EXTREMELY Broken News – Holy Trinity Batman

Great Googly Moogly

God Comes Out

July 21, 2025

In a stunning announcement sure to cause some serious agita in certain circles, God has turned everything upside-down. Speaking exclusively to Paying Attention™ – don’t ask us how this happened because you wouldn’t believe it, but no bushes were burned, no tablets handed down – just some straight talk (well, maybe “straight” is not the best adjective here, as you’ll see shortly). Anyway, the creator(s) of all things spake thus:

People of Earth (and everywhere else for that fucking matter) it is time you learn the truth. We are sick of those among you continually referring to us as “He” or “Him” or even those with a bit more imagination and smarts using “She” or “Her”. We hereby wish to make it known, and in no uncertain terms that this must stop. Yea and verily, our pronouns are “We”, “Us”, “They”, “Them”. We think you get the picture. If you don’t, We’ll spell it out: We are not singular, and We’re surely not a guy. Seriously, what the fuck. We know this will come as a shock, especially to those among you who are such fucking snowflakes about anyone who doesn’t conform to your pathetic views of gender (or so much else that you fucknuts are fucking up so royally). And We do apologize since We were the ones who created pathetic, as well as all you fools who think you know what we are all about. And yes, We did create free will, but not for this bullshit. We figured you would improve over time, you know, like grow-the-fuck-up, and to be honest, We thought it would get much better much faster. So get with the fucking program. You don’t know shit. Don’t make Us come over there and smite your sorry asses.

Don’t let the beard fool you

They went on about “that fucker who thinks he’s God” who “clearly has severe mental and emotional defects” and “can barely create a coherent sentence, let alone a fucking universe. No way did We create that fucked up shit. At least not on purpose. We have no idea where the fuck that asshole came from.” God, clearly getting more upset just thinking about “the little shit whose name We dare not utter”, and adding “is possibly the worst and most nauseating dancer since T-Rex – not the very cool band from the early 1970s, but the tiny-brained dinosaur We created back in the day. By the way, for those of you too fucking stupid to understand reality, We did the whole dinosaur thing long before we blew that shit up and came up with the idea for humans, which is really starting to look like a huge fuck-up at this point. We really miss those big bird/lizard thingies; they were a cheery lot, cheery and violent…but totally awesome.” They claimed, “We’re strongly considering another game-ending event, but We might just wait a few more years and let you all take care of it yourselves. You seem very determined, and We’re feeling a bit lazy at the moment.”

Lastly, and this was quite mind-blowing, They addressed the creation of Adam and Steve…I mean Eve

So, as the story goes, We created Adam and then took one of his fucking ribs and made Eve. Seriously, you can’t make this stuff up. With all the powers vested in Us, why wouldn’t We just take another lump of clay or whatthefuckever and make another body from scratch? Think about this: if We took Adam’s rib and made Eve and then said ‘be fruitful and multiply’, doesn’t that by definition mean that We told Adam to go fuck himself? Talk about incest.

And that’s when we asked to be excused from the conversation.

Obviously, we were a bit taken aback. But not as much by the announcement itself or even that whole Adam and Eve thing. Makes no sense whatsoever. Why wouldn’t either 1) Eve have been created first and her have her rib taken to make Adam, or 2) to have any consistency in the story, have men be the bearers of children? That’s all very interesting but what really caught us off guard was the salty language They used so effortlessly during our time together.

Much less surprising was how much time, and how much vitriol was devoted to the Orange MAGAt and his “ungodly bunch of half-witted, Us-hating, losers trying to re-make Our perfectly acceptable world in their graven, craven, and soon-to-be-fatal image. We mean, seriously, what the fuck.”

World Party – And God Said…

This has been a Paying Attention™ Special Broken News report.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled atheism.