Friday, December 3, 2021

Broken News

COVID Donny

December 3, 2021

It turns out that our ex-Super-Spreader-in-Chief was waddling around, knowingly positive with COVID-19, spreading his “cheer” with hundreds of people. He lied about his status while attending numerous events, belching lies and inanities to reporters on Air Farce One (one of whom came down with the Turmp virus days after being face-to-orange-face with Turmp), and engaging Joe Biden in a live debate. Just days after this debate, Donny Dearest ended up on life support, surviving COVID only after receiving treatments beyond what anyone else could access.

And who can forget this inspiring moment in presidential history…

“And I tested very positively in another sense, this morning. I tested positively toward negative, right? So I tested perfectly this morning. Meaning I tested negative. But that’s a way of saying it: positively toward the negative.”*
                   
Donald Stupid-Fucking Turmp, May 21, 2020

We learned that COVID Donny tested positively toward the positive – or is it negatively toward the positive? – three days before his debate with Biden from a new book by Turmp’s final chief-of-staff, who some have described as the worst presidential chief-of-staff in history, Mark Meadows.

Turmp originally had this to say about Meadows’ new tome:

“The Chief's Chief would make an incredible Christmas present, and with United States supply lines totally dead, and with thousands of ships having no way of unloading because of incompetent leadership, you will have no other thing you can buy anyway. Seriously, it's a fantastic book, and Mark Meadows and his wonderful wife Debbie are great people.”

It is of course, beyond unlikely that the all-but-illiterate Turmp even opened up a copy of Meadows’ book, and after people who actually read the book learned of COVID Boy’s attempted-murderous exploits, the Infectious One had this to say about Meadows’ “incredible Christmas present”:

“The story of me having COVID prior to, or during, the first debate is Fake News.”

Several of Turmp’s staff ultimately tested positive, as did a number of Secret Service agents forced to spend time around COVID Donny. You can be sure we will never know how many of them perished as a result.

Turmp probably killed Herman “Awww Shucky Ducky” Cain and put Chris Christy near death. Perhaps most on-brand of all, when he finally had no choice but to admit he was (physically) ill with the virus that should, by all rights bear his name, Trump later lied that he probably got COVID from veterans and police officers and Gold Star families at one of the events after he already tested positive because they came “within an inch of my face sometimes, they want to hug me and they want to kiss me.” First of all, ewwwww, second, bullshit.

So, when Turmp was throwing MAGA hats into crowds at his COVID-infested rallies, was he doing the same thing that white settlers did when the handed smallpox-laden blankets to the Indians? Did he personally cough into each hat before bestowing them upon his adoring idiots? I guess some serial killers are just not picky about who they target.

*No Don, that is not a way of saying it. It must be difficult keeping all your lies straight, what with the syphilis eating away at your very, very large uh-brain.

UPDATE: Donny recently declared that he wants to debate members of the January 6 committee. Has he just tested positive for COVID again?

This has been a Paying Attention™ Special Broken News report.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled negative positivity.

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