Predictions, Prophecies, Prognostications, Projections and Piffle
The End (of The Year*) is Near
December 26, 2025
Where Will We Have Gone From Here
Well, here we are once again. Another perfectly bad year shot to
hell. This has objectively been one of the worst of all time. One year dies a
painful and horrific death, another poised to take its putrid place. The year 2025
will perhaps be worst known for two things. The first being the beginning of a
second, and legally speaking (as if that fucking matters anymore), last term
for America’s most horrific chief executive.
The second thing that has made 2025 so special is that Trump, running on a platform of
rich-getting-richer-poor-getting-poorer, fascists getting fascistier and shit
getting shittier, rode in on a tsunami of hate-drenched tstupidity thanks to
which American democracy has been constantly kicked in the crotch, had several
teeth knocked out, and is currently choking on a bone fragment after RFingK, Jr.
outlawed the Heimlich Maneuver.
Once again, much of what will happen next year will swirl around
the gold-plated, gazpacho-brained gargoyle currently residing in the Remains of
the White House he is reconfiguring to suit his trailer-park-trash sense of
style.
Our predictions for 2026 are, as are all predictions, made up out
of thin air. This might be why some predictions may seem to be mutually
exclusive, and why almost none of it makes much sense (though some of our
predictions have not been as far off as you might imagine or, rightfully,
assume. Clearly, no one ever knows what might happen in the future, or if there
will even be a future. The only thing we do know is Trump cannot live forever.
Right?
Not
a prediction, just a recurring dream
Save America From Americans
Many people do not realize that predicting the future is not an
exact science. Truth be told, science is not always an exact science. A large
swath of America does not even think science is real. In
reality – as if that’s still a thing – nobody can predict the future…as if that’s still a thing. Nonetheless, we
will put our non-existent reputation on the line to tell it like it will be.
Our record has been as good as anyone’s since our first foray into Predictions,
Prophecies, Prognostications, Projections and Piffle back in 2013.
Our goal
is to prepare everyone for what might be right around the corner in order to
reduce the element of surprise. We wish us luck.
I.
Carnac, questioning all the answers that will be given in 2026
Now, Before It’s Too Late, Back To The Future
So, 2025, finally goes the way of all years, good, bad or ugly. At
this point, it is all but guaranteed that we will be here to see it end.
In any event, here is what we predict you will see over the next 12
months…
January 6, 2026
Let Them Eat Fake
Trump sees January 6 as a
good time to bring the nation together and delivers a “speech” to a divided nation from the Remains of the
White House. We have the transcript:
“On the FIFTH anniversary of what almost became the GREATEST
DAY IN AMERICAN HISTORY, but was still A VERY GOOD ONE for White House
TOURISTS, and all the very fine people who love TRUMP, I have a very special
announcement to make. Many of you pathetic losers, I mean patriotic heroes,
voted for me because of all the promises I made. Of course, politicians – which
I am not, and everyone knows this – always make promises to get your “votes”.
How could I have known that even though I am NOT a politician you would treat
me like one and believe all the crap I said to get elected. But today, because
I am so honest – probably THE MOST HONEST PERSON IN ALL HISTORY – I will tell
you that the only promises I will keep are the ones that help the richest
people – THE ONLY real Americans. The rest of you are on your own. And though
this might make some of you sad, you should really be glad…for me. I’m going to
make out like a bandit, or if you prefer, like a conman.
Today I am declaring JANUARY 6TH to be known from
now on as TRUMP INDEPENDENCE DAY. The old so-called Independence Day, whenever
that is, will just be a regular day. Thank you for your attention to this
matter.”
January 30, 2026
Show Me The Movie (Not
Really)
The $40,000,000 schlockumentary
MELANIA, which audiences the world over are dying to not see is released to
critical silence. The film follows some completely uninteresting part of this
not-quite-prostitute’s time with the man JD Vance referred to as “America’s
Hitler” before becoming his butt-boy/running mate and vice president. From the
Worst Lady’s iconic ‘I REALLY DON’T CARE DO YOU’ fascism/fashion statement to
her warm and fuzzy holiday message “Who gives a fuck about the Christmas stuff
and decorations”,
to her peerless impression of a very ugly lamp…
One critic, after previewing
the long un-cared-for project, funded by Jeff Bezos’ $40M bribe, offered, “This
could very well be the most unimportant, least-seen, poorly made “film” of all
time. Don’t’ even waste a second thinking about seeing it. You’ll be glad you
didn’t.” Another unfortunate victim of having to view MELANIA exclaimed, “Well,
that’s two hours of my life I’ll never get back. All I can say is I look
forward to never having to spare another painful moment thinking about
What’s-her-name. Though I do have a much better appreciation for the coat she
wore saying ‘I REALLY DON’T CARE, DO YOU?’”
__________________________________________________
*And possibly everything else, who knows?
And so begins the Paying
Attention™ panoply of precarious, predictions for 2026. As always, Ed Venture,
I. Mangrey, T. Doff and Shae King attempt to bring you the future before it’s
too late.
Go and get an appropriate
attitude adjustment, take a nap, flash yourself with that flashy thing the Men
in Black use, and break out the popcorn folks, we’re just getting started. It
is predicted that Part II will be appearing very soon.
You won’t want
to miss a moment of 2026…or will you
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