Putzpourri

Neither Snow Nor Rant Nor Heat Nor Gloom Of Night Stays The Stupid
From The Swift Completion Of Their Pointed Heads

Everywhere, USA
February 15, 2013

The United States Postal Service was explicitly authorized by the Constitution probably because it democratized the ability of all citizens to send and receive messages regardless of economic status or geographic circumstances while ensuring the privacy of said correspondence. Like everything else in those days it didn’t do much for blacks or Indians but, hey nobody’s perfect. Benjamin Franklin was America’s first Postmaster General, a post which became a cabinet-level position in 1792. I like Ben. Maybe that’s why I like the Postal Service so much.

Personally I think our postal service is one of the most amazing things going, especially now that even blacks and Indians can use it. You can send a letter anywhere in the United States for under fifty cents - not that anyone does, but you could if you wanted to. You can send packages anywhere in the States for a very reasonable price and they deliver anything you want right to your door. Sure they do what they do because the Constitution mandates it, but I’m pretty sure no private concern will ever perform like the USPS. They would simply tell people who live in inconvenient locales to take a hike…literally - these people will have to take a hike to get to a place convenient to whatever greed-based-corporate-blood-sucker oozes in to replace the USPS - to get their mail if we lose our current delivery system.

USPS couldn’t do anything without asking Congress until 2006. They couldn’t change the price of stamps, their hours of operation, close post offices in poorly accessible rural areas or stop delivering mail because of snow, rain, heat or gloom of night or because it’s Saturday, without Congress saying so.

Like so many other things in America and throughout the world, the USPS was put on a path-to-destruction, i.e. privatization during the George W. Bush outbreak whose Republican’t majority congress caused USPS to fund its pension seventy-five years into the future. No other business, public or private has to do anything even vaguely resembling this. No business could stay afloat under such conditions and strangely enough, the USPS keeps losing money. Thanks to this misanthropy the USPS is currently $20 billion in debt instead of having a $1.2 billion surplus, which it would have had if the deranged Republican’t law hadn’t been passed. Yet the USPS is entirely self-funded and takes no tax money to operate.

Truth be told, many hugely profitable private businesses simply trashed their workers’ pensions in the past decade or so, and the only ones who lost any sleep over it were those very workers. Speaking of workers, the USPS is one of the largest employers in the country and eliminating Saturday delivery will eliminate at least 25,000 jobs. The Republican’t congress in 2006, with no complaint from George W, made the Postal Service live under impossible conditions while the “president” and his know-nothing congress put two wars – one of which was illegal – on the nation’s credit card for eight years and made the country go broke. This asshat wasn’t willing or able to fund the actions he was taking while he was taking them but he thought it would be okay to make the Post Office fund pensions for three-quarters-of-a-century.

I think it says something about Americans that so many will fight tooth and nail for their guns, claiming it’s important to honor the Constitution, technically only a small section of one Amendment, but throwing a Constitutionally created and sanctioned, totally awesome and totally job-creating US Postal Service under the bus - no biggie.

Never content with merely destroying just one time-honored institution that makes life easier for every American, Tea Brains are pushing Congress to vote against reauthorizing the Violence Against Women Act, claiming it provides too much protection for women. Ya gotta love these big palookas, at least they say what’s up their asses on their minds. Do any of these geniuses have wives or girlfriends? If they were legitimate public servants we’d have a way of shutting their whole thing down. Republican’t State of the Union rebutter, Marco Rubio voted against reauthorizing VAWA just hours before delivering his State of the Useless tirade. Please continue Senator.

Rubio lunging for his water bottle midway through his inane SOTU response

Lastly, Barack Obama just got one of the most powerful endorsements for his new cabinet picks he could ever hope for - Dick Cheney. Yes, Dick Cheney, the man who shot his friend in the face, mistaking him for a flightless bird, and stole a dead girl’s heart, emerged from his death bed to spew more bile into the air whose oxygen and nitrogen (and minute amounts of other gases) he continues to consume and violate for no discernible useful purpose. Cheney is dead-set against all of Obama’s picks, one can only assume on grounds that they are not sufficiently filled with greed and loathing.

The Least Popular Political Figure in America (perhaps in all of American history), Cheney knows quality when he sees it. After all, following an exhaustive search of his entire bathroom he finally found the running mate George W. Bush sent him to unearth. Nobody could have anticipated that person would be right there in Cheney’s mirror. Even more surprising, who could have guessed that Cheney had a reflection? And speaking of high-quality appointments, Cheney had the good fortune to serve with the great Donald Rumsfeld, the unforgettable Secretary of Defense - the job Chuck Hagel wants - and the ever-misunderestimated Condoleezza Rice as Secretary of State - John Kerry’s new job. In a recent interview Cheney rattled off answers to a series of questions, but when asked what his main fault was he paused and looked down at what I assume was the gun in his lap, finally answering, "my main fault. I don't spend a lot of time thinking about my faults, I guess, would be the answer." Guess again you lying, murderous reptile.

Needless to say, Cheney’s latest caterwaul was not greeted as liberating. I think he is in the last throes, if you will, of his insurgency.

I. Mangrey reporting.
Thanks for listening. Responsible disdain for Cheney invited.

Walk Softly And Carry A Huge Purse

Weapon Of Choice
Choice Of Weapon

Capitol Offense Hill
January 31, 2013

You can't make this stuff up folks. Gayle Trotter, Senior Fellow at the Independent Women's Forum, insists on a woman's right to choose. You might want to know that the right to choose Ms. Trotter is so vigorously fighting for is the right for a woman to choose what weapon she wants to wield in order to protect herself from a horror-movie-like attack inside her own home. Trotter explained during her Senate testimony that, "Young women are speaking out as to why AR-15 weapons are their weapon of choice. The guns are accurate. They have good handling. They're light. They're easy for women to hold." And as we've learned over and over again, they're also easy for kids to take to school for Show-and-Kill.

Gayle Trotter, Gun Violence Lover
Placing a call to God

She is dead-set against a woman's right to choose what to do with her own body of course. In fact last year she even opposed the Violence Against Women Act, which gives women the right to choose to be beaten, raped and abused less often or at least to choose to see their attacker brought to justice. This is naturally something that Republican'ts feel could set dangerous precedents for men who need to perpetrate violence against women or worse yet, for their God who occasionally needs to watch women bear their rapist's child. There are some things a woman just shouldn't be allowed to choose.

Trotter, rather than present salient facts supporting everywoman's right to pump forty or eighty rounds into any would-be intruder - say a wayward teen who accidentally pulled into her driveway as a result of an errant GPS - instead chose to paint a Texas-Chainsaw-Massacre-esque tableau during her Senate testimony. The Senate Mice, just looking for a good excuse to back away from creating sensible gun legislation, were treated to a brain-rending story of a young mother opening her front door to a band of hardened criminals "as she’s facing three, four, five violent attackers, intruders in her home with her children screaming in the background, the peace of mind that she has knowing that she has a scary looking gun gives her more courage when she’s fighting hardened violent criminals." Where the hell does this woman live? Yemen? Texas? Maybe she should have a peephole installed to avoid opening the door to three, four, five men of unknown intent, especially if her babies are back there screaming and unarmed in the background. Do the words psychotic hypocrite ring a bell?

Interestingly, she and her merry band of armed loonies produced not one single case of an assault-style weapon or Rambo-sized magazine being used for defense purposes during their tortured testimony. All actual examples presented, mouth-watering fantasy-attack scenarios aside, were normal guns with normal capacities being successfully wielded in self-defense. Speaking of Rambo, even Stallone himself has come out in favor of banning assault weapons, "I know people get (upset) and go, 'They're going to take away the assault weapon.' Who ... needs an assault weapon? Like really, unless you're carrying out an assault. ... You can't hunt with it. ... Who's going to attack your house, a (expletive) army?" Apparently Mr. Stallone has never spent a weekend at the Krueger Trotter house.

I. Mangrey reporting.
Thanks for listening. Reprehensible comment invited.

A Paul Appalls

Son Of Son Of Paul Beats Woman A Hasty Retreat 

Westworld

January 16, 2013 

It was recently learned that the teenage son of Senator Rand Paul (R-YFKM), ditsy pseudo-libertarian son of pseudo-libertarian, semi-closeted-anti-Semite and perennial presidential candidate, soon-to-be-ex-congressman Ron Paul (R-TX) was arrested for under-age drinking and assaulting a female flight attendant during the first week of the new year. Rumors that Skippy William was still inebriated from his New Year's Eve festivities remain unsubstantiated, so it is assumed that the 19 year old was freshly lit to the gills. To be fair, I imagine tempers were short throughout the aircraft on the very long flight from Lexington, KY to Charlotte, VA - a grueling hour-long ordeal. Who among us could make it through such an arduous expedition without consuming enough alcohol to make you want to assault a woman in plain sight on a small plane? This of course presumes the younger Paul was not inclined to assault women as a general rule. 

Senator Paul, while admitting some disappointment in his son, mainly for getting caught, held a brief press conference to address the emotional issue. “Now look, this is supposed to be a free country and I don’t see how we can, in good conscience, put such harsh restrictions on our young people, where they can’t even get drunk and assault the occasional flight attendant,” said the semi-older Paul. “He was just exercising his genetic endowment and his freedom of stupidity just like it says in the Second Amendment...or one of those amendments. It hardly matters which one really. The point is, that our Founding Fathers were some pretty heavy drinkers and they never intended for us to have a legal age for abusing alcohol and punching out a few working class losers. They didn't even think women should be allowed to vote. This kind of behavior really harkens back to the great Boston Tea Party when those brave patriots, disguised as Indians in order to avoid being recognized, threw that tea into the harbor to demonstrate their God-given right to drink beer and whiskey and not that stupid British tea they were forced to drink by that tyrant George III." When reminded that most members of the original Tea Party crowd were born tea drinkers and essentially British themselves, Senator Paul snarled and walked out on the press conference.

The older elder Paul could not be reached for comment. The younger elder Paul could not even be found for the purpose of declining further comment. He is now busy preparing to fight any sort of gun control such as that just ordered by President Obama and supported by the American people. “I’m against having a king,” Paul the dumber younger said Monday. One might be forgiven for assuming he is most upset with his son for not taking a shot at that flight attendant, just to show his patriotism. 

 

Sen. Rand Paul in Westworld re-enactment

 

I. Mangrey reporting.

Thanks for listening. Responsible drinking (sans assaulting women) invited.

America Celebrates, Drinks and Goes Home

You’re Not Actually Paranoid If You Spent Your Entire Career Pissing Everyone Off And Ended Your Public Life In Disgrace After Illegally Bombing Cambodia And Covering Up The Break-in Of Your Opponent’s Campaign Headquarters, Causing Just About Everyone To Despise You For Good Reason

Nixonland
January 10, 2013

Just had to give a big fuck you shout out to our 37^th president, Richard M. Nixon who was the only American president ever to resign in disgrace (and that even includes the walking definition of disgrace, George W. Bush), after what became known as Watergate. If you don’t know about this, look it up. I’m pretty sure it was in the Washington Post. Nixon would have been one hundred years disgusting old yesterday. One of the most enduring legacies Tricky Dick left behind was the "-gate" suffix often affixed to any appallingly scandalous episode.



I had never seen or heard this quote from December 14, 1972, just a few weeks after Nixon secured the second term he would eventually relinquish to Gerald Ford, who was appointed vice-president after Nixon's second in dishonor command - Spiro Agnew - resigned due to criminal charges of which he was eventually found guilty, paving the way for Nixon's ultimate legacy of shame and paranoia: “Also, never forget: the press is the enemy. The press is the enemy. The press is the enemy. The establishment is the enemy. The professors are the enemy. The professors are the enemy. Write that on the blackboard 100 times and never forget it.”



Somehow this bastion of Republican't hubris presided over the creation of the Environmental Protection Agency, National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, Occupational Safety and Health Administration, Consumer Protection Safety Commission, Title IX, the Social Security Administration and the “Cost-of-Living Adjustment." Most of these more by accident of history than a keen sense of right-and-wrong.  Nonetheless this kind of unseemly behavior would have caused the Tea Party to run him out of town on an assault rifle in today’s political climate.

In other news of the morally and intellectually challenged, Fox News host and alleged mammal Eric Bolling is trying to sell the idea, long ago debunked by everyone else on the planet, that Saddam Hussein was involved in the 9/11 attacks.  Rumor has it that Bolling is currently at work on a documentary outlining proof that the Sun revolves around the Earth.  Stay stupid my friend.

I. Mangrey reporting.
Thanks for listening. Responsible irresponsibility invited.

I Have Seen The Future...or Something Like It

Predictions, Prophecies, Prognostications, Projections and Piffle

Somewhere In The Known Universe

January 1, 2013

Following a long night of intense "meditation" with many dear friends followed by what I can only assume was a period of deep medication meditation induced sleep, the New Year's "morning" Sun has "coaxed" me back to ordinary reality after my conscious mind temporarily stepped aside allowing the connection with all of time and space each of us hides inside us, to reveal many great secrets of the future. Of course the future is what we make it, not merely what some formless, very possibly non-existent universal essence imparts as prophesy to any mere mortal. But what the hell, we hairless apes just eat this shit up. However, for our own pieces of mind we must take such predictions with a grain of salt, a pinch of garlic and a whole mess of unscented bathroom tissue. As always, keep on your toes…not on anyone else's; keep your nose and genitals clean and protect your precious bodily fluids. And with that I give you my Predictions, Prophecies, Prognostications, Projections and Piffle for 2013…

January 28, 2013: Willard Mitt Romney will narrowly escape death and serious hair damage in a freak car elevator accident. Authorities will discover that Willard was hopped up on Coke and Marlboros and had been riding up and down in the elevator for twelve hours. Romney will then enter a Mormon rehab facility from which he will emerge with a heroin habit.

February 13, 2013: Dan Quayle will throw his hat into the ring for the 2016 presidential election. He will eventually fail to qualify for any primaries being able to submit only one petition with exactly one name on it.

February 28, 2013: Republican't governors will band together to outlaw abortions, gun regulations, unions, minimum wage, gay rights, Democrats, science being taught in schools and women working outside the home. "Hey, we didn't reinstate slavery," said a spokeswhiteman.

March 15, 2013: Sarah Palin will say 147 incredibly stupid things in 23 days causing her to lose her new Fux News show "Being The One Talking Is Me" after only one month. For example, "Having been a candidate of the vice presidency race, I can tell you exactly that going through the mind of Joe Biden is his running for president in 2016 as can be thought of as something thought about by others such as myself too," and "As is known by all of us, the president, Obama, having been born in an unknown place or country, he is unwilling to lead this country or even appear on my show, which has been requested by me for the purpose of his questioning thereof." And perhaps her greatest revelation, "I can  see myself in the mirror every time I look at it."

March 25, 2013 (just after sundown): Jesus will return to Earth and endorse Obamacare just before driving the money-changers from the Senate and the House of Representatives, smiting Pat Robertson, hurling expletives in Yiddish and then disappearing in a puff of strange smelling smoke and an ear-splitting, "Oy vey."

 

 

April 1, 2013: Bill O'Reilly's head will literally explode on air after it is revealed by the hacktivist collective Anonymous hacking into his broadcast, that he is in fact Ann Coulter.

May 1, 2013: NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre, shortly after being punched in the nose by Gabby Giffords, will be shot repeatedly while speaking at a hastily convened NRA rally the day after he shot up a movie theater, a crowded diner and a busy mall food court. He will say he committed these acts to show the importance of arming the entire U.S. population, which could have prevented his heinous massacres. Having survived these injuries he will be non-fatally shot more than once a week for four months as he travels the country espousing more-guns-in-more-hands, each time while clutching an assault rifle in his cold not-quite-dead hands. LaPierre will finally take his own life by tripping and falling while attempting to enter the grounds of the White House wearing an explosive vest.

June 21, 2013: A previously unknown Mayan calendar will be found with the end of time specified only as Tuesday, 4:20 p.m. 

July 31, 2013: The Ronald Reagan Ballroom, site of a conference of climate change deniers will be lifted up out of the parking lot and into the sky, having been separated from the remainder of the Holiday Inn in San Diego by a freak tornado, and smashed to smithereens twenty miles off the California coast after colliding with a huge chunk of glacier that just happened to be in the neighborhood.

 

 

August 3,2013: John McCain will single-handedly invade Syria in a final bid to get one up on Barack Obama.

September 24, 2013: Donald Trump will be strangled to death by his own hair due to the same freak tornado (longest sustained tornado on record) that abruptly halted the climate change deniers ball on July 31^st. His preserved corpse will continue to host Celebrity Apprentice for three more dismal seasons.

 

October 31, 2013: Weekly fiscal cliff/debt ceiling negotiations keep a riveted nation on pins-and-needles. Each time an agreement is reached it carries with it a six day expiration - hence the weekly crisis.

November 4, 2013: Clarence Thomas will utter his first word ever during oral arguments in the landmark case Obama v. State of Arizona, attempting to settle once and for all the critical issue of where the current president was born. The word Thomas will speak: "Huh?" The decision ended up being delayed when Antonin Scalia was rushed to the hospital after falling out of his chair, shocked by Thomas' unexpected utterance. Scalia's thick skull was undamaged while shattering the oak floor beneath him, but an artery in his arm was severed by the splintering wood. His condition remains uncertain - not that we were that sure of his mental state prior to the accident.

December 31, 2013: Colorado and Washington will be the only two states not to declare bankruptcy due to the enormous influx of cash brought in by taxing marijuana sales.

 

 

 

 

I. Mangrey predicting.

Thanks for listening. Responsible confusion invited.

Post Pseudo-Apocalyptic Payback Playback, Part 2

2012: Once More With Filling

Teetering On The Edge Of The (very silly) Fiscal Cliff

December 31, 2012



I hope you all enjoyed the halftime festivities. This brings us to the final day of 2012. For any of you still left conscious after wading through Part One, we're back with Part Two of The Post Pseudo-Apocalyptic Payback Playback. While Congress dukes out the final round of the Battle For King of The Fiscal Cliff, we take some time to stick our heads out the window and scream, "I'm as mad as hell and I'm not going to take this anymore" join with our friends to celebrate the fresh start of a new year. To escape from the petty calamities that surround us, and from this blog, if only for a few hours. Eat, drink and be merry for tomorrow you may wake up sober squinting up at the Sun rising over the Fiscal Cliff…

            July 4, 2012

The Science Beat

By Ed Venture

Higgs Bosons, Big Morons And One Giant Mitt Wit

Scientists believe they have finally discovered the long sought after Higgs boson, better known as the God Particle.  The Higgs boson is the last missing piece scientists needed to explain how all matter in the universe has mass under the Standard Model, the most-widely accepted theory of particle physics.  The Higgs boson has been extremely elusive.  The only things more elusive than the Higgs are coherent thoughts by Tea Party politicians and a consistent position on any single issue by Willard Romney.

Lead researcher, Allyson Wundarland recently generated excitement with what she thought was clear example of Romney holding a position for more than a nanosecond, but it turned out he accidentally reread a statement from his teleprompter.  Wundarland explained, “I’ve been after this for so long and really thought this was the big one.  Willard, I mean Mr. Romney was speaking to a group of mental patients at one of his better attended campaign stops and I was sure this was it.  I admit I was a little sleep deprived; after all I’ve been on Romney’s trail for the better part of a decade and as he’s as good a sedative as there is, but I cannot afford to let him anesthetize me off my game.  There was a point in his presentation where he said that the healthcare mandate was not a tax and then repeated that statement and I almost screamed out in surprise, but I caught myself just in time, not wanting to startle the already tense and unstable crowd.  I quickly returned to my lab with the video only to discover that Romney had quickly reversed himself at the moment I became excited.  I can’t believe I lost my focus and my objectivity like that.  I will not give up though.  If my colleagues at CERN can find the damned Higgs boson anything is possible.  I just know it.  One day Willard Romney will agree with himself.  And I will be there to verify it.”

            July 11, 2012

Money See, Money Do

Global Economy Change

Before I go any further I must share a statistic that should be important to 88% of Americans.  I recently read that 12% of Americans apparently disagree with the premise set forth in the Declaration of Independence that a government derives its legitimacy from the people.  I’m not sure where these brainiacs think our government derives its legitimacy.  The King of England?  Funk and Wagnall’s?  God?  The Flying Spaghetti Monster?  Their neighbor’s dog?  The Koch brothers? 

I understand that benevolent douchebags deities like the Kochs believe, in their tiny little hearts, that they are doing all they can to trickle down on us undeserving peons.  They’ve been hard at work trickling on us since St. Ronny graced us with his presidency and his union-busting, anti-regulation giveaways to the already greedy wealthy.  The only problem, other than the fact that, in all these years, not one drop of golden rain has yet to trickle all the way down to the huddled masses and our economy is on the fast track to nowhere and unemployment remains intransigent, is that anything that trickles down immediately evaporates back up to where it started.

            July 18, 2012

Romney’s Bane

As if all that wasn’t enough to drive a Mor(m)on to drink, his helpers are not helping so much. Romney surrogate and former chief of staff to George H.W. Bush, John Sununu, clearly not the sharpest crayon in the box, was evidently let off his leash too early, sputtering, “I wish this president would learn how to be an American,” shortly before his head exploded.  Sununu later apologized for “using those words.”  Not, of course for the disgusting sentiments they represented, just the actual words.  Then fellow Republican’t John “I-Lost-Five-Of-Our-Planes-In-Vietnam- and-Can’t-Remember-How-Many-Houses-I-Have” McCain, trying to deflect attention from just about everyone clamoring for Willard’s tax returns insisted he didn’t reject Romney as his running mate in 2008 because of anything to do with dodgy taxes.  McCain said he chose Palin “because we thought that Sarah Palin was the better candidate.”  Just so we’re clear - the McCain team thought that Sarah Palin, the moron’s moron, was a better candidate for vice president than “Mitt” Romney.  Sarah Palin.  McCain declined to speculate on whether or not he still felt that way.  Oh, the humanity.

            July 20, 2012

Bach-Mann:The Dim Wit Rises

Oh, Brother(hood) Who Art Thou? 

Now we have protesters in Egypt, pelting Hillary Clinton’s motorcade with shoes and tomatoes and screaming “Monica, Monica,” because… hope you sitting down…they’re watching too much Glen Beck.  These Egyptians, paying us back for The Bangles by walking like an American –albeit Glen Beck - are angry at America because the Egyptian people elected the Muslim Brotherhood candidate.  The Muslim Brotherhood appears to be about as anti-American as anyone could hope for, with the exception of good old drug-damaged, IQ-challenged Beck, who of course believes that Obama is a radical-Marxist-Muslim himself.  Stay crazy my friend.

In other news, America is once again shocked and saddened by the weekly senseless slaughter of innocent people by a whack-job with a gun.  Luckily the president took swift, meaningful action; he courageously called for a “day of prayer and reflection” and ordered flags to be lowered to half-mast.  That should finally put a stop to all the tragic gun violence in America.  As always, Second Amendment jihadists insist that the important lesson to take from this horrifying calamity is that, thanks to our one unassailable freedom, another unstable white guy was able to exercise his god-given right to have firearms.  Can I get an Amen…or maybe a WTF.

            July 28, 2012

Socialists On Parade

Wake Up And Smell The Marxists 

But now, one of our most special friends, Great Britain has stabbed us right in the back – on international television.  Judas, Brutus, Benedict Arnold, Prescott Bush move over.  There’s a new ex-friend in town.  The whole world must know how hard we are fighting to avoid falling victim to socialized medicine in this country.  We are practically the only civilized nation left who hasn’t destroyed their entire social structure by providing decent health care to all our citizens and we’re insanely (literally) proud of our unflagging resolve on this issue.  But somebody out there seems to forget who the boss around here is.  Those queen-loving, foreign socialists, The Brits had the nerve to celebrate their national health care service in front of the entire world during the opening ceremony of the 2012 Summer Olympics.  Like it’s something to be proud of.  What a bunch of wankers.  And I thought we had such a Special Relationship.  Not even the dreaded Chinese tried to pull a stunt like that when we let them have the Olympics.  And they own us.  From now on, nobody else gets the Olympics until they learn how to behave.

            August 1, 2012

Ex-Veep Verbally Violates Perpetually-Vexed Vixen

Half-Term Governor, Full-Time Half-Wit Comes To Defense Of Self 

Simple Sarah is back, haunted not surprisingly, by the ghosts of vice presidents past and future.  The smell of selecting a running mate for Willard “W-2” Romney is in the air, either that or BP farted again.  That’s the ghost of vice president future.  I’m pretty sure Sarah isn’t coveting that post right now, but I could be wrong; she’s a veritable piñata of brainless baubles.  I’m sure she still expects to be asked to join the Romney ticket.  I would pay to see that.

As you may recall, Cheney was asked by George W. Whatever to help him find a running mate for the 2000 election appointment and Cheney found George’s running mate in Cheney’s bathroom mirror.  Who knew that Cheney had a reflection?

Petulant Pageant Participant Opens Mouth, Takes Dump

The She-Gorilla From Wasilla, never one to waste an opportunity to waste an opportunity, jumped in front of the first camera she could find, coming to her own defense as only she could.  Princess Palin vigorously refudiated the unprovoked attack perpetrated by the metastatic lesion on our nation’s history that is Dick Cheney.  “Seeing as how Dick – excuse me, Vice President Cheney – never misfires, then evidently he’s quite convinced that what he had evidently read about me by the lamestream media, having been written, what I believe is a false narrative over the last four years, evidently Dick Cheney believed that stuff and that’s a shame,”*  Palin said.  Apparently Palin’s English as a Third Language lessons are, as one might have said, if one was inclined so as if, beginning to, as it could be considered to be causing some improved ability in the speaking of it.

In Cheney’s defense, he hasn’t shot anyone in the face in several years…as far as we know.  He does after all live in Wyoming, the least populated state in the Union.  Coincidence?  If Cheney shoots someone in the face in Wyoming do they make a sound?

*really and truly an actual quote

            August 9, 2012

Another One Has The Dust Bitten For Him

Texas just executed Marvin Wilson, a man with an IQ of 61, even though the Supreme Court in 2002 ruled that executing “mentally retarded” people was unconstitutional.  The Supremes gave states some discretion to decide who qualified for protection.  Discretion is not something you think of when you think of Texas.  "Despite all the signs of Mr. Wilson's intellectual disabilities and the diagnosis of the court-appointed neuropsychologist, the District Court of Jefferson County (Texas) concluded that Mr. Wilson is not mentally retarded," the ACLU posting said, with "not" italicized for emphasis.  As difficult as this may be, perhaps we shouldn't jump to any conclusions before all the facts are in, or before we make up our own facts to make us feel better, as did the District Court of Jefferson County.  It may just be that in Jefferson County, Texas an IQ of 61 is considered exceptional.  Justice Antonin Scalia handles emergency appeals from the 5th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals, which oversees Texas.  Scalia was asked for a stay of execution in this case, which he denied.  Sources say that Dick Cheney asked if he could be of any assistance.

            August 15, 2012

Ayn Ryan’s Express 

In 2005 Paul Ryan, then an up-and-coming libertarian heartthrob, attended a gathering to celebrate Ayn Rand’s 100^th birthday, which she was fortunately not around to enjoy.  Ryan offered up this heartfelt homage to his beloved inspiration, “The reason I got involved in public service, by and large, if I had to credit one thinker, one person, it would be Ayn Rand...you can’t find another thinker or writer who did a better job of describing and laying out the moral case for capitalism,” adding  “It’s so important that we go back to our roots to look at Ayn Rand’s vision, her writings, to see what our girding, under-grounding [sic] principles are.”  More recently Ryan gushed, “I give out ‘Atlas Shrugged’ as Christmas presents, and I make all my interns read it.”  For anyone keeping score, Ayn Rand makes Saul Alinsky look like Ronald Reagan.

Now that Ryan is working his way up the food chain it is becoming clear that not everyone, that is, practically no one, other than Ron Paul who named his idiot son after her, finds Ayn Rand to be an inspiration.  So Ryan has disavowed his love for Ayn Rand in public for all to see, claiming that his unbridled devotion to Rand in an urban legend.  The extensive video record claims otherwise.  Maybe Mr. Ryan, after becoming the next Sarah Palin, will immigrate to Russia and write the next great Russian novel: maybe The Emptyhead or Asshole Shrugged.

            September 1, 2012

Charge Of The White Brigade

For those of you wise enough to have ignored the Republican’t convention, I salute you; then I assault you.  You’re not getting off that easy.  Of course it’s no surprise that the Republican’t Party lies and stupids.  You go with your strengths.  But they didn’t just repeat their most important lies over and over.  They created a complete alternate reality, every word made up to fit the mood they need to create.  Goebbels would have been proud.  Just like their now-disavowed/disappeared past “president” they did everything possible to “catapult the propaganda,” but I don’t know where they’ll find the time to repeat all of the lies often enough.  I wish they’d just pick a few of the best ones and stick with them.  Speaking of disappeared former “presidents,” George’s little brother was invited to carry the Bush legacy forward, preferably without mentioning anything about the span of time between 2000 and 2008.  Talk about doing the dirty work.  You’d think he’d have changed his last name to Saud by now.

They pledge allegiance to themselves

Not the United States of America

And screw the Republic for which it stands

What assholes, oh my God

Where’s liberty and justice for all? 

            September 19, 2012

The Political Genius That Is Willard Romney

                                    or

Is That Your Real Hair, Or Do You Have A Dog Strapped To Your Head?

Willard Romney’s latest daily disaster (or disaster du jour as the French-speaking ex-missionary who baptized dead Jews and others would say) comprised video of Willard calling 47% of Americans who pay no income taxes ”victims who believe the government has a responsibility to care for them, who believe they are ENTITLED, to health care, to food, to housing, to you-name-it,” adding, “And so my job is not to worry about those people. I’ll never convince them that they should take personal responsibility and care for their lives.”   For some reason it didn’t help that he specified he was not referring to real Americans, just Obama supporters.  These ne’er-do-anythings include a laundry list of handout seekers like military veterans, retirees, special needs children, the working poor, recent graduates paying off student loans and those currently serving in the war that Republican’ts won’t even mention - Afghanistan.  Oh yes, there’s one more group of people draining the very lifeblood from our treasury - those worthless, tax-skating millionaires who only pay the tiny little capital gains tax on the money they earn by doing absolutely nothing other than being rich.

            October 2, 2012

Waiting With Debated Breath

Many thoughts and feelings fill our minds and hearts as America prepares itself for the first Big “Debate” of the 2012 election cyclone.  Questions, questions, questions, flooding the minds of today’s nauseated concerned voters.  Who will win?  Who will lose?  Will I be able to stay awake?  Will I be able to keep my dinner down?  Who will suffer the most zings and arrows of outrageous rehearsals?  Brother can you spare a dime?

All in all your best bet is probably watching the whole thing with the sound off and your eyes closed, but I can't because I. Mangrey... 

            October 14, 2012

Pompous Circumstances

Willard Romney, Inc. 

Corporations are people my friends.  Or so I have heard.  And one of those people is Willard Romney.  Willard "Bain" Romney still has oodles of stock in Bain Capital, stock that continues to pour money into his already very deep pockets and will continue to do so even if he is elected...well you know.  In the grand tradition of Dick "Halliburton" Cheney, Romney wants to bring his CEO sensibility to Pennsylvania Avenue.  If there is a God I hope he has not been surreptitiously baptized as a Mormon.

            October 18, 2012

Obama's Recovery Act

Romney’s platform is simple:  

   Romney: Every American will have their own Unicorn when I am president.

   Undecided Voter: But Unicorns don’t exist. 

   Romney: That’s not important right now. The important thing is that you can trust me when I say every American will have their own Unicorn under a Romney administration. I’m Mitt Romney and I approve this answer. 

   Undecided Voter: But governor Unicorn...I mean Romney, there is no such thing as Romneys...I mean Unicorns. The science is quite clear on this. Nobody has ever seen a Unicorn in the known history of humankind. We have fossil evidence that there were dinosaurs, but not one shred of evidence of the existence of Unicorns. How can you stand there and tell us we’ll all have our very own Unicorns? By the way, do you believe there were dinosaurs? 

   Romney: Unicorns are people my friend. I cannot tell you exactly how I will put a Unicorn in every American home until I am officially sworn in as president. 

   Undecided Voter: Are you high? 

   Romney: I am a Mor(m)on sir. I don’t even drink coffee and I frankly resent the implication that just because I have stood up here lying and misrepresenting everything I campaigned on up until this moment that somehow this has anything to do with my ability to lead 53% of this nation into a prosperous future. I am offended by your question sir. 

   Undecided Voter: I am a woman Mr. Romney. But thank you so much for clearing that up, severely-conservative-governor Romney. Does everyone in Massachusetts now have a Unicorn? 

   Romney: No they do not, just guaranteed health care...for now. I was saving this incredible Unicorn plan for my time as president. 

   Undecided Voter: So you stand by your promise to give each and every American a Unicorn once you become president. 

   Romney: Sir, I don’t know where you got such an outlandish idea. I never said anything about anyone getting Unicorns. Are you on drugs or just part of the 47% who thinks they’re entitled to government Unicorns? 

   Undecided Voter: Hurray! We’re all getting Unicorns. USA, USA, USA!

            October 24, 2012

All Policy Is Foreign To W. Mitt Romney

My Kingdom For A Horse And A Bayonet

I do feel sorry for Mr. Bush Romney.  The theme of the debate was after all Foreign Policy and policy of any kind is clearly foreign to Willard, especially when it involves foreign.  If we had any doubts about Willard’s grasp of the world-outside-his-magic-underwear-shoes, he forcefully and permanently put them to rest on Monday night.  Willard 3.0 apparently didn’t have the time to formulate new positions so he just repeated whatever Obama said, or in some way echoed the policies already in place.  All of course completely at odds with everything he had been parroting up until that time.  Romney is in the last throes, if you will, of trying to appeal to the undecided regular folks in Medieval America, but his new Obama-lite foreign-policy-like babblings are confusing the compromise-intolerant rabble still sitting at home scratching their heads and asses simultaneously. 

Barack Obama has decided to close out this campaign with the theme of Integrity, as in which candidate do you think has even a shred of it.  On this final leg Obama has the strong support of Bruce Springsteen while Willard has enlisted the musical backing of Pot Roast, I mean Meat Load...umm Meat Laugh, er, Loaf...hey Willard the Seventies called and they want their B-level talent back.  You may know Meat as one of the pathetic losers on king-of-pathetic-losers Donald Trump's Celebrity Asshole Apprentice or perhaps his lunch-wrenching stint on Celebrity Rehab.  I guess Romney had to bring out the big over-the-hill guns to help push his Final Lies Tour. 

 

            November 5, 2012

A Cry Laugh For (NO) Help  

Meanwhile, back to the other major disaster - Sandy.  Two things you should know.  Number one, W. Mitt Romney, who got very low marks for disaster response as governor of Massachusetts, compared cleaning up after one of the largest hurricanes on record to cleaning up a high school football field; and I quote, "I remember once we had uh, a football game at my high school and the football field afterwards was covered with all sorts of uh, rubbish and uh, paper goods from people who had a big uh, celebration there at the game and there was a group of us there that was assigned to clean it up. And I thought, how are we gonna clean up all this mess on this football field, there were just a few of us. And the person responsible for organizing the effort said, just line up along the yard lines...and if everybody cleans their lane why we'll be able to get the job done. And so today we're cleaning one lane if you will."  This was at the gathering where his campaign purchased $5000 worth of canned goods for hurricane victims, which his people gave to attendees so they could give them back to Willard in front of the cameras in a desperate attempt to make him look useful and relevant.   Willard sure has nice hair.

            From the editor - November 7, 2012:Maybe Things Don't Go Better With Koch

Good morning campers.  This is your host Ed Venture.  I. Mangrey is taking a well-deserved and desperately needed (my words, not his) day off but he does have some breaking news, which I will get to shortly.

 

Let me now share this breaking piece filed early this morning by I. Mangrey, now recuperating in a quiet room somewhere, but insisting this be heard: I know most of you are relieved and comforted today. Romney conceded in honorable fashion early this morning. He may yet have the last laugh though. My sources inform me that W. Mitt Romney is planning to reverse course and claim victory some time later today. "Conceding is just something you do on election night. Today is a new day and Governor Romney has had time to sleep on his earlier position and get into some fresh underwear," said my source close to the Romney campaign, "The governor phoned a small group of us upon awaking and has called us together for a strategy session. I think you can expect Mr. Romney to pull out the old Etch-a-Sketch and claim victory sometime around noon, Eastern Time today. He is convinced that his ability to change position on any issue at any time is still a powerful political tool, as is the governor himself, and he intends to make the most of it. I suppose we'll still have to wait and see just how many Americans will be willing to take this walk with us after the apparent defeat we suffered in the actual election yesterday. But hey, we still have a ton of money to throw around so what could it hurt. We fully expect the governor to take this bold and original step, after all his is a devout Mor(m)on and someone who means what he says...sometimes for the better part of an hour."  The source continued, "We are not going to allow the election results to be dictated by a bunch of fact checkers. We are in this thing for the long-haul."

            November 15, 2012

I’m A Little Occupied Right Now 

I’m just sitting here watching the wheels go round and round.  I really love to watch them roll.  Some of the wheels I'm watching are those that have come off the Tea Party bus as it turns a corner it cannot negotiate.  A new faction seems to be raising its head and voice as if emerging from a coma.  Americans With Brains turned out in impressive numbers to shut that whole Tea Party thing down.  This faction was always there, it just seemed like it had fallen and it couldn’t get up.  Then suddenly, it got up.  It seems quite possible that there is something blowing in the wind unlike anything we have seen, smelt, felt or tasted in a very long while.

It is clear to me as I reflect on the crawl-up to the election that one of the most significant catalysts in waking this sleeping giant and changing the entire dialogue was the Occupy Movement.  A significant number of people didn’t just stick their heads out the window, they went right out the front door and took their bodies out of their homes and into the streets to say, “I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore.”  They said it all across the country for months on end.  Once the Occupy Movement made their presence felt, a certain president in the process of seeking reelection decided it was at least safe if not in fact wise to attach himself to this organic expression of promoting the general welfare.

In fairness I suppose credit also goes to the Tea Party infection of 2010.  This raging infection of our political class certainly triggered an auto-immune response in the populace at large.  The Occupy Movement was that response, like a homeopathic remedy to stimulate We The People to take a stand against Wall Street, the banks and politics-as-usual.  I believe they struck a nerve.  Americans With Brains started believing in their ability to heal the Tea Party infection and leave their social-sickbed.

          December 8, 2012

Who Gets What You Pay For 

We're hearing a great deal of talk about entitlements these days.  W. Mitt Romney ran a campaign based on stopping people from getting stuff from the government like bombs, warships, tanks, more bombs, Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid, etc.  Stuff these people apparently think they're entitled to.  W. Mitt told a room full of greedy rich white folks that 47% of Americans were lazy moochers who simply feel entitled.  This, as it turned out, did not propel him to victory in the recent election.  What is wrong with this country?  Apparently one thing these indolent bums are willing to do is VOTE. 

Meanwhile, Senate Minority Buffoon Leader Mitch McConnell introduced a bill backed by Barack Obama, based on an idea of McConnell’s to give presidents permanent power to raise the Debt Ceiling as needed.  He didn’t think the Dems would allow the vote to take place.  Harry Reid said Bring It On, whereupon McConnell oozed up and filibustered his own bill. You just can’t make this shit up.

          December 20, 2012

God Kills Those That Shoot Themselves 

Guns don’t kill people, people kill people. You may have heard this bon mot before, in fact you’ve probably heard it at least thirty-one times since the Columbine High School massacre in 1999 left 13 dead and 21 injured. Of course guns don’t kill people unless some asshole, lunatic or just your average overpaid pro athlete gets their opposable-thumbed paws wrapped around one…or two.  So what's another senseless slaughter of innocent children among friends?

Just like a drunken Dick Cheney became secret and undisclosed for eighteen hours after shooting a man in the face, the cowardly NRA weasels went into hiding after the Sandy Hook Massacre.  The NRA must have been drunker than Cheney because they've been incommunicado for a full week. Usually they like to show up lound-and-proud in towns right after some gun-related tragedy takes place riling up their weaker-minded-better-armed minions to make sure nobody gets uppity and tries to crack down on gun violence. Not this time. This time they went silent. They suspended their Facebook page. They sent no high-profile gun-lover to scold Sandy Hook and America about blaming guns. 

Clearly we also need to change our policies on mental health care, for the fragile of mind who pick up guns and kill innocent bystanders and for the weak-of-mind Worst Responders whose only answer to every gun-related tragedy is MORE GUNS. These people need professional help, handcuffs and maybe their very own island somewhere.

          December 22, 2012

It Ain't Over 'Til It's Over…And Maybe Not Even Then

If you're anything like me - and I'm not suggesting that you should be - you didn't wake up dead this morning and were surprised, delighted, disappointed, bemused and/or unfazed to learn that all the mis-interpreters of Mayan cosmology were somehow wrong and the world did not come to a screeching halt.  

So Long And Thanks For All The Firearms 

So, on we go into the mysterious future, mysterious save for the fact that we will continue to see many more incidents of senseless slaughter as a result of music videos guns in the hands of unstable individuals, exercising their Second Amendment rights and who have the full faith and credit of the NRA. 

And that brings to the end of the year that was supposed to end ten days early. I blame Obama - he can't anything right. Everything was just fine until he came along. He's got us on the brink of a Fiscal Cliff, just because he won't give the Republican'ts everything they want…finally. And with that in mind, I bid you a happy and healthy new year. Use it wisely.  Be sure to tune in to these same stations tomorrow for my predictions for 2013. 

I. Mangrey reporting.

Thanks for listening. Responsible comment (and a happy 2013) invited.