I. Mangrey about 2014

People To Watch (Because You’ll Have No Choice) In 2014

December 23, 2013

The news stops for no one. My venture into forecasting events having not panned out to the degree expected (I. Mangrey's 2013 Predictions), I've decided to be less prognosticatious this year, choosing only to lay a trail of breadbums to help you follow the political winds of 2014. The following is a list of people, etc. - in no particular order, from cream-of-the-crop to scum-of-the-Earth - that will very likely invade your awareness for some or all of 2014 whether you like it or not.

Mike Huckabee

Religious fanatic and make-believe nice guy who enjoys rewriting history and lying about everything he thinks you shouldn’t like. After a stint working for a televangelist Mike became a Pastor, then governor of Arkansas, and then failed presidential candidate. Now's he's a smiley-faced, hateful talking head on Fox who's getting ready to throw his hat into the ring again. Watch Pastor Mike and Rectal Rick Santorum battle it out for the ignorant bigot vote heading into 2016.

When Mike says "our" history he's not talking about anything you've ever read about.

Rick Perry

A new super hee-haw hero has appeared on the American horizon. By day a simpleminded politician - seemingly clueless, feckless and daffy. But when Clark Can’t hears a cry for hep he transforms into Stupidman and stumbles into action. Yes, King of The Hole, Rick Perry decided to get some costume glasses in the hopes that it would make people either think he was smart or that he was someone else. Or maybe he's finally realized he is and always has been just a prop comic. If only he could stop opening that hole under his nose, which so often leads to talking, which as anyone who watched the 2012 Republican't primary (or anything else involving Rick Perry) knows, leads to his utter humiliation and our collective entertainment.

Doesn't Rick Perry look smart in his new glasses? Ummmm, NO.

While planning his 2016 run for president, Rick is keepin' it real in Texas, which is home to 1 in 11 children in the United States living in poverty despite an improving state economy. There was a 47 percent increase in the rate of Texas children living in poverty from 2000 to 2011. Now that is just super…I mean stupid, man.

FSM

One of the fastest growing religions on the planet worships (actually, worship might not be the right word) as its deity the Flying Spaghetti Monster. According to FSM's spokesperson here on Earth, Bobby Henderson, "I don't have a problem with religion. What I have a problem with is religion posing as science. If there is a god and he's intelligent, then I would guess he has a sense of humor." Look for the Flying Spaghetti Monster to reveal him or herself in a very big way. Make sure to keep an umbrella handy unless you really like marinara sauce much more than you should. 

Al Franken

Having unselfishly given us the Al Franken decade and the O'Franken Factor at Air America Radio, Al won the unlikely battle of the Jews to defeat the ultra-slimy Norm Coleman to become the junior senator from Minnesota and avenge his friend and mentor Paul Wellstone. The wittiest and one of the smartest senators (admittedly a pretty low bar) has maintained a low profile during his first term. He's done a great job as a freshman senator and looks like a jew-in, I mean shoe-in to get re-elected.

 Franken engages in battle of wits with unarmed foes in the US Senate

Elizabeth Warren

Elizabeth Warren continues to rankle Wall Street thieves and greedheads and their fellow travelers with her insistence on protecting the rights of citizens to not be fleeced by the Washington Corporatocracy. She remains capable, unflappable and to the degree possible in Lobbyland, DC, unstoppable. Watch Ms. Warren continue to shine a bright light on the darkest actions and actors as she fights to save Social Security, hold criminals accountable and generally make life miserable for those who make life miserable.

Elizabeth Warren won't rest until at least a few bad guys are behind bars.

Marco Rubio

Though a staunch Obamacare critic, Sen. Marco "Dry Mouth" Rubio (R-FL) enrolled his family in one of its health plans. Rubio will accept a $10,000 federal subsidy that some fellow Republicant's rejected as a “special deal.” Hypocritical, opportunistic and deluded, this freshman Tea Party darling of the Senate will be battling with fellow Tea Partier and Dr. Seuss misrepresenter Ted Cruz for the single-digit-IQ wing of the Republican't party in advance of the 2016 primary. Stay thirsty my friend.

Rubio goes dry, lunges for moisture, successfully saturates dry mouth on national television. Has done little since.

Ted Cruz 

The latest ploy by this narcissistic megalomaniac who doesn't understand Dr. Seuss was joining the American delegation at the Nelson Mandela memorial. One of the few Republican'ts and the only senator to make the trek, his purpose was a mystery to most other members of the contingency (22 members of Congress, mostly from the Congressional Black Caucus) and just about everyone else. His fanbase was horrified that Cruz would have anything but hatred for Mandela who fought for and gained basic human rights for South Africa's black population, and Cruz being from Cuba Canada Texas and all.

Cruz announcing his upcoming role in Blank Like Me.

Glen Beck 

Just kidding. You will hear little if anything from Beck unless you go out of your way. Don't.

Glen "No One Will Hire Me" Beck tries out the fake glasses look with bowtie for added defect.

Liz Cheney

Keep an eye out for Liz Cheney - as deceitful, shameless and heartless as her father. Her campaign for the senate in Wyoming saw her throw her own sister under the bus for being in a same-sex marriage. Mary Cheney is probably just happy sister Liz hasn't shot her in the face. And Mr. Liz Cheney is registered to vote in two states. Liz will lose big and then become a faceless lobbyist.

Don't they just look so sweet? Oops. My bad, I forgot to take my meds.

Tom Corbett

The country's most detested governor (R-PA), protector of Jerry Sandusky and Frackers' Little Helper is poised to be a one-term governor. In addition to his unabashed devotion to fracking every square inch of Pennsylvania, Corbett's other accomplishments include signing Grover Norquist’s anti-tax pledge, fighting gay marriage in the courts, and decimating education funding. Watch him while you can, he won't be around long. 

I feel certain there's a large quantity of natural gas right here…do I have any bidders?

Planet Earth

This little ball of stuff spinning around at a dizzying speed and hurtling through space at an unfathomable velocity continues beyond all reason and belief to provide everything necessary to sustain life for all its inhabitants. We on the other hand continue, despite all reasonable information to the contrary, to do our best to put a stop to life on Earth. I know one day's weather is no proof of anything, but really - almost seventy degrees on the first two days of winter? Conservative groups have spent a billion dollars to combat action on climate change, which barely exists as it is. The safe level of carbon in the atmosphere is somewhere around 300 parts per billion. It has been this way for the past 800,000 years or so. Many actual smart people say that the maximum level consistent with sustaining human life on Earth is 350 parts per billion. In 2013 it surpassed 400 and is heading toward 450. Let's just say that this does not bode well.

                  What Earth looks like now.    What it has to look like to convince some of climate change.

I. Mangrey reporting.

Thanks for listening. Happy Festivus for the rest of us.

Who's Your Daddy?

Baby Talk

Where Men Are Men

December 14, 2013

A recent report about testing done on newborns to determine the presence of rare genetic metabolic disorders, which if caught early and treated will usually save the child’s life, discussed the importance of timely test results. Delaying just a few days, and in some cases even a few hours, can make all the difference. It turns out that the test results are routinely delayed, putting millions of newborns at great risk. This is probably something you never heard about though you would think those who treasure every birth would be all over this issue. These Fetus Fighters who are just short of demanding the right to vote for embryos have for some reason not taken up this cause. Obviously this issue is less important to them than passing measures to keep women from using their private insurance to cover abortions, which has happened in 24 states so far. Apparently the funds are needed to cover penis-enlargement procedures.

 

Relentless sperm launch assault on unsuspecting ovum

So what is the next step for the anti-choice maroons minions? A growing number of states have passed laws that require doctors to ignore their own medical ethics by forcing pregnant women seeking abortions to have medically unnecessary, unconstitutional, involuntary and highly invasive ultrasound procedures and then urging them to look at the images. The "thinking" is that this will dissuade these Very Innocent Choice Taking Immature Moms from going through with abortions. The fetus-worshiping crowd even wants contraception to be outlawed, favoring the ever-failing practice of abstinence über alles. Just ask Sarah Palin and her daughter.

Video: EverySpermIsSacred

There’s only one thing left for the anti-choice crowd to do. Next they will be knocking on doors and forcing women to have unprotected sex with Paternalistic Recently Institutionalized Choice Killing Sperm-carriers. After the Religiously Assured Procreation Enforcement squad has watched you consummate their act, you will be assigned a Womb Watcher. This loving, medieval and clinically insane overseer (think Michelle Bachman) will be with you 24/7 to make sure you do not go astray in your compulsory duties. These pre-natal nannies will be there just in case you get the urge to sneak off to a state where federal law remains intact, a state that does not feel the need to invade your body with a metal probe, where women still have the right to decide what to do with their own bodies.

Welcome To Your Nightmare

Of course, once you are actually born these life lovers will make it their business to see to it that you don’t get a living wage for your work, that you will pay a large portion of whatever you do manage to eke out for crappy medical insurance, and that you can only love someone deemed gender-appropriate by people who want Big Government to stay out of your life. But at least you'll be able carry a gun when you’re out getting drunk at the local watering hole. And everyone knows that being forced to be born is the fast-track to mental stability.

And then, near the end, when there is little left of your health or life, these Caring Religious Extraneous Existence Pushers will magically reappear to insist that you do not have the right to die when and how you choose, that you be kept alive against your will, just as they insisted that you be brought into this world against the will of she-who-would-rather-not-have-borne-you. The only thing to do is for women to arm themselves and start a Stand Your Womb movement.

And They Better Hurry

On Thursday a 22-year-old South Dakota woman noticed her 23-month-old son playing with a loaded revolver and for some reason decided it was a bad idea. While attempting to take the weapon away from the little tyke she was shot. Fortunately the boy is white so no charges will be filed. The NRA insists the young lad was in the process of forming a well regulated militia…not that they really care. Reports that the child was texting George Zimmerman remain unsubstantiated.

I. Mangrey reporting.

Thanks for listening. Responsible shooting invited.

Happy War On Christmas

You Can't Fool Me, There Is No Sanity Clause

Oh Little Town of Beelzebub

December 7, 2013

The second longest war in American history, outpaced only slightly by the war in Afghanistan, is the hallucinatory War on Christmas. Though the War on Christmas is completely non-existent, the War on the imaginary War On Christmas is all too real. The War on the War On Christmas is being fought for the hearts and minds of sociopaths who insist that everyone must agree with them or else, people who are absolutely apoplectic about the persecuted Christians whose very existence is threatened by secularism, gays and people saying Happy Holidays. Not to mention the renegade Pope.

Anti Christ Warriors For Christmas

Bill O’Reilly breathes fire every Christmas in his attempts to bully everyone into joining his imaginary confrontation. Rick “Please Don’t Google Me” Santorum resurfaced after his humiliating defeat at the hands of Mitt “47%” Romney who was in turn crushed by Barack Obama, with a movie whose protagonist is a candle. Santorum Claus must think he's on a roll, so what does he do? He denigrates the memory of the great Nelson Mandela before his body is even cold by comparing Mandela's struggle against Apartheid with the misogynist Republican't fight against affordable healthcare for all Americans. If you don't see the connection you can breathe a sigh of relief. 

Sarah Palin is exuding stupid from every pore, especially the large one beneath her nose. When asked if she could understand a non-Christian (like, I don't know Thomas Jefferson or someone like that) being uncomfortable with government-sponsored displays of a Christian nature, Sarah Claus replied "There are things that we can do about that to I guess lessen that offense in our personal lives." And what do the Palins do? They have a menorah sitting on their kitchen table throughout the month of December. Huh? Proving that even while acting well-intentioned – which I’m not necessarily buying – Sarah Palin is an idiot. Now Jews everywhere are sterilizing their menorahs and trying to exorcise images of the Palin family dancing around their menorah for a month.

Wisconsin governor and Koch Brothers' lap dog, Scott “War On Citizens of Wisconsin” Walker suggested that instead of buying enjoyable presents parents should consider buying their children “a gift that will keep on giving. This year, we are celebrating the Holiday Season with a Black Friday special that is better than any deal found in stores. Donate $5, $10 or $25 to help Governor Walker get reelected and save your children from a future of double-digit tax increases and billion dollar budget deficits.” The sonofabitch didn’t even have the common decency to call it the Christmas Season. Why does Scott Walker hate all Christians? Walker failed to mention that these “holiday” donations would also save children from a future of fair working conditions, a living wage, healthcare or health, fair elections, avoiding state-sponsored sexual abuse of pregnant women, a viable planet and other crappy stuff like that.

"You cannot serve both God and money." Matthew 6:24

"You cannot serve both Rush and Jesus." Mangrey 1:01

Meanwhile, radio whore host and Oxycontin and Viagra aficionado Rash Lummox (nobody carrying so much within his belt and so little within his skull can be called Rush) called Pope Francis a Marxist for speaking out for the poor and questioning the morality of capitalism. The Pope denounced trickle-down economics as unfair to the poor and called unfettered capitalism a new tyranny. He spoke out about the idolatry of money, extreme materialism and urged world leaders to fight poverty and inequality.

You know who else railed against income inequality and stood up for the least among us? That's right, Hitler…I mean Jesus.

I. Mangrey reporting.

Thanks for christening. Happy Holidays invited.

Tar Sands 'r' US

Tarred And Fetid

ExxonMobil, DC

November 2, 2013

Republican’ts continue their childish obsession with killing Obamacare, voting over forty times to defund it. Perhaps the most amusing part of this is that the part where everyone has to buy coverage from the already rich and greedy insurance companies is essentially an old Republican idea. Cruz & Co. are willing to sacrifice anything-that’s-not-military-spending to get their way. They shut down the federal government to avoid risking affordable healthcare for all Americans, but that’s not all they wanted. Not by a long shot. Republican’ts created a laundry-list of demands, including cutting taxes on the wealthiest (nobody saw that one coming), cutting regulations on the Wall Street criminals that helped destroy our economy, keeping contraceptives out of the hands of women and gutting environmental regulations in exchange for raising the Debt Ceiling. Yet, they refused to entertain any debate regarding raising the Debt Dumb Ceiling, which they do every Monday.

They also demanded that Obama immediately approve the Keystone XL pipeline to transfer tar sands oil from Cruzland Canada through the United States to the Gulf of Mexico for sale everywhere but America…to maximize profit. The jobs promised by proponents of the pipeline are mythical and the oil will simply pass through this country like jalapeno-inundated diarrhea. The Keystone pipeline will provide close to zero benefit to Americans - except for the oil company executives who stand to make a killing on the deal, in more ways than one.

  

The next big eco-tourism destination?

Canadian tar sands extraction is the largest industrial operation on the planet. Toxic-sludge byproducts are simply carted off to create giant 'lakes.' Every day hundreds of thousands of gallons of toxins are leaching into the water table in northern Canada. The process for extracting tar sands oil uses more natural gas than all the homes in Canada. Tar sands oil puts 3-4 times more carbon pollution into the air than regular gasoline. What could possibly go wrong?

Tar sands oil is also more fun because it eats through the pipes that carry it so it escapes its containment regularly and will do this more often if we let it. Another fun fact: It doesn’t float on water like regular oil; it sinks and is therefore much more dangerous and all but impossible to clean up. There aren’t even any serious clean-up plans in place for regular oil spills, let alone this stuff. The oil companies, though they receive massive subsidies (i.e., welfare) from the federal government (i.e., our tax dollars) spend whatever is left over, after the obscene salaries and bonuses for their CEOs and the pittance they pay their workers, on extraction technology, but nothing on safety and clean-up.

On March 29, 2013 tar sands began oozing out of its pipeline in Mayflower, Arkansas causing the evacuation of 22 homes. ExxonMobil, owner of the pipeline worked very hard after the 'accident' keeping cameras and reporters away. They then proceeded to 'clean up' the mess with paper towels. This is their state-of-the-art technology in the year 2013. Paper towels. And that is after 364 oil spills in 2012 alone. You'd think they'd have something that looked better to at least distract us by now. 

They probably clean their bathrooms with Q-tips and club soda

Tar sands oil that began bubbling up from the ground, in amounts that would make Jed Clampett weep, in northern Alberta, Canada in May is still spewing onto the earth’s surface from four different leaks. Nobody knows how the leaks started and nobody knows how to make them stop even five months later.

Thanks to creative regulations (written by lobbyists) tar sands oil is not considered oil, it is called bitumen. Since it is labeled as bitumen and not oil, it doesn’t fall under the regulatory umbrella that protects us (yeah, right) from environmental devastation, like when giant oil barges captained by drunks run aground in Alaska, or purposely flimsy oil rigs explode in the Gulf of Mexico. Therefore tar sands oil is exempt from payments into the Oil Spill Liability Trust Fund typically required for every barrel of oil shipped in the US. Oil companies that earn huge profits by shipping toxic tar sands across our country don’t have to pay into the fund that is designed to pay for most of the clean-up of the XL’s inevitable spills. ExxonMobil used this loophole to get out of paying to clean up their mess in Arkansas.

James Hansen, who spent 46 years at NASA and is one of the world's leading climatologists says extraction of the Athabasca oil sands is "essentially game over" for any hope of stabilizing global climate. The Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change raised its level of certainty from "very likely," which is a 90% likelihood, to "extremely likely," which is a 95% likelihood that "human interference has been the dominant cause of the observed warming since the mid-20th century." We're #1.

My parents always told me to clean up after myself when I made a mess. What about all this talk about individual responsibility? Republicants are frothing over Obamacare, a plan that was hatched under Ronald Reagan in the 1980s, and supported by conservative think tanks for decades until Barack Obama fought for and then signed into law. They insist that people be responsible for their own healthcare. And food. And multiple jobs. Why won't they hold oil companies responsible to clean up after themselves? Why won't we hold them responsible to clean up our planet now that we know we are responsible for causing catastrophic damage to the environment? Now that’s real healthcare.

I. Mangrey and T. Doff reporting

Thanks for listening. Don't take any bitumen nickels.

Tea Time In America

The Tea Party's New Clothes 

Soon-to-be-Post Tea Party America

October 26, 2013 

I hate to keep bringing this up, but since they still seem to have a pulse I would be negligent in my journalistic duties if I didn’t take every opportunity to kick the Tea Party while they’re down. They act as if they still haven’t hit bottom, though it’s not for lack of trying. And they have no plan to stop reaching for the stairs.  

My only regret is that it seems others are doing all my work for me. For example why should I even bother mocking the Tea Party’s follies when Dick Cheney says, “It’s an uprising, in part, and the good thing is it’s taken place within the Republican party. I don’t see it as a negative,” adding, "the most radical operator in Washington today is the president. I think he’s trying to take the country in a direction that’s fundamentally different than anything we’ve seen before." I guess Quickdraw Dick doesn’t have a mirror though to be fair, even if he did it’s unlikely he would generate a reflection. 

How can I do any better than right wing loon/genius Ann Coulter who weighed in with, “This is why I think the shutdown was so magnificent, run beautifully. I’m so proud of these Republicans. And that is because they have branded the party as the anti-Obamacare party.” Yes who would have guessed that the anti-Social Security, anti-Medicare party would hate Obamacare even though it is essentially an old conservative plan. Let’s face it, if the Tea Party has Dick Cheney and Ann Coulter singing its praises, it could be that my work here is done.  

But Wait, There's More 

 We shouldn’t be surprised that the Tea Party won’t give up on killing Obamacare. The Republican’ts still haven’t given up trying to kill Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid, Headstart, food stamps, welfare, minimum wage, taxes on the rich...They screamed and carried on about Social Security before it was implemented in the 1930s and haven’t stopped their tantrum yet. In a 1961 LP entitled Ronald Reagan Speaks Out Against Socialized Medicine, Reagan criticized Social Security for replacing private savings and warned that subsidized medicine would put an end to Americans' freedom. The Great Cartoon Character Communicator warned that "pretty soon your son won't decide when he's in school, where he will go or what he will do for a living. He will wait for the government to tell him." Regan assured America it would turn into a socialist nightmare state if Medicare was passed adding, "Under this scenario we are going to spend our sunset years telling our children and our children's children, what it once was like in America when men were free." That of course was before he became president and most of his administration went on trial for trading arms for hostages during the Iran-Contra scandal. Curing his spare time as president, between all his tax increases and bloating of the federal government, Regan increased Medicare benefits, and spent his sunset years testifying that he couldn't remember anything that occurred during his presidency.  

I don’t recall the Republican’ts being upset that St. Ronnie sold weapons to Iran after Congress told him no, which is unconstitutional, something they claim to hate. Then they stood by while President Moron sprung Medicare Part D on us and said, “any time Washington passes a new law, sometimes the transition period can be interesting…We had some early challenges.” The roll-out of this horrible program was anything but smooth - not to mention the plan itself. You may remember that Bush signed Part D into law without paying for it, which he pretty much did with everything during his time as “president.” Where was the Tea Party then? I guess it's okay when white presidents subvert the Constitution and balloon the deficit, even if they weren't actually elected. 

The Republican’t blocktivists will proudly stand in the way of anything that benefits the majority of Americans, particularly the poor, who, if the Republican’ts get their way will soon make up the majority of Americans. Now that the Tea Party has had a chance to strut its stuff their approval rating is quickly whirling down the toilet. Just recently Tea Party Joker/King Texas "Ted" Cruz was unendorsed by the Houston Chronicle with great vigor, more vigor in fact than their initial endorsement, which was given with great reservation.  

In Other (more or less unrelated) News 

You may not know this but almost every week at least one child, between the ages of 2 and 8, shoots someone, usually himself or herself, fatally. Again I ask: Who will protect us from the Second Amendment? 

I. Mangrey reporting.

Thanks for listening. Don't shoot; I'm unarmed.