Wednesday, January 20, 2021

I Feel A Four-Years-Long Wave Of Nausea Finally Ebbing

Go To Russia. We Love You Leaving. You’re Very Special.

January 20, 2021, Later that same morning

As most of a nation in tatters prepares to rid itself of a living lesion by inaugurating its 46th President Joe Biden, can you imagine, if (GULP) Trump had won in November, trying to talk him out of insisting on having the biggest crowd ever to attend a swearing in on hand to bask in his gory*?

Trump is planning to run for president again though he should be planning to go to prison, but that’s okay. He has not yet decided whether he should take another stab at becoming Russia’s president of the United States, or to go right to the source and run in Russia next time. On his way out the door today, it appears that Trump is trying to declassify sensitive information regarding Russia, information the intelligence community has classified as too sensitive to publicize. One last stroking of Putin’s whatever before sore winner, sore loser, generally festering sore Trump oozes out of office.

Stephen Miller has already drafted Trump’s first Russia First stump speech. Another Paying Attention exclusive, just for you:

“There’s no way I can lose to Vicious Vlad. I like to call him Little Lenin, since he loves the Beatles so much…well that’s what people are telling me. What the hell has he ever done for you? All he ever did was help me make America great again. Is that what you paid him to do? Make America great? America sucks. I should know. I’m the one who tried to destroy America and its very fake, very weak and stupid democracy. Puny Putin – I sometimes call him that – thought I was going to make America great and still he helped me get elected, bigly. Let him show everyone the pee-pee tape. See if I care. If he’s not careful, I’ll grab hm by the pussy. They let you do that in America by the way and if you want to be able to do that here, then vote Trump. I alone can fix everything. Very easily. I can make your dishwashers and showers very strong and powerful. I can make your toilets flush like nothing you’ve ever seen before and that’s no shit.”

*Not a typo

I. Mangrey keeping it real.

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