A Farce Of Nature

Huckabee Sanders And The End Of The World As We Know It*

April 9, 2024

WARNING: we are fully aware that today is not April Fools’ Day. Apparently, every day is April Fools’ Day for some people, or more likely some people are just fools every fucking day. To (half)wit…

Arkansas’ second-generation governor, first-rate (and second-generation) numbskull (and alleged crook) Sarah Huckabee Sanders declared a state of emergency in anticipation of the April 8 solar eclipse. It is entirely possible that the baby-pea-sized “brain” rattling around in Huckabee Sanders’ very thick skull had confused ‘eclipse’ with ‘apocalypse.’

Beware The Apoceclipse.

No one asked the white nationalist, Trump-addled shitwit if there was in fact some confusion between the two words, or perhaps some very concerning permanent brain damage. No reporter had any interest in spending the amount of time with Sanders that it would have taken to get her answer, which would have been frightening no matter what explanation she chose. Most reporters were more than willing to chalk it up to religious fanaticism and a complete lack of critical thinking ability.

It has yet to be determined if Huckabee Simpleton is dumber than EmptyG who is sticking with the Cro-magnon explanation that the gods have been angered and blocked out the Sun in the hope that we will all repent. The ancient Chinese thought an eclipse occurred because a giant dragon swallowed the Sun, Margie probably thinks it went up her ass.

Clearly, her face is badly broken, and likely leached through to whatever is inside there.

The idiot sans savant governor of the dumbass state that elected her – after having every opportunity to watch her, day after stupid fucking day, lying her pathetic ass off in service to a demented, deranged, disgraced, twice-impeached, twice-indicted (so far), failed insurrection leader and Fifth-Amendment-dependent ex-one-term-president – put out the following statement three days before the never-before seen event that figured to end the world (or maybe just Arkansas?) by blotting out the Sun for some unknown period of time, possibly forever. 

Spoiler Alert: scientists know exactly how long it will last, exactly when it will happen again, where to watch it, and they actually know how and why it happens.

Unfortunately, people like Huckabee Slanders believe they are not affected by things like science. they answer to a dumber power. “Out of an abundance of caution**, I've directed funds to be released from the Response and Recovery Fund ahead of the Great American Eclipse.” Is it possible to drunk-dial a press release?

The “Great American Eclipse?” what the fuck is that? It’s an eclipse – there were some 70 total eclipses and countless partials in the 20^th Century. Not all are visible from the U.S. The last one we could see was only seven years ago. What we have here is a total eclipse of the brain. Someone really needs to seek professional help and serious medication.

And for a change, it’s not me.

Long live the Apoceclipse. Is it over yet?

I don’t know about the rest of the world, but I guess I was spared being obliterated by the Apoceclipse due to the massive, very dark clouds that eclipsed the Apoceclipse where I live. For the rest of you who did not survive this devastating catastrophe, tough shit.

Probably because I decided

to listen to it on the radio

In Other News Of The Toxically Stupid…

The Fascist/Trump-controlled Congress returns from their most recent recess with a very long to-don’t list.

Like:

          Renaming Washington Dulles International Airport after former president Donald Trump (In response, House Democrats introduced a bill to rename the Miami Federal Correctional Institution in Florida as the “Donald J. Trump Federal Correctional Institution.”*** At least that makes sense.)

Impeaching DHS Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas for the crime of working for the Biden administration

Withholding aid from Ukraine

Literally kissing Trump’s ass live on C-SPAN

Ousting another hapless Speaker of The House

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*And I don’t feel fine.
**That’s caution, spelled s-t-u-p-i-d-i-t-y. And it’s an over-abundance.
***This is not a joke.

I. Mangrey reporting. You decide.

A Pretzel For Your Thoughts

Surely, You Must Be Choking

April 8, 2024

Remember this fucking asshole?

Today, as millions of Americans scramble to view the total eclipse of the Sun which, depending on who you listen to is the manifestation of God’s wrath (I'm looking at you, EmptyG - bless your heart), the end of life on Earth as we know it, or just another in a long string of celestial events that are completely predictable. For example, we already know that the next total solar eclipse viewable in North America won't be until August 23, 2044. Soon many dangerously unstable and frighteningly ignorant people will be positing why that day was chosen – is it Antifa, pregnant women, or maybe the Jews after their space lasers have all be confiscated?

Instead of all that, we here at Paying Attention™ have decided to gambol down memory lane at what could have been a momentous day in American history, but alas, sputtered with a whimper, barely remembered by all but the truly weird.

Long, long ago, before the Trump Times (not to be confused with the End Times...well, that actually remains to be seen), in a galaxy right where we all are, previous worst president in American history George WTF Bush was almost killed by a pretzel.

President Moron briefly lost consciousness on January 13, 2002 after he choked on a pretzel while watching football in his ill-gotten living quarters. Bush II fainted, then tumbled from a couch to the floor. He bruised his lower lip and suffered an abrasion the size of a half dollar on his left cheek (see image above, laugh and dream of what might have been – forgetting for the moment that Dick “Shoot-Em-In-The-Face” Cheney was VP). With Bush out of the way, Cheney would have taken over. If Cheney was unable to end elections, he would have served out Bush’s first, ill-gotten term and it would have been very unlikely Cheney would have been elected on his own. And the Supreme Court would have at least thought twice about appointing another president so soon after their first presidential perfidy.

Professional dumbass and the only president ever appointed by the Supreme Court (so far) after they illegally stopped the counting of votes in Florida – the state whose governor at the time was the brother of the losing/appointed-anyway candidate – almost bought the farm at the “hands” of a patriotic Pennsylvania pretzel.

Hammond’s of Lancaster, Pennsylvania:
The Pretzel that almost saved America

Surely there is some sort of heroic foodstuff that can come to America's rescue before it’s too late. A courageous chicken bone? An overly-crispy French fry? Perhaps a classified document Trump is trying to hide from authorities. You know he still has a bunch of them stashed somewhere, and you know that he has a habit of disposing of papers he’s too rushed or too fucking lazy to flush down the toilet by stuffing them in his sphincteresque maw. After all, those documents do belong to him...according to him, though no one else who follows the law agrees.

I. Mangrey reporting. This story is making me thirsty.

Broken News – It’s The Eclipse, Stupid

Goodnight Sun

April 6, 2024

Many people are saying that this coming Monday the very incapacitated yet dangerous, the barely alive yet unstoppably vicious Joe Biden is planning to permanently (or possibly for four minutes) block out the Sun as part of his “deep state plan to kill global warming, exactly two weeks before Earth Day.”  

According to one of those in the “know” who spoke to Paying Attention™ reporter Allison Wunderland, “Biden is so worried that he is going to be crushed by God’s emissary Donald “Growed-up Jesus” Trump that he is planning to kill every living creature on Earth – a very, very flat Earth, by the way – by blocking out the Sun on Monday afternoon. Biden knows that Lord Trump’s witch hunt hoax porn-star-hush-money trial begins the following Monday. He knows that once Mr. Trump sets foot in that fake courtroom to finally bring this pathetic witch hunt crashing down, the real president will become so powerful, so unstoppable, that Biden will be so humiliated that he will be forced to step down immediately so that Donald J. Trump can be sworn in.”

The man went on like that for another 40 minutes, but while editing the tape we decided that there was nothing else worth repeating. However, after he finally shut the fuck up, he took his own life right there on the street by putting a plastic MY PILLOW bag over his head and securing it with a giant rubber band. Our reporter did not think it was her place to interfere, but did suggest the cameraman stop recording. This did not matter much since dozens of bystanders had their phones out and trained on the unfortunate lunatic in order to memorialize the incident.

In any event, just in case this is a real eclipse there is one thing you should never do…

Don’t be a fucking moron. Don’t look at the eclipse. And you

don’t’ need to point at it. Everyone else knows where the Sun is.

This has been a Paying Attention™ Special Broken News report.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled blackouts.

Fifth Dead In Ohio Anyone?

Take Him To The River, Drop Him In The Water

April 4, 2024

Pathetic loser and murderous asshole Kyle Rittenhouse is on a speaking tour of college campuses under the auspices of the racist organization Turning Point USA. The reason eludes this reporter and there is no interest in finding out what it might be. Instead, I prefer to learn second-hand how it’s going, and it’s going as well as could be hoped. 

Thus far, the little shit has been challenged with questions from anti-racists and hustled off the stage in Tennessee at the University of Memphis. At his next stop, Rittenhouse again had to cut short his screed at Western Kentucky University. Some might consider this an example of the definition of insanity – doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. I prefer to think of it as an example of unparallelled douchebaggery.

Rittenhouse is scheduled to shoot off his mouth at Kent State University in Ohio shortly before the anniversary of the National Guard gunning down four Kent State student protesters on May 4, 1970. The Kent State Massacre took the lives of Allison Krause, 19, Jeffrey Glenn Miller, 20, Sandra Lee Scheuer, 20, and William Knox Schroeder, 19.

Kent State Massacre, May 4, 1970

On August 25, 2020, when he was 17, Rittenhouse shot three men, killing two of them, during the civil unrest in Kenosha, Wisconsin that followed the shooting of Jacob Blake by a police officer. Rittenhouse, having made his way from Illinois to Wisconsin, presumably to hunt black protesters, was armed with an AR-15 style rifle and had joined a group of armed citizens (i.e., criminal shitheads) in Kenosha who had said they were there to protect local businesses. And who asked them to do that, you ask? Don’t ask.

Most recent photo of Rittenhouse

A jury weighed two counts of homicide, one count of attempted homicide, and two counts of reckless endangerment, and found Rittenhouse not guilty on all charges. It’s good to be armed and white in America.

Rittenhouse feigned remorse as he wept in hopes of drowning the jury and keeping his sorry ass out of prison. Killer Kyle’s fake tears at his hearing are the stuff of legend. Kyle’s croc-o-shit tears would have made Niobe laugh hysterically.

Despite my efforts to guide him toward a better path in life, the allure of notoriety triumphed over the prospect of putting in the hard work of pursuing an education. Kyle is ill-equipped to offer advice to young people. I regret my role in shaping him into whatever he has become. If I had known what I know now about Kyle’s history, I wouldn’t have been involved.
                David Hancock, former spokesman for Kyle  Rittenhouse

Krocodile-Kryin’ Killer Kyle in happier times

When Crocodile-tear Kyle shows up at Kent State (if he is dumb enough to do so) and begins yapping about whatever the fuck he’s planning to whine about, someone should call in the National Guard.

 
Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young – Ohio

I. Mangrey reporting. How can I run when I know?                                

                                                                          

Time To Tick It Up A Notch April 1, 2024

A Picture Is Worth A Thousand Turds

April 1, 2024

We have spoken previously about our respect and great affection for the majestic elephant. One of the most intelligent, civilized and caring creatures on this miraculous planet. A planet that a large group of people – we will call them people due to the limitations of our language and this being a fucking family show – who have undeserved decision-making power, and who could hardly have shown more disregard and disrespect for our entire planet. This group of individuals at some point in this nation’s history decided that their symbol would be the elephant. Don’t know why. Don’t care to bother looking it up.

From The Economist

All I know is that they do not deserve, nor should they any longer be permitted to insult the mighty and noble elephant by disgracing its image as their logo. Just as we have almost rid ourselves of all the disrespectful utilization of Native American imagery, and insulting phraseology as name, mascot and/or logo for groups of local sports mercenaries (still looking at you Atlanta Assholes and Kansas City Chumps).

It is time to disallow the hateful, fascist Trump-infested political party formerly known as Republican – now a wholly-owned/soon-to-be-bankrupt subsidiary of Donald Trump – to use the elephant for their nefarious purposes.

Speaking of nefarious, the Republicans have another, newer, likely more temporary mascot – an orangey-diaper-stain-of-a-man with make-believe (it could never make me believe) “hair” with tiny hands and over-sized clothes – probably to camouflage his diameter – who has completed a hostile takeover of the GQP. Unfortunately, this pathetic puppet has not replaced the vaunted elephant, just humiliated it as he drags it around by the trunk.

Newer Republican mascot at Bund rally in Ohio*

We here at Paying Attention™ have come up with what we believe is an excellent and infinitely more appropriate creature to represent the Fascist/Trump party, seeing as they are a bunch of skeevy blood-suckers, who are unfortunately certain to be darkening our doors for many years to come. These creatures, along with poison ivy and mosquitoes are some of the few to benefit from the burgeoning climate crisis.

Bid a long-overdue farewell to the Republican Elephant and give a rousing welcome to

The Fascist/trump party Tick

Meanwhile, Democrats had better watch their ass.

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*Oops. I’m being told that this is actually Gritty the mascot for the Philadelphia Flyers hockey team. It must have been the skin color and fake hair that threw me off. In my defense, Gritty is much more realistic-looking. 

I. Mangrey reporting.

Praying Attention™ - Donald H. Christ

Donald Lied For Your Sins

March 31, 2024

“I'm a very proud Christian, actually.”
     Donald Trump

“Bull fucking shit, actually.”
Ed Venture

Professional conman Donald H. Christ…I mean Trump continues to beguile many Christians in his latest attempt to remake America (and God) in his image. Of course, many of these Klan-members-in-Christ’s-clothing are more than happy to be guiled in order to get their way. Trump is claiming to be a “Christian warrior” who will make certain that if he reclaims the White House, “no one will be touching the cross of Christ.” This from someone who has never seen the inside of a Bible despite now being an unraveling “Bible” salesman, hawking a special edition designed to fleece his flock and fill his own pockets. Trump is the guy who would put the money lenders in charge of the Church. Oh wait, they already are.

Nice work up there

Like Jesus, Trump is fond of being a selfish, greedy SOB, grabbing women by the pussy, lying every time he opens his mouth, stealing money from his followers (and anyone else who happens to have anything to do with him), cheating on all of his wives, threatening to kill or have others kill for him, and putting himself above God. I am not a Christian, so I might be wrong about Jesus doing all these things that Trump absolutely did. So, if that’s true why is Trump treated like the new Jesus? Is it because he once said, “I am the chosen one?” Is it because some dumbass said that Israelis love Trump “like he’s the King of Israel. They love him like he is the second coming of God” and Trump retweeted it?

Keep trying. You fuckers ain’t got a prayer. Try an exorcist.

If Jesus did not behave like this, I have to wonder why so many self-described devout followers of his have hitched their asses to the most irreligious, conniving, rapey, hateful pig they could find. Trump has never seen the inside of a church other than, one assumes, his three weddings, which for all we know might have been held on golf courses. He clearly believes that any religion not based on him is for suckers.

Trump is a self-made martyr; he reminds us of this every time he opens his face sphincter, although most actual martyrs are not rapists, thieves, conmen, and godless narcissists. Just sayin’.

Donald H. Christ:

He’s not a messiah; he’s a very naughty boy.

Not only is Trump not the Messiah, he is in fact a double-reverse Jesus. Whereas it is said that Jesus died for other people’s sins, countless people have already died for Trump’s sins, with many more to come should he not disappear from the public sphere very, very soon. Let us pray.

He’s such a good Christian, possibly the best one ever

An Oldie, But A Great-y

God is dead. Trump still lives. Go figure.

I. Mangrey regretting.

Paying Attention™ Book Club

A Special Promise For This Holiday Season

No Need To Thank Us

March 30, 2024

“When fascism comes to America, it will be
wrapped in a flag and carrying a cross.”
attributed to Sinclair Lewis

I am obviously not cool enough to even think about wearing Trump’s new golden sneakers. I wouldn’t even care when they fell apart after wearing them for a few hours. I would have treasured those few moments, watching people point and stare and laugh.

I have to admit however, that I’m very excited about Trump’ astonishing new God Bless The USA Bible. Surely there is nothing like it, and with good reason. After all, who could match Trump’s sense of style and taste? No one, that’s who, except maybe that My Pillow guy. He is also special.

Because I am a real patriot, I am not going to buy just one copy, I’m not going to buy 100 copies. I am looking forward to not sending them out as presents and/or hate mail. Everyone reading this can expect to not receive one of these fake bibles in the near future and for all time. Surely, all of you are yearning to not have your very own copy. Not having this special tome right beside you, under your very own roof, will make your home that much more inviting to friends and family, and most strangers.

This “Bible” is a limited edition, so we are planning to not get them immediately so that you will be able to not get yours from us as quickly as possible. And for a select few out there, we will not be sending you one a month for one whole year. One lucky reader will also not be getting a first edition copy of Donald Trump’s masterpiece (written in its entirety by Tony Schwartz, who now regrets ever having written it, and donates all profits to charities despised by Trump).

“I don’t know if Donald read every word in The Art of The Deal,
but I know that I wrote every word in it.”
Tony Schwartz, actual author of The Art of The Deal

As far as we know, Paying Attention™ is the only blog making this promise: you will never be getting one or more copies of the Donald Trump-endorsed “Bible” from us. Guaranteed. Or your money back.

You are very welcome.

From everyone here at Paying Attention™

Thought For The Day – A Pause In The Disaster (Sort Of)

Premium (Dis)Content

March 29, 2024

How interesting. Insurance companies are getting squeamish about insuring homes in the face of the slowly-burgeoning mushroom cloud that is Climate Crisis. They don’t want to insure people who are likely to need insurance the most. It seems these cash cows are much less interested in protecting us from disasters than they are about collecting our premiums. This is, after all, their forte if not their entire raison d'être. Paying claims is something they only do under extreme duress, that is, when they can’t manage to shirk this unwanted aspect of their job description.

These greedy, parasitic corporations…I mean, people are already abandoning Florida and California. And if you live somewhere else that has weather and/or is subject to climate, you will be next. It is becoming exceedingly clear that this is not a matter of if, but when.

To paraphrase The Who, I hope I die before I get fucked over.

Remember, insurance companies really care about you (paying your monthly premium on time).

This has been your Paying Attention™ Thought For The Day.

What do you think?

The Fooler Bible Saleman

Introducing The God Bless The USA Bible

March 28, 2024

Disgraced, twice-impeached, four-time-indicted (so far), failed insurrection leader and Fifth-Amendment-dependent ex-one-term-president and proud rapist P.T. Barnum…I mean Donald Bloodbath Trump continues to find ways to fleece his feckless flock. The Goliath of grifting has teamed up with uber/faux patriot Lee Greenwood to dangle before the weak-minded among us an irresistible shiny object designed to extract money from those with little to spare to their favorite make-believe billionaire.

Trump’s tagline for his latest shameless con is “We must make America pray again.” We’ve got news for you buddy, many people have been praying for years, but not for what you what you think?

Trump told the gullible yahoos who still listen to him that “All Americans need a Bible in their home and I have many.* It’s my favorite book.” He may or may not have added, “I often use the wonderfully thin pages as toilet paper, which has nothing to do with my need to flush 10 or 15 or sometimes 40 times. The pages also make good snacks. Sometimes, when I'm not busy throwing it against a wall, I put ketchup on them. They are also good with peanut butter, and if you're allergic to peanuts, the excellent Bible verses will keep you safe. If not, who cares, it’s God’s will. You will really love The Art of The Bible…or whatever we’re calling it. These Trump-endorsed Bibles are very affordable – only $59.99. If you can't afford to pay that much for a Bible, just send $59.99 directly to me and forget about the stupid Bible. What about me? Donald Trump. Aren't I worth $59.99 to you? Do you want to save America or have all your loved ones blown to bits by the radical Democrats, Marxists, fascists and woke losers? God bless the United Shates and Donald Trump.”

Trump’s absurd Bible also includes other great hits from the hand of God

* The U.S. Constitution

* The Bill of Rights

* The Declaration of Independence

* The Pledge of Allegiance

* Full-color photos of all of Trump’s absolutely legitimate golf trophies that he totally won at his own golf course

Huh?

Who talked him out of gold plating it…
and leaving off the swastika?

Bipolar much?

One reviewer touted this travesty as “The best literary remake since Henry Ford’s autographed and annotated Mein Kampf.” 

This is the only Bible endorsed by Donald Trump himself. Unfortunately, it is also the only Bible not endorsed by God.

God weighs in, going right at professional conman and rapist Trump:

Sir, what the actual fuck? Why are the fucking Constitution, the Bill of Rights and other political documents in a Bible? Are you out of your fucking mind? You might as well have put The Best of Hustler in there. Neither one has anything to do with me. If anything, Hustler might be more appropriate since there was a naked woman in the Garden of Eden. This is utter bullshit, and I know bullshit when I see it – I invented bullshit for Christ’s sake. To quote Bill Cosby (my bad), “You know, I brought you in this world, and I can take you out. And it don't make no difference to me, I'll make another one look just like you.” Again, sorry about the whole Cosby thing, but nobody’s infallible. You hear that Pope dude? And dude, the fucking pages stick together. You even tell people to watch a YouTube video to learn how to “break in your Bible.” Since when do you need to break in a fucking Bible? What did you do, choke your chicken on each one? You are one sick fuck. And from now on, keep my name out of your fucking mouth. By the way, what’s with that fucking “hair?” I had absolutely nothing to do with that seriously fucked up shit.

Don’t miss out on this chance to not own a piece of shit history. Avoid buying your copy of this travesty against religion, democracy and humanity that only Donald Trump could put his name to today.

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*It would be harder to find Trump’s many Bibles than it was to find Saddam Hussein’s WMD.

I. Mangrey remorsing.