Toot Uncommon

Sleeping Tooty

May 10, 2024

Ex-president Snoozolini is napping and farting his way to a guilty verdict in The People of the State of New York v. Donald J. Trump. When he is not comatose, Trump is making his lawyers do incredibly stupid things.

King Butt did manage to stay awake while Stormy Daniels was testifying about her wham-bam-thank-me-ma’am encounter with Trump (which was probably even worse than being shot in the face by Dick Cheney) , which turned out to be a mistake since he was heard cursing and seen scowling and shaking his head (there is much speculation that he just enjoys the sound of his tiny sclerotic brain rattling around in his plasticine skull). Otherwise, Sleeping Tooty has been dozing off and passing gas while in court.

Secret, leaked video of Trump in the courtroom

Trump is spending most of his sleepy time in court dreaming of bleach enemas, “hamberders” and “covfefe” that he had “stollen” from school children. Oh, and of course, Ivanka. No one was surprised when they learned that when Trump says “Drill, baby drill” he’s referring to Ivanka.

Normally, Donny spends his days vigorously tweeting (or “truthing” as he Orwellianly calls it) bile and bullshit on his fascist-inundated, failing “social” media platform. He does this at all hours of the day and night. At least while he’s in court he can get some shuteye. And we can have a break from being assaulted by his constant ALL-CAPS CRAP 24/7.

To start the day a few days ago, Judge Juan Merchan found Trump guilty of nine violations of his gag order. Merchan found the defendant in contempt of everything including court and fined the faux-billionaire $1000 for each violation.

Merchan’s initial contempt order made it clear that he could and might send Trump to jail for continuing to violate the order. New York state law limits him to fining Trump $1,000 per violation. The judge maintained that such a small monetary amount “will not achieve the desired result in those instances where the contemnor can easily afford such a fine.”

Merchan added that while he would prefer to impose a fine “commensurate with the wealth” of the offender, he lacked that power and would “therefore consider whether in some instances, jail may be a necessary punishment.” Thirty days is the maximum sentence allowable for any one of these violations. Trump did not stop and was found in contempt again shortly thereafter, and only fined again.

Unfortunately, Merchan seems extremely hesitant to do what needs to be done with this recalcitrant bully of a defendant.

Hard To Get Hard After That

Anyway, it’s good to know that Defendant Trump was awake for this exchange:

Trump attorney: [Y]ou then decided you wanted to publicly say that you had sex with President [sic]Trump, right?

Stormy Daniels: No. Nobody would ever want to publicly say that.

Ouch.


I. Mangrey, dreaming a little dream.

Question For The Day – A Gag Gift For Donald?

The Gift Of Gag

May 9, 2024

Judge Juan Merchan imposed a very specific, extremely reasonable gag order on Defendant Trump. The judge hoped to curtail the endless threats to family members of the prosecution team – including his own daughter – and attempts to intimidate witnesses and jurors. No other defendant would have survived as many warnings to stop defying a gag order without being placed behind bars.

Merchan finally had to literally lay down the law and fine Trump to the degree permitted in New York. The $1000/infraction for ignoring the gag order nine times was obviously pocket-change for a multi-millionaire like this defendant.

After fining the defendant for violating the gag order nine times and putting the possibility of being jailed on the table, the defendant did it again. This time Merchan levied one more $1000 fine and made it clear that one more infraction would have to mean locking up the uncontrollable defendant.

The next day Trump was shaking his head, scowling and audibly cursing while Stormy Daniels was testifying, causing the judge to once again admonish Trump’s attorney that his client was potentially intimidating the witness.

Once again, Judge Merchan is bending over backwards so far that I’m beginning to worry he might hurt himself

I’m keeping my fingers crossed. My intestines are already in knots.

Today’s Question For The Day:

How can Trump keep bellowing about being gagged when won't shut the fuck up?

This has been your Paying Attention™ Question For The Day.

I Call It Stormy Tuesday*

And I Bet Thursday Will Be Just As Good

May 8, 2024

Yesterday in a dingy, by some reports (well, one incredibly untrustworthy, whiny man-child) freezing cold Manhattan courtroom, the adult artist formerly known as Stormy Daniels testified for the prosecution of dumbass defendant Donald Trump.

Lookin' good defendant dude; is that cotton candy on your head

Ms. Daniels provided excruciating detail about her grotesque, however brief, encounter with the defendant, including him telling her – while trying to get her into bed – that she reminded him of her daughter.

As an asshole…I mean aside, one cannot help but wonder how many abortions Trump had a, let’s say hand, in. After all, Trump told Howard Stern in 1993, “You know, if you're young, and in this era [of AIDS], and if you have any guilt about not having gone to Vietnam, we have our own Vietnam — it's called the dating game. Dating is like being in Vietnam.” What a wonderful picture this paints of Pvt. Bonerspurs.

Creator: Jane Rosenberg | Credit: REUTERS

While Daniels testified, Trump was repeatedly heard audibly swearing. He was seen scowling, sneaking peeks at Daniels on the court screen and at times his hands were not visible above the defense table. Eric Trump – the only family member to bother showing up – was also observed sneaking peeks at Daniels and possibly drooling. We have not been able to verify Eric whispering to someone seated next to him that “she reminds me of my sister.”

Despite having already been held in contempt of court 10 times and threatened with jail time for the next offense, Judge Merchan called for a sidebar to inform Trump’s attorney, “I understand that your client is upset at this point, but he is cursing audibly, and he is shaking his head visually and that’s contemptuous. It has the potential to intimidate the witness and the jury can see that…You need to speak to him. I won’t tolerate that.” Unfortunately, Merchan has already tolerated far too much, presumably much more that he ever has or ever would tolerate from a defendant. Woe is us.

Trump claims he never met Ms. Daniels, let alone engaged in sex with her. Of course, according to Ms. Daniels, the sexual encounter was so brief, and Trump’s syphilis and/or dementia are so far along that Trump might have forgotten the whole sordid affair – that and the likelihood that Trump was staring into a mirror the entire time. In order to put this whole story to rest, everyone is looking forward to Trump dropping his ill-fitting pants to prove that Ms. Daniels’ description of his pecker is erroneous. 

Stormy Daniels showing Jimmy Kimmel what she saw under Trump’s robe

The court breaks on Wednesdays. Ms. Daniels will return to the witness stand on Thursday.

This could get very ugly.

______________________________________________
*That’s a good idea for a song.

I. Mangrey repulsing. 

BONUS TRACK

Dennis Yost & the Classis IV

His Balls Are In Their Court

Perhaps A More Literal Gag Is In Order

May 7, 2024

Another day in court for Defendant Trump, another admonishment from the bench and Trump once again found in contempt of court for the 10^th time and had a stint in the pokey dangled in front of him for violating his court-imposed gag order. Trump thinks that going to jail will make him the next Martin Luther King, Jr. or the next Nelson Mandela – interesting choices for a racist fuck like Trump. I would have thought he would have gone with Adolph Hitler. That will come later, as he becomes more desperate, realizing that he is going to lose bigly.

Judge Juan Merchan told the incorrigible dipshit defendant, “Your continued violations threaten to disrupt processing and constitute a direct attack on the rule of law.” The judge added, “I cannot allow that to continue. So, as much as I do not want to impose a jail sanction, and I have done everything I dan to avoid doing so, I want you to understand that I will.”

And then he had Day 12 of The People of The State of New York v. Donald J. Trump called to order.

The courtroom sketch below shows Defendant Trump attempting a terrorist fist jab with Former Trump Organization controller Jeffrey McConney who just gave damning testimony against him. Trump is either too stupid or too psychotic to understand when witnesses are making him look guilty as shit.

Sketch artist: Elizabeth Williams

Former fake president and current lying-sack-of-shit defendant Donald Jizzabell Trump spends his waking minutes (i.e., when he's not fart-napping (or is it nap-farting) in court yelling fascistic fabrications, terroristic threats and bombastic bullshit outside Judge Juan Merchan’s courtroom.

Fat fucking Florida guy loudly lying at those he calls “the enemy of the people.” 

Trump tries to convince his adamantly and relentlessly uninformed cult members that the gag order intended to stop him from threatening jurors, witnesses, and family members of the court disqualifies him from testifying. Merchan put a quick stop to that by assuring the defendant that he has every right to speak in court and to testify on his own behalf. He is only meant to shut the fuck up about everyone connected to his trial.

Trump previously bragged that he would certainly be testifying at his illegal hoax trial. Everyone living in non-alternative reality knows full well that Trump will never testify in court. Under oath. We know this for two main reasons: 1) Trump has repeatedly threatened to testify during various court appearances; he never does; he is a pathological liar, and 2) since Trump is an inveterate liar he can never take the witness stand without committing perjury. Over and over and over again.

I. Mangrey reporting.

(No) Family (In) Court

W(her)e Are Family

May 6, 2024

No one is showing up to show support for defendant of the decade Donald Trump. Despite begging his supporters to show up in droves outside every courthouse in America, they aren’t even showing up at the courthouse Trump now inhabits most of the week. Not one family member, not even the wife he cheated on to make this trying trial possible, showed during the week of jury selection or the first week of testimony.

To be fair, one devoted MAGAt dipshit did show up outside the NY courthouse

Trump is so desperate to have someone from his family appear to support him by showing up at court, he is having Ivana exhumed to have her coffin by his side as we watch the life drained from him, day after day. With any luck we will also see his freedom remanded to the prison system and his attempt to become the first American fascist dictator end up like a crash test dummy in a Ford Pinto.

Melania has been very busy doing…things or she would definitely be here. She knows I would never cheat on her or lie about cheating on her. I don’t know why I would. Most of my time since Sleepy Joe Biden stole the election from me is spent reading the many bibles I have all over my house.  My beloved first wife Ivana, who I so lovingly had buried at one of my beautiful golf courses – definitely not for the tax break, and then let her gravesite turn to shit, would have wanted to be by my side while Sleepy Joe Biden attacked me through his totally corrupt court system. Biden's evil plan to force me to sleep sitting up in a freezing room full of corrupt judges, lawyers and fake jurors will never work. I will never surrender. I will never be defeated. Ivana still loves me so much. I only had to divorce her because I was cheating on her with Marla Maples, who I cheated on with Melania, who I cheated on with Karen McDougal and Stormy Daniels, which I never did. I have no idea why Michael Cohen paid them off. I did nothing wrong. Believe me. Women just love me, what can I do.

Ivana’s gravesite then and now, because he cares so much

Perhaps in an attempt to dissuade Dear Old Dad from dredging up his first wife, or perhaps in a desperate attempt get noticed by his uncaring father and maybe find himself back in daddy’s will, middle son Eric made a better-late-than-never appearance during week three of Donald’s current trial. More likely, Eric was paid by his father, via a third party no doubt, to show up. Presumably (i.e., almost definitely) Donald begged someone (preferably Ivanka), anyone to make it look like his family gave even a rabbit-pellet-sized shit about their asshole father.

I. Mangrey reporting. With family and friends at my side.

Question For The Day – With Biting Commentary

Try To Sink Your Teeth Into This One

May 5, 2024

After Kristi Noem’s unnecessary and incredibly stupid admission of murdering her puppy, many Fux News mouths are attempting to cover for the serial-animal-killer Noem by chiding President Biden for not murdering his rescue dog Commander (sorry, but that sounds more like the lame replacement name of a once-rascistly-named professional football team than a rescue dog) who has reportedly bitten Secret Service agents 25 times.

Today’s Question For The Day:

Why have we never heard about all the times Donald Trump bit his Secret Service agents?

Bonus Question:

And why have we not come up with a better name for the Secret Service? One that does not carry the acronym SS?

This has been your Paying Attention™ Question For The Day.

Schmuck Of The Day – Man, That’s Gross

And Now For Something Completely Stupid

May 4, 2024

Hey, guess which sniveling, sack-of-shit ignoramus anti-Semite is at it again.

Mentally defective Marjorie Taylor Greene – or EmptyG as we call her around here – spewed one of the most egregious antisemitic tropes of all time in excusing her fucking self from voting in favor of a House bill to curb her excusiasm…I mean antisemitism. She took time away from fondling Donald Trump’s cardboard likeness to embarrass herself beyond repair. As I always say, you go with your strengths.

Her stupid words, not mine:

“Antisemitism is wrong, but I will not be voting for the Antisemitism Awareness Act of 2023 (H.R. 6090) today that could convict Christians of antisemitism for believing the Gospel that says Jesus was handed over to Herod to be crucified by the Jews.”

This moldy old chestnut is essentially the sine qua non of modern-day antisemitism. This what Hitler used to launch his sales pitch for The Final Solution. And now Moscow’s spokesmonkey Marge is here to make sure this hate-and-genocide-inspiring trope stays alive. Apparently, those Jewish space lasers must have been made in China by the children who either couldn’t cut it in the i-Phone factory or didn’t fall out of windows. Or Marge would be a pillar of cinders by now.

EmptyG, seen here displaying her unrivaled class

Fortunately for just about everyone, that is a cardboard Trump Marge is fondling

Greene may say she thinks anti-Semitism is wrong, but she does not. Maybe she is unaware of what antisemitism is, or maybe she’s aware of what it is, but since she is unable to put two and two together and come up with four, she might just be too incredibly stupid to know she is in fact a flaming anti-Semite. Which really sucks for her since the guy they call Jesus (if he in fact existed, which has by no means ever been proven) was a dyed-in-the-wool Jew. Born a Jew. Lived as a Jew. Died a Jew. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Ladies and gentlemen, EmptyG here may talk like an idiot and

look like an idiot, but don't let that fool you. She really is an idiot.

To be fair, it’s not entirely Marge’s fault. She has, as my sixth-grade teacher Charles O. Slugg, was fond of saying to a number of his students, she has “the brains of a dead rat.”*

Anyway, I’ve devoted more than enough time to this dung heap with legs.

________________________________________________
*Actual quote from a real person.

This has been your Paying Attention™ Schmuck Of The Day. Fuck yeah.

On This Day In History:

1886 The Haymarket Police Riot/Massacre

1970 Kent State National Guard-instigated Massacre

What A Shame

May 3, 2024

WARNING: Not safe for work, home, prison or locker room. After you finish this you will probably ask yourself, “Why did I (me) do that?” My answer – because it’s there.

“If Ivanka weren’t my daughter perhaps I’d be dating her.”
Donald J. Trump, live on The View, 2015 

I hate to admit this, but I feel so bad for Mr. Trump. This entire tawdry, disgusting, indictable mess could have been avoided if only his beloved Ivanka would have had sex with her dear, loving father. After all, that’s all he has ever really wanted.

And it wasn’t for lack of trying:

Eww

Ewww

Ewwwww

WTFHP (Watch Those Fucking Hands Pops)

Donald probably would not have even had to pay Ivanka off for her silence, but if he did it could have been considered a gift to a family member. He could have avoided the whole financial fraud nonsense. And they could have lived happily ever after. Hopefully Daddy Dearest has learned his lesson – never sleep with a woman who is not your daughter.

For contrast, here is Donald with his third wife – you know, the one he was cheating on with Karen McDougal for a year, and later with Stormy Daniels for about five minutes

Adding insult to incestry, darling daughter Ivanka is nowhere to be seen in support of her loving father – no comments, no tweets, no op-eds, no-show in the courtroom. This, even though he fucked Stormy Daniels and Karem McDougal because they reminded him of Ivanka. According to both women, Trump said as much.  

In contrast, the parents of Jeffrey Dahmer were in the front row every single day of his trial. No family member of Trump's has showed up for one second as their patriarch languishes in a New York City courtroom.

Not Only That…

What a tragic irony. The one time Trump pays someone for something – in this case, paying Stormy Daniels for not doing something after having previously done something she didn’t get paid for, but Trump didn’t want anyone to know she and he did what they did (which Trump now denies he did) – it ends up with Trump as part of a criminal conspiracy. Our undercover, alternative sources overheard Trump say

You know, I've been stiffing people my whole life. But I never stiffed my daughter, though I sure thought about it a lot. I never paid anyone for anything - contractors, lawyers, doctors, women I grabbed by the pussy, you name it. The one time I pay someone, it comes right back, bites me in the ass, and I end up in court. Not only did I do nothing wrong, I finally did something right. You better believe that will never happen again.

Oh, the (lack of) humanity.

I. Mangrey reporting. Paging Dr. Schaden Freud.

May Day Mayday

May Day Mayday Rerun Rerun

May 1, 2024

St. Ronald Reagan started it – “Are you better off today than you were four years ago?” This has since become an unavoidable cliché for presidential candidates. Flying in the face of sanity and reality, Defendant/candidate Donald Trump – he of the COVID-will-magically-disappear-in-a-few-days blather, and the let’s-all-drink-some-bleach cure – decided he too would use this old line. So, just in case anyone has (and not without good reason) shoved the memory of where we were four years ago, please take a moment to “enjoy” a little rerun from May Day 2020, which includes a little rerum from 2019, and hope beyond hope that we don’t throw ourselves back to the future this November. And then ask yourself, “Do I want to be better off four years from now than I am today?”

Motherf*&#er May I

May 1, 2020 

What with all this fake virus hoax with all its soon-to-be 65,000 fake dead Americans and soon-to-be 250,000 fake dead people across the globe, and all the staying at home, wearing masks in public and fake footage of empty streets in Manhattan, Las Vegas, Los Angeles and major cities all over the world, International Workers Day - Mayday - is even more forgotten than usual, especially in the United States.  Since the staff at Paying Attention is wallowing in fake survival mode, trying desperately not to be taken in by this scamdemic, we are nonetheless unable to muster up the energy to pay proper tribute to all the world's workers, most of whom are busy not working today in tribute to the fake virus hoax the entire world is engaged in for the sole purpose of ridding the world of Donald Chrump's fake presidency. In fairness, who could blame them.  Chrump makes any would-be deadly pandemic feel like a tropical breeze in paradise. In any event, please enjoy this fake blog post from last year and don't forget to tip your waitress delivery person and show some solidarity with the suddenly-greatly-appreciated staff at your local market when you attempt without success to buy disinfectant wipes.

The First Day of May Not

May 1, 2019

May Day, with its long-standing tradition of honoring workers around the world, is all but ignored by most of America. The 2016 election saw Donald Chrump’s fake message of support for workers, Social Security, Medicare, the middle class and the Constitution resonate with and dupe many workers across the country – mostly white ones, but nonetheless enough to plunge our nation into Chrump’s Carnage Presidency. In honor of May Day, Hair Chrump, thought it would be a good time to display his undying solidarity with workers…I mean dictators the world over. Here is his statement:

“Beginning right now and from this day forward I, Donald J. Chrump – the greatest president in American history – by presidential decree, declare that there will no longer be a May 1^st. That date has been contaminated by fake political nonsense. So-called May Day is a disaster. An absolute and a total disaster. Workers can celebrate if they want to, but it must be in private, and on their own time from now on. No more of this prancing around trying to get attention. Or better pay, or working conditions or less harassment from their bosses. How greedy can you get? Workers are making too much money and raping rich people everywhere. I say enough already. I decree that today will now be known as April 31st. Tomorrow will still be May 2^nd. No more May 1^st. I only wish April originally had 31 days, then I would have been able to make April the only month with 32 days. That would have been great. And when you’re president, they let you do anything, grab ‘em by the calendar, or the whatever. Also, if I had been around during the Civil War maybe I would have figured out why it happened. I alone could have fixed it. It’s what I do. I fix things. I’m a fixer, believe me.” Chrump has said, “There's no reason for this. People don't realize, ya know, the Civil War — if you think about it, why? People don't ask that question, but why was there a Civil War? Why could that one not have been worked out?”*

Yeah, what the hell was all that Civil War stuff about anyway? No one really knows for sure. Can we have a do-over? I heard it had something to do with snakes’ rights or something like that. Or maybe it had something to do with workers in America. If only there was a way to find out why we had a Civil War. I think many people would like to know, and some of them are very fine people. But really, why didn’t the great (according to Chrump) Andrew Jackson and the other founding fathers take care of that Civil War nonsense. Maybe next time they will get it right.

Here’s hoping.

I. Mangrey reporting. Mayday, mayday.                                          

                                                                                    

*non-alternative quote