A Paul Appalls

Son Of Son Of Paul Beats Woman A Hasty Retreat 

Westworld

January 16, 2013 

It was recently learned that the teenage son of Senator Rand Paul (R-YFKM), ditsy pseudo-libertarian son of pseudo-libertarian, semi-closeted-anti-Semite and perennial presidential candidate, soon-to-be-ex-congressman Ron Paul (R-TX) was arrested for under-age drinking and assaulting a female flight attendant during the first week of the new year. Rumors that Skippy William was still inebriated from his New Year's Eve festivities remain unsubstantiated, so it is assumed that the 19 year old was freshly lit to the gills. To be fair, I imagine tempers were short throughout the aircraft on the very long flight from Lexington, KY to Charlotte, VA - a grueling hour-long ordeal. Who among us could make it through such an arduous expedition without consuming enough alcohol to make you want to assault a woman in plain sight on a small plane? This of course presumes the younger Paul was not inclined to assault women as a general rule. 

Senator Paul, while admitting some disappointment in his son, mainly for getting caught, held a brief press conference to address the emotional issue. “Now look, this is supposed to be a free country and I don’t see how we can, in good conscience, put such harsh restrictions on our young people, where they can’t even get drunk and assault the occasional flight attendant,” said the semi-older Paul. “He was just exercising his genetic endowment and his freedom of stupidity just like it says in the Second Amendment...or one of those amendments. It hardly matters which one really. The point is, that our Founding Fathers were some pretty heavy drinkers and they never intended for us to have a legal age for abusing alcohol and punching out a few working class losers. They didn't even think women should be allowed to vote. This kind of behavior really harkens back to the great Boston Tea Party when those brave patriots, disguised as Indians in order to avoid being recognized, threw that tea into the harbor to demonstrate their God-given right to drink beer and whiskey and not that stupid British tea they were forced to drink by that tyrant George III." When reminded that most members of the original Tea Party crowd were born tea drinkers and essentially British themselves, Senator Paul snarled and walked out on the press conference.

The older elder Paul could not be reached for comment. The younger elder Paul could not even be found for the purpose of declining further comment. He is now busy preparing to fight any sort of gun control such as that just ordered by President Obama and supported by the American people. “I’m against having a king,” Paul the dumber younger said Monday. One might be forgiven for assuming he is most upset with his son for not taking a shot at that flight attendant, just to show his patriotism. 

 

Sen. Rand Paul in Westworld re-enactment

 

I. Mangrey reporting.

Thanks for listening. Responsible drinking (sans assaulting women) invited.