She Shoots Dogs (And Goats And Horses) Don’t She
April 30, 2024
Governor Kristi Noem (P*-SD) in her new memoir No Going
Back related a story she really needn’t have told. Noem is angling for the
VP spot in the dystopian second Trump administration. Noem is widely regarded
to be on the short list but may have just shot her way to the shit list after
her callous, brazen admission. Though Trump undoubtedly found the story either touching
or meaningless, many people are saying it is simply despicable and heartless –
two other plusses in Trump’s mind.
She said the 14-month-old puppy was unmanageable, would not
listen to unreason and acted like a “trained assassin.” One cannot help but
wonder who trained her.
Noem wanted to make sure everyone reading her book really understood just what kind of person she was and is. She called the dog “untrainable” and “dangerous to anyone she came in contact with” adding, “I hated that dog.” It seems more than likely that the feeling was mutual. Unfortunately, Cricket was unarmed. As usual Noem could just as easily been talking about herself. Projection, thy name is Republican.
Noem claimed the puppy was named Cricket, but our imaginary
sources have learned that she had in fact named the little girl Kick-it, which
may have had something to do with how she treated the dog before happily
blowing its brains out in a gravel pit. It is believed that Noem immediately
removed its heart, ate it and then roasted the remainder in front of her
cowering children. We also learned that Noem claimed to have been very upset at
having to murder her pet, but quickly found a new one and was reportedly distraught
that the new puppy was perfectly well-behaved.
Why couldn’t she just have strapped the dog to the roof of her
car like normal Republicans.
After shooting her dog, Noem writes that she also killed a
goat her family owned that she calls “nasty and mean.” Reading further, one
learns that Noem was livid because the animal was behaving like…a goat. One hopes
her children learned to be potty trained in a timely manner. However, it will
be interesting to see how Noem responds when Trump starts behaving like Trump
in her presence.
Noem believes that the only thing this story shows is that
she knows how to make the tough decisions and that she is courageous enough to
do what needs to be done herself. You know, like giving up a distressed animal
to someone willing to take the trouble to rehabilitate it.
Guardin' Noem
Did we mention that Noem has been banned from numerous
Indian reservations in her state after she claimed that some tribal leaders were profiting from drug dealing, “personally
benefiting from the cartels” and questioning their commitments to children on
reservations.
In response to the tsunamic backlash she has received for
needlessly murdering her puppy, Noem has changed the title of her guaranteed least-selling
book, on the eve of its release, to No Going Forward.
We at Paying Attention™ just have one question: Was she a bitch? Uh,
excuse us Governor Noem, we were talking to the dog.
_____________________________________________
*Psycho Party
The staff at Paying Attention™
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