Predictions, Prophecies,
Prognostications, Projections and Piffle
The End (of The Year) is Near
December 26, 2021
Where Will We Have Gone From Here
Despite
completely missing the boat by not predicting a coup led by the lame-duck,
disgraced, twice-impeached, wantonly-criminal, COVID-loving 45th
president, the gang here at Paying Attention™ is once again poised to try our hand at divining the year to
come. With Joe Biden finishing up his first year in office, and America barely
surviving the attempted coup led by the huge loser of the last election, said
loser’s ongoing attempts to destroy the democratic process, the continuing saga
of the ever-mutating Turmp virus and the unsuccessful attempt to hang Mike
Pence. But at least we seem to be rid of Kim Jong Turmp…for now...sort of. Unfortunately, many predictions for 2022 still involve the former guy, since he still looms bigly, like a species-ending asteroid, over the national psyche.
However, the
stupidity is so overwhelming and so widespread that our entire system of
political and social norms, such as they are, risk collapsing into chaos and
fascism. It is not hyperbole to imagine long-term irreparable damage to
civilization itself if these medieval morons have their way. This is not one of
our predictions (Or is it?), but just something think and gnash your teeth about.
Save America
From Americans
Turmp did not
concede his extremely, very strong and powerful, landslide loss as was
customary until Turmp, the Russians, the white supremacists and the Ratpublican
Party writ large conspired to end democracy. Earlier this month Donny Dirtbag
fake-tweeted this gem:
Those of you
familiar with the English language undoubtedly noticed that Il Douche didn’t
not employ one of the most Freudian of double negatives never not used.
Now, Back To
The Future
Many people do
not realize that predicting the future is not an exact science. Truth be told,
science is not always an exact science. A large swath of America does not even think
science is real. In reality – as if that’s still a
thing – nobody can predict the future…as if that’s
still a thing. Nonetheless, we will put our non-existent reputation on the line
to tell it like it will be. Our record has been as good as anyone’s since our
first foray into Predictions, Prophecies, Prognostications, Projections and
Piffle back in 2013.
Here we are, at
the end of 2021, the year many feared might never happen, and for more than 800,000
– in large part due to Donald Turmp’s anti-mask, pro-bleach-ingestion,
do-nothing approach to the pandemic – it never did.
In any event,
here is what we predict you will see over the next 12 months…
January
6, 2022
Turmp
“Enacts” Ex-Executive Order
Donald
Turmp returns to the scene of the crime, surrounded by hundreds of loving
lunatics, most of whom are heavily white and armed, visibly struggling to
breathe due to COVID, and struggling to think due to…well, you know. The
disgraced, twice-impeached, Russian-stooge, ex-president announces that he will
be designating January 6 as a national holiday: Turmp Reinstatement Day – A Day
That Will Live in Infamy. Apparently, he doesn’t know what infamy means.
“What
an amazingly huge crowd, probably the largest crowd in the history of crowds. This
will be a big day in America. Maybe the biggest ever. I’m calling it “Turmp
Reinstatement Day – A Day That Will Live in Infamy.” I was hoping my very good
friend Mike Pence would be here to hang with me, or maybe to just hang. Even
though he screwed up bigly, I mean, what a pussy, he’s still my very dear
friend – one of so many, no one could count them all. No matter what anyone
says, this is my country, I won it fair and square.
I
never conceded to Sleepy Joe. Why should I, when I clearly won every state.
Everybody knows I won, and if they don’t, they’re bigger liars than I am. As
your real and true and favorite president, I am today going to issue my
greatest executive order, finally bringing a stop, a very big, very powerful
stop to the fake presidency of Joe Biden. I call him Sleepy Joe. Sleepy Joe.
That’s what I call him. I have let him pretend long enough. I’m sure my loving
military will gladly reinstate me in the great and wonderful White House. Then
we can get back to ignoring the fake COVID flu, and start drinking bleach again,
and most importantly of all, saying Merry Christmas – a greeting I invented so
people would be free to exercise their Second Amendment right to be religious,
Two Corinthian Leather, am I right – which was not allowed last holiday season
thanks to Sleepy Joe who hates Christmas…and white people. Make America drink
bleach again – that’s what I say…”
Turmp
went on like this for another two hours or three hours – no one really knows how long. Even as the crowd dwindled down to
just a few homeless, racist zombies who had nowhere else to go, and were hoping to
land some cushy cabinet positions, seeing as no one but them and creeps like
Lauren Boebert, Margie Taylor Green, Jim Jordan, Louie Gohmert, Paul Gosar,
Matt Gaetz and Madison Cawthorn were interested. Once Turmp’s mouth stopped
moving, he opened fire before finally being subdued by Capitol Police and using
tranquillizer darts and one desperate, brave citizen with a blimp-sized butterfly net.
January 11, 2022
Mike Drop
Despite insisting he won the 2020 election, spearheading an
insurrection that culminated in a murderous assault on the Capitol which failed
to stop the wheels of democracy, Turmp announces he is still running in 2020 and running again in 2024.
“Mike Pence and I will never forsake our mission to make America as great as Donald Turmp. The stolen election of 2020 is not over until I say it’s over. And, since I have been deprived of almost a whole year in my White House – a place I call the summer Mor-on Lago – I am entitled to run again in 2024. Unfortunately, since Mike Pence stabbed me in the back by not telling Joe Biden to take a hike, after our sort-or-second term is up, I will be running again in 2024 with a new, improved Mike. One who will do anything I say, because he’s a brain-damaged crackhead. I love the crackheads, and I hear they love me very much. That’s right, my running mate in 2024 will be none other than the great pillow guy, who is almost as smart as me, Mike Lindell.”
Ed Venture, I.
Mangrey, T. Doff and Shay King bringing you the future before it’s too late.
Go and get a
stiff drink and gird your loins folks, we’re just getting started. It is predicted that Part II will be
appearing very soon.
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