Tuesday, April 30, 2024

A Girl And Her (Dead) Dog

She Shoots Dogs (And Goats And Horses) Don’t She

April 30, 2024

Governor Kristi Noem (P*-SD) in her new memoir No Going Back related a story she really needn’t have told. Noem is angling for the VP spot in the dystopian second Trump administration. Noem is widely regarded to be on the short list but may have just shot her way to the shit list after her callous, brazen admission. Though Trump undoubtedly found the story either touching or meaningless, many people are saying it is simply despicable and heartless – two other plusses in Trump’s mind.

She said the 14-month-old puppy was unmanageable, would not listen to unreason and acted like a “trained assassin.” One cannot help but wonder who trained her.

Noem wanted to make sure everyone reading her book really understood just what kind of person she was and is. She called the dog “untrainable” and “dangerous to anyone she came in contact with” adding, “I hated that dog.” It seems more than likely that the feeling was mutual. Unfortunately, Cricket was unarmed. As usual Noem could just as easily been talking about herself. Projection, thy name is Republican.

Noem claimed the puppy was named Cricket, but our imaginary sources have learned that she had in fact named the little girl Kick-it, which may have had something to do with how she treated the dog before happily blowing its brains out in a gravel pit. It is believed that Noem immediately removed its heart, ate it and then roasted the remainder in front of her cowering children. We also learned that Noem claimed to have been very upset at having to murder her pet, but quickly found a new one and was reportedly distraught that the new puppy was perfectly well-behaved.

Why couldn’t she just have strapped the dog to the roof of her car like normal Republicans.

Noem, seen here signing doggie death warrants in the shadow of
infamous dog murderer Michael Vick (who at least apologized in the end)

After shooting her dog, Noem writes that she also killed a goat her family owned that she calls “nasty and mean.” Reading further, one learns that Noem was livid because the animal was behaving like…a goat. One hopes her children learned to be potty trained in a timely manner. However, it will be interesting to see how Noem responds when Trump starts behaving like Trump in her presence.

Noem believes that the only thing this story shows is that she knows how to make the tough decisions and that she is courageous enough to do what needs to be done herself. You know, like giving up a distressed animal to someone willing to take the trouble to rehabilitate it.

Noem seen here responding to anti-dog-killers

Guardin' Noem

Did we mention that Noem has been banned from numerous Indian reservations in her state after she claimed that some tribal leaders were profiting from drug dealing, “personally benefiting from the cartels” and questioning their commitments to children on reservations.

In response to the tsunamic backlash she has received for needlessly murdering her puppy, Noem has changed the title of her guaranteed least-selling book, on the eve of its release, to No Going Forward.

We at Paying Attention™ just have one question: Was she a bitch? Uh, excuse us Governor Noem, we were talking to the dog.

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*Psycho Party

The staff at Paying Attention™

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