I. Mangrey about 2014

People To Watch (Because You’ll Have No Choice) In 2014

December 23, 2013

The news stops for no one. My venture into forecasting events having not panned out to the degree expected (I. Mangrey's 2013 Predictions), I've decided to be less prognosticatious this year, choosing only to lay a trail of breadbums to help you follow the political winds of 2014. The following is a list of people, etc. - in no particular order, from cream-of-the-crop to scum-of-the-Earth - that will very likely invade your awareness for some or all of 2014 whether you like it or not.

Mike Huckabee

Religious fanatic and make-believe nice guy who enjoys rewriting history and lying about everything he thinks you shouldn’t like. After a stint working for a televangelist Mike became a Pastor, then governor of Arkansas, and then failed presidential candidate. Now's he's a smiley-faced, hateful talking head on Fox who's getting ready to throw his hat into the ring again. Watch Pastor Mike and Rectal Rick Santorum battle it out for the ignorant bigot vote heading into 2016.

When Mike says "our" history he's not talking about anything you've ever read about.

Rick Perry

A new super hee-haw hero has appeared on the American horizon. By day a simpleminded politician - seemingly clueless, feckless and daffy. But when Clark Can’t hears a cry for hep he transforms into Stupidman and stumbles into action. Yes, King of The Hole, Rick Perry decided to get some costume glasses in the hopes that it would make people either think he was smart or that he was someone else. Or maybe he's finally realized he is and always has been just a prop comic. If only he could stop opening that hole under his nose, which so often leads to talking, which as anyone who watched the 2012 Republican't primary (or anything else involving Rick Perry) knows, leads to his utter humiliation and our collective entertainment.

Doesn't Rick Perry look smart in his new glasses? Ummmm, NO.

While planning his 2016 run for president, Rick is keepin' it real in Texas, which is home to 1 in 11 children in the United States living in poverty despite an improving state economy. There was a 47 percent increase in the rate of Texas children living in poverty from 2000 to 2011. Now that is just super…I mean stupid, man.

FSM

One of the fastest growing religions on the planet worships (actually, worship might not be the right word) as its deity the Flying Spaghetti Monster. According to FSM's spokesperson here on Earth, Bobby Henderson, "I don't have a problem with religion. What I have a problem with is religion posing as science. If there is a god and he's intelligent, then I would guess he has a sense of humor." Look for the Flying Spaghetti Monster to reveal him or herself in a very big way. Make sure to keep an umbrella handy unless you really like marinara sauce much more than you should. 

Al Franken

Having unselfishly given us the Al Franken decade and the O'Franken Factor at Air America Radio, Al won the unlikely battle of the Jews to defeat the ultra-slimy Norm Coleman to become the junior senator from Minnesota and avenge his friend and mentor Paul Wellstone. The wittiest and one of the smartest senators (admittedly a pretty low bar) has maintained a low profile during his first term. He's done a great job as a freshman senator and looks like a jew-in, I mean shoe-in to get re-elected.

 Franken engages in battle of wits with unarmed foes in the US Senate

Elizabeth Warren

Elizabeth Warren continues to rankle Wall Street thieves and greedheads and their fellow travelers with her insistence on protecting the rights of citizens to not be fleeced by the Washington Corporatocracy. She remains capable, unflappable and to the degree possible in Lobbyland, DC, unstoppable. Watch Ms. Warren continue to shine a bright light on the darkest actions and actors as she fights to save Social Security, hold criminals accountable and generally make life miserable for those who make life miserable.

Elizabeth Warren won't rest until at least a few bad guys are behind bars.

Marco Rubio

Though a staunch Obamacare critic, Sen. Marco "Dry Mouth" Rubio (R-FL) enrolled his family in one of its health plans. Rubio will accept a $10,000 federal subsidy that some fellow Republicant's rejected as a “special deal.” Hypocritical, opportunistic and deluded, this freshman Tea Party darling of the Senate will be battling with fellow Tea Partier and Dr. Seuss misrepresenter Ted Cruz for the single-digit-IQ wing of the Republican't party in advance of the 2016 primary. Stay thirsty my friend.

Rubio goes dry, lunges for moisture, successfully saturates dry mouth on national television. Has done little since.

Ted Cruz 

The latest ploy by this narcissistic megalomaniac who doesn't understand Dr. Seuss was joining the American delegation at the Nelson Mandela memorial. One of the few Republican'ts and the only senator to make the trek, his purpose was a mystery to most other members of the contingency (22 members of Congress, mostly from the Congressional Black Caucus) and just about everyone else. His fanbase was horrified that Cruz would have anything but hatred for Mandela who fought for and gained basic human rights for South Africa's black population, and Cruz being from Cuba Canada Texas and all.

Cruz announcing his upcoming role in Blank Like Me.

Glen Beck 

Just kidding. You will hear little if anything from Beck unless you go out of your way. Don't.

Glen "No One Will Hire Me" Beck tries out the fake glasses look with bowtie for added defect.

Liz Cheney

Keep an eye out for Liz Cheney - as deceitful, shameless and heartless as her father. Her campaign for the senate in Wyoming saw her throw her own sister under the bus for being in a same-sex marriage. Mary Cheney is probably just happy sister Liz hasn't shot her in the face. And Mr. Liz Cheney is registered to vote in two states. Liz will lose big and then become a faceless lobbyist.

Don't they just look so sweet? Oops. My bad, I forgot to take my meds.

Tom Corbett

The country's most detested governor (R-PA), protector of Jerry Sandusky and Frackers' Little Helper is poised to be a one-term governor. In addition to his unabashed devotion to fracking every square inch of Pennsylvania, Corbett's other accomplishments include signing Grover Norquist’s anti-tax pledge, fighting gay marriage in the courts, and decimating education funding. Watch him while you can, he won't be around long. 

I feel certain there's a large quantity of natural gas right here…do I have any bidders?

Planet Earth

This little ball of stuff spinning around at a dizzying speed and hurtling through space at an unfathomable velocity continues beyond all reason and belief to provide everything necessary to sustain life for all its inhabitants. We on the other hand continue, despite all reasonable information to the contrary, to do our best to put a stop to life on Earth. I know one day's weather is no proof of anything, but really - almost seventy degrees on the first two days of winter? Conservative groups have spent a billion dollars to combat action on climate change, which barely exists as it is. The safe level of carbon in the atmosphere is somewhere around 300 parts per billion. It has been this way for the past 800,000 years or so. Many actual smart people say that the maximum level consistent with sustaining human life on Earth is 350 parts per billion. In 2013 it surpassed 400 and is heading toward 450. Let's just say that this does not bode well.

                  What Earth looks like now.    What it has to look like to convince some of climate change.

I. Mangrey reporting.

Thanks for listening. Happy Festivus for the rest of us.

Who's Your Daddy?

Baby Talk

Where Men Are Men

December 14, 2013

A recent report about testing done on newborns to determine the presence of rare genetic metabolic disorders, which if caught early and treated will usually save the child’s life, discussed the importance of timely test results. Delaying just a few days, and in some cases even a few hours, can make all the difference. It turns out that the test results are routinely delayed, putting millions of newborns at great risk. This is probably something you never heard about though you would think those who treasure every birth would be all over this issue. These Fetus Fighters who are just short of demanding the right to vote for embryos have for some reason not taken up this cause. Obviously this issue is less important to them than passing measures to keep women from using their private insurance to cover abortions, which has happened in 24 states so far. Apparently the funds are needed to cover penis-enlargement procedures.

 

Relentless sperm launch assault on unsuspecting ovum

So what is the next step for the anti-choice maroons minions? A growing number of states have passed laws that require doctors to ignore their own medical ethics by forcing pregnant women seeking abortions to have medically unnecessary, unconstitutional, involuntary and highly invasive ultrasound procedures and then urging them to look at the images. The "thinking" is that this will dissuade these Very Innocent Choice Taking Immature Moms from going through with abortions. The fetus-worshiping crowd even wants contraception to be outlawed, favoring the ever-failing practice of abstinence über alles. Just ask Sarah Palin and her daughter.

Video: EverySpermIsSacred

There’s only one thing left for the anti-choice crowd to do. Next they will be knocking on doors and forcing women to have unprotected sex with Paternalistic Recently Institutionalized Choice Killing Sperm-carriers. After the Religiously Assured Procreation Enforcement squad has watched you consummate their act, you will be assigned a Womb Watcher. This loving, medieval and clinically insane overseer (think Michelle Bachman) will be with you 24/7 to make sure you do not go astray in your compulsory duties. These pre-natal nannies will be there just in case you get the urge to sneak off to a state where federal law remains intact, a state that does not feel the need to invade your body with a metal probe, where women still have the right to decide what to do with their own bodies.

Welcome To Your Nightmare

Of course, once you are actually born these life lovers will make it their business to see to it that you don’t get a living wage for your work, that you will pay a large portion of whatever you do manage to eke out for crappy medical insurance, and that you can only love someone deemed gender-appropriate by people who want Big Government to stay out of your life. But at least you'll be able carry a gun when you’re out getting drunk at the local watering hole. And everyone knows that being forced to be born is the fast-track to mental stability.

And then, near the end, when there is little left of your health or life, these Caring Religious Extraneous Existence Pushers will magically reappear to insist that you do not have the right to die when and how you choose, that you be kept alive against your will, just as they insisted that you be brought into this world against the will of she-who-would-rather-not-have-borne-you. The only thing to do is for women to arm themselves and start a Stand Your Womb movement.

And They Better Hurry

On Thursday a 22-year-old South Dakota woman noticed her 23-month-old son playing with a loaded revolver and for some reason decided it was a bad idea. While attempting to take the weapon away from the little tyke she was shot. Fortunately the boy is white so no charges will be filed. The NRA insists the young lad was in the process of forming a well regulated militia…not that they really care. Reports that the child was texting George Zimmerman remain unsubstantiated.

I. Mangrey reporting.

Thanks for listening. Responsible shooting invited.

Happy War On Christmas

You Can't Fool Me, There Is No Sanity Clause

Oh Little Town of Beelzebub

December 7, 2013

The second longest war in American history, outpaced only slightly by the war in Afghanistan, is the hallucinatory War on Christmas. Though the War on Christmas is completely non-existent, the War on the imaginary War On Christmas is all too real. The War on the War On Christmas is being fought for the hearts and minds of sociopaths who insist that everyone must agree with them or else, people who are absolutely apoplectic about the persecuted Christians whose very existence is threatened by secularism, gays and people saying Happy Holidays. Not to mention the renegade Pope.

Anti Christ Warriors For Christmas

Bill O’Reilly breathes fire every Christmas in his attempts to bully everyone into joining his imaginary confrontation. Rick “Please Don’t Google Me” Santorum resurfaced after his humiliating defeat at the hands of Mitt “47%” Romney who was in turn crushed by Barack Obama, with a movie whose protagonist is a candle. Santorum Claus must think he's on a roll, so what does he do? He denigrates the memory of the great Nelson Mandela before his body is even cold by comparing Mandela's struggle against Apartheid with the misogynist Republican't fight against affordable healthcare for all Americans. If you don't see the connection you can breathe a sigh of relief. 

Sarah Palin is exuding stupid from every pore, especially the large one beneath her nose. When asked if she could understand a non-Christian (like, I don't know Thomas Jefferson or someone like that) being uncomfortable with government-sponsored displays of a Christian nature, Sarah Claus replied "There are things that we can do about that to I guess lessen that offense in our personal lives." And what do the Palins do? They have a menorah sitting on their kitchen table throughout the month of December. Huh? Proving that even while acting well-intentioned – which I’m not necessarily buying – Sarah Palin is an idiot. Now Jews everywhere are sterilizing their menorahs and trying to exorcise images of the Palin family dancing around their menorah for a month.

Wisconsin governor and Koch Brothers' lap dog, Scott “War On Citizens of Wisconsin” Walker suggested that instead of buying enjoyable presents parents should consider buying their children “a gift that will keep on giving. This year, we are celebrating the Holiday Season with a Black Friday special that is better than any deal found in stores. Donate $5, $10 or $25 to help Governor Walker get reelected and save your children from a future of double-digit tax increases and billion dollar budget deficits.” The sonofabitch didn’t even have the common decency to call it the Christmas Season. Why does Scott Walker hate all Christians? Walker failed to mention that these “holiday” donations would also save children from a future of fair working conditions, a living wage, healthcare or health, fair elections, avoiding state-sponsored sexual abuse of pregnant women, a viable planet and other crappy stuff like that.

"You cannot serve both God and money." Matthew 6:24

"You cannot serve both Rush and Jesus." Mangrey 1:01

Meanwhile, radio whore host and Oxycontin and Viagra aficionado Rash Lummox (nobody carrying so much within his belt and so little within his skull can be called Rush) called Pope Francis a Marxist for speaking out for the poor and questioning the morality of capitalism. The Pope denounced trickle-down economics as unfair to the poor and called unfettered capitalism a new tyranny. He spoke out about the idolatry of money, extreme materialism and urged world leaders to fight poverty and inequality.

You know who else railed against income inequality and stood up for the least among us? That's right, Hitler…I mean Jesus.

I. Mangrey reporting.

Thanks for christening. Happy Holidays invited.