No Nobel. No. Just No.

So Many Prizes, So Little Reason

August 25, 2025

Well, Dirty Donnie managed to take people’s minds off his disgraceful bromance (if not partnership) with Jeffrey Epstein. He did this by embarrassing himself and this nation at the feet of his old benefactor Putin at the recent much ballyhooed though ultimately miserably failed Alaska Submit. Trump’s gross impotence, his abject failure to get the ceasefire he “demanded” beforehand or even make any kind of deal to mitigate the devastation Putin continues to visit upon Ukraine (who was a staunch ally until the American Fuhrer took the reins for an incomprehensible second term) got the attention of many. Putin treated Trump like he was an extension of the red carpet he walked in on. Trump was as usual uneducated, unprepared and – worst and least surprising of all – uninterested. The Alaska fiasco will likely soon be relegated to the backs of most minds, to be displaced by the Epstein fiasco, which will also soon turn to dust.

Despite Trump being undeniably owned by Putin in Alaska (who bombed an American factory in Ukraine just days after having his way with Dumb Donnie), leaving no end in sight for the war Trump pathetically blames on Joe Biden, and which Trump repeatedly claimed he would end not just on day one, but before he even took over the White House he and his moronic minions attempted to destroy, Little Donnie Disaster still wants him some Nobel Peace Prize. He claims to have stopped seven or nine or who-knows-how-many wars all by himself.

Alfred Nobel, the inventor of dynamite, is of course the only historical figure worthy of having some of the most prestigious prizes in numerous disciplines bearing his name. Most people are focused on the Nobel Peace Prize, but there are quite a few other Nobel Prizes: for literature, physics, medicine, chemistry and economic sciences.

The Noball Prize for impotent idiots is hopefully as close as he gets

Get ready for Trump to whine about all the Nobel Prizes he thinks he deserves:

Peace: “I am bringing peace to the entire world; that is just a fact. No one in history has been better at peace than Trump. That is why I am also bringing peace to American cities that are being subjugated by non-white mayors. I’d like to see you try this. Only Trump has the very, very large uh-brain capable of doing such a thing. You’ll notice that on other president even thought about occupying American cities in order to put a stop to non-existent emergencies. Thank you for your attention to this matter.”

Literature: “I have been patiently waiting for my Nobel in literature for my beautiful and might I add brilliant God Bless the U.S.A. Bible – no one else was smart enough to have the Constitution added in there. Or the lyrics to a Lee Greenwood song. Very smart. Plus, I have had many other books with my name and picture on the cover that were written by actual writers.”

Physics: “You might not know this, because I’ve never mentioned it before. Frankly I don’t like to talk about it. My uncle was a genius professor at MIT for eighty years. Since he never got a Nobel Prize and passed his very good brain on to me I will accept a physics prize, since I am probably the smartest person who ever lived.”

Medicine: “I know this is more recent, buy I’m the one who nominated Brainworm Bobby to make medicine illegal. This will no doubt have a very positive effect on the health of our nation. Nobel Prize, pleas.”

Chemistry: “No one has better chemistry with the very strong and tough Vladimir Putin than Trump. I have so much chemistry, probably the most chemistry of any person in history.”

Economic Sciences: “Besides being one of the most successful businessmen of all time, I am the king of bankruptcies. I have also saved the entire world with my incredibly brilliant tariff policies.”

“It would probably be best to just give me all the Nobel Prizes at one time in case I end up being outed as Jeffrey Epstein’s accomplice in his global pedophilia/sex trafficking operation. Too bad there’s no Nobel Prize for those very normal and harmless lifestyles of the rich and famous.”

I. Mangrey reporting.