Law(less) and (Out of) Order

Episode 1: The Commander-of-Cheese

June 16, 2018

While we wait for the debut of Chrump Family: House Arrest, what do we have for entertainment?   C-SPAN is boring, the news hurts, reality TV just is not the same without The Apprentice.  What ever happened to that guy?  He was such an asshole, but it was funny watching him pretend to be an executive and pretend to fire people.  So fake. SAD. 

America needs a new Law and Order spinoff – Law(less) and (Out of) Order: Special Vermins Unit. Starring Robert Mueller as the cruel, but fair special prosecutor.  Hard-nosed, yet loveable, with a hint of lavender, Mueller is going after the big cheese – the Commander-of-cheese in fact :

Chrump hires the best people

 

To kick off the show’s promo tour, Robert Mueller has broken his silence, making his first public statement since taking on the role of special prosecutor (in real life) in a Paying Attention exclusive.  Mueller gave a brief statement to editor Ed Venture, “I have to say that there is one thing I agree with Trump. I am also sick of this damned Russia investigation.  The problem is, every time I pull on a thread, I find another series of crimes, more and more conspiring with hostile foreign operatives, obstruction of justice, profiteering off of the office of president, including violations of the Emoluments Clause, lying, money laundering, actual Russians, and – now this is not technically indictable – being the most despicable horse’s patoot ever to put on a pair of pants.  J. Fred Muggs – who was also known to wear pants – would have been a better president.  And a better human being.

At least Muggs knew how to hold a book and his
clothes fit better…and he has better hair

I cannot go after Mr. Chrump for destroying this great nation with his harebrained, malignant domestic and foreign policy, that is his right as holder of the highest office, and he is certainly being aided and abetted by my party, the Republican’ts.  If I could, I would – this guy is worse than slavery, the Civil War and Nixon and Dick Cheney all rolled into one.  The time has come to ensure this guy never again sets foot in the Oval Office.  This will make America great again.  This investigation has nothing to do with me simply not liking the man.  I don’t.  But, this is all about the rule of law.  I’m just doing my job.” 

Chrump doing his job

Pardongate

As if all this was not bad enough, Chrump is acting like he just discovered the pardon.  Sure he already pardoned Joe Arpaio, Scooter Libby and Dinesh DiSousa (who you probably have not heard of if you’re lucky) – all terrible people.  Now that the shit is rapidly approaching the fan, Chrump is desperately in search of options.  Everybody knows that he has done nothing wrong, but still, a girl can’t be too careful.  Now like a child who has learned a new word or how to whistle, and obsesses over his new-found ability, our Child-in-chief is suddenly pardon-happy.  To be fair, now that Der Furor realizes that his days are numbered, he wants to make hay while the sun shines on his criminal enterprise.  Sources dangerously close to the prezident are telling me that Chrump is considering pardoning Melania, although this is more like a commutation of sentence. 

Chrump already "pardoned" Kim Jong Un for all his crimes against his people and the sundry enhanced firings of many people around him deemed insufficiently loyal.  Asked to comment on the fact that Kim executes people and has some 120,000 political prisoners locked up, the human document shredder wheezed, “Yeah, but so have a lot of other people have done some really bad things.  I mean, I could go through a lot of nations where a lot of bad things were done.”  Personally, I would be shocked if he could even name a lot of nations.

Speaking of pardons, Paul Manafort might be moving to the front of the line, now that he has become a ward of the state.  Chrump said, “I feel sorry for Paul.  He had nothing to do with my campaign.  He was only with me for four and a half Scaramuccis.  And he was working for free.  And by the way, in case it comes up, I had nothing to do with my campaign.  I was only there for a few months.  I was running my business the whole time – in fact, I still am, and I’m doing very, very well by the way.  I told you I could run my business and run the country, but really, I’m just running the company.  And my totally legit The Chrump Foundation.  The country runs itself basically.  I’m really rich.  Just look at my tax returns.  Psych.”

I. Mangrey retching violently.  Can we go home now?

Thought For The Day

One Down, An As-Yet-To-Be-Determined Number To Go

June 15, 2018

Russian operative and former Chrump campaign chairman Paul Manafort finally goes to jail as he awaits trial, after attempting to tamper with witnesses and obstructing justice while under house arrest and wearing two ankle bracelets.

Orange is the new Chrump

This has been your Paying Attention Thought For The Day.

You're welcome.

Thought For The Day

Just One Quick Teeny Tiny Little Thing

June 14, 2018

Fuck James Comey.  Twice.  And not in a nice way.  Comey. James. Fuck.

This has been your Paying Attention Thought For The Day.

You're welcome.

We're America Bitch!*

The Art of The Schlemiel

June 13, 2018

As everyone now knows, and wishes they did not, our feckless bunt of a president met with one of the world’s most brutal, insane and dangerous dictators.  Donald Chrump made him seem like Mr. Rogers.  Being the self-proclaimed greatest deal maker of all time, Chrump used his very good brain, and a little video that looked like a middle school project that barely warranted a D+.  The video was actually manufactured, on purpose, by the NSA.  Chrump used all his incomparable skills to make one of the most astounding deals of all time.  That was not a compliment.

 

Chrump was overheard talking to himself, wandering around the rose garden in his underwear last night, “I was so honored to meet with the very talented and funny Kim Jong Un.  I could tell right away with my touch and my feel.  He is a very smart and handsome man.  Not as handsome as me, as anyone will tell you, but still a good looking guy, if you ask me.  I think everyone should just stop with all the fake talk about who killed who.  As the old song goes, everybody killed somebody sometime.  I can’t even tell you how many people I’ve killed – just not on Fifth Avenue, right before an election.  Look, you can’t be the greatest real estate guy in New York – which I am – without breaking a few skulls here and there.  It’s not like it’s against the law or anything.  People explode every day. At least Kim – we’re on a first name basis already, how great is that – isn’t as dangerous as CNN or NBC.  Now those are some real bad hombres.  And totally fake and very, very promulgatered.  Believe me.  I’m not sure if CNN has nukes, but I wouldn’t be surprised.  They’re definitely trying to bomb the shit out of me.  Very bad people.  Not nice and funny like Kim. Jong. Un.  I’m looking forward to playing golf with him at my beautiful Mor-on Lago resort.  I will beat the crap out of him but it will be a lot of fun.  You know, rooms are very affordable there and the food is excellent.  Call John Kelly and he’ll set you up with a beautiful suite.  I made a great deal, everyone is saying it was the best deal, I think, in history.  Amazingly great deal.  Jong didn’t know what hit him.  I will own all his nukes very soon.  That I can tell you.  He said he will bring them with him when he comes to my White House.  He’s a very trustworthy guy.  He told me so himself.  And Putin agrees.  And everyone loves the amazing Chrump doctrine: “We're America Bitch.”*”

We will bring you more exclusive commentary as we gather or concoct it.  You can always count on Paying Attention to get the best stories and get them right into your face, using face, using the best words.

________________________________
* description of the Chrump doctrine from a senior White House official with direct access to the president and his thinking.  Actual quote: “The Trump Doctrine is ‘We’re America, Bitch.’ That’s the Trump Doctrine.”

I. Mangrey reaping the whirlwind.  Don’t make me come over there.

 

Singapore Fling

Prezident Carnage Meets Little Rocket Man
(Who is Actually Very Talented and Funny*)

June 12, 2018

Well, that happened.  The WMD of American presidents met with the nuclearly capable dictator of North Korea.  The most dangerous man in the world, fresh off his Fuck America’s Friends Forever G-7 drive-by, decided to turn his attention deficit toward Pyongyang’s third generation pariah Kim Jong Un.  To end their historic photo op, Chrump put his giant signature on a fake agreement that blindsided both South Korea and the United States military establishment, and once again doing Russia's bidding by unilaterally giving up joint military exercises with South Korea.  In exchange for absolutely nothing whatsoever.  Chrump just does whatever he (and Putin) wants. 

Historic fake agreement signed by historic nitwit and his new fake friend

It is not so hard to understand, though it may be next to impossible to stomach, that Chrump said of the unpredictable and murderous dictator of North Korea, “Look, he’s doing what he’s seen done, if you look at it.”  Yeah, it’s not like Kim is an adult capable of self-reflection, atonement, and self-improvement.  He watched his predecessors – his father and grandfather – oversee violent, regimes that cared nothing for their populations, preferring instead self-aggrandizement.  Chrump told us that some of the neo-nazis and assorted white supremacists marching in Charlottesville were “very fine people.”  Chrump is no doubt sympathetic to Kim being a product of his upbringing because Fred Chrump was known to have palled around with the KKK back in the day.  After all, it’s not like Chrump is a grown man capable of self-reflection, atonement, and self-improvement.

Chrump, now cannot say enough nice things about the man he not so long ago called a “maniac” and “Little-Rocket Man”, who was on a “suicide mission for himself.”  And Chrump was more than willing to help Kim on his suicide mission with “fire and fury like the world has never seen.” Now we are to believe, as usual, that Chrumpo the Clown was only joking, and never wanted to say those mean things about his new bestie, Kim.  How many times have we been asked to laugh along with that impish jokester Crump when he threatens lives, talks about assaulting women, and all the other hilarious escapades to which we have been subjected since he came down that escalator and landed smack dab on top of our democracy, like some pile-driving entertainer riling up the crowd at Wrestlemania.

Once a phony with fake hair, always a phony with fake hair

So lighten up folks, these are just two guys with serious daddy (and hair) issues.  They are only in the positions they are in because of their fathers (and maybe the Russians).  They cannot be held accountable for, as Chrump pathetically rationalized, “doing what they’ve seen done, if you look at it.”  Who can really blame them for all the malice and mayhem?  Who among us has not wanted to destroy a country or two?  Admit it; you are simply jealous that you do not have the wherewithal to crush peons beneath the heel of your finely polished boot. 

_____________________________________
* This is how Chrump described Kim after their fake summit in Singapore.

I. Mangrey reporting.  Just a regular guy doing what I’ve seen done, if you look at it.

Is That a Bell I Hear Tolling?

Things Are Not as Bad as They Appear…They’re Worse

June 11, 2018

The list of incidents of Chrump, et al propagating fascist fear mongering and scapegoating, and using Nazi phraseology just checked of another box.  As the saying goes, this is not a bug, it’s a feature.  Many people still remember when the man no one thought could ever be anything other than a reality TV hack, took an escalator to a podium and pronounced that Mexicans were criminals and rapists.  And, it has all been an excruciatingly slow descent on the down escalator from there.

Next, Chrump made anti-Semite, alt-right maven and real fake news purveyor Steve Bannon his chief of staff.  Bannon of course, went on to lose his job to the more refined racist Gen. John Kelly.  Soon after leaving the West Wing, Sloppy Steve, as his ex-boss/puppet called him, attended the party congress of France's far-right National Front, where he told the neo-fascist audience, “Let them call you racist. Let them call you xenophobes. Let them call you nativists.  Wear it as a badge of honor. Because every day, we get stronger and they get weaker.”  It is reported that Chrump and Bannon remain close.

Then Chrump started in with his “America First” mantra, a phrase previously linked to anti-Semitism, and used by pro-Nazi sympathizers in America during World War II.  Even Dr. Seuss (yes, that Dr. Seuss) weighed in:

“From this day forward,” Trump said at one point, “it’s going to be only America first. America first.”

Chrump has said, “I’m not isolationist, but I am ‘America First.’  So I like the expression. I’m ‘America First.’”  So, spitting in the faces of every single ally every day and twice during the G-7 summit is something other than isolationist?  It is entirely possible that this ignoramus really does not know anything.  Perhaps he sustained a serious “brain” injury when Canada burned down the White House in 1973. 
 

Trashing NATO, NAFTA, the Paris Climate Accord, TPP could be seen by some as isolationist.  Don’t get me wrong, with the exception of the Paris Accord, all of the other examples are seriously flawed, but unilaterally walking away might not be the best way to improve things.  Forget about Chrump listening to other world leaders.  He does not even listen to his advisors – with the exception of Sean Hannity, John Bolton and Vladimir Putin.  How much more isolated can this cretin get?  Now, Chrump has backed out of the joint statement he signed along with the other six members of the G-7. 

Chrump stood by his alt-right, white nationalist, neo-nazi supporters who chanted numerous Nazi slogans in Charlottesville, stunning sentient Americans when he claimed that some of those violent racists were “very fine people.”

Et Tu, Douchebag?

Which brings us to the latest poison dart from two of Chrump’s Fux News rejects now working in Chrump’s West Wing.  After the G-7, Justin Trudeau reiterated what he has been saying since the moment Chrump threatened Canada with ridiculous sanctions.  The Wall Street Journal has warned the Republican’t leaders to stop Chrump from his ludicrous economic foreign policy escapades, for fear of collapsing the American economy.  Instead, party leaders refuse to remove their heads from their asses, and continue to enable the Disaster-in-chief.  To add Nazi to injury, Fux’s Larry Kudlow and Peter Navarro both released the new talking point from Chrumpland, Justin Trudeau stabbed Donald Chrump in the back.

Nuclear security consultant Cheryl Rofer, reminded the New York Times and others that the idea of being stabbed in the back, “was a favorite of Hitler's. Germany was stabbed in the back by Europe in the Treaty of Versailles.”  Coincidence?

I (don’t) wonder who they could be.

 

Coincidence or not, Chrump knows that there is no way he will be attracting new supporters, so all he can do is make sure, now that he is distilling his base down to its lowest common deplorable, that he keeps these folks entertained, enraged and enabled. 

At some point, the cause becomes much less significant than the effect, and it becomes wiser to treat the fascist, accidental or otherwise, as the immanent and imminent threat that it is.

Actual tweet, slightly altered

I. Mangrey reporting. Never forget.

From South Canada to North Korea

A Funny Thing Happened on The Way to The Freakshow

June 10, 2018

As expected, Donald Chrump spent his time at the G-7 lying about trade deficits, dissing all of our allies and pimping for Vladimir Putin.  The only good news for the other six members of the summit was that Chrump showed up late and left 24 hours early.  He most likely showed up late both to spite Trudeau, whose opening remarks Chrump missed, and because the first order of business was a meeting on women's empowerment.  Chrump also likely left early, not just to leave enough time to manage his “hair” before his big date with Kim (He probably thinks it's Kardashian again.), but in order to avoid all that useless talk about climate, clean energy and oceans.

On his way to Singapore, Der Furor backed out of the G-7 joint statement and all but declared war on Canada. 

According to authoritarian regime expert Sarah Kendzior, “Europe is trying to protect itself from Russia…and from the United States.”   One Fux News host waxed breathless about the historic nature of the upcoming summit, “regardless of what happens in that meeting between the two dictators.”

Chrump did surprise everyone by holding an impromptu press conference, where he acted very presidential (except for the fact that seemed barely conscious, calling CNN fake news, and the fact that he is clearly delusional and constantly lying), and answered questions.  When asked if he had and objective for his immanent meeting with Kim Jong Un, he basically replied that he has a clear objective, but he does not know what it is, and will winging it, adding that he will know how it will end up in the first few seconds.  That is, assuming he is actually awake during that time.

Chrump just before he flew the coop for Singapore

America’s Criminal-in-chief is now in talks with North Korea without bothering to broach the subject of human rights.  Chrump already hosted the pariah nation’s top spy in the Oval Office and kissed his ass.  This is the same fake prezident who brought Russians into the Oval Office, allowing their press in, but not the American press.  During that visit, Chrump divulged secret intelligence that endangered Israeli strategy.  Who knows what he gave away to the North Korean.  You can be sure Chrump doesn’t.  Der Furor is laser focused on making North Korea great again.   Chrump deigned to speak in public about his upcoming hair-a-hair with Kim Jong Un, “I think I’m very well prepared. I don’t think I have to prepare very much. It’s about the attitude.”  Everyone knows that Chrump has the best attitude.

And he got a spiffy new outfit for the occasion.
Finally, something that fits properly.

 

When we last met, the world was holding its breath on the eve of the G-7 summit in Quebec.  It is well known that Chrump is no fan of democracies or the weak phonies he says leads them.  He has made it clear that he is more impressed with strong leaders like Saddam Hussein, Rodrigo Duterte, Vladimir Putin, Kim Jong Un and China’s newly minted president-for-life Xi Jinping.  Everyone knew the G-7 was only a warm-up for Chrump’s big night out with North Korea’s L’il Kim.  Who will give who the rose?  Who will get nuked?  Will they kiss and make up?  Will Kim try to get a date with Ivanka?  Will Dennis Rodman be Chrump’s wingman?  Will Chrump call the next morning to beg for another date?

 

I. Mangrey resounding.

Mayhem on The Canada Express

On The Eve of The War of 2018

June 8, 2018

As he was preparing for the upcoming G-7 meeting Chrump took a moment to insult intelligence, history and an important neighbor and ally asking Canada’s Justin Trudeau “Didn’t you guys burn down the White House?”  Many people are saying that this was a reference to the War of 1812 and Chrump being one of the most ignorant sons-of-bitches ever to have someone lace up a pair of shoes for him.  Is he really that stupid? Or was this just another lie.  I am willing to give him the benefit of the doubt on this one, and assume he is simply as knowledgeable as a knockwurst.

Chrump continues his unceasing efforts to offend every ally, as severely and often as possible, in order to impress Sean Hannity and Vladimir Putin.  In his latest (as of June 8, 2018 6:00am EST) mean, ignorant buffoonery, Chrump squeezed out some tweets to anger two of our oldest allies:

 

Apparently, Der Furor thinks he is going to a roast, and is warming up his funny bone.   Reports also indicate that Fat Man Little Boy thinks the whole G-7 thing is a waste of his precious time, when he should be focusing on his big date in Singapore next week – assuming he is still doing that one. 

Sources say that Chrump is not interested in being lectured to by a bunch of people who actually know what they are talking about.  “I know more about world money things than all the rest of these losers.  They are not going to keep taking advantage of America any more.  Not while I’m around.  I have the best people working for me, not that I listen to any of them, except Sean Hannity, who has great ratings by the way.  So, I will go to this fake meeting, but I’m not going to listen to anyone but my very smart man in the mirror.  Now watch this drive.”

Chrump tearing up the links…literally

 



The news from the White House is that Chrump's staffers expect the G-7 meeting in Quebec to go badly. Most are saying they expect it will be an unmitigated disaster. Chrump’s aides are frantically preparing for a week of, “He meant to do that.  We purposely did not divulge the president’s excellent plan exactly because of what is happening right now.  We knew that all of you in the fake press would be screaming an moaning just because you don’t understand how the president’s mind works.  So, he almost choked-out the president of Mexico.  It was a joke.  They guy refuses to pay for the fucking wall, so he made him shit a brick.  Get it?  Of course he rubbed himself against Angela Merkel.  This is absolutely brilliant foreign policy and you will soon see how this will tip the scales in America’s favor.”

In order to get out ahead of (hopefully not literally) punching every other attendee in the nose, Chrump State Department official, and former Fux News model Heather Nauert threw some serious political-science-fiction, citing the D-Day invasion as an example of our "very strong" relationship with Germany.  Yeah, those were the good old D-Days.

Off The Rails

I cannot tell you why, but the upcoming G-7 makes me think of Agatha Christie’s Murder on the Orient Express.  I think I have some idea why, but I cannot tell you.  If you think about it, you too might be struck by some reason to conflate the two scenarios.  Aboard the train, in Christie’s classic mystery, a malevolent, elderly American attempts to hire Christie’s renowned inspector, Hercule Poirot because he believes his life is threatened, but Poirot refuses out of distaste for the man.  For the sake of argument and my personal well-being, it is my sworn statement that I cannot remember how the story ends.  All I can remember is the nasty old man on a train full of people and I have a vague recollection that something bad happened to someone on the train.  You will have to ask Agatha Christie.  Or Siri.  Or Wikipedia.

Chrump is planning to leave the meeting early in order to have enough time to do his “hair” for his next big event – the June 12 Singapore Smackdown with Kim Jong Un.  Two lunatics go in – only one will come out unscathed.  My money is on the short fat one, not the big fat one.

I. Mangrey retraining.  All a-bored.

Pruitt Pathetically Parlays Position Per Diem

A Stain on His Sullied Reputation?

June 7, 2018

Amid the swarm of allegations, innumerable clear ethics violations and sundry wrongdoings, not to mention his all-around hatred of the environment his Agency was created to – what’s that word – oh yeah: Protect, we now find that EPA head (sans brain) Scott Pruitt sent a government employee to run personal errands. This is not what one would call legal.  Millan Hupp, one of his top aides, who Pruitt describes as a longtime friend, dating back to his days in Oklahoma, told lawmakers that she had one of her boss’s personal credit cards and happily managed personal requests from Pruitt because of their personal friendship.  Hupp told the House Oversight Committee, “Well, we worked very closely together and spent a lot of time together. I traveled with him, so naturally a friendship developed.”  Naturally. Pruitt is a super friendly guy.  Unless he is forced to mingle with the hoi polloi back in coach.

The environment is out to get us all. Death to the Earth!!

Ms. Hupp subsequently volunteered, “Scott…I mean, Secretary Pruitt asked me to purchase a certain blue dress… I mean a used mattress from Chrump International Hotel.  I’m sure this had nothing to do with that time, or was it two, when we had to share a room at the hotel.  Everyone knows how thrifty Mr. Pruitt is.  He would never waste money, especially the taxpayers’ money.  He is such a wonderful man.  It was all totally innocent.  There’s no way there were any inconvenient stains on that mattress, since we’ve never slept together.  After all, Scott…I mean Mr. Pruitt is a happily married man and has never said he would leave his wife to be with me.  That would be wrong, wouldn’t it?  Sure, we work really late sometimes.  It’s so easy to lose track of the time when you love your boss…I mean your job so much.  I’m sure there are hundreds of good reasons why someone who illegally spends thousands and thousands of government dollars on personal trips, soundproof phone booths, and a dozen custom-made fountain pens costing $1,560, would want to buy a used mattress from a hotel.  Everyone loves used mattresses, used toilet paper and used condoms. Right?”

Hupp has now resigned.  Apparently, she is the second Hupp sister to leave Pruitt’s titanic agency.  But not Pruitt.  WTFF.  When Atlantic reporter Elaina Plott reached EPA spokesperson Jahan Wilcox, by phone to confirm the second Hupp’s departure, Wilcox would not comment, preferring to respond, “You have a great day, you’re a piece of trash.”

As though it was possible to add one to infinity, another quintessential Pruitt whoopsie hit the presses.  Pruitt – a one-man swamp – was caught red-handed trying to abuse his office, contacting the Chick-fil-A CEO to obtain for his wife (at least it wasn’t his used mattress buddy) a franchise.  We have the emails.  Chick-fil-A has confirmed the attempted shakedown.

I. Mangrey raking muck.  I gotta get a bigger rake.