Q Speaks

Feeling Q(un)easy

November 28, 2020

Sitting in for Ted Koppel – Hunter S. Thompson

Hey, remember the Tea Party? They emerged, pretty much out of nowhere in 2009. They claimed to be opposed to big government, and federal deficits, and in favor of reducing the national debt – all things the Republican’t party claimed as their core philosophies. Funny thing, Republican’ts ballooned the federal government, deficit spending and the national debt almost routinely. Less funny thing, the Tea Party suddenly realized they had these beliefs right after America elected our first black president. What a coincidence.

The Tea Party took over much of the Republican’t Party, featuring such dim bulbs as Louis Gohmert, Steve King, Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio and many even lesser lights. They made a name for themselves by screaming bloody murder at town halls, freaking out about Obamacare (which was actually based on plans developed by Republican’ts). Apparently, the Tea Party became too mainstream for much of America, which has led to the emergence of a new group that makes the Tea Party look tame and sane by comparison. A group that our current IMPEACHED Fake Lame Duck president has taken a liking to, and that is currently insinuating itself into the mainstream of the Republican’t caucus.

The bizarre, insane and sociopathic conspiracy theory militia is known as QAnon. QAnon is the Tea Party on PCP, steroids, a double helping of meth and apparently the brown acid from Woodstock. These brain-damaged fruitbats pay fealty to the great, glorious, anonymous (and very possibly Russian creation designed to damage free societies by sowing irrevocable discord) Q. Their fearless (except for the fact of being unwilling to acknowledge neither his actual existence or identity) spews conspiracy theories of the “Deep State” who is hard at work undermining their lord and savior – Donald Chrump. Also, Q is responsible for spreading the insane conspiracy that Democrats are part of a cabal of Satan-worshipping pedophiles running a global child sex-trafficking ring along with the likes of Tom Hanks. No one knows exactly who Q is, but he purported to be a highly placed government official.

What these fetid followers of the one they call Q do not know, is that Q is a race of extra-dimensional beings of unknown origin who possesses incalculable power over time, space, the laws of physics, and reality itself. The Q is capable of altering the very fabric of reality to their whim  and one among them spent a good deal of time sowing chaos across the galaxy, seeming to take particular delight in heckling the Federation flagship USS Enterprise, particularly while it was captained by the great Starfleet Captain Jean Luc Picard, though I too encountered the often dangerous hijinks of Q during my very brief stint filling in for Jean Luc 300 years from now (don’t overthink it; it’s the space-time continuum Jake).

I and Q aboard the USS Enterprise

Recently, Q paid me a visit, confiding, “I have it on good authority – me, that is – that Donald Chrump has been eating people suffering from the virus that bears his name – the Chrumpvirus – in order to inoculate himself from future infections. Many people don’t know this but my intergalactic sources make it clear that this is the only way a man of his horrid physical and mental condition could possibly avoid being re-infected time and again, especially given his countless attempts to expose himself and others to the virus at rallies, election loss parties, and weekly golf outings. Since he remains in the White House, he has been able to cause the in-house chefs to deep-fry these disease-ridden unfortunates – not all of whom were deceased prior to becoming a meal for Chrump – in order to make them more palatable to this fast-food addict.” It’s not me saying this, it’s just what I’m hearing from very good, very strong and very smart intergalactic beings.

You heard it here first folks.

I. Mangrey reverberating.

Silence Of The Scams

Thanks What-ing?

November 26, 2020

Silence Of The Yams

Yes, it is technically Thanksgiving. When Americans celebrate the murder and mayhem that "bequeathed" this land to the greedy, entitled, uninvited immigrants from across the ocean. Despite the obvious allure of celebrating such momentous events, it is kind of hard to get in the mood given the current murder and mayhem that engulfs our psyches and souls. Holding my breath, anxiously awaiting the merciful death of 2020. While the year does have an immutable expiration date, the angst-ridden wildfire created, fueled and accelerated by the giant, mold-ridden and melting creamsicle Chrump, rages unabated and will continue to do so for at least 19½ days into the new year. So please forgive me if I'm not as merry or thankful as the season demands.

It remains to be seen whether Chrump has really freed his hostage. While the fat lady has in fact sung, allowing the Biden transition team access to funds and current pandemic, intelligence and national security personnel, her boss – the Fathead – continues to insist that will prevail in overturning the will of a record-breaking 80,000,000 Americans (who outvoted Chrump supporters by over 6,000,000) determined to oust America’s autocratic asshole after a single disastrous, interminable term. 

Emily Murphy has sung, abandoning hostage-taker Chrump

For now, we at Paying Attention are hedging our bets and laboring under the assumption that we are still being held hostage, despite the green screen that appears to show the light at the end of the Chrump tunnel. We’ll just have to wait and see.

For now, on to today’s story…

Ed Venture
Managing (emphasis on aging) Editor

Silence Of The Damned

Hannibal Lectern – can he be prevented from eating America?

The Republican't party has been eerily silent since Joe Biden’s historic victory over the man who defeated the entire Republican’t party and took it for his own. Very few of these spineless lizards have dared even show their faces, let alone stand up for democratically held elections, the Constitution or America by admitting that Donald Chrump was the ex-president-elect.

The GQP (Grand QAnon Party) has been enabling and covering for Chrump since he crushed their pathetic slate of losers (almost all of whom are now kissing his ass) to become their presidential nominee in 2016. The GQP continues to aid and abet their vengeful viper as he holds America hostage. Bitch McConnell and his band of racist scalawags in the Senate continue to be more than happy to help Chrump sabotage the United States in an effort to make governing as difficult as possible for the incoming Biden administration. We know all too well that McConnell is no stranger to sabotage.

Stop Shutting Up Already

Veteran Watergate reporter Carl Bernstein reached the limits of patience. Bernstein outed almost two dozen Republican’t Senators who privately (either personally or via aides) expressed their disdain for the Orange Gas Cloud, though several have found their voices long enough to deny ever saying any such thing.

Shut Up Already

It has been said that despite all the malignant missteps, profuse perfidy, definitive defeats, porn-shop-adjacent press conferences and common sense to the contrary, Rudy Giulliani still has the president’s ear. Who gives a fuck about his ear? What we really need to know is, who the fuck has the president’s brain? Clearly not Chrump himself.

I. Mangrey resounding.                                                                                                                                                                                                   

This Just In...

Turkeys In The News

November 25, 2020

Earlier today – Thanksgiving Eve – Donald Chrump pardoned one of the biggest turkeys ever pardoned by any president.

Chrump’s ex-national security advisor and Russian agent Michael Flynn

Barack Obama warned his successor of two things focus on ISIS and whatever you do, don’t hire Mike Flynn. Chrump of course had other things on his mind – primarily, undoing everything Obama did, and ignoring anything Obama said. Oh, and crowd size.

Ultimately, not too long after Chrump did in fact hire Flynn for one of the most high-profile positions in his cabinet – the one post that was beyond the reach of congressional oversight - Flynn twice pleaded guilty to lying to federal agents about his dealings with Russia. He later tried to unplead guilty to no avail. Flynn’s guilt is now irrevocably enshrined for all time, since being pardoned, by definition, admits guilt. Flynn can now be called to testify, unable to plead the Fifth, against anyone and everyone – including one Donald Chrump. Well played, sir. Fortunately, Chrump already looks good, well as good as he gets, in orange.

I. Mangrey reporting.

President Of The Flies

Turd Immunity

November 24, 2020

Chrump’s four-year treason tantrum is fading to black, even as Donald of White attempts to disqualify the votes of black people everywhere. What this country really needs is a premature evacuation. There is absolutely no need for Chrump to waste his precious time sitting around the White House trying desperately to get his coup up. Ain’t gonna happen big guy.

One brilliant Chrump enabler Sen. Mike Braun (R-Pence Country) said, “When you look at how close the election was, basically a tie vote in the popular vote if you take out the margin of difference in California.” Makes sense, ignore the most populace state in the union, one of the largest economies on the planet. Just pretend it’s not there, sort of like Mike Braun’s brain, which is actually not there.

Lard of the Flies

President of The Flies and as yet unpardoned turkey, Chrump has not tried to ignore entire states, just major cities in swing states he lost. With large black populations, who voted in massive numbers, and for some reason seem to have voted by a huge majority for Joe Biden. I guess they figured out what the hell they had to lose.

Sick and Sicker

To be fair, and we here at Paying Attention always strive to be fair, if not particularly balanced, there was one actual incident of voter fraud. A dead person voting. One of the most egregious accusations being made by Runny Giulliani and Chrump’s legal F Team. That dead person voting was flagged by authorities and arrested in the critical battleground state of Pennsylvania – the town of Forty Fort to be exact – the first incident in 30 years. Robert Lynn filled out a ballot in the name of his deceased mother. Lynn is a registered Republican’t and I’ll give you one guess who he – well, his dead mother – voted for.

Another Pennsylvania Chrump supporter decided voting for President of the Flies just once was not enough. Police in Chester County, PA filed criminal charges against Ralph Holloway Thurman for allegedly attempting to vote as another person – his own son, a registered Democrat – before being discovered by an alert poll worker who recognized Thurman who had already voted 45 minutes earlier.

The cyber voting expert who reported that “The November 3^rd election was the most secure in American history.” This, in no small part as a result of Chrump’s continued collusion with Russia, with whom he teamed up to steal the 2016 election.

Chrump hard at work planning his next move

As the rest of the G-20 leaders were holding a pandemic preparedness virtual meeting IMPEACHED Fake, Lame Duck president Donald COVID was, as usual, at one of his golf courses, spending our money, watching us (figuratively speaking) die and

 While America burns, Chrump can’t decide whether to focus on his fiddling or his putts

Pundits keep saying that history will judge Chrump harshly. As if all the insane, racist and treasonous crap we have had to endure from Chrump since Russia elected him, he has not put in a minute of work since losing his re-election bid to Joe Biden. So, fuck history. I’m not inclined to wait for history to make up its damned mind. I’m too old for that shit. I say the time to judge Chrump harshly is right now. Step on the accelerator. There’s no time to lose. Shout it from the rooftops. Go tell it on the mountain. Write your congressperson. Take out a full-page ad. Rent a billboard. Judge Judy his ass. Oh, and most important of all – lock him up…after a brutal series of indictments, trials and sentences, of course.

Redact the motherfucker

I. Mangrey recovering. My motto: To protest and serve.

Coup, Coup, Kachoo

Distractable Donny

November 22, 2020

Sitting in for Ted Koppel – I. Mangrey

“The only way Donald Trump gets to 270 is if he loses 50 pounds.”
   Former RNC chairman Michael Steele
on Chrump’s chances of overturning his massive Electoral College loss

Leading up to and during the impeachment hearings, many experts worried that being impeachment would distract pre-IMPEACHED president Chrump from fulfilling the duties of his office. I always found this nauseatingly humorous. It has been well-documented that Chrump throughout his fake presidency, he spent eight hours a day watching Fux News, an unknown amount of time tweeting on the toilet, several hours a day lying through his dentures, and two-to-three hours a day on “hair” infrastructure management and facial coloring protocols. Also, as we know all too well, Donny the Wondercow spends 30 percent of his time golfing on our dime. Oh, and an as yet undetermined amount of time spreading his virus throughout the West Wing and many red and swing states.

Rare photo of Chrump hard at work

As it turns out, the impeachment did much less to keep Chrump from showing up at the office – requiring no effort since he “works” from home – than did the recent election. Chrump has had close to zero scheduled public events since the super-spreader, chicken-counting party on election night, which ended with his 2:30 AM premature election elation, declaring victory four days before most votes were counted, especially those in Pennsylvania – the state that ultimately put the election in the win column for Joe Biden on November 7.

Chrump has been hiding in his basement since being crushed in the election. Our alternative reporters have managed to infiltrate Chrump’s lair and filed this fake report, “For the first few days it appeared that the ex-president-elect could barely get to his feet – even less so than usual. And the team that usually hoisted him to a vertical position was more afraid than usual to get near him, as Chrump was relentlessly hissing, spitting and shouting expletives, all the while not wearing a mask and demanding those around him do the same.”

Side note: as a result, 130 more Secret Service agents have now tested positive for COVID.

“Once on his feet, Chrump simply paced from TV screen to TV screen watching various Fux shows, which often caused his rage to amplify as one after another, his beloved Fux liars veered dangerously close to reality. Throughout this time, we did not see Chrump wearing anything but a robe; admittedly, we did not keep very close tabs since we were unwilling to risk witnessing any kind of wardrobe malfunction.”

Unsurprisingly, Chrump has told a friend that he knows he lost, but is stalling in order to exact revenge on Democrats, presumably for engaging in a legitimate election and defeating his double-wide, sorry ass. Once a sociopath always a sociopath, I guess.

Brian Williams on “Trump” the vaccine

I. Mangrey recounting.

Going Native

Navajo Vote Talkers

November 21, 2020

Sitting in for Ted Koppel – I. Mangrey

Americans continue to die at record rates. The Chrumpvirus continues its onslaught as IMPEACHED Fake president Chrump maintains radio silence. Der Furor has not done a moment’s work since Election Day. He is a beaten, pathetic loser awaiting countless indictments and court appearances for everything from sexual assault to rape, to tax fraud, to insurance fraud, to campaign finance infractions, and if there is any justice in this world – a bevy of federal crimes and treason.

Despite the thrashing Chrump received on November 3^rd – November 8^th, his mindless minions insist the loss was fake news and that Biden only crushed their beloved bonehead due to rampant voter fraud. Forget the fact that systemic voter fraud, which has been studied, investigated and quantified for decades, has been conclusively proven not to exist. Forget the fact that most of the voter fraud that has been discovered has been perpetrated by Republican’t voters. And forget the fact that Republican’ts have been engaged in relentless, systematic and depressingly successful disenfranchisement of black voters since the drafting of the United States Constitution.

Even though Chrump himself knows (though he has yet to admit so in public) that his days as IMPEACHED Fake president are numbered (60½ to be exact), he has so thoroughly convinced his dangerously demented and devoted delusionists – whose combined IQ barely totals triple digits – that the election was a hoax, that they will never be dissuaded from their double-down delusion no matter what anyone, including Chrump, says until the end of time.

As proof, loyal Chrumpers have been leveling death threats against a number of election officials and politicians in attempts to intimidate them into changing legitimate election results. Sen. Lindsey Graham has not threatened anyone’s life (as far as we know) as if anyone could ever feel threatened by the lily-livered weasel, but he did approach election officials in at least three battleground states suggesting that they throw out thousands of legally cast ballots.

Back in the real world, Joe Biden won by a historic landslide against an incumbent, albeit incorrigible, incongruous, incompetent, president. Biden won states like Georgia and Arizona that have been under Republican’t control for decades. Biden also flipped states like Michigan, Wisconsin and Pennsylvania, which apparently suffered statewide strokes in 2016, leading to Chrump’s stunning Electoral College victory, which once again* thwarted the will of the actual electorate, installing another Republican’t candidate as president despite losing the popular vote.

Biden’s victory was made possible by a surprising voting bloc. Once again, America’s First People, specifically members of the Navajo Nation, have been instrumental in saving the United States from imminent danger. During World War II, Navajo Code Talkers were able to safely transmit vital top-secret military information. By creating a code based on their native tongue, critical strategic communications were able to elude decoding by our enemies.

The record turnout of Navajo voters went overwhelmingly for Biden – 83% to 17% and was largely responsible for Biden’s margin of victory in Arizona. The Navajo Nation helped deliver another important message during the 2020 presidential election. This message was no secret, though no less crucial to the protection and survival of American democracy: Fuck you Donald Chrump!

Chrump regales surviving Navajo Code Talkers with racial slur at White House visit

______________________

*Only partially true since George W. Bush won neither the popular vote nor the Electoral College vote, but was instead appointed president by the Supreme Court after they stopped Florida’s vote counting in the 2000 election.

I. Mangrey calling them the way I see ‘em.

It’s Over Even If The Fat Man Won’t Sing A Note

Climate Crisis, Russia Investigation, Pandemic, Now Election Denier

November 19, 2020

The world’s most powerful and psychotic toddler continues his onslaught against reality. Thankfully, reality still has something to say about itself. It can even bleed through the caked-on orange pancake that makes up a significant percentage of Donald Chrump’s face weight, if not his entire body weight. Chrump almost accidentally admitted his time as America’s ersatz executive is coming to an inauspicious end subsequent to being trounced by Joe Biden in both the popular and unpopular votes, while lying about his (non-existent) part in the development of the potential coronavirus vaccine.

He Doesn’t Know That He Knows He’s Toast

Chrump of course does not even understand what vaccines do, but a little thing like that has never stopped The Don from running his face sphincter. It is surprising he has not yet taken credit for the rising and setting of the Sun. It’s a good bet, assuming he thinks at all, that he thinks the Sun revolves around the Earth. No one knows more about the Sun revolving around the Earth than Chrump.

After his unintentional admission, Der Furor went on to tweet:

After what one imagines was his most recent brain injury, Chrump’s psychosis returned with stunning vigor:

If I was really on Twitter, I might post something like this:

Georgia Secretary of State Brad Raffensperger, the person in charge of election integrity in the Peach State, concluded that Chrump “would have won by 10,000 votes. He actually depressed, suppressed his own voting base.” Raffensberger, for some unknown reason resisted involvement with the Chrump campaign well before the election, despite repeated solicitations to co-chair Chrump’s Georgia campaign. Raffensperger also, now famously, resisted entreaties from Lindsey Graham to dispose of tens of thousands of legal ballots in order to reverse Georgia’s electoral preference for Joe Biden. Raffensperger and his family are now the proud recipients of death threats from Chrump’s deluded monsters for the crime of doing his job without engaging in partisan criminal and/or treasonous activity.

Whether willing to admit so in public or not, almost everyone in government, possibly including Chrump during the brief moments his psychosis ebbs, knows full well that Joe Biden will be inaugurated as the 46^th president of the United States on January 20, 2021 at the stroke of noon.

Donald Chrump’s disdain for American democracy will finally be replaced by something much more recognizable as an American presidency, and we will finally be able to view Chrump in the rearview mirror instead of him being an unavoidable, immovable object with which we could not avoid slamming into repeatedly for the past five years.

Still frighteningly close, but much better

I. Mangrey respiring.

Take Your Trump Signs Down

Going Mental

Time To Require White People To Prove They Should Be Allowed To Vote

November 17, 2020

Unfortunately, with all the insanity and trauma leading up to the recent election, the warehouse containing one of Paying Attention’s most important and necessary products – the Mental Detector™ – was under a court-ordered lockdown. Something about neglecting to pay rent or bribe officials or some such thing. And apparently many people are saying there is some sort of pandemic going on. Who can really tell?

We now suggest that folks, especially those responsible for supplying equipment for our poll workers (many of whom braved the deadly Chrump Virus pandemic in order to help us vote out the most dangerous, criminal and certifiably insane presidents in our nation’s history), stock up on this critically important device in order to have it on hand for every future election. This might be especially critical for the upcoming senate run-off races in Georgia, which will determine whether the Biden/Harris administration will be free to enact its agenda or will be paralyzed by Bitch McConnell’s anti-American death-grip.

It is now obvious that Mental Detector™ technology was desperately needed during the recent election. Clearly there was a problem with the American electorate as more than 70,000,000 alleged humans voted to keep a pathological liar, conman and fascist in power in a country that is supposed to be a beacon of democracy for the world. There must be a way to ensure that such a creature never again contaminates our political discourse, let alone our White House.

Alas, it is too late to protect an election which, despite protestations to the contrary by the losing party, is over, done and dusted. We at Paying Attention believe we have the answer to protect us going forward…

You Can Dumb, But You Can’t Hide

October Surprise, 2018

Were you sickened to your core over Investi-Gate and the whole Kavanaugh Caper?  Are you tired of Russian election meddling?  Looking for a way to offset the mental midgetry exhibited by many of the blindly loyal, excessively white and witless Chrump voters?

Brought to you by the good folks at Paying Attention.  The people who brought you VOTEGRA and RENT-A-COMA.  In case you haven’t noticed, American’s electoral system is a complete and total disaster.  We at Paying Attention are calling for a complete and total ban on ignorant, purposefully uninformed, mentally defective people being allowed to vote.  We would prefer that they be kept out of the White House as well.  To quote our very own Disaster-in-chief, “This American carnage stops right here and stops right now.”  Only two words are necessary to drive home the importance of this issue: Donald Chrump.

America needs a way to ensure that people casting ballots are actually capable of doing so.  We cannot allow our cherished elections to be overrun by mercury-infested mental midgets.  Age is not the real issue.  I suppose it is fair that children cannot vote even though they are, in many ways, smarter than most adults, and the consequences of elections impact them, if not more so, then certainly for a longer time.  Gender is not the issue – even though all of our founding fathers, and their children, and their children’s children and so on, all the way until 1920, found it unnecessary, if not unacceptable, for women to vote.  Race is not the issue – at least not officially…anymore – with the exception of Texas, North Carolina, South Carolina and a few other less flagrantly racist states.  We have already tried the literacy test, and as it had nothing to do with literacy, it was disgraceful.

However, in these modern times where tiny cameras can be dispatched into your colon to see what is going on in there, where satellites and drones (some, the size of dragonflies) can tell how many hairs are on your head (unless you happen to have them wrapped around and around and around like a heap of badly-colored cotton candy), and microwave ovens can – according to Kellyanne Conjob – turn themselves into spy cameras for George Soros, it is time to bring modern technology to bear on our most fundamental and (theoretically) cherished rights – the right to vote.  And not just the ability to have our votes hacked, changed or deleted.  We need technology to Make Voting Great Again.  Remember, our Founding Fathers only wanted wealthy, land-owning white males to vote…for electors (the Electoral College), who in turn would decide who would be president.  Now just about everyone can vote, but there clearly needs to be more to voter registration than being over the age of 18, not currently serving a felony rap, and having a pulse. 

Morans like this should not be voting until they get some help

So You Think You Can Vote

What we need is a way to determine that before you cast a vote, that you have sufficient social and mental capacity to know what the hell you are getting all of us into.  There is more at stake than making sure you can carry an assault weapon while you are getting shit-faced at the local bar, or that you cannot be forced to make a wedding cake for a gay couple, or that your teen-aged neighbor who was raped by her father is forced to have that baby, or that your taxes – which are more than most people make in a year or two – should be lowered.  What this country needs is a Mental Detector.  We need one in the White House, we need several in the Capitol building, and since some of our elected officials are so intent on voter ID, it is time to install mental detectors at all polling places.  It does not even matter if you are Democrat or Republican’t, registered to vote, living or dead.  (Apparently many dead people forget to cancel their voter registration, but almost none of them vote. Some say this is illegal, but what if it is simply incredible dedication?)  All we really need to know, and obviously now more than ever, is whether or not you are electorally competent before we let you select people to run this nation for years on end.  America needs the amazing new Mental Detector™ to weed out the mental defectives.

America needs mental detectors

Moron-a-Tron’s Mental Detector™ can detect even the smallest hint of meaningful, reality-based brain activity, and not just the kind that keeps your vital functions humming along.  Wouldn’t it be great to know what you are talking to before wasting valuable time trying to discuss politics with the guy screaming on the subway about how great Chrump is?  Once it is determined that there is more than a festering vacuum between the ears, the amazing new Mental Detector™ begins phase two.  It measures brain waves and can determine if the person being scanned has any factual knowledge of American history, foreign affairs and maybe a current event or two.  Addiction to Fux News and alternative facts is immediately recognized by Mental Detector™.

                         

Mental Detector™ can ascertain if the subject has ever read, or has even the vaguest notion of what is in the Constitution (the real one, not the imaginary one so many Americans claim to have faith in), a reasonable grasp of current events (the real ones, not the ones on Fux News, or what appears on Chrump’s Twitter feed), and the way our government works.

Can you spot the mental defectives in this picture?

Moron-a-Tron’s amazing new Mental Detector™ can!

The best mental detector on the market.

Unfortunately, even the best mental detectors known to man cannot fight voter suppression, gerrymandering, voting machine hacking and Republican’t COLLUSION with Russian election meddling, but we need all the help we can get.  If you are not mentally defective, get out and vote like your life depends on it.  It probably does.

Mental Detector™ – Using science to make America great again
Make sure your polling place has one

Another quality product brought to you by your good friends at Paying Attention 

Punk's A Tawny Pill

I Like Presidents Who Didn’t Lose The Popular Vote

November 15, 2020

Despite one of the most decisive drubbings in presidential election history outside of Putin’s Russia, Kim Jong Un’s North Korea or Idi Amin’s Uganda, Donald Chrump remains in a state of denial that makes his normal state of denial look like the epitome of mental health. When Chrump won by the same Electoral College margin in 2016, he described it as an “Electoral College landslide.” Losing that same election by almost 2,800,000 popular votes, Chrump cried foul. This, from the leader of the party that survives as a viable entity solely on its ability to cheat, rig and steal elections. This time Chrump lost the popular vote by more than 5,500,000.

Two days ago (seven days after Biden was declared the presumptive president-elect), Chrump emerged from his hole for the first time since everyone but him realized that Joe Biden would be the 46^th president beginning at noon on January 20, 2021. Chrump croaked about the apparent impending release of a coronavirus vaccine, continued to pretend that no one knows who will win the election he unquestionably lost so bigly (after almost accidentally admitting a new administration is coming in), saw his giant shadow and crawled back into his hole, assuring there would be another 68 days of a Chrump administration. God have mercy on our souls.

Chrump in the Rose Garden Melania killed, bragging about vaccine, ignoring election loss

Chump has been whining for five years that any election not resulting in a landslide victory in his favor is rigged. This of course is the exact opposite of reality, as we learned all too well on the evening of November 8, 2016. According to a group of government and industry officials who coordinate election cybersecurity, “The November 3^rd election was the most secure in American history.”

For Chrump, The Presidency Is About Hard(ly) Work(ing)

Not only should Chrump admit that he lost the election, he should leave office right now. He has already checked out as far as doing his job – not that he ever put much effort into it. Not only won’t Chrump allow President-elect Joe Biden access to daily intelligence briefings, Chrump won’t look at them himself. Chrump’s last scheduled President Daily Briefing was October 2. There’s a common phrase used by pundits and politicos, “We have one president at a time.” Right now, America has exactly zero presidents which, given the options between now and 12:00 noon on January 20, 2021, is one of the most comforting things to happen since Chrump descended his golden escalator in 2015.

Who can forget this stunning moment in American misery

Some close to IMPEACHED president Chrump say he will ultimately admit that he lost because the election was rigged, which is the same thing he said about the 2016 election that he won by losing the popular vote. Chrump will end up being the COVID-19 virus of presidents – not everyone dies from it, but ultimately, many survivors are left with myriad permanent life-altering deficits.

In 1962, six years before being elected to the presidency, inveterate liar Richard Nixon may not have known he was lying when he said, “You don't have Nixon to kick around anymore, because, gentlemen, this is my last press conference.” Unfortunately, we are likely to continue to have Donald Chrump to kick around some more.

It is exceedingly likely that Chrump will not leave us the fuck alone, with the possible exception of him getting the Jeffrey Epstein treatment in prison. Otherwise, chances are – and I hate to use the word in this particular context – good that Brain-Damaged Don will be running for president in 2024 and we will once again be required to see and hear him, as well as all the angst, fear, loathing and projectile vomiting commensurate with that.

Foul of a feather: Epstein and Chrump

I hope the media will not continue to obsess over Chrump once he is removed from office. Given the fact that he is the most dishonest president in history, no one should care what he has to say once we are rid of him. The media, who Chrump called “the enemy of the people” (not unlike Nixon), should mercilessly and relentlessly shun him.  He should be treated like a soiled diaper. Throw it away, to be relegated to a landfill where it may still end up being instrumental in our demise, but more slowly and out of sight. You know, like global climate crisis.

I. Mangrey reconstituting.

It's A Doll's Life

Chrumpy

November 13, 2020

“Frankly, we did win this election.”
Donald Chrump, Nov 4, 2020

“No, you fucking did not.”
Ed Venture, Nov 5, 2020

“No, you fucking did not.”
80% of Americans, Nov 12, 2020

Remember Chucky? The horror movie about a doll come to life? For some reason – I never saw the movie, but it was hard not to know about it due to all the ads – Chucky ended up being a murderous psychopath with bizarre orange hair. Sound familiar? Our current outgoing president reminds me of Chucky, as he reportedly stomps around the West Wing alternately raging and moping as he mulls over his exit strategy.

Chrumpy is looking at literally dozens of court proceedings in New York City and the state of New York, as well as some number of federal crimes that may yet turn into indictments. Chrumpy is hold up in the West Wing pacing, moping, raging and soiling himself for over a week now. Unlike Chucky, Chrumpy is no doll. He is a real boy. And a real piece of work.

Chrumpy readies himself for attempts to remove him from office

Maybe Chrumpy really thought he won. After all, like an inanimate horror movie doll suddenly come to life, he is completely untethered from reality. Maybe Chrumpy really thought he had a legal leg to stand on, and would ultimately prevail in the courts on the strength of his imagined voter fraud. Voter fraud that his lawyers have now admitted, in court, under penalty of perjury, did not actually exist. It is apparently still difficult to prove in court the existence of something that does not exist. And apparently, Chrumpy’s lawyers, while they were willing to tell their client that they were prepared to go into battle on his behalf, were not willing to commit perjury in his name. What a shame for poor little Chrumpy. Someone change his diaper before it’s too late.

I. Mangrey recalculating.

What Happens When Someone Wins The Popular Vote…

And The Electoral College Vote?

November 12, 2020

Today On Spiteline With Ted Koppel…

Our nation continues to be held hostage by Donald Chrump. He lost to Joe Biden bigly and none of his fake lawsuits, designed only to incite his minions to feel aggrieved, stay loyal to their fearful leader and conceivably to commit violence in Chrump’s name. Chrump does not care if his cultists are jailed or killed in acts of obeisance to him. He only cares that he feels popular. He will not pay their legal fees; he does not have any money. He will not shed a tear if they are arrested or shot by law enforcement while breaking the law; he does not have any feelings for anyone but himself (unless you count his pathetic, disgusting lust for Ivanka as feelings).

It is like America is trying desperately to pass a kidney stone. And this is a big one and it is the size and shape of Donald Chrump. The pain is excruciating, but it may require surgery. Passing it the normal way just doesn’t seem to be in the cards. For now, all we can do is stand back and stand by. Chrump has allegedly told some close to him that he will have to be dragged out kicking and screaming. I’m sure we could do some crowdfunding to cover the cost of renting the necessary equipment to haul this toxic blob out of the People’s House at the appointed hour. If not, I am confident we could round up 80,000,000 or so folks to heave him and his suitcases onto Pennsylvania Avenue.

For now, we must sit back and watch him go through his fake lawsuits. He knows they’re fake. He knows he’s fucked. Maybe he’ll have to leave the country. Oh wait, he probably will be on a no-fly list any minute to keep him from skipping town before his court appearances.

America grabbed the Pussy by the ballot box. When you’re a democracy they let you do it. Chrump does not understand the meaning of the word democracy. If he did, he would be dead-set against it. He is at his very core a fascist. This is one reason Chrump cannot accept not being granted a second term. Especially since he has repeatedly discussed having three or four or more terms.

Many people are confused by Der Furor’s plan to settle the election to his liking. It’s all so simple. His message was made clear by his minions in the hours and days after voting ended.

Chrump supporters in Arizona at a point when Chrump was behind in the count:

Much chanting of “Count our votes!”

Meanwhile, across town, Chrump supporters in Pennsylvania at a point when their guy was ahead in the count:

Much chanting of “Stop the count!”

So, there you have it. Chrump wants to have his cake and fuck democracy too.

The troubled toilet tweeter keeps at it

Many of the votes Her Chrump wants uncounted are the votes of our men and women in the military, whose votes are typically the last to arrive and the last to be counted. One could interpret this as Chrump attempting to assure that our service people will be the “suckers and losers” he believes them to be.

The vindictive twerp Chrump is refusing to provide any and all transition resources to the Biden team, withholding funds, access to office space* and even daily intelligence briefings Presidential Daily Briefings or PDBs) to the incoming administration. Bill Clinton, before it was even clear that Bush was going to be appointed president by the Supreme Court, extended every courtesy to the incoming team, including access to the PDBs – a lot of fucking good that did** – not knowing they would mostly go ignored because apparently, Republican’t presidents 1) don’t give a shit about national security, and 2) can’t fucking read.

Chrump is currently purging top Pentagon and Intelligence officials he deems insufficiently subservient and replacing them with mindless sycophants, in an attempt to surround himself with loyalists who will back up his bogus claims of having won a second term, with the likely goal of a coup d’etat. He might want to check with all the suckers and losers in the military to see if they have his back, or if they might prefer giving him a Cesarian ejection.

How Chrump is planning to deal with Biden’s election victory
(with sincere apologies to chimpanzees everywhere)

Or perhaps…

________________________

*This may be a blessing in disguise since the West Wing is swimming in dangerous virus…and COVID-19 too; just about everyone who spends time there ends up infected by the virus, which in some cases is even worse than being infected with Chrump.

** You may recall Bush famously ignoring the August 6, 2001 PDB, five weeks before the 9/11 terrorist attacks in U.S., with the heading “Bin Laden determined to strike in U.S.”, and rudely dismissing the agent delivering the briefing.

I. Mangrey, horrified.

America Held Hostage – Day 4

When Sore Winners Lose

November 10, 2020

A crazed, artificially-colored madman, his “hair” disguised as a ridiculous (many say pathetic) circus wig, is holding the federal government of the United States hostage after being soundly defeated in one of the least fraudulent elections in American history. The lunatic has barricaded himself inside the White House, after having successfully colluded with Russia to rig the 2016 election in his favor, but having done so unsuccessfully in 2020.

The hostage taker is currently engaged in torturing his hostage. No ransom has been demanded as of yet, other than making him the illegitimate leader of the free world, 500 buckets of KFC, two five-gallon drums of Diet Coke, and a lifetime supply of his preferred hair-simulation products.

America’s Abductor-in-chief and his not-so-merry-white-men are refusing to allow the duly elected 46^th president – his god-sent replacement – to begin proper transition protocols. If anyone needed further proof of Chrump’s priorities, that proof is on full, frontal public display. He is his only priority and he will be kicking America in the crotch for the next 71 days, so stock up on toilet paper and valium if you value your sanity and sanitary. 

Not only does Donald despise the land of his birth (as far as we know, after all no one has seen his birth certificate), but he is continuing to bilk his faithful followers by claiming he needs more of their money (remember when he said he was going to self-fund his 2016 campaign and did no such thing) for his phony, evidence-free lawsuits against America. It turns out most of that money is in fact earmarked to pay off Chrump’s campaign debts. But since Donald is best known for welshing on his debts, one must assume that this money will go directly and irrevocably into his now-empty pockets. Did he mention that he’s really rich? Yes he did. As always, he was lying.

No one can be certain whether or not domestic terrorist Chrump will literally burn down the White House, the federal government (what's left of it) or the entire country. Do not underestimate his evil nature, insanity or propensity to incite violence. His entire raison d'être is REVENGE and he has millions of deranged minions just looking for any excuse to manifest murder and mayhem.

Don't count your chickenshits before they're hatched

And yes, ladies and gentlemen, this syphilitic yahoo will start campaigning for another run in 2024 at noon on January 20, 2021 if not sooner. After all, it's not like he has anything else to do. He has never had an actual job. Except this one, which he never did. If we manage to one day finally excise him from the government, he will go around the country holding rallies and spreading COVID-19 like the infectious disease he is.

I. Mangrey, still on the case. Just in case.