As the horror sank in and I
was able to drag myself out of bed, after dashing off a couple quick posts, I decided
I couldn’t take it anymore. I shut the garage, got in my car, and started it
up. I lay back and waited for the sweet relief of carbon monoxide. After a half
hour or so it dawned on me that I have a fucking electric vehicle, dashing my otherwise beautiful and flawless plan.
Rent-A-Coma it is.
So, I resigned myself to
continue living, as I hope you have. But another thing occurs to me. This could
be the best day of the rest of our lives. Oops, did I type that out loud?
So, I want you to get up
now. I want all of you to get up out of your chairs. I want you to get up right
now and go to the window. Open it, and stick your head out, and yell: ‘I’m as
mad as hell, and I’m completely fucked beyond all imagination or hope!’
Wake me after the
asteroid hits. On second thought, where the hell did I put my ENDITOL?
I suddenly understand the
appeal of authoritarianism. Because right now I feel like Joe Biden should step
down, leaving Kamala Harris as president. President Harris should then expand
the Supreme Court by executive order*, declare martial law* and have Trump locked up for committing treason* by colluding with Russia…again.
And when Trump’s minions
begin their long-lusted-after uncivil war, President Harris can deal with the
new insurrection just as Trump promised he would deal with “the enemy from within,”
and I quote, “and it should be very easily handled by, if necessary, by
National Guard, or if really necessary, by the military, because they can’t let
that happen.”
What’s good for what
countless generals and intelligence experts labelled the “greatest threat to America”
is good for a patriot protecting America from that “enemy from within.”
_____________________________________________________ *Can she do that? Well, thanks to the new improved presidential immunity
edict, when you’re a president they let you do it. You can do anything. Grab the
pussy by the balls.
The final day of voting is upon us. One citizen – who should
not have been able to vote due to being a convicted
felon who has yet to serve
any time – was seen exiting the voting booth in southern Florida. Given his
history, one imagines he found a way to cheat. Here he is with his immigrant
Stepford Wife
Just settling in to glue my face to the TV as the returns
trickle in. As of now, the race is too stupid to call. And we don’t want a
premature Electoral College.
It's always good to start off with
a little pizza to calm the nerves
Polls where I am close in less than an hour. As of now,
Harris is the projected winner in Vermont. And, as Vermont goes, so goes the District of Columbia. Trump has taken Indiana – the home state of the
no-thanks-to-Trump-still-alive Mike Pence. Harris is crushing Trump in South
Carolina 194 to 78. The game is afoot.
And then some snacks as the evening
progresses…or disintegrates
We started an office pool for when Little Donny Douchebag
will declare victory. The early pick is 8:30 Eastern, the latest is 11:15. Only
T. Doff thinks Trump will drop the N-word while doing so.
We were considering a pool for when Trump will concede, but
everyone picked the same thing – when hell and/or Mor-on Lago freezes over. The
closest we think he will get will be claiming he has “concepts of a concession
speech.”
I. Mangrey reporting. Stay tuned.And keep your ENDITOL
handy.
So, here we are at long last. Will it last long? When will we know whether or not the Great Experiment has burst into flames and burned down the house? I am on my
way out the door to go and cast my vote to continue life on Earth for humanity.
I’m not kidding around here, this is not hyperbole.
We live in uncertain and highly toxic times. There is a
non-zero chance that things could go very, very wrong very soon. Possibly by the end of
the day today. And possibly wronger than we have ever seen.
Dementia-addled fascist Don Trump, who several decorated
generals – who worked for the only sociopathic anti-American president in this
nation’s history – have warned is in fact “fascist to the core” appears to be
in a dead heat with a highly qualified, pro-democracy opponent. With democracy
and sanity on the line, everyone you know is in a tizzy. Many are wondering which
country they should relocate to.
America is at a crossroads. More accurately, America is tied
to the railroad tracks with the Trump-train barreling down at breakneck speed.
Did the 2024 election fuck your buzz all to hell? Are you
worried that America will become the Ted Cruz of nations? Do you have a
headache that goes all the way to your toes? Are you scared to be you in
America anymore? Are you worried you won’t be able to position your right arm
at the required angle?
I am not a convicted felon, and I will not vote for one, despite his being a person of off-color. We may
find ourselves in dire straights, with no good options. You might be searching
for a way to cope with something you never imagined you would see in your
lifetime. Maybe you will reach for your last pack ofRent-a-Coma
But whenRent-a-Coma
just won’t cut it, the folks here at Paying Attention™ are here for you with a
brand-new must-have product, just for these trying times…
On November 6th* ask
your doctor if the afterlife is right for you. Ask for ENDITOL by name.
Take two (or ten, or whatever) and
forget about the mo(u)rning
It’s always good to be prepared.
_________________________________________
*Or whenever the final Unpopular Vote/Electoral College tally is called…maybe
January 6, 2025.
Okay, one more thing I have to get off my chest before I attempt
to get the last night of sleep I’m likely to get for several days.
“The day that I left,
I shouldn’t have left. I mean, honestly, because we did so, we did so well.” Convicted Felon Trump, November
3, 2024
Yes, he did well, much better than should have ever been
possible, but funny thing – he didn’t do nearly as well as Joe Biden, who
happened to be the one guy he had to do better than.
And hot off his ode to Arnold Palmer’s penis, Daffy Don also
decided to treat his low IQ, deplorable, garbage (yeah, that’s right, I said
it) rallygoers in Milwaukee with a very beautiful, very strong and powerful pantomime
of a blow job on his failed, some say flaccid microphone. It seems all his
douchey dancing to the Village People’s iconic YMCA has opened Donny’s
eyes and mouth to a whole new world. Good for him. At least he’ll have a
fulfilling new hobby in his retirement. In all fairness, he looks pretty good
at it. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
But, there is unquestionably, and massively, something,
actually everything, wrong with him.
DJ BJ
Donny Does Mic
It is also important to note that law enforcement across the
country is preparing to protect America from Trump and his
supporters/cult/militia freaks after Trump goes down in electoral flames.
Because, as we are contending that Trump said
It’s my way or the death ray. All the voices in my head are
telling me I’m so far ahead in the polls, with the biggest rallies where no one ever leaves and I make them wait for hours, there’s no way I can lose. And I will be perfectly
within my rights as a psychotic narcissist to incite my poorly educated – I
love the poorly educated – white people to commit unspeakable crimes in my name
in order to get me into the White House and out of jail, where I clearly
belong. Everybody knows this and many people are saying it.
In a stunning
bombshell, on the eve of the most frightening and consequential election in our
lifetime, the results of the 2024 presidential election are no longer in doubt.
After months of undercover work, risking life and lunch by spending far too
much time in direct contact with convicted felon and rapidly deteriorating
elder snakesman DarnOld Trump, our Peabody-knowing reporter Allison Wunderland
has made a shocking discovery.
Obviously, we cannot
disclose the means by which Wunderland literally uncovered this
It turns out that
when the geological deposits of orange dye, spray tan, pancake and several
hardened layers of Sherwin Williams Rhumba Orange latex are peeled away,
something unexpected though widely applauded is exposed…
It turns out that
the worst, most anti-democracy, most criminal – in and out of office –
president, who refused to leave office after losing his re-election bid and
insisted on running again will not be returning to finish the job of ending
democracy in America. Why? Because he has an expiration date. Which just
happens to be tomorrow – November 5, 2024.
Houston
(Lansing, Madison, Harrisburg, Columbus, Carson City, Raleigh, Atlanta, Phoenix),
We Have A Problem
How the hell is this election even close to
being close? And what's going on with Trump's makeup? Is that blackface or dickface?
As part of his closing argument, Trumptook a swipe at sea birds he
says are destroying windmills. He is deteriorating rapidly, no longer knowing
what he’s for or against. Like how much he hates windmills. Speaking from his
new campaign bus/garbage truck, Trumptold no one in particular
WE WILL LEAVE NO TERN UNSTONED!
This has been your Paying Attention™ Thought For The Day.
DarnOld Trumprecently called Kamala Harris “a Cracker.”
Many people are
saying this was probably taken out of context. Well, given the current state of
affairs, fuck that shit. I’ll worry about context when they stop lying,
cheating, murdering women who need abortions to avoid dying, threatening to
deport millions of Americans – each of whom contributes more to our society
than Trumpever did or ever will, and destroying democracy.
Speaking of context,
more than 400 historians have endorsed Kamala Harris/Tim Walz:
We believe, based on
our study of the past, that the nation stands at an unprecedented historical as
well as a political crossroads. On the outcome of the election, no less than
the election of 1860, hangs the fate of both the spirit and the letter of the
Constitution. We appeal to our fellow citizens, whether conservative,
independent, or liberal, regardless of party affiliation, to vote for Kamala
Harris and Tim Walz.
Now, This From
Basketball Superstar And Mensch Lebron James
Also, Christopher
Titus has a message to share…
Titus seems a bit more agitated than usual
______________________________________________ *Because I’m not one of them, here’s the context: “There are some
people who thrive under pressure and there are some people who crack under
pressure…she’s a cracker.” Being responsible sucks.
Back by popular demand, our newest feature. As the Election
From Hell enters its home kvetch, we all need a laugh or four. This feature was
intended to be apolitical, but who’s kidding who, nothing can be apolitical at
this moment. Here we are, on the Eve of Destruction, so today’s Jest For Fun is
a bit more tethered to the current political reality. But nonetheless fun!
Jest For Fun
Dave Bautista Shreds Trump’s Masculinity
A Place For Trump
Jake Tapper trolls Trumpers
Pay Strippers - The Trump Beatles
One more time…
Pu**y to Grab - The Trump Beatles
And last but not least, Randy Rainbow’s closing
argument…
MAGADU
May the god or non-god of your choice have mercy on our souls...or non-souls.
Even lizards,
insects and most micro-organisms know that the Electoral College is utter bullshit.
As of today, nearly 20 of these united states have agreed to give their EC votes
to the candidate who wins the popular vote. There’s no telling when enough of
the states will make this move and shift the presidential election away from
the Slavery Era shenanigans that comprise the Electoral College.
However,
there is one sure-fire way for the Electoral College to finally go away.
As
soon as a Ratpublican (assuming that the Fascist/Trump Party reverts back to its pre-Trump-level of normal crap) presidential candidate
wins the popular vote and loses in the Electoral College, Bitch BcConnell (sorry,
I have a cold) or his progeny in the Senate will see to it that this
slave-state-inspired artifact will go the way of the dodo.
The current Electoral College – hide your
brains
Unfortunately,
the chances of that party, whatever version of its misogynistic, racist,
classist self it may manifest in the foreseeable future, winning a national
popular vote is all but non-existent since there is no means by which they can
gerrymander the national vote. Not yet anyway.
As if
the whole idea of the Electoral College wasn’t bad enough, the Fascist/Trump Party has been hard at work trying to
insinuate their own “alternate electors” (not a real thing) into the already
absurd system. Because they cannot even win the Unpopular Vote by what passes
for legitimate means.
It is
also worth noting that in recent polling 63% of the American electorate favors
dumping the Unpopular Vote - including 80% of Democrats and nearly 50% of those
in the Fascist/Trump Party.
Seventeen
states, holding 207 (of the necessary 270) EC votes have adopted the National Popular Vote Interstate Compact (NPVIC), meaning they would award their EC
votes to the ticket that won the national popular vote, regardless of
what happens in their states. It remains unclear if this will pass
constitutional muster. It is crystal clear that the current Supreme Court (stolen)
majority will use any means necessary to keep Democrats out of the White House,
if given the opportunity.
The current Supreme Extreme Court
The only
Republicans to win the popular vote since Ronald Reagan, were George HW Bush in
1988 and George WTF Bush – whose presidency needs an asterisk and a
skull-and-crossbones next to it. The only reason Bush, Jr. was able to win a
popular vote was by virtue of incumbency obtained by being illegally appointed
to his first term by a partisan Supreme Court – after losing both the popular
vote and the Electoral College (had the Court not halted the counting of votes
in Florida) in 2000.
“I want to be a whale psychologist.” DarnOld
Trump to Joe Rogan (Oct 26, 2024) while Trump left his dumbass followers standing in freezing
temperatures in Michigan for several hours, during which time many of them left
in disgust, which makes sense since they arrived in disgust, and remained
disgusting the entire time, and will remain disgusting as long as they continue
to worship at the tiny feet (which no one ever talks about ) of a disgusting 34-count
convicted felon, suffering from dementia and wallowing in fascist rhetoric, and who threatens to dismantle American democracy if he ever gets his tiny hands (which
everyone knows about) on the reins of power in America again.
We
have searched every database and contacted every Trump surrogate to no avail in
hopes of learning whether Trump was yearning to psychoanalyze whales or just be
a psychologist the size of a whale – the latter being the more attainable.
As if Trump gives a flying fuck about any life other
than his own.
Full disclosure:
Actually,
dear, near-departed Donald was referencing the alternative fact that windmills
were slaughtering whales, and presumably presenting the idea that he wanted to
get the straight poop right from the whale’s mouth.
You
go gurl.
WTFF*
________________________________________________ *What
The Fascinating Fuck
