Donald Trump:
International Man Of Misery
March 6, 2026
Not to beat a dead
president, but what the fuck is wrong with this guy? Every time he opens his
face sphincter he says the most insane thing you’ve ever heard. Why aren’t
those nice young men in their clean white coats coming to take him away? And where the fuck are those
Donald Trump Memorial Epstein Files ?
This has been your Paying Attention™ Headline Of The Day.
March 6, 2026
In one of the least
shocking updates in Broken News history, Paying Attention™ has learned that Donald
Jeffrey Epstein Trump did in fact not only approve of Noem’s $200-million-dollar
ad campaign, it was his (probably Stephen Miller’s) idea. Homeland Security
Secretary said he instructed her to make ads that “thank me for closing the
border.” Noem proudly disclosed this in public at last year’s CPAP –
Conservative Pimps And Prostitutes (or something) – gathering.
Noem described how
Trump said he didn’t want to be in the ads himself. According to Noem his idea
was, “I want you in the ads, and I want your face in the ads … but I want the
first ad, I want you to thank me. I want you to thank me for closing the
border.”
It is sadly
predictable that most of the media immediately believed Trump’s denial that he
knew anything about the ads. Don’t get me wrong, it is proven fact that Kristi
Noem is a sleazy, self-promoting, lying sack of shit. But, it is even more
certain than the Sun rising in the east and setting in the west every single
day, without fail – at least until our Solar System ceases to be – that every
single word out of Trump’s foul-smelling, decaying, sphincter-like-mouth is
more full of shit than one of his mid-day diapers.
The smart money is
on somehow both of them lying.
This has been a Paying Attention™ Broken News un-Shocking UPDATE.
We now return you to your regularly scheduled arts and crafts.
Bye, Bye Murdery
March 6, 2026
Trump has fired Kristi Noem, who faithfully carried out Trump’s campaign of terror and murder on the streets of America. Before getting fired, she was fried and fricasseed by a parade of Dems on the House Judiciary Committee. She was not fired because agents from her department executed Renee Nicole Good and Alex Pretti, or because she called these two completely innocent American citizens “domestic terrorists” after they were killed.
It is possible that Noem was removed because (probably among many other things) she lied under oath about Trump approving a $200M ad campaign featuring and promoting herself, OR, because she told the truth about Trump approving the ads and Trump threw her under the bus by lying that he did not approve the expenses. Also, Noem was too often pulling the cameras away from Der Leader. Lucky for Cricket...I mean Kristi, Trump didn't have her taken out to the gravel pit and shot.
The Best And The Blightest
Noem will be replaced by someone, if this is actually
possible, though clearly it seems to be, considerably dumber, yet equally
devoid of any pertinent experience other than a seemingly endless supply of Trump
ass-kissing. That special someone is Sen. Markwayne Mullin (R-OK). Mullin talks as though he has served in the
military; he never did. Before soiling the halls of Congress he was a plumber
and a mixed martial arts fighter. Mullin challenged Teamsters president Sean O’Brien
to fight during a 2023 Senate hearing. Mullin literally popped up out of
his seat, believing he had the legal right to assault the witness. The senator has of late been battling with the likes of John Kennedy,
Tommy Tuberville, Ron Johnson and Lindsey Graham for dumbest fuck in the United
States Senate.
Mullin – squinting because
absolutely everything is too bright for him
Presumably, based on the giddy excitement Dumb Donald
experienced at receiving the completely made-up-just-for-him FIFA Peace Prize,
just weeks before starting World War III – the ultimate in FIFA peace prizing,
or what FIFA denizens might refer to as an ‘own goal’ – Donald made up a whole
new department for Noem to head up so both of them can paint this as a
promotion, as opposed to the unmitigated failure Noem has been. And no, this
new, imaginary position is not National Dog Catcher/Killer. It is something
called Special Envoy for the Shield of the Americas. Whatever. The. Fuck. That.
Is.
Rep. Jared Moskowitz*
As Rep. Jared Moskowitz (D-FL) explained, Kristi Noem, who
Moskowitz described as the worst secretary of Homeland Security since its
inception after 9/11, “literally took the president’s core issue on
immigration, which he was polling at sixty percent in September, and got that
down to thirty-nine percent. She exceeded all expectations on doing that by
having two Americans shot, one in the face and one in the back under her
leadership.” Moskowitz went on describing how Noem has destroyed FEMA and perpetrated
untold corruption during her tenure.
Surely, Mullin can bring that thirty-nine percent down to
single digits in no time.
Mullin, during a recent press gaggle outside the Capitol,
referred to Trump’s war in Iran as a “war”. He insisted it was others, not
he, who called it a war. A reporter immediately reminded – or more likely made Mullin aware for
the first time – that he had just referred to the war as a “war”. Mullin said
it must have been “a misspoke”.
I rest my case.
__________________________________________________
*Cricket was Noem’s dog that she
bragged about shooting to death for being a dog.
I. Mangrey reporting. You're probably wondering why I'm here.
There have been 200 warnings regarding 60 radical
Christian fundamentalists (including some who are pushing for The Rapture) from
U.S. military personnel stationed at fifty or more military installations.
Who’s
return to Earth? Trump’s?
According
to one complaint, the above quoted commander “had a big grin on his fact when he
said all of this, which made his message seem even ore crazy.”
So,
let me get this straight – there are dozens of Brigadier General Jack D.
Rippers leading our troops in the field? If they start on about their precious
bodily fluids it’s game over.
Armageddon Pretty Sick Of This
Lest you get the idea that, well, it’s only 60
(or so) crazed radical fundamentalist officers spouting cultish Christian
Armageddon talk to the troops, put away any nearby sharp objects before reading
on.
According to reports, Secretary of
Defenestration, who has been drooling on about “war fighters” and “maximum
lethality” and such, has enshrined Evangelical Christianity at the uppermost
levels of the U.S. military. He has been airing monthly prayer meetings
throughout the Pentagon. Dry-drunk Pete also attends weekly Remains of The
White House Bible study. The classes are led by a preacher who says God
commands the United States to support Israel.
Jaw drop.
We’ll meet again…don’t
know where, don’t know when
________________________________________________
*If you are not familiar with Gen. Ripper, you
need to be.
This has been your Paying Attention™ Fraught For The Day.
Hiding The Incriminating Epstein Files
Fredonia America Is Going To War!!
March 5, 2026
After meeting with Vice President JD Vance on February 27,
2026, Oman’s Foreign Minister Badr Al Busaidi – a key mediator in the U.S.-Iran
nuclear talks said this
“I am confident, and in my assessment of the way the talks
are going, that a peace deal is within our reach.”
Rubio, taking his head out of
Trump’s ass to squeak to reporters
Marco Rubio, March 2, 2026:
“We knew that there was going to be an Israeli action. We knew that that would
precipitate an attack against American forces, and we knew that if we didn’t
pre-emptively go after them before they launched those attacks, we would suffer
higher casualties.”
Trump decided it would be best
to announce his war during the
only hours he is fully awake – between midnight and 4:00 am.
He was literally and figuratively in
the dark. He still is.
Lying-self-described peace president Trump, March 3, 2026:
Observe this question and asshole…
Reporter: Did Israel force your hand to launching
strikes against Iran? Did Netanyahu pull the United States into this war?
Dumbass: No, I might have forced their hand… It was
my opinion* that they were going to attack first. They were going to attack if
we didn’t do it.** They were going to attack first. I felt strongly about that…
So if anything, I might have forced Israel’s hand. But Israel was ready, and we
were ready…
Trump told ABC News “I got him before he got me. They tried
twice…I got him first.” (actual fucking quote)
New York Times, February 28, 2026:
Who you gonna
believe, your lyin’ eyes or Trump’s lyin’ mouth?
Hegseth in drunkier
times, showing off his lovely Nazi-themed tat
Pete Beersbreath, March 2, 2026: “This is not a
so-called regime change war, but the regime sure did change.”*** George Orwell
is kvelling in his grave.
Orwell, out!
Pete Beersbreath, March 2, 2026: “This is not Iraq.”
This is the first thing this dumb cracker has gotten right,
probably since birth. I’m sorry, I know I should just be grateful he knows
that.
Marco Rubio, March 3, 2026:
Rubio, shoving his head right
back into Trump’s ass after a very brief respite
A Shah In The Dark
Though the timing of this war instigation is highly suspect
(Just kidding, the timing is unmitigated perfidy), many people are saying,
though not really that many, attacking Iran, the biggest state sponsor of
terrorism around the world, was a long time coming. But let us not forget how and
why these Ayatollahs came to power in 1979.
Oh, And This
Question For The Day
When are these fucking assholes going to get their lies
straight?
Bonus Question:
Seriously, when?
Trump is not satisfied watching Americans die at his hand here at home, so he decided he wants to see them die at his hand overseas: KIA count: 6
______________________________________________
*Note to self and everyone
else: His opinion went counter to all intelligence (in every sense of the word)
and advice.
**You just said that you demented cantaloupe.
***Yeah, because of the war you started you fucking dry-drunk-dipshit. Somebody
get this knuckle-dragger a drink. And make it a double. With a twist of
hemlock.
This has been your Paying Attention™ Question For The
Day.
Thank you South Park
Liar, Liar, Iran's On Fire
March 4, 2026
So, once again, the American public is lied into a war of
choice, this time by a president of Russia's choice.
The Fascist/Trump/Epstein administration’s excuses for
launching what will very likely go down, and I mean down, as the dumbest war in
American history, are as varied, dishonest and pathetic as George WTF Bush’s
ever-changing, ever-elusive reasons for illegally invading Iraq in 2003. The
only real surprise is that Donnie Do-Bad did not open with MISSION ACCOPLISHED
before the first bombs were dropped. That might be that he almost immediately
lost interest in the whole war thing because he was too busy picking out the curtains
for his room for balls.
Der Furor told the American people the war would be over in
two days, maybe four-to-five weeks, or possibly longer. Or maybe just until
everyone forgets about the
Donald Trump
Memorial Epstein Files
Not only that, but the U.S. military is quickly running out
of ammunition. Wait? What? I was sure we gave the Pentagon almost all of our
tax dollars, except for the $175 billion set aside for Trump’s ICE ICE death
squads. What the fuck are they doing with all that money that they don’t have
enough to build up weapons stockpiles? I mean, how much did AA dropout Pete
Hegseth’s make-up suite at the Pentagon actually cost? Maybe we just need more
tax dollars. Oh wait, most of America’s tax dollars were meant to come from
those with all the fucking money, much of which they got from the endless,
repeated tax cuts that the Un-democratic Party keep handing them.
So, when we run out of munitions, do we just start throwing
bodies at the Iranians? Speaking of which, there are already six unnecessarily
dead Americans (not to mention the hundred dead Iranian schoolgirls, and
hundreds of other civilians). But don’t worry, Trump is okay with that, and
told us “Sadly, there will likely be more before it ends. That’s the way it is.
Likely be more. Did I mention the new curtains? They’re gold.”* I highly
recommend a sudden epidemic of bone spurs.
Perhaps even worse than running out of munitions, we risk
running out of excuses, I mean justifications, never mind, I mean excuses for
starting this war.
And remember those incredibly low gas prices Trump lied
about giving us? Well, even those did exist, you can all kiss that shit
good-bye.
You can bet it’s not just curtains for Trump’s pathetic
balls room.
_____________________________________________
*It’s possible he didn’t add
the part about the curtains just then. But he did actually wax pathetic about
them while discussing his illegal war-of-choice and those who almost
immediately were killed in it.
I.
Mangrey reporting.
It’s 2026. Do You Know Where Your Country Is?
March 3, 2026
Today, we present the question right up front,
followed by the set-up. Hey, it’s a topsy-turvy world folks. Just trying to fit
in.
Today’s Question For The Day:
How did we get here?
A few
weeks ago, my aunt, my mother’s younger sister, who was born in Belgium in 1938
and landed at Ellis Island along with her parents in 1951 (one year after my
mother immigrated), often talks politics with me. We regularly commiserate
about the current state of despairs. During that recent chat she asked, “How
did we get here?”
In a way, it’s a pretty straight line from Jump Street to Trump Street. Day One, almost 300 years before anyone dreamed of America, the worst immigrants ever to reach these shores began murdering millions and millions of the land’s original inhabitants and taking their land. Then more millions were dragged here from their homes across the ocean and treated worse than animals. Neither one of these crimes against humanity has really ended to this day. And we have never, as a nation, attempted to make amends or reparations or apologize.
It has
been said the Hitler’s concentration camps were modeled after America’s Indian
reservation system. American returned the compliment by creating Japanese
internment camps, and now, the Fascist/Trump/Epstein regime is trying to build
concentration camps for mostly innocent immigrants.
Yet
people keep saying, “This is not who we are.” Donald Trump and his fascist
fuckwits are not who we are. Well guess what, despite all the sick, criminal,
seditious, insane, dementia-addled shit Trump has perpetrated upon this nation
and the world, there are still more than one third of Americans, along with 52
senators and 218 House members, and very consistently six Supreme Court
justices, who continue to all-but-literally (as far as we know) kiss his ass.
And now, for your viewing pleasure, our Duh Leader has dishonestly, unnecessarily, illegally and thoughtlessly started a war with Iran. Even if there had been anything resembling long-range planning for this conflagration, one look at the un-brain trust running the show – Kristi Noem, Kash Patel, Tulsi Gabbard, Pete Hegseth (who assured us there will be “no stupid rules of engagement”), Nosferatu Miller and of course Double Dementia Don,* and you can see where this thing is going. Straight to fucking hell.
How and when can we be somewhere else?
_____________________________________________
*Don’t even get me started on the 22-year-old intern with no national
security experience, whose prior work experience included landscaping and
working in a grocery store, who is currently in charge of terrorism prevention.
This has been your Paying Attention™ Question For The Day.
March 2, 2026
I’m
here in the basement of our non-existent secure, undisclosed location,
turntable at the ready, with my new burner phone. Give us a holler and pick out
a tune.
I
the DJ: Let’s hit the ground spinning and take our first call. And who do we
have on the line?
Caller:
Hi, just call me Silence Dogood, first time caller.
I
the DJ: Hi Silence. What’s your request and who are you dedicating it to? We’re
here to make it happen.
Caller:
I would love to hear one of my favorite bands. Kind of the Mothers of Invention
of Australia. I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone else who has heard of this
group – more of a musical collective, really, who performed in one form or
another from the mid-60s until the late ‘90s. After all the original members
had passed, a new generation of players took up the torch and name of GONG. I
want to dedicate this to the memory of Renee Nicole Good, to the memory of Alex
Pretti, to all those dead at the hands of Trump’s death squads, to all those
brutally assaulted for looking not-white-enough. And I want to dedicate this to
the memory of freedom in America, a memory I truly hope can find a way to rise
from the fascist ash heap Trump is turning this country into. I also want this
to go out to my most long-time anti-fascist friend – Stu Dent.
I.:
Well Silence, this is your lucky day. Gong is a huge favorite around here –
they had us at Floating Anarchy – and we’re happy for any excuse to put them on
the air. By the way, wasn’t Silence Dogood one of Ben Franklin’s pseudonyms?
Silence:
Excellent. And, yes. I’d rather try to stay under the radar, and hail of
bullets currently blanketing much of America. I am terrified of the mobs of
Trump’s ICE ICE animals terrorizing our streets.
Send us your requests and dedications and
we’ll get ‘em on the air.
He Is Become Death
March 2, 2026
“The War Department (not its real name) will not be
distracted by democracy-building interventionism, undefined wars, regime
change, climate change, woke moralizing and feckless nation building.”
AA dropout Pete Hegseth, December 6, 2025
For those keeping score, Trump’s current democracy-building
interventionism in Iran is an undefined war, the stated purpose of which is
regime change and feckless nation building. But who’s counting?
In the wake of Trump’s burgeoning mental decompensation,
coupled with his rape-y, racist, raging fascism and desire for total world
domination, our allies across the globe are horrified. Trump addressed, mostly
scolded the assembled international movers and shakers at the World Economic
Forum 2026 in Davos, Switzerland on January 21 of this year. He told those
assembled, in reference to Greenland, “I won’t use force.”
Unsurprisingly, just days after telling the Davos attendees that
he would not use force, Damaged Don wheezed this...
“We can do anything we want, we can do military, we can do
anything we want. And it’s being negotiated, and let’s see what happens… I’ll
let you know in about two weeks.”
Hmmm, isn’t two weeks the amount of time we were to wait for
him to repeal and replace Obamacare? Ten years ago? And every two weeks since
then?
Later that same month, UK Prime Minister Starmer had some
choice words regarding Damaged Don’s insane statement, completely divorced from
reality, that NATO never sent troops to Afghanistan:
“I consider president Trump’s comments to be insulting and
frankly, appalling.”
Those are two very good and accurate adjectives to describe
Trump’s babbling bullshit. Not the best words necessarily, but they’ll do. For
now.
All of the above was apparently prelude to the gutless,
draft-dodging worm Trump’s illegal, ill-advised, soon-to-be-disastrous bombing
of Iran, dubbed Operation Epic Failure, or Epic Furry, or something like that.
Three U.S. troops have already been killed thanks to Trump’s
stupid, illegal, and soon-to-be-disastrous bombing of Iran. Those three are
like the dead soldiers Trump called “suckers and losers”. Der Furor promised
(on social media, you know, as president do) to avenge those deaths, vowing to
take out the responsible party. Someone get that man a mirror.
To paraphrase former Secretary of State John Kerry, during
his 1971 testimony to Congress, “How do you ask a man to be the first man to
die for a mistake?”
Trump presumably wants to bomb Iran until it looks like the
East Wing of the White House. Trump is once again using America’s military might
as his personal plaything and dragging our allies into harm’s way for the war
of choice he needs for his Epstein File cover-up and his desperate plot to
suspend the November midterm elections that threaten to put Trump in his place.
We are awaiting a sternly worded letter from Trump’s brand
new, Trump-Brand attempt to replace NATO, Bored of Peace. This should be interesting given that Iran is
the seventh country Trump has bombed since taking office eleven months ago.* If this doesn't get him a Nobel Peace Prize, I don't know what will (unless more people gift him theirs).
___________________________________________________
*Not including his bombing of
the White House East Wing.
I. Mangrey reporting.
