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Making (Up) Money

May 25, 2025

This is your lucky day.

Get in on the ground floor. A special offer for you, the loyal Paying Attention™ sucker reader. As much as we value our unimpeachable integrity, times are tight and we gotta do what we gotta do to survive. Any day now we will start running out of precious commodities like toilet paper, Spam, string cheese, and everything made in China (which is just about everything). The prices of the few things that remain available are predicted to skyrocket. Also, the supply chain is poised to be disrupted, leaving us with, if I may coin a phrase, grocery store shelves resembling the COVID Times.

But this is about us, not you. And we need your money. And we need it more than you do because we are us and you are not. Not that we don’t appreciate you, just that we would appreciate you all the more if you would stop being so selfish and find it in your wallets to get in on this great deal.

On the heels of President Hungry Hippo-crit’s Give-Me-A-Million-Bucks-And-Then-Come-To-My-Gold-Plated-Roach-Motel-To-Lick-My-Balls gala at Mor-on-Lago, it is clear that something has to change here at Paying Attention™.

A recent article in Rolling Stone reported that the main regret (other than not completely destroying democracy) of his first term was that “he was wrong to leave a ton of money on the table as president.” Don felt bad about on occasion being persuaded “to side with government ethicists who cautioned him from obliterating the line between public good and private gain.”  

Clearly, this convicted felon is not going to make this same mistake twice, as evidenced by is billion-dollar-suck-up-bash, attended by those who bought the largest quantity of Don’s personal griftcoin. The mostly anonymous – some in masks – attendees were mostly foreign money…I mean people, looking to own a majority share in Trump – not the coin, but the president –  is all the proof we need of that – not to mention the literally countless other examples of all-the-proof-we-need-of-that.

Don’s spokesmodel claimed that her boss was doing his private money-making during his time as a private citizen, and not in his “capacity” as “president”. Unlike most, well, all, private citizens this pile of poop in a suit spoke to his adoring psychophants, in what critics called “an orgy of corruption” from behind the presidential seal. All of the $394 million of blood-money raised went right into Trump’s undeserving pockets.

Well friends, the team at Paying Attention™ is not going to make the mistake that #45 made. We are prepared to do whatever it takes to cash in while there’s still something left over after Il Douche rakes the rest of it in.

Fuck Dogecoin, which has fElon MusKKK’s stench all over it. Fuck Shitcoin or Trumpcoin or whatever the fuck Don is calling his own private non-existent fake money product. And so what if this fantasy financial free-for-all is already a massive accelerator of climate crisis.

Announcing the Paying Attention™’s new big, beautiful griftocurrency BITCHCOIN.

Yes, we are jumping into the fake money market. If it’s good enough for the president of the United States, who during his first attempt at destroying this nation said of cryptocurrency, “Bitcoin, it just seems like a scam. I don't like it because it's another currency competing against the dollar. It’s potentially a disaster waiting to happen. They may be fake. Who knows what they are? I think it’s a very dangerous thing.” Now that Donny Dollar is himself competing against the American dollar, cryptocurrency is apparently just fine.

This could be me!

So why should good people like us…well me, get left out in the fake money cold? Sure, griftocurrency doesn’t actually exist in the real world, but the real world is now a figment of the imaginations of Baby Boomers. But just because BITCHCOIN doesn’t exist doesn’t mean you can’t drop a few hundred, thousand, or even a million real bucks into the market. We practically guarantee that you will make double, triple or maybe even 1000 times your money back.*

Get yours now, while non-existent supplies last. You don’t want to be without toilet paper and BITCHCOIN. Well, do ya punk?

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*Eventually. There’s no actual timeframe, and you could just as easily (probably more likely) lose every penny when the fake market self-destructs, but don’t fret because your loss is our gain. Pretty cool, right?

This has been your Paying Attention™ Thought For The Day.