Chrump pretends to read, in preparation to pretend to be president
Chrump pretends to write inauguration speech that he hired someone else to write. His people say it is obviously a joke. Many other people are saying the he is obviously a joke.
Unfortunately Newt is able to speak despite his foot-in-mouth disease
Newt Gingrich (who was booted as Speaker of the House - by his own party - for ethics violations) does not think Chrump should change the way he
does things in order to comport with the laws of the land, but that the United States
should change the way it has been doing things to suit the Chrump family. Good
timing Newt the Kuwaiti embassy abruptly canceled its reservation for an event
regularly held at the Four Seasons in Georgetown. Members of the Chrump
Organization pressured the Kuwaiti ambassador to hold the event at a Chrumpier
hotel owned by the soon-to-be Conflict-of-interest-in-chief. Not to worry
though it will all be legal soon enough. Just ask disgraced scumbag Gingrich.
The Orange Gas Cloud pays a visit to
an unsuspecting town near you.
Precedent Chrump
The Constitution – if you have a copy, keep it secret, keep
it safe – makes it very clear that the presidency of the United States is not
meant to enrich the public servant at the head of the government, particularly by
receiving favors or stuff from foreign countries who might hope to influence
said public servant. The Emoluments Clause of Article I, Section 9 prohibits
any “Person holding any Office of Profit or Trust under [the United States]”
from accepting “any present, Emolument, Office, or Title, of any kind whatever,
from any King, Prince, or foreign State.” There are three important points that
I am sure are paramount in Chrump’s “mind”: 1) if the foreign country in
question simply takes it upon itself to give a present or emolument – even if
that country is ‘persuaded’ by some unnamed party associated with the office
holder – then surely the office holder has no choice but to accept such an
unsolicited gift; anything else would surely be an insult, 2) rules are too
politically correct and meant for losers, and 3) if the president does it then
it is not illegal. I made up point number one, but I am sure we will hear
something similar very soon. Point number two is obviously the way Chrump
thinks about everything. Point number three was provided by the criminal madman
known as Richard Nixon.
Speaking of precedents, a recent Gallup poll found that Chrump
has a historically low approval rating for his transition to the White House,
with 51 percent of Americans saying they disapprove of his performance, and only
44 (a CNN poll has this number at 40) percent approving of the oncoming
presIDent. This is surprising for two reasons, neither of which explains though
might be related to Chrump being the world’s sorest “winner”. First, that is a much
larger number than the percent of voters who actually voted for the guy who
lost the popular vote in a landslide. Second, these numbers set him apart from
his predecessors bigly. What a surprise. A week before Inauguration Day in
2009, 83 percent of Americans said they approved of the way Barack Obama was
managing his transition, with only 12 percent saying they disapproved. Even the
similarly clueless George W. Bush, who, like Trump, lost the popular vote but
won the Electoral College after the Supreme Court stopped the vote counting in
Florida, had 61 percent approval to 25 percent disapproval a week out from
Inauguration Day in 2001. Orange Julius Ceasar of course calls the polls “rigged”.
We knew Chrump was unique, but who knew he was this special? Is the hornymoon over already?
In light of this information, Paying Attention has decided
to leak the text of Chrump’s inaugural address, obtained from a group of
hookers our intrepid rookie reporter B.N. Formd encountered while undercover
outside Chrump Tower:
Soon-to-be iconic photo of "I am not a Chrump" moment as King Don prepares to deface the White House
In case you have not seen this (I gave it a standing
ovation)…
Key & Peele - Obama and Luther's Farewell Address
Speaking of Leaks
Der Furor was beside himself over a leak that did not come
from his mouth. The fact-averse leak machine reprimanded the intelligence
community of leaking and made his wittle feewings known immediately. He lied
forcefully in defense of previous lies in the only way he knows how. First he
tweeted it as the final bit of yet another electronic hot air tweetnado:
When you know nothing, you can say anything
Later that day, during the press conference to which Chrump
brought a cheering section that did in fact cheer and applaud at the
appropriate times, he had to say it aloud, in public, with other people
present, reporters in fact, “I think it’s a disgrace. And I say that and I say
that (sic). And that’s something that Nazi Germany would have done and did do.
I think it’s a disgrace. That information that was false and fake and never
happened, got released to the public.” That is simply unbelievable. Nothing
like that has ever happened before.
A Chinese take on Chrump
Let’s hope China can keep a sense of humor
Asshole/Asset
Reporter: On that intelligence report, the second part of
the conclusion was that Vladimir Putin ordered it because he aspired to help
you on the election. Do you accept that part of the finding?
Chrump Thing: Well if, if Putin likes Donald Chrump…I
consider that an asset not a liability.
Vladimir Putin considers Chrump an asset as well.
I. Mangrey (more than ever) reporting. Resist and Replace. Mad in USA
This Really Sucks,
But Don't Worry I’m Sure It Will Get Worse
Washington, DC
January 15, 2017
I understand the desire to put on a good face and show the
world that we are a strong nation regardless of the fact that our presidential
election was hacked, rigged, altered, fixed (more accurately the complete
opposite of fixed), neutered, choose your own adverb. We are expected to show
those sneaky Russians (and the head of the FBI) that despite their meddling and
despite their having achieved the goal of putting the most absurd, incompetent,
ignorant, dangerous and delusional nutbag in the White House, and rally behind
our “president” and move forward. Make the best of what the majority of the
citizenry believes is a very, very bad situation. But what would this really
show the rest of the world? That we are gutless toadies who will just put our
tails between our legs and put up with a potentially apocalyptic situation. I
say NO. Actually, I say something much more colorful than that, but I am trying
to keep this a family show...today. This is total unmitigated bullshit – well
that didn’t last very long did it? Anyway, use whatever words you like, but I
think it is a big mistake just to go along to get along. I am all in with John
Lewis, an objectively verifiable man of courage, honor and forgiveness.
Chuck Todd asked Lewis if he would be able to forge a relationship with the
racist, fascist, pretender-in-chief. Not in those exact words unfortunately. The
civil rights icon responded quietly, "It's going to be very difficult. I
don't see this president-elect as a legitimate president." He added,
"I think the Russians participated in helping this man get elected, and
they helped destroy the candidacy of Hillary Clinton." Lewis gently and
earnestly added, "I believe it was a conspiracy on the part of Russians
and others to help him get elected. That's not right. That's not fair. That's
not the open democratic process."
I know this is no
surprise, given my penchant for spewing invective and my unabashed distaste for
the Fetid Orange Gas Cloud, but I think we will all be much better off hounding
his sorry ass every moment he continues the charade of being president. Chrump is
neither a legitimate president nor a legitimate human being.
After having his skull fractured on the Edmund Pettus Bridge
by racist cops as he marched with Martin Luther King, Jr. in 1965, John Lewis
has been in Congress for 30 years and has never missed a presidential
inauguration. He is planning to miss this one. “When you see something that is
not right, not fair, not just, you have a moral obligation to do something. You
cannot afford to be quiet.”
John Lewis (far right)
All too predictably, the Orange One lashed out on Twitter,
somehow taking 17 minutes to finish his 280-character/44-word “thought”:
We cannot, for one single moment, allow this brutish moron
to feel comfortable. If not for the antiquated Electoral College, the Russians
and a meddling FBI chief Chrump would already be in history’s dustbin where he
belongs. Now he will surely make history. And as Dick Smothers said to his brother
many times, “That was not a compliment.”
There is little humor to be found at the moment. I hope to
return you to your regularly scheduled laugh-a-minute sarcasm shortly.
I. Mangrey reporting. March. Fight back. No surrender. Mad in USA
The
reality-challenged sociopath in the Orange Asshole suit who has more faith in
Moscow than he does in America and whose only interaction with computers is
limited to tweeting, and who said, “Now, I don't know. What do I know about it?
All I know is what's on the Internet,” now tells us, “I think that computers
have complicated lives very greatly (sic). The whole Age of Computer has made
it so nobody knows exactly what’s going on…” WTFF
The trouble
we are about to be in is simply Chrumpian in proportions. Don’t know what that
means? How could you? The words, the very possibilities cannot be imagined. We
are in uncharted territory. Alt-reality is unfathomable to actual reality-based
thinking. Imagine Christopher Columbus suddenly transported onto the Starship
Enterprise. You think he was lost, in over his head sailing to "India"? Imagine
him hurtling through space light years from Earth. How do you say, “What the
fuck is a light year?” in Italian? We think we have some idea how stunningly
cataclysmic Chrump can be. Uh uh folks. Sure there are checks and balances.
Sure there are. Like Paul Ryan. Like Mitch McConnell. They will keep things on
the straight and narrow-minded. Is this helping yet?
Do not
worry, though these guys are technically in charge of much of what is about to
happen, they too have no earthly way to predict the effects of the Chrumpstorm
that is about to swallow them up and spit them out like Columbus on the
Enterprise. They will not know what hit them. They will have immense trouble
remembering their own names, let alone what their jobs are. Calling Chrump a
psycho is a slap-in-the-face to mentally ill people everywhere.
Team Chrump
is apoplectic that the intelligence community and President-still Obama, called
out Chrump’s beloved Mother Russia for cyber warfare against – what is that
called again – oh yeah, Amerika and dared to retaliate against Chrump and the
Republicants’ new benefactor. A Chrump spokesman fretted that this was nothing
more than an attempt to delegitimize the Chrump (GULP!) presIDency. My word! It
is simply unthinkable that someone would try to delegitimize another man’s
presidency. Imagine if someone started saying that the president of the United
States needed to show his birth certificate because he was hiding the fact that
he was not born in this country even though that president had already proven
such and even though one need not be born in this country if one of one’s
parents is an American citizen. Then imagine if that same person continued to
disbelieve said president and then demanded his college transcripts as well.
Then imagine that disgrace of a man accusing the president he spent years
sliming of trying to delegitimize him
after he got “elected” president thanks to help from the FBI and Vladimir Putin.
It is all obviously very greatly hypothetical, but what a fun thought
experiment.
He Read a Book?
Some years
ago when pressed on awkward topics—such as whether or not he regularly read
Adolf Hitler’s speeches - Chrump turned “skittish and, perhaps, inventive”
according to Marie Brenner’s September 1990 Vanity Fair article:
In April
1989, perhaps in a surge of Czech nationalism, Ivana Trump told her lawyer
Michael Kennedy that from time to time her husband reads a book of Hitler’s
collected speeches, My New Order, which he keeps in a cabinet by his bed.
Kennedy now guards a copy of My New Order in a closet at his office, as if it
were a grenade. Hitler’s speeches, from his earliest days up through the Phony
War of 1939, reveal his extraordinary ability as a master propagandist.
“Did your
cousin John give you the Hitler speeches?” I asked Trump.
Trump
hesitated. “Who told you that?”
“I don’t
remember,” I said.
“Actually, it
was my friend Marty Davis from Paramount who gave me a copy of Mein Kampf, and
he’s a Jew.” (“I did give him a book about Hitler,” Marty Davis said. “But it
was My New Order, Hitler’s speeches, not Mein Kampf. I thought he would find it
interesting. I am his friend, but I’m not Jewish.”)
Later, Trump
returned to this subject. “If I had these speeches, and I am not saying that I
do, I would never read them.”
In his open
letter to the incoming Republican’t dictatorship Ed Venture said, he was “not
saying that Chrump loves Putin because he owes Putin untold amounts of money or
because Putin is blackmailing him, but many people are saying this.” Since then
we have learned that even more people are saying this, and those people are leaders
of the American intelligence community. Although FBI director James Comey was
more than willing to publicize, just a few days before the election, bogus
innuendo to help the Russians sabotage Hillary Clinton (As I write this the
Department of Justice announced it is investigating Comey for this incident.), he
is remaining tight lipped about the latest information implicating Chrump and Moscow
in a potential blackmail scheme. And guess who the chrump, I mean chump is and
who is holding the winning hand in this scenario. I will give you a hint – it
is not the guy who bankrupted four casinos. He would not know a winning hand if
it was fondling his tiny man bits.
I. Mangrey reporting. Turn your head and scoff. Mad in USA
How the Hell Did We
Get Here and Where the Fuck Are We and When Can We Leave?
January 11, 2017
I have been thinking far too much about who, how, what and where
we are right now. But you knew that. It is possible that I might have hurt
myself covering The Cabinet of Contemptables being put forward by the president-(der)elect
we see materializing in front of us. The cavalcade of creeps, con artists and
kooks that prospective conflict-of-interest-in-chief Chrump is assembling is
not his dream team. This is the dream
team of billionaires, generals, anti-science and anti-government freaks long preferred
by the Republican’t party writ large. Chrump couldn’t care less about any of
this and dreams only of himself. Whether asleep or awake. The only
interruptions arise when he is dreaming about banging his daughter.
Is my daughter Ivanka hot or what?
The female-parent-fornicators in the Republican’t party,
after voting to kill the Affordable Care Act 60 times over a period of six
years, crying “repeal and replace” all the way home, still do not have a plan
to replace. They are saying that the replace part might take a few years; the
repeal however will take but a minute now that they control the House, the
Senate and the White House. Republican’ts couldn’t care less about replacing
anything – they all have medical insurance. And they keep getting elected over
and over. This time they are going to help 30 million people, many of whom keep
voting for them, get rid of their oppressive medical insurance, which Ben
Carson compared to slavery.
Republican’ts are also poised to mutilate Social Security. Republican’ts
despise the government, social safety nets (except when it benefits them), and
they cherish Wall Street, war, hatred and white people. The rest of it is just
collateral detritus to them. The purpose of everything they do is to put more
money in the hands of those who already have most of the money. Period.
Remember, a rising tide lifts all yachts.
Female-Parent-Fornicators
All
Maybe I am getting old, but I have already lost count of the
number of at-best-shaky deals being done by the Chrump family in their never
ending efforts to con everyone within earshot and pad their bank accounts, now
with the blessing of the full faith and credit full farce and
incredulity of the Amerikan presidency. First we had the Bid Big Bucks for Coffee
With Ivanka scam that her brother put the kibosh on once everyone became aware
of it, then there was the strong-arming of the Kuwaiti ambassador to change the
venue of an event to Chrump International in DC, we also have an inaugural
fundraiser (not sure exactly what the funds are for) to go a hunting with big
game hunters Eric and Don Jr. – "Camouflage & Cufflinks" is the
preferred attire at the event, to be held one day after the inauguration in
downtown Washington, and now we have this: the Center for Public
Integrity reported Monday that Eric and Don Jr. just created a new “non-profit”
that will be hosting a charity event over inauguration weekend offering
top-tier donors access to the President-elect and themselves. The old Chrump “non-profit”,
which was shut down by New York’s attorney general for failure to file the
proper paperwork, was used to buy paintings of Chrump and to pay off court
settlements for the man who never settles court cases. I need to start me one
of them non-profit thingies myself.
I cannot quite see who is wearing the cufflinks from here.
The Orange Roughy
Stinks From the Head Down
Chrump continues to unceasingly pommel us with ignorant,
dangerous, excruciating words and deeds every five minutes, so much so that it
is hard to focus on any one thing sufficiently. Similarly with each successive
cabinet pick our heads come a little closer to exploding. However let us not
lose sight of the fact that no matter how horrifying each member of Team Chrump
may seem, after all is said and done the Orange Roughy has Stephen Bannon,
known as Chrump’s brain, – a neo-Nazi, Ku Kux Klan, white nationalist
sympathizer – as his number one advisor. Never forget.
I. Mangrey and B.N. Formd reporting.
Hound your senators and congress people relentlessly.
Bonus stuff:
Loyal reader Cucamonga has requested…demanded really, that
these overly flattering pictures of Der Furor be posted here at Paying
Attention. How could I resist?
One of these birdbrained freaks of nature is about to become leader of the “free” world
A face that only a motherf*#ker could love
My respect for Chrump knows no existence
I am back
from my brief escape from alt-reality. I see that I. Mangrey kept things moving
quite well in my absence. Since he had no intention of leaving his keyboard I was
able to borrow his shades to protect my bloodshot eyes. I am tanned, rested and
“ready” for the shitshow that 2017 promises to be. It probably is not possible
to be ready, but I’m here, I’m severe and I ain’t going anywhere. For now I have
a little something to get off my chest: A few words to the not-so-loyal
opposition as they prepare to make America hate again.
I’m back, I’m black (not really) and I’m on the attack
An Open Letter to Republican’ts
January 9,
2017
Please stop
referring to yourselves as the party of Lincoln. You never were, and to the
extent that you can even pretend you once were (you were not) you surely have
not been, in any way whatsoever, for over half a century. That was when most
Democrats emerged from the swamps of racism and white supremacy and most of you
began your still ongoing war on integration, civil rights and voting rights. There
are numerous other hateful pursuits to which you cling, but they are not
pertinent to the present context. Perhaps some other time.
In a similar
vein to your preposterous Lincoln fetish you must stop quoting and publicly
fondling the memory of Ronald Reagan. You are no more the party of Reagan than
you are the party of Lincoln. Just stop talking about him altogether. At least
in Reagan’s case there was a time when he was
your party. Those days are also long gone though I can understand why you
still cling to his memory – or at least the parts of it you care to remember –
however diluted and deluded it may be. Today’s Republican’ts have next to
nothing in common with Reagan. He was once a Democrat. And worse than that, a
union rep. And more worser than that, he was a union rep for the Screen Actors
Guild. You know what that means – Hollywood…actors…liberals – and you hate
actors and Hollywood, and unions and Democrats. And don’t even get you started
on liberals. Reagan wanted to rid the world of all nuclear weapons, and your
new lord and master Putin – well, not him but his representative in the US,
Chrump – does not even know what nuclear weapons are though he thinks everybody
should have some. Chrump does not understand why if we have them we don’t use
them and he wants Rick Perry to be responsible for them.
Coming soon to the skies near you.
Your once
beloved St. Ronnie raised taxes like nobody’s business, bloated the federal
government and had amnesty for immigrants. One thing you probably still like
about Reagan was the way he interfered with the freeing of the Iranian hostages
before he was president in order to make Carter look bad and increase his
chances of defeating him. Talk about obstruction. All you guys did was stop
Obama from getting anything done while
in office. You have also conveniently forgotten that Reagan negotiated with
terrorists and bailed on the Marines in Lebanon, which was much worse than
Benghazi (You conveniently managed to forget that one without batting an eye.)
Oh, And That Whole Iran-Contra Thingie
Then there
was that unpleasant little Iran-Contra affair, where the Reagan administration
was trading arms with Iran to funnel money to the brutal Contras in Nicaragua.
That sordid mess helped Reagan achieve historic status as the president with
the greatest number of convicted felons of any administration.
"By
the end of his term, 138 Reagan administration officials had been convicted,
had been indicted, or had been the subject of official investigations for
official misconduct and/or criminal violations. In terms of number of officials
involved, the record of his administration was the worst ever."from Sleep-Walking Through History:
America in the Reagan Years, by Haynes Johnson, (1991, Doubleday)
Yet you
still pretend to love him. You do not. You would not give someone like him the
time of day in the new regime. And not just because you have Chrump now. You
have been anti-Reagan since the Tea Party took control of what passes for your
soul. At least he never hid any emails. Just his rapidly accelerating
Alzheimer’s…and Nancy’s astrologer, who played a pivotal role in all planning
and decision making.
Back in the USSA
Maybe you
have been so busy desperately trying to dismantle the New Deal, civil rights,
voting rights, the federal government and democracy in general, that you have
forgotten that one of the things Reagan was most proud of – his part in defeating
the Soviet Union and “ending” the Cold War. I won’t bother you with the nuances
of how big a part St. Ronnie did or did not play in this. But I must ask a
question to see if we are all on the same page planet: What country
emerged as the most powerful entity after the collapse of the USSR? No, it was
not California…or New York, it was a
little place called Russia. Funny thing – Russia, heir to the Soviet Union
(including all their nukes) just happened to give your child candidate its
shoulders to stand on.
Well before
that however, many of you and your right wing media whores began yearning for a
leader like Putin. You preferred a “commie” dictator to a duly elected (not
that you really care about a thing like that) American (not that you ever
admitted he was an American)president. This bizarre turn of the coat began, as
I recall, around 2009. I’m sure it had nothing to do with America having a
black president. Although one could not be faulted for thinking that since you
do not really want black people to vote, you probably do not want them becoming
president, so at least you get points for consistency. I know that not all
Republican’ts are racists, but all racists are Republican’ts (or so-called
independents, who would never vote for a Democrat).
Your and
your party’s new figurehead Putin’s presidential candidate – whose top advisors
and many cabinet picks – either have direct dealings with Putin or simply adore
him from afar, ramped up the Putin envy at every turn. That includes the
candidate himself who has waffled on every single issue except his adoration of
Putin. I am not saying that Chrump loves Putin because he owes Putin untold amounts
of money or because Putin is blackmailing him, but many people are saying this.
“Now, I don't know. What do I know about it? All I know is what's on the
Internet.” (actual March 13, 2016 Chrump quote that seemed appropriate for his
occasion)
Now that the
Republican’t party has sold its “soul” to Putin and his Manchurian Idiot Chrump,
you have forfeited any relationship whatsoever to Reagan just as you long ago surrendered
any connection to Lincoln thanks to your steadfast work during the Civil Rights
Era. Go find someone else as the target of your necrophilia. You cannot claim
to be the political progeny of Lincoln, Reagan or even Nixon, who you never
seem to mention for some reason – and not, I am guessing, because he is now seen
as too liberal. Neither can you claim to love America since you only love the
America you see in your fevered minds or the Americans you deem worthy simply
because they agree with you because they are so damn ignorant of the facts. You
do not own America, the flag, or patriotism. You do own jingoism, lots of
racism, a healthy dose of fascism and the House of Representatives thanks to
your (brilliant, though I hate to admit it) gerrymandering. And you surely own
Chrump and Putin. American intelligence agencies intercepted communications between
senior Russian government officials celebrating Chrump’s victory over Clinton
as a geopolitical win for Moscow. You are all Russians now.
Hope you are having a great new year, but don’t get too
comfortable. There is a major Chrump on the horizon. We now return you to your
regularly scheduled mayhem…
Wait There’s More More
Chest-deep in the swamp
January 3, 2017
First a quick update on Secretary of State nominee Wrecks Tillerson: his most powerful advocate on Capitol Hill is none other than fellow oil
company exec, killer of small defenseless animals, drunk shooter of his friend’s
face, ex-Secretary of Defense under Bush the First and vice president “under”
Bush the Second – Richard Bruce “Dick” Cheney. Even though Chrump trashed
Cheney’s beloved Iraq v. Halliburton war and called Bush and Cheney liars
throughout the campaign, it is all oil under the bridge, leaching into the
water supply, killing untold numbers of birds, fish and people, now that Cheney
can smell power again.
Flynn responds to reporter’s question about his IQ score.
A Chrump transition
official boycotted a meeting with Israel's Deputy Foreign Minister because she
would not allow the attendance of a Swedish representative described as "a
member of a party with neo-Nazi tendencies." So rather than shun a
neo-Nazi, the Chrumpians decided to dis Israel. Well played Mr. Chrump; it is
all becoming clearer and clearer. Not that it was ever blurry to me.
As Donald Trump prepares to abuse…I mean assume the
presidency on January 20, a slew of hate crimes targeting Muslims, people of
color, and immigrants (wonder how different this would be if Chrump’s daughter
was not a Jewish convert) has been steadily increasing. Most of the incidents
have been attributed to ardent supporters of the presIDent-elect.
The museum dedicated to honoring the memory of the roughly 6 million Jews
killed during the Holocaust felt compelled to issue a statement condemning the
growing proliferation of white nationalist and neo-Nazi ideology, particularly
in the wake of neo-Nazi leader Richard Spencer’s conference hosted at the
Ronald Reagan federal building in Washington, DC shortly after Chrump’s
“election”. Washington, DC’s Holocaust Memorial Museum is urging Americans to
remember their history with a chilling reminder of how the Holocaust began. “The
Holocaust did not begin with killing; it began with words. The Museum calls on
all American citizens, our religious and civic leaders, and the leadership of
all branches of the government to confront racist thinking and divisive hateful
speech.”
Gen. James “Mad Dog” Mattis/Secretary of Defense – as a
Marine major general, he gave the order in May 2004 to strike a "suspected
foreign fighter safe house" in a small Iraqi village, but the target turned
to be a wedding venue, with the bombs killing some 42 men, women and children. Some
of his quotes:
“Be polite, be professional, but have a plan to kill
everybody you meet.” “You are part of the world’s most feared and trusted
force. Engage your brain before you engage your weapon.”
"Actually it's quite fun to fight them, you know. It's a hell of a hoot.
It's fun to shoot some people.”
Well at least one of them does not sound psychotic. Close
enough for government work. Mattis is known as eccentric but is revered in
military circles, and well read. Ironically, Mad Dog might be one of the less
horrifying nominees. Only alt-time will tell.
Rick Perry/Department of Energy – idiot ex-governor of Texas
(replacing fellow idiot George W. Bush once Bush was appointed president by the
Supreme Court after losing the election to Al Gore), pushed for secession,
wants to suck every last drop of oil, coal, whatever from every square inch of
the planet, but will settle for what is beneath Amerikan soil (for now). Perry
sits (or dances or drools) on the board of directors of Energy Transfer
Partners, they of the Dakota Access Pipeline, which they intent to continue
building. Perry received $6 million from the company for his presidential run. The
only hope is that Perry will again forget that he wants to eliminate the
Department of Energy as he did during his unrememberable performance in the
2012 “Oops” debate when he could only manage to remember two out of three
things that were very important to him. Perry is replacing a Stanford-educated,
nuclear physicist – it’s a no-brainer…literally.
Who will ever forget Perry’s immortal words on July 22,
2016, “Let no one be mistaken. Donald Trump’s candidacy is a cancer on
conservatism and it must be clearly diagnosed, excised and discarded.” Oops.
John Kelly/Department
of Homeland Security – retired Marine General, ran Gitmo, loves torture,believes immigration is an “existential threat” to
Amerika, and wants an escalated war on drugs. I’m sure Kelly is thrilled
about joining the ultimate military-industrial complex Dwight Eisenhower
vigorously and eloquently (especially for a general) warned us about in his
farewell address.
Monica Crowley/director of strategic communications for the
National Security Council – best quote: “Now, he was not born in Africa, but the father was from Kenya, the father
was from Africa. And according to this genealogy — and again, because I haven’t
done the research, I can’t verify this — but according to this guy Kenneth
Lamb, Barack Obama is not black African, he is Arab African. And yet, this guy
is campaigning as black and painting anybody who dares to criticize him as a
racist. I mean, that is — it is the biggest con I think I’ve ever seen.” I assume
she is some kind of moron, or blind, or both. I am fairly certain she is not
blind.
Ryan Zinke/Department
of the Interior – ex-Navy Seal commander, avid Chrump supporter, proud Montana
public lands rapist, chosen because Don Jr. reportedly "hit it off" with Zinke, a fellow "avid
outdoorsman" who supports preserving – and drilling
on – public lands. I suppose he wants to preserve
them for the oil companies. According to the
executive director of the Center for Biological Diversity, “Ryan Zinke has a
dismal 3 percent lifetime environmental voting record. His brief political
career has been substantially devoted to attacking endangered species and the
Endangered Species Act. He led efforts to strip federal protections for
endangered wolves, lynx and sage grouse, voted to exempt massive agribusiness
and water developers from Endangered Species Act limitations, and opposed
efforts to crack down on the international black market ivory trade." Just
be glad you do not have tusks.
David Friedman/Ambassador to Israel – long-time Chrump
friend and bankruptcy lawyer with absolutely zero diplomatic experience,
conspiracy theorist, holds views to the right of Netanyahu, claims Obama
engages in “blatant anti-Semitism”, compared J Street – pro-Israel, pro-peace
DC lobby – to Nazi collaborators. According to Israel’s Haaretz, “For some of
his articles and statements, Friedman could get arrested by the Israeli police
on suspicion of incitement.”
Rep. Mick Mulvaney (R-SC)/Office of Management and Budget – spoke
in July to the John Birch Society, has called Social Security “a Ponzi scheme”
and said in 2011, “We have to end Medicare as we know it.”
Have a nice day.
I. Mangrey reporting. Protect your precious bodily fluids. Mad in USA
Final Predictions, Prophecies,
Prognostications, Projections and Piffle
Up the river with half a paddle December 30, 2016
Where Did We Go From
Here
I don't know about you, hell I barely know about me at this
point, but for me personally 2016 could have been your basic whatever year. I
worked, I lounged, I am en route to my first vacation in over a decade. I can
live with all that. But it somehow all of that was not good enough. Unfortunately
I seem compelled to pay attention and to feel myself part of something more
than myself. For example, I have grown quite fond of the Earth, which is on the
verge of being attacked more bigly than usual by an idiot bastard son-of-a-bitch
who cannot see anything that is not in the mirror he so often faces. Also I
cannot easily ignore the plight of those less fortunate, who similarly are under
impending assault, and I have a strange aversion to fascists, racists and
pathological liars getting crushed in the popular vote and winning the
presidency on a technicality. I was honestly hoping to lighten up, take a few
deep breaths, get ready to scrutinize another President Clinton, and never having
to see or hear Don Fucking Chrump ever again. The best laid plans of me and men
I suppose. So all in all, I would have to say and I will in fact say, that 2016
– a year that will live in infamy – can go fuck itself. It will not be missed.
So before the future grabs us all by the pussy...or by the whatever, Paying
Attention brings you the final installment in its ironically hopeful divining of
the year to come. May you find some degree of peace, health, courage and most
important - outrage to help deal with the impending Chrumpnado.
Aloha.
Ed
Venture
Editor-in-chief-in-Hawaii
April 1, 2017
The king on his throne
Chrump, locked in a West Wing bathroom since the stroke of
midnight, vows to tweet non-stop for 24 hours. His opening salvo, “Donald J.
Chrump King of Twitter do hereby tweet Hillary Clinton is a loser. I am a
winner.” Many people are saying that he tweets so much because it is easier for
him because his tiny hands are a better match for the little keyboard.
His final tweet of the marathon was “I will hold my first
press conference tomorrow, April 2nd.” He did not, claiming it was
an April Fool’s joke.
June 30, 2017
Chrump holds his first press conference since taking office.
Few wondered why it took so long. By the end no one wondered why it took so
long. This might have something to do with the fact that rather than answer
questions directly, Chrump tweeted his responses to reporters’ questions. The
guy living in the White House was abusive and had the room stocked with
supporters who cheered their man’s derision of the press frequently hollering,
“Lock them up.” The first question was, “Why haven’t you held a press
conference all these months?” Chrump tweeted, “Typical dishonest media gotcha
question. Will not answer. Deserve apology from nasty press monkeys. Next
question.” It went downhill very quickly from there.
July 4, 2017
Chrump outlaws the Constitution. “Hey it made slavery legal.
There was no slavery until the Democrats who wrote the Constitution said the
blacks were 3/5 of a person. SAD. It’s old. it’s older than Crooked Hillary
Clinton. Remember when I beat her in the election? I ran the best campaign.
That’ll teach them not to give me the Emmy. I deserved it. I had the best show.
They even got the first word of the whole thing wrong. It was supposed to say
‘Me’ the People. This I can tell you. I know a lot of things. Also they waited
until the second to make the most important amendment. Two Amendment, right? Two
Amendment, that’s the whole ballgame. I have the best people working on a new
improved 21st Century Chrump Constitution. It will be beautiful and
much easier to read. As soon as they finish it I will tweet it to all my many
amazing followers.”
Thanks Obama.
August 8, 2017
Водыgate (воды/vody – Russian for water) The
Vodygate investigation into Chrumputin’s involvement in the hand-over of
Amerika to Russia begins in earnest after Senate majority leader Mitch
McConnell is caught providing an orally oriented oratory-free once overto the Russian
ambassador on C-SPAN. McConnell still attempted to deny the incident,
insisting, “The Senate was in recess and the chamber was empty, the senate
chamber that is, so there’s no way C-SPAN should have been broadcasting.
Besides, I was just helping the ambassador with his broken zipper and my hands
were full.” New Senate leader Bernie Sanders told reporters, “We are going to
find out what Chrump knew, when he knew it, and when he knew that he knew it.”
Meanwhile, Chrump has made his
plans for the make-over of the White House:
Look familiar?
September 24, 2017
I. Mangrey, concerned citizen and patriotic blogger
“testifies” before Congress. He was not subpoenaed. His input was not sought in
any way. Mr. Mangrey just showed up, astutely timing his appearance with one of
the few working days agreed to by the once-august body. Donning the customary
attire in a vain attempt to blend in, Mr. Mangrey unsurprisingly was unable to
maintain the faux air of dignity and ennui typical of the legislators he hope
to sway. Even sporting his only tie, borrowed suit and best eyebrows, it was
not long before his valiant attempts at civility devolved into language that
would have reddened Cheney, punishing volume and hysterical laughter.
I. Just Wanna Testify
It was not much longer before he was frog-marched out of the
building and experts are still scratching their heads over the fact that he was
not remanded over to authorities.
Some are saying that the marshals were too busy high-fiving Mangrey
and lining up for autographs and selfies.
And photobombing…
I. doesn’t get out much
November 8, 2017
Marking the first anniversary of the election of Donald the
Menace he visits the United Nations to finalize the Axis of Ego:
December 13, 2016
Saddam Hussein (who Chrump esteemed) had humbler digs
Chrump refuses to leave his apartment in Manhattan. “I’m
sick of hanging around the White House. I’m having gold withdrawal. And people
won’t leave me alone. Somebody blew this up, someone hijacked whatever. Some
losers are protesting because I finally put a stop to that pathetic Amendment
One. Off with their heads. Daily security briefings. Really? Every day? I don’t
have time for all this crap; it’s cutting into my tweeting time big league. Not
to mention hair prep. I’m trying to make Amerika great again. Leave me the fuck
alone already. I have already sacrificed so much. Just bomb the shit out
whoever it is already. Next week we’re moving the Pentagon into St. Peter and
Paul’s cathedral it’s much more convenient for me.
December 29, 2016
Chrump is thwarted at the last moment as he readies to press
The Button. Alec Baldwin once again portrayed now-presIDent Chrump in an
unflattering way. To be fair there really is no way to portray him in a
flattering way. Chrump first tweeted his displeasure before deciding to follow
through on his threat.
Sources report that his first attempt failed because his
little fingers were not strong enough to press the button sufficiently. It was
when he returned with a hammer that Chrump’s mommy Kellyanne Conway noticed
what he was about to do and persuaded him to stop by holding up a mirror and
distracting him for ten minutes while Secret Service was summoned and had
Chrump sedated for a few days.
Hope For The Best
We live in Strangelove times...
We'll meet again
From
everyone here at Paying Attention: Ed Venture, T. Doff, I.
Mangrey and Shay King
