I Have Seen The Future...or Something Like It

Predictions, Prophecies, Prognostications, Projections and Piffle

Somewhere In The Known Universe

January 1, 2013

Following a long night of intense "meditation" with many dear friends followed by what I can only assume was a period of deep medication meditation induced sleep, the New Year's "morning" Sun has "coaxed" me back to ordinary reality after my conscious mind temporarily stepped aside allowing the connection with all of time and space each of us hides inside us, to reveal many great secrets of the future. Of course the future is what we make it, not merely what some formless, very possibly non-existent universal essence imparts as prophesy to any mere mortal. But what the hell, we hairless apes just eat this shit up. However, for our own pieces of mind we must take such predictions with a grain of salt, a pinch of garlic and a whole mess of unscented bathroom tissue. As always, keep on your toes…not on anyone else's; keep your nose and genitals clean and protect your precious bodily fluids. And with that I give you my Predictions, Prophecies, Prognostications, Projections and Piffle for 2013…

January 28, 2013: Willard Mitt Romney will narrowly escape death and serious hair damage in a freak car elevator accident. Authorities will discover that Willard was hopped up on Coke and Marlboros and had been riding up and down in the elevator for twelve hours. Romney will then enter a Mormon rehab facility from which he will emerge with a heroin habit.

February 13, 2013: Dan Quayle will throw his hat into the ring for the 2016 presidential election. He will eventually fail to qualify for any primaries being able to submit only one petition with exactly one name on it.

February 28, 2013: Republican't governors will band together to outlaw abortions, gun regulations, unions, minimum wage, gay rights, Democrats, science being taught in schools and women working outside the home. "Hey, we didn't reinstate slavery," said a spokeswhiteman.

March 15, 2013: Sarah Palin will say 147 incredibly stupid things in 23 days causing her to lose her new Fux News show "Being The One Talking Is Me" after only one month. For example, "Having been a candidate of the vice presidency race, I can tell you exactly that going through the mind of Joe Biden is his running for president in 2016 as can be thought of as something thought about by others such as myself too," and "As is known by all of us, the president, Obama, having been born in an unknown place or country, he is unwilling to lead this country or even appear on my show, which has been requested by me for the purpose of his questioning thereof." And perhaps her greatest revelation, "I can  see myself in the mirror every time I look at it."

March 25, 2013 (just after sundown): Jesus will return to Earth and endorse Obamacare just before driving the money-changers from the Senate and the House of Representatives, smiting Pat Robertson, hurling expletives in Yiddish and then disappearing in a puff of strange smelling smoke and an ear-splitting, "Oy vey."

 

 

April 1, 2013: Bill O'Reilly's head will literally explode on air after it is revealed by the hacktivist collective Anonymous hacking into his broadcast, that he is in fact Ann Coulter.

May 1, 2013: NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre, shortly after being punched in the nose by Gabby Giffords, will be shot repeatedly while speaking at a hastily convened NRA rally the day after he shot up a movie theater, a crowded diner and a busy mall food court. He will say he committed these acts to show the importance of arming the entire U.S. population, which could have prevented his heinous massacres. Having survived these injuries he will be non-fatally shot more than once a week for four months as he travels the country espousing more-guns-in-more-hands, each time while clutching an assault rifle in his cold not-quite-dead hands. LaPierre will finally take his own life by tripping and falling while attempting to enter the grounds of the White House wearing an explosive vest.

June 21, 2013: A previously unknown Mayan calendar will be found with the end of time specified only as Tuesday, 4:20 p.m. 

July 31, 2013: The Ronald Reagan Ballroom, site of a conference of climate change deniers will be lifted up out of the parking lot and into the sky, having been separated from the remainder of the Holiday Inn in San Diego by a freak tornado, and smashed to smithereens twenty miles off the California coast after colliding with a huge chunk of glacier that just happened to be in the neighborhood.

 

 

August 3,2013: John McCain will single-handedly invade Syria in a final bid to get one up on Barack Obama.

September 24, 2013: Donald Trump will be strangled to death by his own hair due to the same freak tornado (longest sustained tornado on record) that abruptly halted the climate change deniers ball on July 31^st. His preserved corpse will continue to host Celebrity Apprentice for three more dismal seasons.

 

October 31, 2013: Weekly fiscal cliff/debt ceiling negotiations keep a riveted nation on pins-and-needles. Each time an agreement is reached it carries with it a six day expiration - hence the weekly crisis.

November 4, 2013: Clarence Thomas will utter his first word ever during oral arguments in the landmark case Obama v. State of Arizona, attempting to settle once and for all the critical issue of where the current president was born. The word Thomas will speak: "Huh?" The decision ended up being delayed when Antonin Scalia was rushed to the hospital after falling out of his chair, shocked by Thomas' unexpected utterance. Scalia's thick skull was undamaged while shattering the oak floor beneath him, but an artery in his arm was severed by the splintering wood. His condition remains uncertain - not that we were that sure of his mental state prior to the accident.

December 31, 2013: Colorado and Washington will be the only two states not to declare bankruptcy due to the enormous influx of cash brought in by taxing marijuana sales.

 

 

 

 

I. Mangrey predicting.

Thanks for listening. Responsible confusion invited.