain and body, and you know, kids don’t have enough access to good quality sugar and artificial toxins if they can’t get it at school.

Fourth-highest-ranking House Ratpublican Elise Stefanik – the woman who

brought you “George Santos” – leading the charge to keep our kids sugared up

This has been a Paying Attention™ Special Broken News report.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled naptime.

Fraught For The Day

Don't you?

The Asshole At The End Of The Universe

February 13, 2023

Okay, it's official - I despise Low-Rent Boebert. Full disclosure: it has always been thus. But now, and likely for all eternity, I will need a new word to capture the level of disgust the cretin from Colorado has inspired in her ever more successful attempts to make women look bad and set humankind in general back thousands and thousands of years. How can one person so small in stature and intellect single-handedly devalue our entire species. This is no mean feat, but some people seem to have a gift.

Speaking at a Storehouse Dallas Church women's conference, Boenhead prayed for Joe Biden’s death: “May his days be few and another take his office.” The Christofascist crowd cheered.

One Bad Turn Deserves Another

Lauren Boebert deserves to be in a better place. Surely this world is not meant for her. Perhaps a nice farm upstate, where she can frolic in the snow...or maybe some quicksand. When I think about what Jesus might do if he was face-to-face with this blaspheming mongrel, I am reminded of a scene from Billy Jack:

Before hitting ‘play’ imagine the fat cracker is Boebert

And while you’re at it, recall Nancy Pelosi’s immortal words while under siege during the Donald Trump* Stop-The-Election Insurrection of January 6, 2021: “I’m gonna punch him out, and I’m gonna go to jail and I’m gonna be happy.”

Many people would have paid good money to see this

__________________________________________________
* who now, in the congressional record has been labeled a “pussy ass bitch”

The Guess Who - American Woman

Freak out…

I mean, Peace Out.

This has been your Paying Attention™ Fraught For The Day.

You're welcome.

What has you fraught for the day?

Movie Night at Paying Attention™

Paying Attention™ - Not Just An Angry Face

February 12, 2023

For those of you looking for something, anything to do other than watch large men risk bodily injury while providing each other with grist for their brain injury mills, we offer you oodles of fake fun for the whole family.

We are not just about incisive, hard-hitting, relentless coverage of freakish current events here at Paying Attention™. We have also tried to bring you high quality entertainment over the years. 

It all began with our non-selling classic Son of A Bunch – the semi-fictitious biography of the man who was supposed to be the worst president in the history of the United States. Unfortunately, that title was all-too-quickly usurped by a joke-candidate, who went on to become a not-so-funny joke-president, who almost ended democracy in America, despite plagiarizing Ronald Reagan’s Make-America-Great-Again slogan and Orwellianizing it beyond anyone’s most horrifying nightmares.

This was followed by lighter output like I. Mangrey’s children’s books Goodnight Goon:

and Donald and The Very, Very Large Uh-Brain:

We have also brought you discoveries like Orange Dregs and Scam by Dr. Sues:

And the anonymously written Bill Barr, the story of a man-elephant-sycophant who sells his tiny little soul to a soulless orange-colored miscreant hell-bent of making America his personal cash-cow:

We also dabbled in documentaries like the immensely unpopular (though not nearly as unpopular as its subjects) documentaries Whites Gone Wild, detailing anti-Semitic/racist white folks marching through the streets with torches, in support of Robert E. Lee, and chanting “Jews will not replace us!” in Twenty-Fucking-Seventeen – and with the explicit support of the president of the United States. This was followed by Girls Gone Stupid, which recounts the epileptic exploits of two dimwitted damsels who thanks to the spoils of gerrymandering became members of Congress, behaving like unsupervised children on meth, raised by brain-damaged monkeys, at the State of The Union address.

And even a non-existent movie scavenged from a dumpster behind a condemned crackhouse, produced by the likes of none other than repeatedly-convicted felon and Stalin fanboy Stephen Bannon – Being Nowhere:

And the long-unawaited refake of the great Peter Sellers classic, featuring a cast of losers unlike any seen in nearly 100 years:

Our latest effort follows the comical trials and tribulations of an unfortunate boob who thinks himself a statesman, but ends up giving up everything he owns – including his spine, his balls and control of most motor functions – in order to pretend to be the leader of his group of goofballs, goons and human gewgaws in the 118^th Congress. Hilarity, horror and horrific honkies ensue as the House of Reprehensibles perpetrates an insurrection against itself. Think Fight Club…only much dumber.

This Kevin doesn’t stand a chance against the dumbass crooks and crumb-bums attempting to take over his House…in fact, he already handed them the keys, the security codes and the good silver.

Unfortunately, our beloved reality TV project remains on hold, but you might make your day a little brighter just imagining all the fun you hope to have watching the soon-to-be record-breaking, Emmy-winning, must-see

At long last, are you not entertained?

Special Paying Attention™ Feature - This Day In American History

Vice Presidents Behaving Badly

Seventeen years ago on this day, then vice-president, torture enthusiast and traitor Dick "Elmer Fudd" Cheney shot his hunting partner during a drunken "hunting" expedition. Cheney ultimately got an apology from his victim, so it could not have gone better for Cheney. We present the story in its original font.

Cheney Bags Birds And Blasts Buckshot Into Buddy's Brain

Corpus Christi, TX
February 13, 2006 

Two days ago Dick Cheney was enjoying his favorite pastime - hunting defenseless, essentially caged birds.  It should come as no surprise that the man who pushed for pro-torture legislation takes pleasure in this type of leisure pursuit.  It is, after all, much more enjoyable than shooting fish in a barrel for a man like Cheney who loves to hobble around with his rifle in one hand and his cane in the other, determined to enjoy life to the fullest (in this case by murdering harmless and defenseless little creatures for the fun of it) before his semi-bionic heart explodes into a million pieces. At least this activity provides the illusion that the birds are actually live, wild animals (sort of like Cheney himself).  No matter that these poor birds are starved for several weeks with fishing weights strapped to their legs, have just the right percentage of their feathers coated with crude oil rendering them all-but-flightless and are basically raised as captives in a fenced in area on the ranch of a prominent neo-conservative.  

Unfortunately, on this particular occasion, Cheney did not have Antonin Scalia accompanying him.  This is believed to be because there were no active court cases involving Cheney on which Scalia might be presiding.  Instead, Cheney was “hunting” with Harry Whittington, an Austin lawyer and Bush appointee who presumably was helping Cheney with his legal defense in the Valerie Plame case.  Testimony from Lewis I “Scooter” Libby that Cheney told him to out Plame was made public just days before this “hunting” trip.   Valerie Plame was an undercover CIA expert on Middle East WMDs whose identity was made public as retaliation against her husband and life-long Republican, Joseph Wilson who had the nerve to speak out against certain actions (lies actually) by the administration.  

It is also possible that Whittington was helping Cheney with other issues since he serves on the Texas state Funeral Services Commission.  It is not actually known in which capacity Whittington was invited to join Cheney in his sporting foray.  It is suspected that the unfortunate Whittington may have given the Veep some unacceptable advice at just the wrong moment, causing the ever-unstable Cheney to clutch at his chest while forgetting momentarily that he was wielding a shotgun, which unfortunately discharged into the face and upper body of the unwitting Whittington. 

Wittington and Cheney - seen here showing what to him passes for remorse

It is also possible that Cheney just likes shooting people in the face.  

As one would expect, the Vice-president not only blamed his victim for the alleged mishap, but Cheney neglected to report the incident to authorities until well into the day after the shooting.  It is believed that Cheney needed this time to consult with lawyers on whether it would be best to simply dispose of the body or if there was some way to spin the whole event to make it look benign or perhaps even a positive situation to prove what a manly, take-charge kind of guy Cheney really is.  It also seems likely that Cheney wanted to sober up before speaking to authorities. 

Once it was determined that Whittington should be allowed to live, Cheney decided to have his personal medical team bring Whittington back to consciousness and a level of awareness and physical ability wherein he could sign a series of waivers absolving Cheney of any responsibility in the alleged incident.  In fact, the incident remained a secret until Katharine Armstrong, the owner of the ranch told a local paper of the occurrence.  Fortunately, Mr. Cheney was unarmed when he heard that Armstrong “spilled the beans to those M*&%$# F*$#@%&s in the F*&^%$ing media.” 

Although it is certainly tragic that a relatively innocent person has been shot, we all knew it was only a matter of time before Cheney started shooting people personally.  He was perhaps the single most determined, vocal and dishonest supporter of the illegal invasion of Iraq and has been very jealous of all those lucky soldiers in Iraq who get to shoot, torture and generally kick ass every single day as they make their way through the merry minefield that is Iraq.  

It is well known that Cheney now regrets having gotten those five deferments (apparently he thought it would look better on his record to have more deferments than DUIs) that kept him safely out of harm’s way during Viet Nam when it was his turn to serve the country he says he cares so much about.  He never realized what unbridled fun it could actually be to shoot ‘em up.  In fact, on a previous hunting-of-defenseless-birds outing, the Veep and his party of ten (none of whom were shot by Cheney as far as we know) killed 417 out of 500 hapless creatures before passing out drunk and exhausted while having Cheney’s medical team tend to their horrendously blistered trigger fingers.  Cheney has vowed never to go hunting with “that f*&^ing idiot Whittington who doesn’t even have the f%*&ing sense to keep his stupid f*&$ing face away from the business end of my f*&^ing rifle” again.

I. Mangrey, repeating.

Schmuck Of The Day Redux

Cloudy With A Chance Of Shitheads

February 9, 2023

Empty G recently whined to an interviewer:

Becoming a member of Congress has made my life miserable.

Really!? How the hell do you think we feel, having to see and hear you?

She droned on

I made a lot more money before I got here. I've lost money since I've gotten here.

Really!? So $174,000/year for throwing a 24/7 tantrum, hurting people’s brains and supporting the overthrow of our government is putting a strain on you? Maybe you haven’t heard, but your job description is “public service.” I will now break out the world’s tiniest violin for you, and then a full-size bass fiddle to go El Kabong on your dumb ass.

But wait, there’s moron

I have people come up to me and say crazy things to me out of the blue, in public places, that they believe because they read it on the Internet or saw it on some news show about me.

Does the name Qanon ring a bell? Can this twit (not the word I really wanted to use) even hear herself mewl? Talk about the pot calling the kettle fucked up in the head.

So, it's not a life that I think like something that I enjoy because I don't enjoy it.

Only the IQ-less knuckle-draggers who voted for you could possibly be enjoying this. Feel free to pack up your shit and get the fuck out of DC. What a maroon.

Marge and her fellow unravelers acted like demented monkeys...no, that's not right, more like whatever monkeys evolved from. Monkeys are cool. And smart. The Georgia Screech could not even behave as well as a teenager on meth during Joe Biden's State of The Union address the other night. Marge and a number of her buds acted like a bunch of drunks at a cock fight, yelling, booing and denying reality at every turn.

Dressed as what can best be described as a bleached hairball, Empty G should refrain from opening the hole above her chin. If not for our sake, then for hers. Nothing good has ever come from that mouth.

Idiot Wind: Empty G expelling IQ points

After feeling ever so clever by carrying around a large white balloon prior to the SOTU, malodorous Marge dressed as a the famous White Balloon at the speech (ob-seen above). Many people are upset that the Pentagon did not shoot her down as a precaution.

Bob Dylan - Idiot Wind

I am not saying the following to be rude or mean, just accurate. Empty G is one seriously fucked up motherfucker.

This has been your Paying Attention™ Schmuck Of The Day. Fuck yeah.

Schmuck Of The Day

State Of The Morons

February 8, 2022

Last night was Joe Biden’s third State of The Union address. Literally half the room was in their happy place while the other half were a bunch of miserable hate-mongers who are only happy when they are crushing poor people, giving our tax dollars and tax breaks to the very richest among us, disenfranchising voters they don’t like, trampling the rights of women, minorities and members of the LGBTQ community, destroying the environment and trying to make America an autocracy where any election they lose was stolen. Watching the antics of some of these hysterical hyenas before and during the address was absolutely nauseating.

Watching The Weasels Go Round And Round

Democrats never heckle asshole Ratpublican presidents when they spew their bullshit (except when the last guy mentioned awarding the Medal of Freedom to hate-monger Rush Limbaugh), but classless Ratpublican fuckwits cannot keep their fat, ignorant mouths shut. Whether it be punk representatives, dumb-ass senators, disgraceful Supreme Court justices or as we saw last night, the new speaker of the House Kevin McQarthy mouthing “not true” about something Biden said that was absolutely true. And some of McQarthy’s minions/overlords blamed Biden for the thousands of Fentanyl deaths in America. Huh?

For the most part, I always try to keep a civil tongue and focus on the facts, not the fuckheads. For the slightly-less part, I am woefully unsuccessful at this. Maybe if there were fewer fucking assholes barraging us with bullshit, racism, hatred, guns and flagrant lying, I might stand a chance.

Classless assholes at the 2022 SOTU acting like tots at recess

For now, let me be clear about the creature whose name is difficult to get right. Is it Marjorie Taylor Goon? Or Marjorie Traitor Greene? Or Marjorie Taylor Groan? Or Marjorie Taylor Greene-No-More (her husband dumped her)? Perhaps it would be better to stick with her new nickname: Empty G…at least I’m pretty sure this is how she’s known on social media.

Empty G once again wasting valuable oxygen

Somebody please plug that hole

This sniveling little shit-weasel (who now owns the useless balls of the most ineffectual, ignorant, dim-witted speaker of the House in American history), who along with her darker-haired doppelganger Lauren Boebert acted like coked-up whack-jobs at the last SOTU, apparently thinks it would be a good idea and/or funny – for some reason apparently only dogs can hear – to bring a white balloon to this year’s gathering. One assumes she used the hot air between her ears to fill the ridiculous replica.

Not being sexist, I will call this a dick pic

And once again, we saw this ignorant shit mouthing off during the SOTU. She needs to STFU. Here’s a better version of Empty G’s attempt at humor

fuck Empty G

Sorry, not sure why

I. Mangrey this morning.

This has been your Paying Attention™ Schmuck Of The Day. Fuck yeah.

Nevertheless, She Existed

Laurrrrennn!

February 6, 2022

I think I may be in love with Lauren Boebert.

Spoiler Alert: No fucking way!

Oops. What I meant to say is I think Lauren Boebert is a brainless, narcissistic, pathetic, white-trash child who should be in a mental institution under constant supervision and heavy medication.

Either that or a member of the Ratpublican House caucus circus.

The Colorado cretin raised up on her hind legs and railed against the continued existence of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, for the record, on the House floor. “ATF. Alcohol, tobacco and firearms. In western Colorado, we call that a fun weekend. But D.C. bureaucrats have used this agency to infringe on the rights of the American people.”

Boebert also showed her world-class lack of smarts or humanity by adding, “Gun-free zones are the most dangerous places in our country.” Hmmm, I was thinking that was the space between your ears.

But Wait, There’s More...

Unconvinced that she had made her stunning assholery crystal clear, she persisted, “A recent report states that Americans own 46 percent of the world's guns. I think we need to get our numbers up, boys and girls.” Unfortunately, thanks to people like Boebert, Taylor (no-longer)Greene, McQarthy, Santos and their fellow unravelers, Americans own only 2 percent of the world’s brain power.

For the record, Americans make up around four percent of the world’s population, with more than 120 guns per 100 people. How’s that working out so far?

AR-15pinheads

Several GQP members of Congress were seen sporting AR-15 lapel pins.

GQP Rep. (and gun store owner) Andrew Clyde (R-GA) admitted

to being the supplier of these lapel pins of mass ignorance

And look, here’s the lying fuckwit calling himself George Santos (this week) -

seen here wondering why God made him such a worthless piece of shit -

desperately trying to make friends in Congress with his very own AR-15 pin

This has been a Paying Attention™ Special Broken News report.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled disbelief.