Saturday, April 6, 2024

Broken News – It’s The Eclipse, Stupid

Goodnight Sun

April 6, 2024

Many people are saying that this coming Monday the very incapacitated yet dangerous, the barely alive yet unstoppably vicious Joe Biden is planning to permanently (or possibly for four minutes) block out the Sun as part of his “deep state plan to kill global warming, exactly two weeks before Earth Day.”  

According to one of those in the “know” who spoke to Paying Attention reporter Allison Wunderland, “Biden is so worried that he is going to be crushed by God’s emissary Donald “Growed-up Jesus” Trump that he is planning to kill every living creature on Earth – a very, very flat Earth, by the way – by blocking out the Sun on Monday afternoon. Biden knows that Lord Trump’s witch hunt hoax porn-star-hush-money trial begins the following Monday. He knows that once Mr. Trump sets foot in that fake courtroom to finally bring this pathetic witch hunt crashing down, the real president will become so powerful, so unstoppable, that Biden will be so humiliated that he will be forced to step down immediately so that Donald J. Trump can be sworn in.”

The man went on like that for another 40 minutes, but while editing the tape we decided that there was nothing else worth repeating. However, after he finally shut the fuck up, he took his own life right there on the street by putting a plastic MY PILLOW bag over his head and securing it with a giant rubber band. Our reporter did not think it was her place to interfere, but did suggest the cameraman stop recording. This did not matter much since dozens of bystanders had their phones out and trained on the unfortunate lunatic in order to memorialize the incident.

In any event, just in case this is a real eclipse there is one thing you should never do…

Don’t be a fucking moron. Don’t look at the eclipse. And you
don’t’ need to point at it. Everyone else knows where the Sun is.

This has been a Paying Attention™ Special Broken News report.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled blackouts.

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