Predictions, Prophecies, Prognostications, Projections and Piffle
The
End (of The Year) is Near
December
29, 2025
Telling
It Like It Will Have Been
It
is time to pick up where we laughed off. Hopefully, you have talked yourself
into a festive mood as 2025 melts away like the Arctic and if many
people have their way, America’s democracy. If you had already started
your Rent-A-Coma experience and are not seeing this in a
timely manner, welcome back – I hope you are feeling refreshed, or at least
blissfully unaware of any of the disastrous depredations that occurred while
you were “out.” If you have already decided to just down your ENDITOL, we understand;
you will be missed.
It
was with great trepidation, constipation and crustacean – no, that can’t be
right… that we even forced ourselves to look at the coming year. 2026 promises
to be horrifying, angst-ridden, painful and exhausting. And that’s the
best-case scenario. Hopefully, it can’t be worse than 2025.
As
we watch 2025 dissolve into the American memory abyss, Donald Trump, or as JD Vance
described him, “America’s Hitler”, before either 1) doing a 180 and half a 69
or, 2) realizing he kind of dug Hitler after all – continues his American
Carnage II: REVENGE OF THE TURDS regime to finish off American democracy.
In
any event, welcome to Part II of our annual three-part series on the way it
will be in 2026. With any luck the prediction gods will provide something
to save the day, if not the year.
April 15, 2026
Tax Flay
Donald Trump commemorates Tax
Day by promising to lower taxes on the richest one percent of Americans. “I
promise, on day one of my next term, to lower taxes on the best Americans – the
ones with the most money. I am going to lower their taxes by 80% or 200 or
maybe 1,000 or even 5,000%. They deserve it. The rest of you, especially those
who didn’t vote for me, even though the 2028 re-election of Trump will just be
for show, so the fake news will have something to talk about for a few days,
before they’re all fired, the rest of you will get a very special Trump tax
increase. You’re welcome.”
April 22, 2025
Planet Of The Trumps
Trump picks Earth Day to
announce even more drilling, fracking and a number of “controlled oil spills”
in Democratic sectors. After outlawing any Earth Day celebrations, Trump
orders the removal of all windmills and creates the Department of American
Solar Systems Hauled Off Leading to Environmental
Suicide, charged with crisscrossing the country to confiscate solar
panels and electric vehicles from American citizens.
Trump moves to outlaw the sale
of electric cars. “These machines are extremely dangerous. Like the ridiculous
electric lawn mower, just to start it you need an IQ of around 200, or 300 or
even 1,000 – like mine, which thousands of doctors have said is the best IQ
ever. We are also looking into jailing anyone who already owns one of these
deadly vehicles. They’re killing the birds just like those horrible windmills.”
I caught up with Der Furor for
a quick mano-a-psycho, where else but the golf course. He had this to shout
“The scientists don’t know this, but with my very, very large
uh-brain, which is bigger than any brain you have ever seen, and doing great
with the cognitive – have I told you that my uncle taught at Princeton – making
me the smartest man who ever lived, I have determined that the environment is a
hoax. There is no such thing. Never was. God, who is almost as smart and
popular as Trump, created all of this from nothing, so obviously everything
is nothing, so why worry about it. What do you think of that? Pretty amazing.
Now we don’t have to worry about global wokeness. Drill, baby, drill. Burn,
baby, burn. Now, watch this drive.”
May 1, 2025
It’s Not Easy Being
Greenland
Trump claims that Greenland is
sending illegal drugs to the United States and orders the Space Force to make
plans for an incursion into the Danish territory he has long craved to take for
himself. “These Greenlandians are not fooling Trump. Greenland is a huge island
in terms of land. All that white stuff coving this country is not actually
snow. It is “snow” which is what many cocaine addicts call their drug. That is
why I pardoned one of the largest cocaine traffickers in the world, so he could
teach me things like this.”
Hello, Mr. Denmark, gimme Greenland
and nobody gets hurt
July 4, 2025
Fuck The Fourth
Trump orders January 6 to be a
federal holiday as a replacement for July 4th.
“This is a new very strong and powerful holiday. This will
now be the real Independence Day – the Day we almost became independent of the
annoying Constitution and all the fake voting that happens when I don’t win.
Today we say good-bye to the old, outdated Independence Day. From now on,
starting next January 6th we will be celebrating Trump Day. Now,
watch me dance to the new National Anthem – YMCA after I bang this flag
like it was my daughter.”
July 21, 2025
Show Me The Drugs
A new cottage industry emerges
as a result of Trump’s math-defying drug price reductions. After reducing
prescription drug prices by 500%, 1,100% and even 1,300% many perfectly healthy people find ways to require medication. Unsurprisingly, most of those meds are
anti-depressants, but the psychological benefits are outweighed by the
financial gains.
Also, Trump unveils his new line of spiked catheters.
Nap
Time
Go
and have a nap or a concussion, maybe some Prozac or a quick round of
Rent-A-Coma. There is a good chance Part III is coming soon.
We’ve got the Magic 8 Ball (who needs AI) on autopilot – we asked again later, survived countless hazy replies, and a surprising number of “Signs point to WTF”. These are not fake predictions.
Making predictions takes intense preparation and concentration
in order to get oneself in touch with the spirits
Ed Venture, I. Mangrey, T. Doff and Shay King continue bringing you the future before it gets away.
No comments:
Post a Comment