Speaker Shock

The Speaker Needs To STFU

October 29, 2023

We recently discussed how the Fascist/Trump Party was digging down to the bottom of the barrel in their desperate frenzy to find a warm body (brain optional) to wield the speaker’s gavel in the House of Representatives. Little did we know that they were going to end up removing the bottom of the barrel in order to find a writhing MAGAt that would not incur the Wrath of Con. Every single Ratpublican voted for the most radically undemocratic speaker since Newt Gingrich - who ultimately left in disgrace and continues to be one.

 

Mike Johnson looks innocent enough, but

you may know a man by the company he keeps*

No one had even heard of the “man” who is now second in the line of succession to the presidency. Sen. Susan Collins was asked if she knew him and she said no, but she would Google him very soon. Fascist putz Matt Gaetz glowingly heralded – on convicted felon Steve Bannon’s podcast – MAGA Mike Johnson.  Gaetz giddily squealed, “If you don't think that moving from Kevin McCarthy to MAGA Mike Johnson shows the ascendance of this movement and where the power in the Republican Party truly lies, then you're not paying attention.” Well guess what asshole, Paying Attention™ is my middle name, and while MAGA may be ascendent in your festering party, you will soon find that it has most Americans hugging a commode and coughing up blood.

MAGA Mike turns out to be one of the worst sickos sliming up the works in Congress. He has only been in Congress for seven years, making him the least experienced and least vetted speaker in modern history. He will do damage and his reign will be brief.

Get A Load Of This Yahoo

Johnson is a Christo-fascist who believes that Noah’s Ark, and everything else in the Bible is historical fact. He believes this nation should live according the version of the Bible he believes is real. Separation of Church and State has no place in Johnson’s imaginary America. He would like nothing better than to make his America our America.

Johnson has repeatedly espoused one of Fucker Carlson’s favorite conspiracy theories – the racist “replacement theory,” which claims Democrats are trying to replace the rightful Americans (i.e., white people) with “illegal immigrants” who will allegedly vote only for Democrats. Johnson supports a total ban on abortion and voted for same to become federal law.

Johnson has also said that states have legitimate rights to ban “same-sex, deviant intercourse,” and supports a national “don’t say gay” bill. He obviously opposes marriage equality.

As we reported earlier, Johnson believes that mass shootings are a result of the cultural revolution of the 1960s. He blames the rise of mass shootings on "no-fault" divorces becoming legal, legalized abortion, and schools embracing the teaching of evolution. Now why didn’t I think of that? Oh I remember, because it is pure, unadulterated, bat-shit crazy bullshit, that’s why.

The day after the Lewiston, Maine mass gun murder spree, Johnson told Sean Hannity, “At the end of the day, the problem is the human heart, not guns, not the weapons. At the end of the day, we have to protect the right of the citizens to protect themselves, and that’s the Second Amendment.” No, it fucking is not.

It is never good to wish harm on anyone, but today it is necessary to do so when it comes to members of the pro-gun-murder party, all of whom are personally responsible for aiding and abetting the murder of thousands of innocent Americans whose human hearts are no longer beating.

Johnson remains an unabashed insurrectionist, who voted to stop the certification of Joe Biden’s landslide ousting of Donald Trump. The New York Times called Johnson “the most important architect of the Electoral College objections” in defense of Trump’s Big Fucking Lie. . After becoming speaker, Johnson was asked if he still thought the 2020 election was stolen, he brushed off the question saying his position on that was well-known and he would not be talking about issues at that time. A MAGAt to the core. 

Now, two heartbeats away from the presidency, we have and anti-democratic douchebag who is an excellent bet to interfere with the 2024 election if he doesn’t like the way Americans vote.

At Least Russia Is Happy

It is nothing new for the Fascist/Trump Party to side with Russia over the United States despite their constant caterwauling about “America First,” which of course has always been a fascistic battle cry. So, it will come as no surprise that a Russian state TV host celebrated MAGA Mike becoming the Speaker of the House.

The Russian host chirped, “Where Ukraine is concerned, it's sufficient to look at Johnson's ratings with his respect to his support of Ukraine. His rating is very poor. This means that all of this suits us well.”

Look a little closer – Johnson sans makeup and obfuscation

Now that Johnson is no longer obscured in the shadows, now that everyone – like it or not – can see him, now that we are learning, after the fact, what he is all about, Johnson is claiming amnesia regarding much of what he is on record as having said time after time, over many years.

I for one, will take him at the words he has been repeating for decades. I will not take him at his new word.

Speaking Of Assholes Named Mike…

The one called Pence has dropped out of the Fascist/Trump Party primary that he was pretending to be in. Go to Hell, go directly to Hell. Do not pass Go. Do not collect another penny from dumbass contributors.

___________________________________________________ 
*And by many years of video evidence of horrifying, backwards, hate-filled, anti-democratic drivel.

I. Mangrey revealing.

Question (And Answer) For The Day

Hey Kids, What Time Is It?

October 27, 2023

Today's answer is:

It’s too soon to talk about gun control right after another fucking mass shooting. That’s what fucking time it is.

That is, except for assholes like disgraced ex-Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich and countless other Ratpublican, pro-murder shitheads who wasted no time after another mass shooting calling for more guns. It's never a bad time for that bullshit.

That’s what fucking time it is.

Even gun control advocate Sen. Chris Coons (D-DE) went on the news and said the Second Amendment is foundational to individual rights in America before reiterating his support for changes. But no senator, the Second Amendment has nothing to do with individual rights. In case you forgot, the Second Amendment is about a well-regulated militia being necessary to the security of a free state. It says nothing about individuals wielding weapons of mass destruction or owning guns outside of a well-regulated fucking militia.

But wait. Someone else has an answer. Newly installed Speaker of the House Mike Johnson knows exactly what causes all the mass shootings in America. According to Johnson, mass shootings are a result of the cultural revolution of the 1960s. He blames the rise of mass shootings on "no-fault" divorces becoming legal, legalized abortion, and schools embracing the teaching of evolution. Yes, teaching evolution. Not guns. Clearly, the new speaker not only doesn't believe in evolution, he may be proof it never happened.

There have been 566 mass shootings in the United States of Gun Death in 2023. Damned hippies.

This has been your Paying Attention™ Question (And Answer) For The Day.

Broken News

The Great 2024 American Jerk Off

October 27, 2023

Both affront-runner Donald Trump and fast-fading-fuck-up Ron DuhSantis found it necessary recently to show off their self-pleasuring “prowess,” presumably to lock up the incel vote.

This is how I masturbate, mostly to pictures of myself. What’s so funny?

I know how to make myself feel good, and I can do the same for America.

While Trump may appear to outsize randy Ron, remember, Donald’s tiny little hands make everything around him look larger, except of course, his uh-brain.

Also, it appears that Ron has given up on the 2024 race and has shifted his focus to winning in 2016. You go gurl.

Meanwhile, Not To Be Outfarted…

Trump exhorts attendees at one of his Bund rallies:
Pull my finger!

This has been a Paying Attention™ Special Broken News report.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled pleasuring.

Broken News

Speaking For Those Who Should Not Speak

October 24, 2023

Rep. Jim Jordan, the flesh-eating-bacterium of Congress, finally conceded defeat after losing vote after vote after vote, each defeat more humiliating than the last. Given the recent demise of Jordan and likely any hope of the Fascist Party finding a suitable, or even worthless (as is their wont) replacement for the hapless Kevin McQarthy, it is clear that some new blood is called for as the next Speaker of the House.

Speaking of blood, the heated fracas almost came to fisticuffs as Ratpublicans met privately to put the final nail in Jim Jordan’s speakership coffin. They are now at their half-wit’s end as they scrape the bottom of the barrel of monkeys in search of their next soon-to-be-ex-speaker. The barrel is filled nearly to the brim with idiots and assholes who went on the record on January 6, 2021 objecting to the certification of the completely legitimate results of the landslide bashing of Donald “World’s Most Offensive Defendant” Trump by Joe Biden.

While Democrat Hakim Jeffries would likely be an exemplary speaker, there is no chance that the MAGAts will tolerate any kind of compromise, bipartisanship or aptitude of any kind.

As If We Needed More Proof…

The reliably dimwitted fascist EmptyG admitted that her caucus is broken. Unsurprisingly, her reasoning was as disgraceful as it was pathetic. The reason Marge gave for the sorry state of her party was “because Republicans (her word, not mine) worked with Democrats.” And there you have it in a nutjob…I mean nutshell. The problem with the Chaos Caucus is that some of them done went and acted like adults interested in doing democracy stuff.

Not one of the past dozen or so Ratpublican speakers, nor all of them combined, could deign to shine Nancy Pelosi’s pumps. They know it, but they have no idea what to do about it. It is entirely possible that they don’t even care. As it now stands, a dozen or so back-benchers are throwing their hats (soon to be towels) into the ring in a desperate move to stop looking like complete incompetents. It’s not going to work.

So, while Team Trump scurries back to the drooling board to come up with a warm body, it's time to think outside the idiot box. To this end, it is time for a completely neutral, consistently unopinionated citizen to enter the fray. Someone who knows a legitimate fucking election when they see one. Someone who is neither racist, fascist or mentally crippled. Someone who can unify Congress and the nation-at-large. As you probably know, there is no requirement that a Speaker of the House be a member of the House, or even in government.

Vote for me and I’ll set you free!

And so, it is with a heavy hand that I announce my candidacy for Speaker of the House. Please be sure to threaten your member of Congress, their families and random people on the street where you live in order to drag me across the finish line so we can keep our government harming…I mean, humming.

This has been a Paying Attention™ Special Broken News report.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled sturm und drang.

BONUS TRACK (one of our favorite bands you never heard of)

The Bears – Save Me

Broken News - UPDATE: Jim Jor-Done

No Jackass Requred

October 20, 2023

After three crushing defeats, each worse that the last, tiny-brained election denier and all-around douchebag Jim Jordan continued his doomed quest to lead his party over the cliff. With all the certainty of a paranoid schizophrenic, Jordan had one more hand to play. He dragged his bloody caucus into a secret meeting to gauge what he assumed was his irresistible (excluding of course, the three recent assurances to the contrary) appeal once his besties could truly express their love for him away from the prying eyes of the media, Democrats, the public and presumably Jordan’s lord and savior – Donald Jurassic Trump.

A funny thing happened behind those closed doors. It was 50 shades of fuck you. Instead of losing 25 members who were willing to incur Trump’s wrath by voting against his hand-picked candidate, 112 members of the Fascist Party said no thanks, while only 86 continued their massive delusion that Jordan was the right man for the job.

So, it’s time to stick a fork in rapist-enabler Jim Jordan. And not just figuratively. I think every one of us should find out where this treacherous cretin is drowning his sorrows and stick a fucking fork in him. I think it will help take his mind off of his ignominious smackdown. Or at the very least, remind him of it.

This has been a Paying Attention™ Special Broken News update.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled schadenfreude, already in progress. 

Broken News

Three Strikes And You Suck

October 20, 2023

Mildewed moron Jim “Never Gonna Fuckin’ Be Speaker” Jordan stuck his proverbial dick in the speakership guillotine this past week. With peer popularity to rival the dislikes of Ted Cruz and Matt Gaetz, Jordan saw his vote total in the quest for 217 crater under the crushing weight of his enmity. Vote #1 saw Hakim Jeffries pull down 212, with Jordan squeezing out a paltry 200. Vote #2 gave Jeffries the same 212, with Jordan’s total slipping to 199. All this came after all manner of threats against Jordan’s fellow Fascist Party colleagues and their families.

Jim Jordan, seen here asking reporters if they think
people hate him just because he’s an asshole

An election denier to the end, and never one to be out-dumbed, Jordan pushed forward for a third spanking. He got what he wanted. Vote #3 saw Jordan’s target number reduce to 215; fortunately for democracy, his actual vote count melted down to 194. Some people might see a trend here. No telling what Jordan is seeing.

To Rep. Jordan,

This is how voting works, asshole. People register their wishes on the record and other people count up the votes. The person with the larger number of votes is known as the winner. The person with the smaller number, and as it turns out this appellation applied to you well before even your first defeat at the hands of people who know you very well, is the loser. In your case, as regards your pathetic attempts to strongarm people to vote for you, you are a three-time loser. In this case, anyone who cared to was able to watch the voting, the counting, and your repeated losing live on television. No Dominion voting machines built for Hugo Chavez. Maybe you were in the room where it happened, but we have no confidence that you are able to interpret what is happening right under your nose, and we know that there is no result not to your liking that you will accept as fact.

Fuck you very much,

I. Mangrey

This has been a Paying Attention™ Special Broken News report.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled happy thoughts. 

Thought For The Day - Armani On A Pig

Stress For Success

October 20, 2023

There has been much talk and more hand-wringing about how senators dress and how it reflects on the dignity of the office.

Sen. John Fetterman (or is it his body double) preparing to preside over the Senate

You wanna talk about dignity?

Sen. Marsha Blackburn (R-TN)

Sen. Tom Cotton (R-AR)

Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX)

Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC)

Sen. Josh Hawley (R-M

Sen. Ron Johnson (R-WI)

Sen. John Kennedy (R-LA)

Sen. Rand Paul (R-KY)

Sen. Rick Scott (R-FL)

Sen. Tommy Fucking Tuberville (R-AL)

Sen. J.D. Vance (R-OH)

Sen. Kyrsten Sinema (?-AZ)

All of the above have always dressed appropriately (with the exception of Sinema), but have all behaved shamefully, either repeatedly or consistently. 

This list did not include dimwits like Marco Rubio, Susan Collins, John Cornyn, Tim Scott, John Thune, Joni Ernst, Chuck Grassley, Tim Scott, Tom Tillis, Mike Lee, Joe Manchin, Robert Menendez and of course, Moscow Mitch McConnell, all of whom are assholes and/or idiots, but always so properly attired. And that's just the Senate.

In reality, Sen. John Fetterman (D-PA) started this whole thing because of his attire. While Fetterman may be undignified in his sartorial choices, he is intelligent and dignified in his actions. Well, maybe not always the most dignified, but sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire.

Any argument over decorum and dignity at the highest levels of our government can be put to rest with one picture (too many to choose from) and three little words:

Donald Jackal Trump

So, go ahead, talk about how John Fetterman dresses.

This has been your Paying Attention™ Thought For The Day.

What do you think?

Fun Fact For The Day - Caucus Block

Animus House

October 17, 2023

Rotting bag of protoplasm in human’s clothing Rep. Jim Jordan (R-DJT), after several days of pressuring his colleagues to vote him in as speaker, got his dumb ass handed to him on the first round of voting.

I’m looking forward to a long, drawn-out process like the one we saw when Kevin McQarthy wasted everyone’s time kowtowing to MAGAworld in order to live his dream-cum-nightmare of becoming Speaker of the House by any means necessary. McQarthy’s speakership lasted only a few weeks – after 15 grueling (or hilarious, depending on your perspective) votes – only to have the gavel pulled out from under him after he displeased his not-so-benevolent overlords by daring to attempt getting stuff done.

Caucus Block

Jordan came in a distant second to House minority leader Hakim Jeffries. Jeffries garnered 212 votes to Jordan’s 200. Back in January, McQarthy got 201 on his first try.

In today’s Trump-dominated Fascist Party caucus, Jeffries has two significant disadvantages which all but disqualify him from becoming speaker. First of all, Jeffries is a Democrat. Second, he is very intelligent, serious and well-spoken. Oh, and I almost forgot – Hakim Jeffries is Black.

Calling Jordan a parasite does a disservice to fleas, ticks, maggots and other living creatures of their ilk. As mentioned here recently, Jordan’s Ohio colleague and former-speaker John Boehner singled Jordan out as a “legislative terrorist” who has never done anything constructive during his 16 years in the House. In fact, Jordan is responsible for exactly zero pieces of legislation during his tenure. He has though been responsible for much yelling, screaming, useless hearings and wasted time.

Jordan, Jordan he’s our man, if he can’t do it,
no one will be surprised

Jordan is a weasel. On January 2, 2021, he led a conference call in which he, Trump and other ratfucking members of the MAGA caucus discussed strategies for delaying the January 6 certification of the 2020 election. They also discussed using social media to encourage Trump’s minions to ‘march to the Capitol’ on the 6^th.

Jordan was instrumental – a tool, if you will – in Trump’s attempted coup. When asked to testify before the Jan 6 Committee, Jordan refused to honor the subpoena served by his colleagues.

Jordan plans to continue leaning on naysayers in hopes a better vote tomorrow. You know what they say, if at first you’re a piece-of-shit loser, cry, try again…if you absolutely must.

Fuck him and the whores he rode in on.

This has been your Paying Attention™ Fun Fact For The Day. Yuck it up. 

Return Of The Keystone Caucus

The Crap Rises To The Top 

October 14, 2023

The Fascist/Republican Party simply cannot govern. They cannot even govern their own caucus. Half of them cannot even govern themselves as individuals. The party is rife with numbskulls, racists, petty tyrants and flaming assholes. These are their only talents. They are simply good for nothing but flagrant self-promotion. Hopefully many of them will find themselves out of jobs come November 2024. For now, they are still here holding Congress hostage and terrorizing democracy and the American people.

At the direction of disgraced, twice-impeached, four-time-indicted (so far), failed insurrection leader and Fifth-Amendment-dependent ex-one-term-president who still rules the Fascist Party with a tiny iron fist, the very-low-IQ Keystone Caucus fired their own henpecked…I mean hand-picked speaker without having a replacement ready to take over. It’s almost like they don’t care about governing. More likely, they don’t know the meaning of the word, or most words for that matter.

The Outhouse Of Representatives

Because of the House fascists patented inanity, they are now paralyzed. And not just mentally. Nothing can budge in the House without a speaker, even a vapid, ineffectual, soulless douche like Kevin McQarthy, or someone who compared himself to KKK douchebag David Duke, or sexual-abuse-adjacent Jim Jordan, or even longshot candidate for speaker rapey pumpkin Donald Trump. All of these quarter-wits voted to overturn the 2020 election. These idiots aren’t even good at shitting their pants.

If there is anyone less qualified, less intellectually and psychologically competent, more of an unrepentant election denier and forever-Trumper, and a shameless insurrectionist than Kevin McQarthy it would be frontrunner du jour and current party nominee for speaker Jim Jordan. John Boehner called Jordan a “legislative terrorist.” And lest we forget, Jordan is still in defiance of a congressional subpoena subpoena – that would be the very same Congress he wants to lead (off a cliff). If Jordan gets the rose and the gavel, all bets are off.

Jordan is a small man physically and intellectually,

but he is huge in the stupid department

If all of this isn’t bad enough, Jordan has received a “complete and total endorsement” from bull goose looney Donald Trump. As of now, Jordan is around 60 votes short of the majority needed to claim the gavel, and around 50 points short of a double-digit IQ.

Hapless House hacks: EmptyG, Boebert Santos, Jordan, Gaetz,
Stefanik, Gossar, Scalise

For his part, after whining about Netanyahu and attacking Israel and describing Hezbollah as “very smart” (at least he hasn’t called them very fine people…yet) Donald Jew-hater Trump is poised to win the Nobel Putz Prize. As they say, the fish rots from the head down, though in this case the entire fish has been rotten for a long, long time.

I. Mangrey reporting.