Brave Sir Donald

There’s No Fucking Excuse

June 26, 2024

Thirty-four-time-convicted-felon Donald Trump (also convicted of tax fraud and found guilty of sexual assault and defamation) is desperately trying to find a way of evading the draft…I mean tomorrow's debate with Joe Biden. Trump and his malignant minions are busy trying to convince Americans that Trump is suffering from debilitating brain spurs…I mean that Joe Biden will be on performance enhancing drugs. This, as we all know by now, means that Donald Trump will be on performance enhancing drugs, not Joe Biden.

In fact, it is well-known that Trump is at the very least an Adderall fiend, which he believes helps keep him mentally sharp. Here’s a little hint Donny – it’s not working. We can all hear you when you talk in public. You’re scaring the children and making the adults consider what other country they might want to live in. Is it possible to overdose on Adderall? You should really try to find out.

Trump insists that he is willing to take a drug test if Biden will. Naturally, Trump is lying, knowing full well that the president of the United States does not answer to him or Sean Hannity, or to Trump’s White House physician, now Texass congressman Ronny Jackson (who Trump referred to as Ronny Johnson). Jackson was demoted from his rank of admiral when it was discovered that Jackson (or Johnson, if you prefer) had been drinking on the job, and handing out hard drugs like they were M&Ms in the Trump White House.

Jackson, seen here being told “No Fentanyl for you!”

As always, since Trump is perpetually so full of shit (as evidenced by his incessant whining about having to flush his toilet 10 or 15 times every time he excretes even what for him is a small percentage of the entire fecal build-up), he and his band of evil elves must come up with a host of bogus excuses to explain away whatever it is he needs to explain away at that particular moment. And, it’s always something stupid, horrifying and unprecedented. As are his myriad mutually exclusive excuses.

Reasons (so far) Trump is considering for bailing on the debate:

-       Joe Biden won’t take a drug test
-      CNN moderators are against him; the debate is (according to Steve Bannon) 100% totally rigged
-      Jake Tapper keeps comparing Trump (according to his spokesmonkey Caroline Leavitt) to “Adolph Hilter”; there was no mention of Ron Vibbentrop
-      Trump wasn’t told there would be questions
-      Biden is planning to have sharks and electricity in the room
-      The room will be too hot
-      The room will be too cold
-      Forgot he had a rally that night
-      Hannibal Lecter is having Trump for dinner that night
-      If I do show up, I’ll probably lose on purpose, who cares

Meanwhile, if this overflowing colostomy bag in a suit gets elected,  we’re all going to get Trumpled to death. Believe me.

I. Mangrey reporting. Excuuuuuuse me!

Bonus Mystery Track