April 6, 2024
Many people are
saying that this coming Monday the very incapacitated yet dangerous, the barely
alive yet unstoppably vicious Joe Biden is planning to permanently (or possibly
for four minutes) block out the Sun as part of his “deep state plan to kill
global warming, exactly two weeks before Earth Day.”
According to one of those in the “know” who spoke to Paying Attention™ reporter Allison Wunderland, “Biden is so worried that he is going to be crushed by God’s emissary Donald “Growed-up Jesus” Trump that he is planning to kill every living creature on Earth – a very, very flat Earth, by the way – by blocking out the Sun on Monday afternoon. Biden knows that Lord Trump’s witch hunt hoax porn-star-hush-money trial begins the following Monday. He knows that once Mr. Trump sets foot in that fake courtroom to finally bring this pathetic witch hunt crashing down, the real president will become so powerful, so unstoppable, that Biden will be so humiliated that he will be forced to step down immediately so that Donald J. Trump can be sworn in.”
The man went on like
that for another 40 minutes, but while editing the tape we decided that there
was nothing else worth repeating. However, after he finally shut the fuck up,
he took his own life right there on the street by putting a plastic MY PILLOW
bag over his head and securing it with a giant rubber band. Our reporter did
not think it was her place to interfere, but did suggest the cameraman stop
recording. This did not matter much since dozens of bystanders had their phones
out and trained on the unfortunate lunatic in order to memorialize the
incident.
In any event, just
in case this is a real eclipse there is one thing you should never do…
This has been a Paying Attention™ Special Broken News report.
We now return you to your regularly scheduled
blackouts.
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