Mano a Mango

Taking The Debate

June 23, 2024

You may or may not know that the first presidential debate between President Joe Biden and the insurrectionist Convicted Felon Donald Trump is scheduled for June 27^th.

Joe Biden is prepping at Camp David, though how do you prepare for someone who often speaks in tongues and sound effects. Someone who lies more easily and often than they breathe. A vicious, conniving megalomaniac bent on revenge who finds it entirely useless to debate policy. 

Trump is prepping at various secret, undisclosed Wendy’s, McDonalds and Taco Bells. How do you prep someone with rapidly advancing dementia (or more likely late-stage syphilis, or both) who never had any interest in learning anything or listening to anyone about anything?

As you know, Biden is fighting to protect our democracy, women’s rights, voting rights, the justice system, the economy as it relates to the bottom 90%, the Constitution of the United States, and a little thing we like to call life on Earth in the age of Climate Crisis currently taking steroids. Biden’s opponent – a human fart in an ill-fitting suit – is fighting against all of those things, but mostly to stay out of prison, to his last fetid breath.

Our intrepid reporters here at Paying Attention™ have managed to get their intrepid hands on the transcript of the upcoming debate. How, you ask? Well, let’s just say that certain sacraments may have been burned, there may have been séance or two and possibly a Ouija Board was involved. This was deemed not to be serious enough to consult the Magic 8 Ball. We can assure you though that this is exactly what we’re pretty darn sure, or at least what we imagine, will take place.

Mano a Mango

President Biden haltingly made his way to the podium, while Trump had to be wheeled in on a hand truck ala his hero Hannibal Lecter.

Moderator Jake Tapper: Mr. President, or should I say Mr. Convicted Felon ex-president, you know the rules to which you have both agreed. Please limit your answers to the allotted time. Your microphones will be muted when your time has expired. Please refrain from talking over your opponent, and if at all possible, from farting. There’s only so much the ventilation system can handle in here; I think you know why we’re concerned. Yep, there it is. Please try to contain your precious bodily gasses, sir.

Moderator Dana Bash: The first question goes to President Biden. What will be your priority on day one of a second Biden administration?

President Joe Biden: I will charge my team with continuing the excellent work we have been doing for the American people. Fight the already devastating climate crisis, continue to help those at the bottom of the economic scale to live better lives and to protect and defend the Constitution of the United States.

Tapper: Mr. Trump, what would a second Trump administration look like?

Convicted Felon Donald Trump: First Fake…I mean Jake, let me say what an honor it is for you to be here with me. I am so proud that I had the largest crowd in the history of inaugurations in 2017, and no one can deny that. Also, the huge crowd that is here to watch me today is one of the biggest crowds anyone has ever seen. I also want to say that I plan to lose this fake debate on purpose because I am so cognitively superior and everyone knows I hate to show off. When I win in November – which I will do, whether I win or lose – I will make sure that the Sleepy Joe Biden crime family gets the justice I deserve. And I will fix the toilets and showers and sad dishwashers. As you know, I’m a big fan of justice and the late, great Hannibal Lecter. He often had a friend for dinner and he hated sharks. This is a very nice place for a debate – no sharks in here. As everyone knows, I am a very good boy with big brains. M.I.T. Very smart. Make MAGA America again!

Tapper: Mr. Trump, I must remind you and the audience at home that other than the camera crew there are only four of us in this room tonight. There is no live audience, as agreed to by both parties. President Biden, many people are concerned that you are too old to even begin another four years in office, let alone finish another term before keeling over. What do you say to this?

Biden: Listen Jack, I mean Jake, I’m only as old as you feel (grins). But seriously, let’s be honest here – my body may be old, and my response time may not be what it used to be, but c’mon man, at least my brain still works and I surround myself with smart, caring, capable people. That’s what a leader does. I’m not up to my eyeballs is Qanon, MAGA fascists, racists, violent morons and convicted felons like whats-his-name over here. He’s not much younger than I am and you can literally see and hear his brain melting right before your eyes. In fact, take a look – he’s asleep right now. Somebody wake up the guy who keeps calling me Sleepy Joe. I think the American people will take old and functional over old and psychotic any day. And did I mention he was convicted of 34 felonies, tax fraud and sexual assault – or as one judge called it, rape? Don’t know about you, but to me that’s a big fucking deal.

Bash: Mr. Trump, what do you say to people who believe, rightly or wrongly, that January 6, 2021 was a very dark day in American history and that as Mitch McConnell, Kevin McCarthy, Lindsey Graham and countless others in your own party said at the time (though they have all forgotten they said anything of the sort), that you were personally responsible for the assault on the Capitol?

Trump: Everyone knows I was joking when I told my armed, mentally unstable followers to “fight like hell” and that I would be marching right along side them to hang Mike Pence and stop the steal. Those poor warrior heroes who just wanted to keep the greatest president in American history – Donald Trump – in the White House, which he personally built because I am the greatest real estate guy ever. And I have the most beautiful hair you’ve ever seen. Am I right everyone (gestures to studio audience)?

Bash: But Mr. Trump, do you feel you bear any responsibility? Also, there’s still no one else present here.

Trump: I am not responsible for anything. Never have been, and I’ve never done anything wrong. I’m the least racist person you’ve ever met. I have a very good brain and the best words. I can declassify documents by just thinking about it. See, I just declassified hundreds of documents I haven’t even seen. I have absolute, total immunity. I can have Jake the Fake and Dumb Dana locked up any time I want. I passed a very tough cognitive test that no one else ever passed. Very mentally there. I’m more mental than anyone you know. 

At this point Trump waddled away from the podium as if in a daze, waving to the (non-existent) crowd.

Tapper: Mr. Trump, please return to the podium. Sir, the debate hasn’t ended.

Trump: You can’t make me come back. This whole debate is a hoax, it’s fake news. Just like you are. I won in 2020 and I’m still president so I don’t have to put up with this bullshit. I’ll have all of you arrested and then Hannibal Lecter will have you for dinner. Bing, bing, bing, bong, bong, bing, bing.

At this point the Secret Service put themselves between Trump – who was  by then chanting “Hang Mike Pence! Hang Mike Pence! Lock them up! Lock them up!” – and the two moderators who attempted to escort him back to his podium, and the debate ended 30 minutes into the scheduled 90 minute event.