Broken News – Trump v. Troops

Trump’s “Death-To-America” Crusade Continues Apace

August 14, 2026

Donald “Death-To-America” Trump is such strong and powerful patriot, such history buff, especially the American Revolution, about which Private Bonespurs said, “Our army manned the airp…it ranned the ramparts, it took over the airports, it did everything it had to do.”

Now, Death-To-America Don and his alcoholic Secretary of Dense, Pee Hegseth are trying to recreate the conditions George Washington’s troops endured in the winter of 1777 at Valley Forge, on the USS Abraham Lincoln – the same aircraft carrier aboard which former worst president in American history George WTF Bush staged his cataclysmic MISSION ACCOMPLISHED photo slop – where 5,000 of our sailors and marines have been deployed for 265 days with shortages of food, toothpaste, deodorant and soap, with contaminated water, moldy showers, undelivered mail and care packages, and at least one attempted suicide (whose 19-year-old wife – home with the couple’s five-month-old daughter born while her father was deployed – was not even officially notified for four days), jumping off the ship and rescued after an hour in the water. Several others were stopped before doing the same. Hegseth calls all of this “fake news” while lying about the incredible “respect” he has for the troops. Hey, at least they have shoes, unlike Washington’s men at Valley Forge.

Don’t Blame He

It’s not Donny’s fault, he is swamped with critical self-aggrandizing vanity infradestructure projects like destroying the White House, fucking up the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool, building a massive, classless arch in Washington, DC, and once again slapping his soon-to-be ridiculed and universally-removed name on the John F. Kennedy Memorial Center for The Performing Arts.

And who has time to prosecute a war when he’s busy prosecuting his endless list of enemies? 

You can’t make this shit up folks…well you could, but why bother. Nobody does it worse better.

This has been a Paying Attention™ Special Broken News report.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled meal prep.