Trick or Treason

Votegra - America's First and Only Election Drug

Midterm Election Special Report/Advertisement

October 29, 2014 

Votegra is celebrating its ninth year as America’s number one medication for the nation’s febrile electorate. As with every election held since Votegra burst onto the scene in 2005, we bring you the best of what the Twenty-first Century has to offer to perk up our flaccid democracy. Hey it’s always worth a try. We survived the as yet unabated genocide of our homeland’s original peoples. We survived “knowing” that our great nation was built on the backs of African slaves, whose progeny we continue to harass, belittle and gun down in the streets, even after electing our first white president who is also black. We survived a devastating civil war, though some of us continue to fight it a century and a half later. We survived a president who ran the country according to the sage advice of a secret astrologer. We survived the leadership of a misunderestimated doofus who repeatedly fell off his bicycle and was almost assassinated by a pretzel. Technically, our survival of this last affront is pending. In any event, another mid-term election is upon us like a cloud of ether engulfing an already dazed and intellectually questionable populace. Please get out and vote if for no other reason than the Republican’ts don’t want you to. We now bring you, in its semi-original form, the very first Votegra ad…

Are you having trouble sustaining an election?

Important information about a powerful drug for a serious condition afflicting hundreds of millions of people the world over, even here in Americaland.

You may already be one of the many who need the most remarkable wonder-drug  of all time - VOTEGRA.  Not just for men. Not just for women. Millions of people all over the world are suffering horribly and don't even know it. Millions more simply pretend that everything is just fine. Others are, as we speak, having their right to vote jeopardized by Republican't corporate backers and their pet government operatives desperate to keep non-Republican't voters from exercising the most basic American right. One human, one vote.

You may actually believe you're healthy and happy and ready to vote in every way. Or you may simply be in denial. Don't let another election go by leaving you feeling angry, depressed, hopeless, powerless, useless, out of step, unamerican or just plain stoopid.  The FDA has waived all safety regulations and precautions - and that's almost a stretch for them since there were no huge sums of money offered. This drug is too important to ignore any longer although, given the current anti-vote environment, VOTEGRA may only be available in Canada and Mexico between now and November 4, 2014.

 Are you suffering from Electile Dysfunction?

Can't get into the booth like you used to? Are you voting blanks? Do you wish you could do it more often and make it mean something? Is your chad just hanging there limp and listless? Is your votecount shockingly lower than you ever would have expected? Do you get the feeling your vote is about to be suppressed? Is your once worthless candidate now just a worthless has-been? Does it seem like you’re just standing in an endless line waiting for your chance to pull the old lever again? Would you like to be able to throw a football through a tire?

VOTEGRA won't just help you keep an election for as long as you want. It may even help you prop up a government of your choosing for years on end. You'll be fighting off those corporate whores with a stick if you know what I mean. And why shouldn't you be - you put the pedal to the metal and made your vote count like you haven't been able to do for years. Who's your daddy now? With VOTEGRA your election will be valid every time. No more just worriedly wishing you had an election - VOTEGRA can make you feel like you could get that lever up and down any time you want to. Don't wait any longer - ask your doctor or senator if VOTEGRA is for you.

 

Electile Dysfunction is no joke; we're voting for quality representation for Pete's sake.  You may have Electile Dysfunction and not even know it. Do something about it before it's too late and you end up with a governor who is already under investigation for numerous felonies, or one that is the same size as the state he manages and shuts down major bridges to spite someone who wouldn’t endorse him, or a senator who claims to carry a gun in case the government doesn’t perform to her liking, a congressman who threatened to throw a reporter off a balcony and who thinks YOU are a lazy moocher sponging off the same government off of which he feels absolutely entitled to sponge. Oops, you waited too long, but at least thanks to term limits George W. Bush has been replaced. But nothing not quite as bad lasts forever. Please don't let Electile Dysfunction wreck our lives again.

Possible side effects of not using VOTEGRA include runny candidates, listless legislators, long lines, spoiled votes, butterfly ballots, purged voter rolls, Diebold, depression, another Depression, Citizens United II (corporations are people and people are not), PATRIOT Act IV, armed repression, cranio-rectal syndrome, un-Occupied Wall Street, Ted Cruz, Chris Christie, Jeb Bush, short-circuited recounts, Ayn Rand, another Antonin Scalia, another Clarence Thomas, another Supreme Court-appointed president, Armageddon.

If your election lasts longer than four years contact your arms dealer immediately.

VOTEGRA

Fixing Elections since 2005

brought to you by the 99% non-corporation

Four Easy Pieces

Short (on brains) Stories For The Soul

At The Circus

October 11, 2014

Smarter Than The Average Duck?

Duck Duck Bull Goose

Vigorously vying for the title of Bull Goose Loony, Duck Dynasty’s Phil Robertson once again put his dick foot in his mouth. The mighty duck hunter blamed "orthodox liberal opinion" for the spread of sexually transmitted diseases and insisted that "biblically correct sex" can't spread those infections in a sermon last month. And just what is this biblically correct sex of which America’s version of a Shia’a cleric spake? That would be one-man-one-woman, period. Save yourself for marriage, have intercourse with one person for the sole purpose of reproducing yourself and then walk off into the sunset. Who could ask for more?

Dummy Get Yer Gun

 

Hand over your gun doofus!

A Second Amendment aficionado took his brand new sidearm out for its very first open-carry leisurely stroll when trouble reared its ugly head. In short order he was relieved of his new pacifier by a fast-talking fellow firearm fetishist. The proud new fondler told investigators that another man approached him and his friend on their walk and asked for a cigarette. Apparently the group's conversation eventually turned to the victim's new gun. The man who asked for a cigarette allegedly pulled his own firearm from his waistband and said "I like your gun, give it to me." Miss Manners would surely approve of his politeness. Oregon’s KPTV reported that the man fled after the victim handed over his Precious.

I’m worried that once people are simply free to be openly carrying it’s only a matter of time before the Supreme Court will have to decide how long a man or woman and their gun have to be seeing each other before they can legally wed. Why can’t they just stay in the gun locker where they belong? It’s Adam and Eve, not Adam and .357.

 

She Loves Me, She Loves Me Not…Guess I’ll Shoot Her

 

In more excellent Second Amendment action, a clearly lonely man just couldn’t take no for an answer while pursuing a woman at a family event following a funeral. A scuffle broke out between the man and his target’s fiancé when his final attempt fell short. In the all-too-common standard operating procedure of gun nuts everywhere, the unsuccessful Romeo suddenly began to open fire. He managed to shoot the object of his afflictions as she ran away, then shot her twice in the head before turning his unwanted attention to her family members, injuring five more people before being arrested during his escape. I hope he finds it easier to get dates in his new home.

 

Those Pesky Voters

 

Governor Scott Walker, barely able

to keep his eyes or mind open

Full-time Ambien user and Wisconsin governor Scott Walker took a stand for the voter restriction law recently found unconstitutional by the Supreme Court – no great protector of voting rights lately. Only three of the court's nine justices - Samuel Alito, Antonin Scalia and Clarence Thomas - dissented. Nice guys. When asked at a town hall how many fraudulent votes had been cast in Wisconsin, Walker dodged the question saying, in his best Sarah Palin English “I don’t matter (sic) if there’s one, a hundred or a thousand. I asked amongst us who would be that one person we’d like to have our vote cancelled out by a vote that was cast illegally?” I guess that means zero. The court said the law violated the civil rights of black voters. A similar law in Texas was simultaneously struck down because it "creates an unconstitutional burden on the right to vote, has an impermissible discriminatory effect against Hispanics and African-Americans, and was imposed with an unconstitutional discriminatory purpose."

 

I. Mangrey reporting.

Thanks for dropping by. Hands up, don’t shoot.

Denying The Deniers Their Denial

Wake Up And Smell The Climate Change

Third Stone From The Sun
September 26, 2014

The People’s Climate March, the largest climate march in history, took place on September 21st in New York City. 400,000 people (and one Polar Bear) marched through Manhattan to once again attempt to raise awareness to what many, including high level military strategists, believe is the single greatest threat to world security in the not-too-distant future. The march more or less continued on Wall Street the next day as Flood Wall Street, in order to publicize corporate involvement in climate destruction. This march included the arrest of said Polar Bear along with 100 other land mammals.

Frost-Paw the protesting Polar Bear is cuffed by New York City police

while exercising his First Amendment rights to peaceably assemble

with fellow land mammals

Once again New York City’s finest earn their keep, as they did during the Occupy Wall Street protests, by protecting criminal corporations from peaceful citizens and one Polar Bear. As I recall their motto is ‘Protect and Serve’ though I naively assumed they were meant to protect and serve the citizens from danger. Apparently they have decided it is better to protect and serve those who perpetrate danger from the citizens they steadfastly harm in the interest of runaway profits.

Frost-Paw in happier times posing with fellow mammal

and president of the United States, Barack Obama

outside the White House on November 22, 2013

Meanwhile, in an effort to get to the truth as they insist it must be, the United States House of Representatives Committee on Science, Space and Technology held hearings to expose what they see as the Great Global Climate Change Hoax, among other things. Apparently the present-day mission of this Republican’t-controlled committee is the difficult task of proving or disproving the very existence of science, space and/or technology. This will likely be a very daunting task for a committee whose collective IQ requires high-tech scientific measuring devices typically used for calculating things like the distance between electrons in an atom. And since this committee remains unconvinced of the existence of any such devices, or atoms for that matter, it is unlikely that we will ever know…anything.

Committee member Larry Bouchon (R-IN) told the scientist/witness who suggested Bouchon consult actual research instead of public comments on the internets, “All the climatologists whose career depends on the climate changing to keep themselves publishing articles, yes I could read that but I don’t believe it.” When asked what exactly he does believe in, Bouchon could not be reached for comment even though he was standing right there while the question was being asked. Mr. Bouchon, who I assume is a mammal, though I have no actual proof of this, has as his top three sugar daddies the energy giants Murray Energy, Koch Enterprises and Peabody Energy, so clearly any potential accusations of conflict-of-interest must not be taken seriously. Unless of course you happen to be a mammal.

 The historic march in New York, along with marches in several other countries including Australia, Germany, France, Brazil, Columbia, India, England and Canada, was completely ignored by the liberal media. Right now the media, with its laser loser-like focus, has zoomed in on ISIS or ISIL or ASSOLE or whatever they’re called, in Iraq and Syria. These lunatics are thought to be making $6 million a day by selling stolen oil from their conquered territories. Remember when the Bush regime tried to con us into believing marijuana use was funding the Taliban while trying to sell us an illegal war? It was always oil that financed terror in the Middle East and it still is. And of course Bush and Cheney’s war was entirely responsible for the rise ISIS and so many other great things.

If we are serious about putting the screws to the terrorists in the Middle East we should promptly and swiftly eradicate the oil-based world economy. Without oil the entire power structure of the oil-and-terror-rich Middle East will be starved to death. Any alleged attempts to degrade this threat that do not include eroding the value of oil are merely meant to dupe us into thinking something is being done. Oh, and what luck, extricating ourselves from the toxic cloud that has been the Petroleum Age gives us a chance for a healthier environment in which to continue living.

One final note: The Rockefeller family, founders of Standard Oil with which they built their epic fortune, just pledged a $50 billion fossil fuel divestment. They did this as prelude to the United Nations Climate Summit. The Rockefeller Brothers Fund is already out of the coal and tar sands businesses. They are instead investing heavily in sustainable energy and climate solutions. The Climes they are a changin'.

I. Mangrey reporting.
Thanks for tuning in. Remember, climate change only exists in reality.